Ink-Stained Mondays : More than a Pretty Face March 15, 2010

As someone who has made a living watching people date (and mate) for the past 20 years, I have had a front row seat for the evolution of dating.  A particularly fascinating turn of events is the this notion that just being fine is enough for men.

*record skip*

Once upon a time, when a man took a woman who was viewed as an Extremely Attractive woman out on a date, there was a chance you would get a statue.  A vision of lovliness who is a joy to behold, but not particularly interested in engaging a date, but loathe to turn down the free food.

But hey, They Fine.  So, Dudes, being the visual creatures we are purported to be, Let that slide. We Endure boredom for the sake of the arm candy of it all.

Is this to say that all Pretty women are boring?  Don’t be SILLY.  But many are.

And the more classically Beautiful they are…the more*shrug* worthy they can be.

And for y’all dudes that love them Hot and Boring, God Bless You. More cool women for me.

But this isn’t what today’s post is about.

TODAY’S Post is about how Women have, in the course of embodying a more male style of dating, seemed to start making the same mistakes men make.

Got these dudes walking around thinking their sole responsibility is to be fine.

And MAYBE pay the bill.

Let me know how that works out for y’all.

Because THAT isn’t even working out for dudes, these days.

Ink Stained Mondays 7: Beware the Ides of February February 15, 2010

(although I’ve found out that the Ides of February is actually the 13th, I am going to have to cling to my previous ignorance and press forward)

So…Today is the Fifteenth of February. At some point the vast majority of you will find yourselves pondering.

And you may be asking yourself: Self? Is it worth it?

Was it worth the money?

Worth the time?

Worth the hassle?

Worth the inconvenience?

Did you get what you were looking for?

If you are not able to answer at least one or two of those in the affirmative you need to re-evaluate some stuff.  Take a few Valentine’s Days off maybe.

Check on your Hustle and see if your reaping and your sowing is matching up.

Because honestly?

If you are in a relationship and your Valentine Day isn’t working out like you would like it to, then you are probably making mistakes the OTHER days of the year.

If you aren’t in a relationship and you are out doing the most on VD then you may wanna ponder a new hobby.  Celebrating Valentine’s Day is usually best left to people who are positive they want to spend time together.

Absolutely Positive.

Let’s do better folks.  When you set yourselves up for bad dates on Valentine’s Day, it only magnifies degree of the fail.

Stop doing that to yourselves.

Please and Thank you.

Ink-Stained Mondays #7 – The Way Forward January 11, 2010

In a world where so much is said and so comparatively little is done, why in the world would I start an Internet Talk Show?

On top of that, why would my FIRST show be about Black men and Black women and their issues?  Didn’t EVERYONE do that Last Week?

Because if its raining M&Ms, and I have a bag full of skittles, that’s why.

If I honestly thought I had nothing new to offer the conversation, my partner and I would have chosen something else.

Like The rising price of Aluminum Siding, for instance.

Sooooooo, that little tidbit put to the side, we press forward, in an effort to add some skittles to a mountain of M&Ms.

Tonight’s episode will start from a standpoint of the issues surrounding whether or not Black Women are a problem or have a problem finding  happiness.

As I’ve delved way too deeply into this situation, I find myself thinking that this isn’t REALLY what the problem is.

Oh, WE’VE got problems, Those just aren’t them.

What are the problems?

You tell me, single Black woman.  What ARE your problems?

I am reading, and I will address each and every one of them tonight.

Shut Up and Pass the Yams November 24, 2009

I am a huge fan of Thanksgiving. 

Yeah, I know, Not exactly how it is supposed to be for hyper Political Negroes like me.

While I am quick to jump on the mythology and lies that are perpetrated in the name of American Exceptionalism, I have always had a soft spot for Thanksgiving.

I mean, sure, if Joe Pilgrim went and raped and pillaged the Native Americans as soon as the Itis set in and then covered it up with some sob story about scalping and Indian Rain-dances then I might be inclined to pass.

The reality is, people are ungrateful bastards who really should look into giving thanks whenever the opportunity presents itself, the politics of the day notwithstanding.

I will take this opportunity to be thankful for all the clicheish thigns in life that people should be thankful for.

I would be more thankful but I am not feeling very thankful right this second. I am sure I will be much more thankful when I get off work on Thanksgiving.

In the meantime, I would like to give thanks for being born Black and raised under the wonders of Afro-Centric Thanksgiving.

Except for Chitlins and relatives who show up late with integral parts of the meal. That is some bullshit and y’all need to stop.

I am positive I would be more indifferent to Thanksgiving if I came from a family that did Pumpkin Pie and not Sweet Potato Pie.

All y’all dudes crowing about white women remember thanksgiving in your calculations…I know my brother in law wishes he had. I wish I would walk into a house that didn’t have the smell of Sweet Potato Pie and the sound of Bad Detroit Lions Football.

Sorry, No Stalgia Allowed. November 12, 2009

Nostalgia is a seductive liar.  ~George Wildman Ball

 

In Tuesday’s post, I invoked the term Dinosaur.  I realize I didn’t do proper diligence to defining that term and Intended to devote today to outlining the length and breadth of the term.

Dinosaurs Are Creatures of the past.  Creatures born to rule in a certain period of time.  A periend where men were men, women were women, and sheep were nervous.  The rules were clear,

Men: Win Bread. Retrieve Bacon

Women: Make Home. Receive Bacon, and Fry it in a pan.

 

Men: Keeper of Castle

Women: Kept in Castle

 

Men: Slayer of Dragons

Women: Baker of cookies

 

As the story goes, these were the good old days.  Men NEVER left the house.  EVERYONE had Ward Cleaver Huxtable  And Donna June  Huxtable at home and if your kids came out screwed up, it had to have been because you didn’t love them enough and let them run the streets like the folks in the projects did.

 

And Papa was a Rolling Stone was a song about How Daddy used to Carry Mick Jagger’s bags before he came home to raise a family.

 

I refuse to believe that Papa was a Rolling Stone became a huge hit as some kind of a Fantastic inverse fairy tale.  The song resonated for many folks.

Yes….many of you will run over timid woodland creatures to comment about how fabulous YOUR family was.

and how long your Mom and Dad were married.

and how Your Dad Walked on water and your Mom washed his feet with her hair, and liked it.

And to that I say.  You, Sir/Ma’am, are Fortunate and blessed beyond measure.

The reality is the Black family in America is an Immaculate conception.

 

That we have ANY family heritage, ANY tradition of ANY kind, other than that akin to a team of horses, is a miracle on a par with the virgin birth.

The Black family was BORN broken and purposely left out to die byt the AnteBellum Society that sought to build an economy on its back.  It has limped along and fought for its survival, in the face of unspeakable odds.

In order to heal the enduring birth defects that the Black family still suffers, first we must avoid the tendency to act like the problem is somehow recent.  There has been a worsening of the circumstances that fit perfectly into the narrative that goes back to Jamestown (first one of you to usher the name of Willie Lynch into this narrative gets a one way ticket to time out)

This whole part of the game where we Yearn for Yesterday is wack – ESPECIALLY for a people whose freedom is tenuous and embryonic on a good day.

Any fond moments of yesteryear come from sporadic triumphs of the will and the grace of God (how much of which depends on how hard you go in on Saturday/Sunday)

Dinosaurs existed to guide through a period in our history…a period which appears to have long since passed.

 

Let them roam the earth in peace in their twilight years…Please do not act like The Dinosaurs have a future.  They do not.

No Babies, Ever, Ever, Ever… November 1, 2009

ADMIN NOTE:  You’ll notice lots of new faces popping up here at SSSO… Today welcome DCDatingDiva!

Babies are the Devil?

 

I don’t think I want children. Ever. However this past weekend, I found myself looking at all of the infants being pushed around in strollers, being carried kangaroo style by loving mommies and daddies, and I seen the absolutely cutest pint-sixed Halloween costumes. Then I thought to myself:

“Aweeee, how cute, could I do that?”….

I know after the newness wears off, I’d be faced with piles of dirty diapers, feedings, 3am screaming at the top of the lung wake-up calls, and no ME time and let me be honest, I LOVE my me time.

When I meet guys, especially new guys, they are floored at the fact that I’m pushing 30, and do not have not one midget diva running around. Then I politely say or rather yell. “Hell no, not me….uhhhh un, nope, nadda”.  Some guys find it funny, others make promises that “I will carry their seedlings” (and I make mental note to self, do not return his call), an ex said it was a deal breaker and someone that I’ve been dating on & off for the last, insert number of years here, has made a few statements in passing about me being a good mother. Which, over time, I’m sure I could be a good one, but I think I make a better “Auntie”, cause I can sugar them up and send them home.  I have yet to discover a rent-a-baby.

I know there are some people who really, really want kids, and give me the side-eye, once the topic comes up and I rebuke it. I’m not a monster. In fact, it’s best that I don’t have any children and I wish the “bad” parents would have analyzed it the way I did before they got knocked up or done the knocking up.

Other Reasons Why Tots Are Not For Me:

• I love sleeping in
• I love vacationing, preferably at places that have age restrictions. I don’t want to be around your children while I’m on vacation
• I love shopping and not having to worry about if the little rug-rat has to potty, breastfeed, be escorted to the potty…you get the point
• I like having the option of just going. If I want to pack my bags & move, or take a last-minute trip somewhere I can do that
• I can’t see myself having kids with any guys I currently know or have known in the past
• Money. Enough said
• I think pregnant women are adorable, however, giving up all things I love for 9 months is not sexy

So what do you say family? Do you see children in your future, why or why not?

Don’t Put A Ring On It-Guest Post August 31, 2009

Today we’ll be enjoying a guest post from the love DCDatingDiva…Enjoy!

So recently, I was out and about in D.C., enjoying the nightlife and my yummy concoction of vodka mixed with Nuvo (hey it was on special for $5.00, sue me), so anyways, this guy starts up a conversation with me. After awhile, <strike>I’m bored with him</strike> ready to stop talking and just chill. He is not taking the hint, as I say I’m waiting on my “friends”. He scoots his stool a little bit closer. I lean away a little bit, but the music is now blaring and Mr. Not Getting The Point is still trying to converse. Normally, I would make up some lame excuse and walk away, but two things kept my butt planted right there on that barstool 1) I did not feel like standing and 2) my friends were sitting outside, trying to “see and be seen” and that is not my MO.

My friend sends me a text to see where I’m at. I respond quickly and tell her to come to the bar. Mr. Not Getting The Point is still talking to me. I think he see’s I’ve kinda shut down, and is now saying maybe “we” should go dance or check out another bar. I tell him, I’m hanging with my friends tonight, and am waiting on them, but the clueless dude tool is still chatting it up. My wing-girl finally comes up and I introduce them. She sits on the opposite side of me and I turn and start talking to her.

(Side Note: Mr. Not Getting The Point is still trying to yell pointless banter over the music)

So I tell my chick friend that she can’t go back outside, at least for a min, that Mr. Not Getting The Point is annoying me.

Chick Friend: that’s why I wear a fake wedding ring, you should wear one?

Me: Why, would I do that? Then people I actually want to talk to will see I have a wedding ring on, that’s stupid?

So our conversation brings me to my point. Why are you wearing a “fake wedding ring”? Do you still do it, have you done it in the past? Could you have potentially scared off the “man/woman” of your dreams, cause you had a “fake ring on it”. Hell, you might as well go all out and have a “fake wedding too!”

Diva

(Not a Proponent of the “fake” Ring On It)

I’m Smitten But Are You? August 21, 2009

Last night I found myself in a very disheartening conversation with a really good friend. Our topic was how do you know if a guy is feeling you or not. I found this to be strange because she is 28 and has had her fair share of adventures in dating. Based on her history alone one would assume that she knew the signs of when a guy was into a woman or not (Not calling her Samantha but she knows the art of multi-tasking). She felt like the guy she had been seeing could possibly be digging her but she was unsure and when I asked her what made her think he did and some of the things she analyzed were just soooooo left field or in my opinion it was left field. What constituted signs of like to her were the call after club hours for “breakfast” or the occasional conversations where he told her he really could see her being in his life for a while… not eternity but a while (she also left out the few times she called me pissed because he stood her up or canceled their plans last minute).  So I broke it down to her last night and even consulted some guy friends to see if what I was suggesting was on point. I told her if a guy is into you these are the following things he will do:

1. He will make time for you- I’ve always felt like everyone is busy but if a person is really interested in someone they will carve out time to spend with them.
2. He will call- Meaning exactly what it says. Texts are cool but you should have just as much if not more time on the phone. Texts are more appropriate for saying sweet nothings like- I miss you, Can’t wait to see you later, Have a great day, etc. Phone calls are more personable and require focus. I feel if a man is into you and he takes time out to call then he is putting aside the video games, the computer, and the home improvement work to converse with you (essentially he’s giving time).
3. He will take you out- A man that claims to be into you will not keep you locked away or in the house. He will be proud to have you on his arm and will make sure that he takes you out. Doesn’t have to be to a swanky 5-star restaurant but it will be outside of the house.
4. He doesn’t mind being around your friends- Not saying just because he’s feeling you he should be asking when can he meet your BFF, but he should not have a problem meeting them and being in a group setting with them. Most friends are a source of influence and are the people who will approve your beau wayyyyy before you take him home to mom and dad.
5. Last but not least, he will go out his way to make you feel special- I think this one is just plain and simple. He will do what he knows will make your heart melt.

So did I hit some good points? Did I miss any? If you are dating or married to someone how did you know they were feeling you?

P.S. In the end I suggested she go buy the book, He’s Just Not That Into You, as well as rent the move.

Do You Have Scare Tactics? June 19, 2009

So I got my weekly eHarmony newsletter subscription and my fav article this week was Five Ways to Scare a Guy Away. The title initially caught my eye because as being back on the market I wanted to know had I been possessing some psycho tendencies that have shooing away male suitors. To my relief I haven’t, but I definitely know some women (especially a couple of friends or friends of friends) who are guilty of doing some of the things the eHarmony writer has put out there. According to the article here are the five scare tactics that women do:

1) Those Three Little Words

While it’s clear that men like to hear that you love them, timing is everything. So while you may be excited to have finally found someone you’re compatible with, try to rein in the desire to blurt out that you’ve totally fallen for him for at least a couple of months. Say it during the first few dates, and his mind will process those three precious words into one scary one: psycho. He needs to time to process what he’s feeling about you, and you both need time for infatuation to settle into something more real.

2) Cracking Knuckles and other Manly Moves

The days of women casting coy smiles from behind paper fans may be long gone, but a guy still appreciates a little femininity in his potential love match.

So while those tricks where you crack open a beer bottle with your teeth and say the names of everyone in the room with a belch are no doubt impressive, you should think about promoting your gentler qualities in a relationship’s early stages. He’s not looking for a return to Victorian values, but he’d probably like to think he could beat you in a Jäger shoot-out or an arm-wrestling match. Even if he can’t.

3) Going Bridal

Okay, we know that one day you might want to get married – we’re not stupid – but there’s an order to these things, and subscribing to the bride and wedding magazines and studying your diamond cuts before you’ve even met a guy is classic carat-before-horse territory. So when he turns up at your place and sees a bookshelf full of dog-eared bridal magazines and your computer’s home page set to Enchanted Weddings, he’s likely to suddenly get very busy at work. Wanting to get married to a man you love is one thing, trying to fit a mysterious anybody into your wedding-day fantasy is another.

4) Hey Kids, Meet your New Daddy

Realistically, in our fractured world men know that the chances of meeting and falling for a single mom are significant. For many it’s an instant no-no, and if that’s your situation, best to know up front. However, for those men not put off by the first mention of Junior, they’ll still be walking into the situation one tentative step at a time, and telling him too early what a great daddy he’s going to make to your kids will make him break out in a cold sweat. So while ultimately you’re a package deal – and it’s important that he knows that – let him get to know you first.

Once you feel that your relationship has had a chance to establish itself, then gently introduce the little one(s). And remember: initially he’s not going to be as in love with them as you are, so give him a chance to establish a relationship with them too.

5) My Ex was a Psycho/My Ex was the Greatest

We get it – you have an ex-boyfriend. Hey, maybe you’ve got five. Or 10 or 20. We know, but there are telltale signs when this could be a problem for us. First is when you go all glassy-eyed at the mention of his name – worse if the subject came up after we noticed it tattooed on your wrist. He may have been a master surgeon with rock-solid abs and a second home in Hawaii, but we’d rather not know too much about it if it’s all the same with you, as we know we’ll never compare.

Similarly, we understand that he may have tormented you emotionally/slept with your sister/kidnapped your dog, but that just makes us wonder one thing: why’d you go out with him so long? It doesn’t speak highly of your selection process, and ergo why you’ve chosen us. We’ve all got a past – let’s just keep it there.

So my questions for the Ladies are any you guilty of committing any of the tactics above? Have you committed any others that aren’t listed that scared a guy away? And Guys what are some things that have been a turn off for you dealing with a female?

Where is Mr. Right?-Words of Encouragement November 19, 2008

I received this in an e-mail from my cousin in 2006, I hope you all enjoy!

I often warn women who are contemplating marriage to marry someone who
can take care of them. When a woman marries, it ought to be to someone
who is capable of taking her to the next level. If she comes from
poverty, there is no reason for her to get married and still be
impoverished. The role of the man is to take her to another place. When
she gets married, she ought to dress better, drive better, live better,
and eat better, not constantly be in a struggle over where her next meal
is coming from. My grandmother used to say, “I can do bad all by
myself”

For a woman desiring a mate, the objective, of course, would be to find
a Christian man, who’s settled, has goals, accomplishments and a job.
But a goal-oriented and focused man can’t just be approached any kind of
way. So the woman who seeks this type of stability must make sure that
he stands out above the crowd:

1. Make sure your relationship with the Lord is strong and growing.
2. Make sure that you are presentable. Working from the inside out, your
presentation should be representative of both who you are and
whom you seek. Appearance is a reflection of how you see yourself.
3. Have the ability to hold an intelligent conversation.
4. And most importantly, allow the Holy Spirit to take control. You
don’t need to go after him. He’s going to come after you, because after
he sees and smells you and knows that you’re in his presence, he’s going
to want to know who you are!

I know there’s somebody reading this who has been chasing after the “man
of your dreams,” but God says, “Just sit still and allow patience to
have her perfect work through Me.”

Furthermore, it’s never a good idea to be too forward and too
aggressive. Attempting to win a man’s affection by jumping into bed
with him will only backfire and cause him to lose interest in ever
developing a lasting relationship. It causes him to lose respect for
you and question your character. However, if he sees that you are
dressed with quality, that you smell like you are somebody, that you
look like you’re doing fine without him, then that will attract the
right attention from him. He’ll have no choice but to give you his
attention. Stop looking so needy, climbing into bed, trying in vain to
capture a man’s heart.

God woke me up in the middle of the night and said, “The same thing that
Naomi told Ruth to do is the same thing that I want them to do for me.”
God is so sick of saints coming to Him trying to get a quickie and never
romancing Him for Who he is – going to church screaming, shouting and
hollering, but hadn’t been intimate with God all week long! Stop trying
to treat God like a sugar daddy and start romancing Him with worship and
praise:

“I’m yours Lord…everything I’ve got…everything I’m not!”

The God we serve, which is the God of love, demands and requires of us
foreplay before He gives us what we need. In the book of Ruth, the
mother-in-law tells Ruth, “You have to wash.” John 15:3 reminds us, Now
ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you. When you sit
in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, you are taking a shower. When you hear
the unadulterated Word of God, then the dirt and grime that you’ve
accumulated all week long begins to wash off of you. Ask God to “create
in you a clean heart and renew a right spirit.” Stand in the word.
Then wait upon the Lord to renew your strength.-Jamal Bryant

And you what say you all? Men, do you think this is the right way to go about it? Women, have you tried this? Is there anything here you think would work?