Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Single Sisters On: Planned Illegitimates October 13, 2008

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — Sunny @ 1:00 am

I got this idea on my way to bed last night  (blame it on the martinis)….  This is my first blog.  I hope I made it good for you! 

Call me old school, but I want to be married before I have children.  I dated this guy, we ended February 2008… There was a couple of things we couldn’t see eye to eye on, precisely  (1) his need to involve me in a threesome (I even authorized him to go find somebody else to do it with to get it out of his system!) and (2) his need for me to make a baby (no marriage).   Let’s focus on #2.  

This man wanted to purposefully create a child BEFORE we got married.  I’ve always planned to be married at 28 (NOT gonna reach it!), enjoy life with my husband and have children around 30.  When I asked him about us getting married first, his response, “Just in case something ever happened to me, wouldn’t you want a way to remember me?”  WTF?   This makes no sense.  If I need a memory, I’ll look at a picture. 

I refuse to plan to be a baby mama.  Let’s face it: It’s so easy for men to walk away from a child.  Most of the time, the woman is left to raise it alone, while the man can opt to send only monetary support or none at all.  I want my child to be raised in a stable, loving family, with both parents present. 

Don’t get me wrong, I know a lot of single women doing damn good jobs raising their kids, but why should they have to?  They all say that if they could go back, things would be done differently.  

I have a friend who was so in love with this guy, they dated a very short time.   She called me two weeks ago and told me she was in love, and they were going to start making a baby.  I asked her to wait on marriage and she insisted that she knew that he loved her and they would marry someday.  A week ago, she called me and told me it was over and she couldn’t take it anymore; he is controlling and verbally abusive….. AND now she might be pregnant.   Although he is insisting on an abortion, this is not in her heart, since the child was created in love (no matter how it ended). This is one helluva situation to bring an innocent child into. 

Why is it so easy for men to forgo marriage for the whole “baby mama/ baby daddy” titles?  What makes us as women throw caution to the wind and roll with this? 

What say you?

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12 Responses to “Single Sisters On: Planned Illegitimates”

  1. Junior Says:

    I disagree with that. I think you might’ve had a special case where he was fruit loops enough to want to make a child, but I don’t know A man who wants to have a baby with a woman he can’t see himself being with in the long run.

    Now….we do get caught up trying practice making babies…I guess that’s one good side effect to being celibate. *sigh*

  2. 80's Baby Says:

    My last bf was the same way…. He would be sporadic about it like let’s have a kid. Even his family was asking him when was he gonna have some kids…I was like hell no because I ain’t bein’ nobody’s baby mama I’m tryin to be a wife… ….But a lot of guys whose friends have had kids are more prone to think it’s okay to just have a baby… Sorry but not me….

  3. Shelia Says:

    I’m from the old school too and would like to be married first and then a child. Unfortunately things happen and it doesn’t always work out that way; however I don’t know any single parents who set out to be single.

    I ran from the last guy who said he wanted me to be his baby mama because I knew if we were to be intimate several things could possibly happen–a hole in the condom, the condom accidently slipped off or while I’m caught in wave of desire, he pulls the okey doke and removes the condom all together—lol

  4. Nicki Sunshine Says:

    Thank you all for commenting! Made me feel good for my first post. 🙂

  5. Mikki Says:

    Whew I finally made it here!

    ok on said subject, I came from a single parent home and it was not always rosie. My mom struggled a lot and i certainly don’t want to have the burden of raising a child on my own. I think we need to get back to the old school where men stepped up and took responsibility and married the woman he chose to make a baby with.

  6. nickisunshine Says:

    I think so too Mik… I think we have been letting these men out of their responsibilties too, by not being careful and falling for the okey-doke.

  7. Teacia Says:

    Oh shit nah, I see ya chic!!! Teacia is in the muthafuggin building!

    Ok, yeah it’s dumb to PLAN a kid outside of marriage…unless marriage isn’t your thing and you’re at a point in life where you just want a kid and most importantly can provide independently for that child if something was to happen, but other than that I say it’s a no go. But I too know plenty of chics who think that a kid will solve relationship problems…I call that desperation.

    It’s never that serious, there should be no cart before the horse. But unfortunately life happens, but the key is to learn from those mistakes, and not to repeat them.

    Congrats on your first post girl!!

  8. nickisunshine Says:

    “But I too know plenty of chics who think that a kid will solve relationship problems…I call that desperation.”

    And Amen to that… when all a child does is bring more heartache to the sitch, especially if he don’t want you AND the child looks just like him.

    Thanks T. I miss ya!!!!!

  9. Teacia Says:

    I miss you guys too…maybe one day massa will let me out of the dungeon..lol, but I’m no longer sweating it.

  10. nickisunshine Says:

    “I miss you guys too…” I hope so too girl…

    “lol, but I’m no longer sweating it.” And thank GOD for this. I’m glad to see that you are getting better. You seemed pretty upset Friday… I read your new blog about your new love. I was one to always believe in clearing all that “stuff” an ex left behind before moving on.

  11. 80's Baby Says:

    @ Teacia…. you have a blog now????

  12. Cuzzo Says:

    I too know a guy like this…wants a baby before he gets married. He really just wants a child and could care less about the relationship between mother and father. Not that he would have a child with someone he didn’t love – but he would be more devoted to the child than the mother.

    Aren’t they letting single ppl adopt nowadays anyway? Tell them BE A MENTOR or a foster parent. A child is not a hobby. I wouldn’t wish single-parenting on my worst enemy.


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