Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Single Sisters On: Neediness (The Fact is I Need You) October 20, 2008

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — FlawedBeauty @ 5:27 am

Just listen to this song…it’s mellow and kinda soft from Ms. Jill Scott and has a wonderful message in it. 🙂

It’s age old and time tested. The relationship between man and woman is symbiotic. We each bring something to the table that the other needs and we know it. Through the course of time the woman has held the family down. She’s that safe harbor in the time of the storm. Women, especially black women, rise to the challenge and a man who has a good one, one that he loves and respects is quick to tell you that he’s not letting her go. That’s nice and all, but what about the women who have to be both mother and father? The ones who have to work two jobs just to hold it down at home. I want men to understand something, just because she looks like she has everything working just fine, the fact is she needs you.

I am not going to lie…I need a man, and it’s not because of what you’re thinking. I need his support, his love, his caring and kind way. I don’t need a man to rescue me or make me whole, but I do need to compliment me, to be the yin to my yang.

Since it’s an election year, let’s put it like this….Michelle does not need Barack to help her pay bills, she doesn’t need him to defend her or to give her anything. She’s made it on her own. What she needs him to do is have her back and raise their two girls to be the same strong woman that she is.

My biggest reason for writing this is to discuss the cohesion of the black family. Aside from this song by Jill Scott, I remember reading at VSB how the Champ was absolutely sure that his parents relationship with each other was much more important than their relationship with him. This leaves me to ponder, how can we raise children who understand the family dynamic if all they see is Mom struggling and Daddy always walking out? How do you help them to understand the family dynamic if they have 30 uncles by the time they’re 5 and they’ve never met Dad…and this is because the kids need you too.

I say this because yeah I need you, but I need you to always be there, not there when you’re getting your way or there when everything is roses, but I need you to be there when it’s hard to figure out how we’re going to make it. I need you to help me build. I need you to help me keep it steady.

What say you about the state of the black family? Can we fix it? What do you think the problem is?


20 Responses to “Single Sisters On: Neediness (The Fact is I Need You)”

  1. nickisunshine Says:

    Fantastic post Jac… beautiful song.

    I can’t say that I need a man… right now I’m discouraged so I don’t want to set myself up…. BUT I want a man…. a strong man that loves me that I’d eventually marry, who wants to be there for our “family.” I want to be submissive and the wife and mother… but right now I’ve got to rely on myself b/c that is all I have (and my family and girlfriends)

    I think the black family is in shambles b/c there are so many single mothers. It can be fixed by prevention. We need to stop having children with men who are not our husbands and make a conscious decision before having sex. I’m not saying everyone needs to get on the celibacy train, but you have to think… Could I deal with this person in my life for the next 18+ years????? Is he going to be there?

    You don’t have to outright ask him the questions, but look at how he handles everything else in his life.

  2. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “This leaves me to ponder, how can we raise children who understand the family dynamic if all they see is Mom struggling and Daddy always walking out? How do you help them to understand the family dynamic if they have 30 uncles by the time they’re 5 and they’ve never met Dad…and this is because the kids need you too.”

    these are good questions. I think it ultimately starts with us. I am apart of a generation where women got brand new riding the coat tails of sexual revolution that had nothing to do with black women. My momma did it on her own partly because her had was hard as he#ll, partly because she had something to prove to my father, and partly because they weren’t well matched.

    the last part of this is important to me. being with people who are well suited for you. And critically thinking about what having kids would make that unit look like. Even when all the fairy dust settles.

    I also think you get there by atoning and forgiveness (as grown children) some of us had parents who mad bad relationship choices. You gotta accept that..and resolve to make better decisions.

  3. jac427 Says:

    Nicki: You are right. I need a man to be my leader and I don’t understand how I’m supposed to do that if he doesn’t know how to lead or he’s leading me down the wrong path. What I look like having kids for this man? It it more or less about observing how he handles life situations.

    Comeback: The sexual revolution didn’t have anything to do with us whatsoever and beyond that in that era we had so many black women having kids with whoever and then they were unable to finish their educations, etc. And their children saw this and continued the cycle. I think this is unfortunate because with all the thing out there to educate it’s still happening.

    I absolutely have always resolved to make better choices than my parents did. I refuse to land in a boat like the one they put themselves into.

    But I also think it’s about personal accountability. At some point in time you have to stop and say okay….this was my mistake and what can I do to fix it. You even have to say to your mate or former mate, you know what, this isn’t right and we need to fix it.

  4. Steve Kells Says:

    Every woman needs a man and vice versa. Sometimes our egos, and pride won’t allow us to believe so. That’s why it’s imperative when you come across someone that’s worth being with, to fight to stay together. Too many females these days are reluctant to go the extra mile to stay in their relationship. No one works out problems anymore. It’s almost like more than half the African American population is content with “dating” well into their 30s.

    ….That shit’s scary.

  5. Anitra Says:

    good post jac,

    I sing the same song n dance about how i was raised by a single mom. I learned to be independant work 1,2, 3 jobs at a time to get the things I needed.

    My mother didn’t have uncles coming in and out and I loved that about her. Tho I didn’t have a father figure, i sure know I dont want to have to struggle like my mom did.

    I don’t know what its going to take to help us get it together but I think it starts with women demanding more from the men in there lives, me included, that might hurt a couple egos and it might get us called crazy but these days you have to stand tall or else they will continue to wall all over us and do as they please.

  6. jac427 Says:

    Steve: Hello sir. You’re right. I don’t think we fight to stay together as much as we should. We’re quick to be like I’m not staying down for you, but Leonard/Marcia from round the way has it popping so I’ma be with him/her. Then you leave your kids lying in the wake of all this and they grow up and continue living this way.

    Mik:I never had any uncles either except for the ones I was born with. And you’re right we do have to demand more. I know I’ve been demanding more from the ones in my life and if they can’t meet up for it then I don’t deal anymore.

  7. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “My mother didn’t have uncles coming in and out and I loved that about her”

    me neither. besides my father i saw one other man. That was it. And by the time i saw him, she was close to marrying him. I think you gotta be careful too even as you;re tryna live your life, to still offer your children the best examples you can.

  8. jac427 Says:

    Comeback and Mikki: My parents have been divorced for 10 years and I’ve never seen anyone else on both of their parts. I think once I came home and my Mom went to take somebody a hamburger. I had a damned fit. I almost killed somebody. Not cool…I come home and you’re off taking somebody a damned meal…Bring yo arse back.

    You can bet that she’s never done that crap again!

  9. Cuzzo Says:


    good…no GREAT post jac. *deep sigh*

    I am currently in this mix. I feel like no matter how tough things get between my sons’ father and I, he shouldn’t just walk away. He always says when we argue it sucks the life outta him and he doesn’t want to deal with it. n!gga please. I have no sympathy for you. you think I like arguing? I HAVE to raise our child regardless if I’m having a good or bad day. I CAN take care of our child by myself – but do I want to…No. I NEED you. WE need you.

    “We need to stop having children with men who are not our husbands and make a conscious decision before having sex.”

    though this would be an awesome universal ideal – something in the black community does not click even with this in place. Why? I dunno exactly. But, wasn’t there a time when if a man knocked a women up they married her? Either way – someone has to take care of this child and it shouldn’t matter if you’ve done the math on each other – the child is coming and neither parent should be able to just run away. Yes, a child should see two people getting along and being happy and seeing a true family. But, everything isn’t roses. If you can’t be a “family” realistically, everyone should just come to their senses and stop being all emotional then it will boil down to the child.

  10. Cuzzo Says:

    omg – I just wrote a book. lol

  11. Cuzzo Says:

    …and another thing….

    I caught the first 10 minutes of the Tyra show this morning and the topic was sex addicts. So, this guy was on there saying he attrubited his sexual addiction with his upbringing seeing his mom in the act and around diff men all the time. Moms defense was that she was trying to find a good father for her kids *sigh* this is what some women do. I didn’t see the entire segment so there could have been more to this. But, his sister was saying that he shouldn’t blame mom because she didn’t turn out that way. She turned her life around and is now married with two kids and loves her life – though she can’t be fully happ because he bro is not happy.

    side note – these were white ppl

  12. jac427 Says:

    Cuzzo: You are right. When you think about it that way, the woman has to raise the kids no matter what. She can’t take the day off or get a break, nope none of that. If men had the same duties (well all men) then I bet they’d think twice about running off (think If I Were A Boy)

    I can see this guy blaming his Mom although I don’t think she should get all the blame at all. He definitely needs to jump off that whole well since Mom was a slut let me do it too mentality.

  13. Teacia Says:

    Cuzzo I agree with you 2000% percent. I think most women these days, as well as men take the statement out of contact.

    Man and woman were not created to be alone. Our bodies were even molded to intertwine, so I’m the first one to say that I need a man to be whole…am I ready for one right now, no…but give me a minute.

  14. Teacia Says:

    sorry correction…take the statement out of context**

  15. QB Says:

    Great poswt Jac. I can’t speak to fixing the black family but i think fixing families in america in general is important.

    along with that though there are times when two people get together, have a baby and there is no way shape or form a relationship is going to work out for them. At that point I think it’s important for people to recognize that they are better off apart – but there should be “rules” that come with that. Things like a timeframe/seriousness factor before introducing your child to someone you are seeing. I think Eathan has touched on this at least once over at I Date White.

    I have a friend who is constantly meeting guys on yahoo personals and then when she goes to meet them in real life for the first time 9 out of 10 times she takes her son. He is 7 now and is always saying “mom when are you going to meet someone that is nice to you.” in my humble opinion he shouldnt ever know a guy until that guy can prove that he will be nice to her. Her 7 year old shouldnt know about the guy that never called after the first day. Or at least shouldnt have met him.

    Anyway that’s my opinion… again, great post.

  16. Jac Says:

    Thanks QB…I am actually going to ask Eathan to write a guest post over here.

    I think he would have a lot to ad.

    Why the hell is you friend taking her 7 year old son to meet all these different people. I have even had to tell my ex that if a woman is willing to let her kids so much as see you off the bat something is wrong. I think we need to stop parading our lack of love in front of our children because then will begin to feel it too.

  17. Steve Kells Says:

    Taking a 7 year old to meet a stranger you met online is a bit irrational. But to each it’s own.

  18. QB Says:

    Yeah i dont know why she is taking him to meet these men. It makes no sense to me.

  19. I agree with you Cuzzo… it is not an ideal society but all we can do is try. Ideally we would all think before we act sexually but we get caught up. Hell, I’ve been caught up PLENTY of times which is why I’ve began to make a conscious effort now.

    I couldn’t imagine being a single parent, it’s the hardest job out there. I babysit children for a night and am ready to pull my hair out, I couldn’t imagine not having the option to “give it back.” I agree, it’s so easy for the man to walk away, leaving us to raise the child alone, which is not fair. That’s why we as women, if given the second opportunity, need to be more proactive to this thing.

  20. […] our relationship. Yes I can survive on my own but as Jac said the other day I need a man to be the yin to my yang. Settling with a man that already has children also lessens the chance that he is going to want me […]

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