Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Dating Preferences – Children or No Children October 24, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sunny @ 7:22 am

Today’s post comes from our girl QB.  Enjoy!

A while back, Eathan wrote a post “How Soon is Too Soon” in regards to a single parent introducing their children to their new boyfriend/girlfriend. I have been mulling this over in my mind since that post. Most of my exes have children but I am wondering going forward how comfortable am I dating men with children. For me it’s a toss up. I go back and forth between saying that I am okay dating a guy with kids to saying that no I really don’t want to date a man with kids. At this point I am still somewhere in the middle because there are pluses and minuses to both.

 

Growing up, I wanted to have 100 kids and be a rich New York City lawyer. My plan was that my mother would care for my children. This was all before I ever babysat and really knew what it took to take care of children. As the years have gone by I have gone from wanting 100 children down to being happy with the idea of being a step mom.  I am truly frightened by the idea that a child’s upbringing and well being are 100% in my hands. I have decided that maybe later in life when I have all of life’s mysteries figured out (ha-ha) I will possibly adopt, however for reasons we won’t get into (because they have nothing to do with this post) no matter what I will never give birth to a child 

 

My biggest concern comes in the fact that frankly I am very selfish. I am getting to the point in my dating life that I am tired of not being #1 and with that being said dating a man with children puts you at least at #2 depending on the number of children he has. If it doesn’t – is he someone I want to date? Not really. If I date a man with children I want him to be a large part of his children’s life unless there is a very good reason for him to not be which I have found there to be very few good reasons. And if the man I am dating isn’t a part of his children’s life because he chooses not to or doesn’t make an effort – well I really don’t want to date a man like that? That answer is easy – no.

 

On the flip side of that there is something about a strong man who takes care of his children that can melt my heart in seconds. I am big on having a close family (I wish mine was closer) and I have a very special relationship with my dad. To see a man that values his relationships with his kids reassures me that he is probably a family man and will probably be able to take care of me in our relationship. Yes I can survive on my own but as Jac said the other day I need a man to be the yin to my yang. Settling with a man that already has children also lessens the chance that he is going to want me to have children and raises the chances that he is going to be happy with the fact that if I do ever have my own children they will be adopted.

 

So as I said before this one is still a toss up for me. I could date a single childless guy and make sure that I can be his #1 or I could date a guy who has children and have my heart melted every time I watch him with his children or hear them talking about them. I think for now while I am just dating I will try to stick to guys that don’t have kids but once I am ready to truly settle down I am pretty sure I want a man in my life who is raising his children and doing it with all his heart (leaving just enough room for me). I am not saying I won’t date men casually that have children; I am just saying I think my preference will be men w/o them.

 

There are obviously other reasons to date or not to date men with children but these are the two biggest arguments for both sides for me. Yes I am leaving out the issues with “Baby Mama Drama” because frankly if he cant handle his “baby mama” in a fashion that doesn’t create drama well then he isn’t ready to be dating other women.

 

So I pose the question to all of you single ladies and gentleman… what do you prefer and why?

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19 Responses to “Dating Preferences – Children or No Children”

  1. nickisunshine Says:

    I prefer a man without children… I’ve dated men with children. With all of them, I was never first. It’s great that they were fantastic father BUT I don’t have kids, I need my time when I want it, [ 😉 ] and not after you take your child to Six Flags… and so on and so forth. I don’t ask for much time but geez, I can’t even see you once a week????

    If you find me a man that can balance fatherhood AND dating, we’ll talk…

  2. akua Says:

    I will date men with children. however I prefer men with boys as opposed to girls. little girls already have their daddies hearts in their little pockets…

  3. riku Says:

    well dating online is a need in capitalism.. people have no time for meeting.. soo those sites are good i think..

    i use eupee.com and facebook.com. they are both good ones.

  4. nickisunshine Says:

    @Akua: You ain’t never lied… Two of the SERIOUS daddies I dated had little girls and they were just spoiled!

    @Riku: thanks for those suggestions… I’ve actually considered online dating but have not indulged yet.

  5. thecomebackgirl Says:

    100 kids? how old were you with this dream Sunny?

    And face book to meet men? i thought all that jive small talk was just men being nice and networking lol…let me straighten up…cause maybe santa put his butt on a social networking site LOL.

  6. nickisunshine Says:

    @ Comeback. “let me straighten up…cause maybe santa put his butt on a social networking site LOL”

    He just may be. You and me both need to get it together.

  7. Teacia Says:

    Being a single parent this was a bit of a conundrum for me after having my daughter. I actually didn’t care before I had a kid if he had one or not…it just so happens that most of the men I date don’t.

    Since having my daughter I’m leaning more into the not havin any kids column…yeah I know that’s strange coming from me but hey I’m a baby mama, I know how hard situations can get, I know how hard it is for both parties to stop screwing on those weekend visits and I especially know that not every chic deals with their issues pertaining to my kid as calmly and rational and I do. Hell, it also leads me to believe if he was going to have a baby mama, then I’m the best thing out there.

    The flip side, chics get stupid, ignant crazy when it comes to their kids. Their pride is hurt when they see their child’s father doing for himself and others before what they perceive to be doing for their child. They become jealous and enraged of the new chic on his arm and does everything in their power to corrupt and future and possible relationships that don’t include them…and truth is I don’t have time for the dumb shit.

    No man has ever had to worry about my daughter’s father…or me even caring about what he has going on in his life. I decided long ago that if I wanted our kid to be a staple in his life then I was going to have to stay in my lane and respect his decisions and privacy, even if I disagree with them. The problem is that most chics aren’t me, and personally I don’t have the energy to be fighting with a bond that I know is tighter than super glue.

  8. Teacia Says:

    Being a single parent this was a bit of a conundrum for me after having my daughter. I actually didn’t care before I had a kid if he had one or not…it just so happens that most of the men I date don’t.

    Since having my daughter I’m leaning more into the not havin any kids column…yeah I know that’s strange coming from me but hey I’m a baby mama, I know how hard situations can get, I know how hard it is for both parties to stop screwing on those weekend visits and I especially know that not every chic deals with their issues pertaining to my kid as calmly and rational and I do. Hell, it also leads me to believe if he was going to have a baby mama, then I’m the best thing out there.

    The flip side, chics get stupid, ignant crazy when it comes to their kids. Their pride is hurt when they see their child’s father doing for himself and others before what they perceive to be doing for their child. They become jealous and enraged of the new chic on his arm and does everything in their power to corrupt and future and possible relationships that don’t include them…and truth is I don’t have time for the dumb shit.

    No man has ever had to worry about my daughter’s father…or me even caring about what he has going on in his life. I decided long ago that if I wanted our kid to be a staple in his life then I was going to have to stay in my lane and respect his decisions and privacy, even if I disagree with them. The problem is that most chics aren’t me, and personally I don’t have the energy to be fighting with a bond that I know is tighter than super glue.

  9. Junior Says:

    I can’t lie, at this point in my life, a woman with child would have to “sneak under my radar” before I would be willing to give her a chance if she already had a kid. I think that I am also a little too selfish as well at this point in my life. I’m only 26 and right now I really don’t care for the complications that can arise from dealing with the mother, the child, and possibly the “baby daddy”.

    Now maybe once I turn mid 30s I’ll rethink this and possibly be more open, but if I haven’t chosen to have a child myself, I just don’t think its fair to me right now to have a child thrust upon me. That might even seem a tad bit hypocritical considering I have a step father, but I rationalize it with the fact that he already had 3 kids, so my mom coming to the table with two was always reasonable in my book.

  10. No More Heroes Says:

    I prefer not to date women with children. I rarely plan anything, almost everything I do is at the moment. I want a woman to be able to go with me if I decide I want to go on a trip that weekend, or if I want to do something that night, and most women with children wont be able to do those things.

  11. Eathan Says:

    Wow.. Thanks for the Luv. I’ve never been afraid to date a woman with kids. I notice the age of their kids and how many kids they have. There’s no way I can date a woman with 100 kids..lol

    Seriously, I usually don’t date someone who has kids younger than mine. It’s just my preference. One day I’m going to retire and move to the beach..and I can’t do that if I keep starting over with little ones.

  12. Humble_One Says:

    I prefer to date a woman without children but it is not a deal breaker. In my early 20s it seems that all the women I messed with had children. There are difficulties in dating a woman with children but if you feel strongly about that person you will work around it. One problem I have noticed with people who have kids dating people without kids is the future family issue. If you want children and the other person has had theirs and they are finish it can be a problem.

  13. Anitra Says:

    My problem is kinda like humbles when it comes to dating men with kids. I had a guy tell me since he had 2 (same crazy baby momma) that he didn’t want more. I said I wanted atleast 2.

    The other problem is that with a man with kids (who is an active father) will always make you be #2, and well I don’t want to be #2 or 3 or 4 lol.

    Oh yes and my last real fear is that the man I date with kids wouldn’t have the same type of reaction to having my baby as he did his first when it was all exciting and new.

    I just keep having this nightmare that my water breaks and he tells me “bay the game is on soon as half time comes we can go”

    wtf!!!

  14. Teacia Says:

    I was like that after I had Alex, I didn’t want anymore…but now I want at least one more, maybe two…with my husband. It is important for a husband and wife to have kids of their own.

    In my opinion this is one of those take it as it comes situations, every couple and situation is different.

  15. Nicki Sunshine Says:

    “my last real fear is that the man I date with kids wouldn’t have the same type of reaction to having my baby as he did his first when it was all exciting and new.

    I have this same fear, Mik.

  16. QB Says:

    Awwww ya’ll put up my post! I didnt even know that was gonna be today. :o) makin me smile.

    Its interesting to read the different reasons we do or do not want to date men w/ kids.

  17. Britt Says:

    I prefer not to date men with children. It’s a STRONG preference (I can count on one hand how many times I have done it) for several reasons. 1) Like Mikki said, I want my first child birth experience with my husband to be special. You shouldn’t date someone who wouldn’t potentially be a mate. 2) Call me callous, but I really don’t care about Big Head, Jr. I don’t want to hear about his first day of school, learning to tie his shoe, or his first fishing trip. 3) I don’t have children, so is it wrong for me to expect you to vigilantly use prophylactics? I did it, you could have too. 4) I have several friends with children and I know what the deal is. In my mind, you are still hitting your baby’s mama.

  18. Britt Says:

    Oops sorry Anitra. I meant Anitra not Mikki.

  19. Shelia Says:

    Good topic. I don’t have any kids but it doesn’t bother me if the man has one or two…at the most three…but if it’s three, it should be by an ex-wife…not three seperate babies mommas.
    He should also be playing an active role in his kids lives—child support and if they live in the same city, he should be spending time with them. I can’t be with a man who is not taking care of his kids.


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