Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Single Sisters On: Open Relationships October 27, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — FlawedBeauty @ 3:00 am

After numerous conversations with various people, I’m extremely interested in the concept of an open relationship, herein defined as:

A relationship in which two people agree that they want to be together, but can’t exactly promise that they won’t see other people too. Basically, to have it all: a significant other and the freedom to hook up with other people. Common during college for many post-high school relationships.

Well now that we have a full definition let’s talk about this for just a moment please. Many people in their mid-twenties to early forties are walking around talking about they want to be in an open relationship. WTF? You’re an adult and you cannot make up your mind whether or not the person you have is fully worth it or not? You feel that you need to continue to date and sleep around. Now as my friend pointed out people who are in these types of relationships often want to have their cake and eat it too. They want to have someone with whom they’re in an open relationship with and then there’s likely someone who they want to belong solely to them. This concept seems wholly ridiculous to me. Why in life would I ever want to think well he’s with me, he spends nights here and he can go ever there with her, but as long as he comes home to me it’s cool. That doesn’t even make sense. There’s too much going on out there for you to think you can just go back and forth and sleep around. Furthermore, even if you are not sleeping with multiple people I think it’s selfish to feel like you can have more than one companion in a full capacity. This is not to say that you should not multi-task that @ss. Get your date on, but don’t have people thinking they’re your one and only when you have like 20 different mates.

So how do you good people feel about open relationships? Are they a go? Do you feel you should have a person’s undivided attention?

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87 Responses to “Single Sisters On: Open Relationships”

  1. “Get your date on, but don’t have people thinking they’re your one and only when you have like 20 different mates.”

    And say that again!

    Hell no to an open relationship for me. I’m selfish and when I’m interested, I’m trying to build a foundation with that one person. How can someone fully devote themselves to you, if they have another breezy on the side?

  2. No More Heroes Says:

    I love open relationships. It may be the only type of relationship I am capable of having. I have been in two successful open relationships, where both people truly understood the rules and were honest about their roles in the relationship. But this–

    “They want to have someone with whom they’re in an open relationship with and then there’s likely someone who they want to belong solely to them”

    –Is NOT an open relationship.

  3. thecomebackgirl Says:

    Yeah im not into this either. Personally outside of multi-tasking dat @zz…from a dating perspective.

    i can’t knock nobodies hustle..wrap your shyt up and have integrity about it. If a woman is thinking that its justyou and her-then your wrong. The truth works. give all involved an opportunity to stay or go.

    some of this i think is utter selfishness. like i want to screw around in the pixie dust confines of a “relationship”. bad karma all the way around.

  4. Anitra Says:

    “bad karma all the way around.”

    thats just it right there

  5. Anitra Says:

    while I agree with Heroes that you need to be honest. I don’t really know a whole lot of women that will be like oh yea I just like my man to date other women because I do it to. Most of us only do it because we are looking for ONE, not because we find thrill in it.

  6. Cuzzo Says:

    …it seems like more (really only) men are on this bandwagon.

  7. No More Heroes Says:

    The thing is alot of women say they wouldnt be ok with this, until the situation actually presents itself…you might be surprised.

  8. “The thing is alot of women say they wouldnt be ok with this, until the situation actually presents itself…you might be surprised”

    I will cut a negro. LOL.

  9. jac427 Says:

    NoMore: Wow, I actually dated someone who was into this lifestyle and he told me that he didn’t think I was cut out for it AND that since he wanted to be with me then he was willing to cut his lifestyle out. To some degree it’s like throwing a rock then hiding your hand then using the other hand to throw a rock at the next house. I just can’t handle it.

    Also I cannot focus my attention like that. I can multi-task but I’m not giving any one person more attention that the other. That’s just wrong.

  10. Humble_One Says:

    “Get your date on, but don’t have people thinking they’re your one and only when you have like 20 different mates.”

    Cosign this. I see too many dudes doing this and it’s not right. If you want to play the game you got to be fair. I don’t think there is anything wrong with doing this if both parties agree to the terms of the relationship. The problem with this is that someone always violates the rules. I have seen some men but mostly women usually losing in this situation.

  11. Shelia Says:

    Why be in a relationship at all if it’s going to be “open.” To Me having open relationships is B.S.

    Just say you’re dating and keep the “relationship” word out of the equation.

  12. jac427 Says:

    Maybe Humble has something going here. I mean if you violate the rules chances are you will get hurt and women are more likely to catch feelings than men are.

    Shelia: EXACTLY!

  13. Shelia Says:

    No More Heroes – the problem with open relationships is that when it comes down to it–somebody will want to break the rules. Emotions will get in the way. I guess that’s why I don’t do the “open” relationships because for me, if I’m in a relationship with a guy, then it should be just me and him. Now if we’re just dating, then he can do his thing and I’ll do mine and it won’t be no hard feelings.

    Even under dating circumstances, guys have lied to me when I’ve asked them if they were dating other women. It’s ridiculous to me that men still feel a need to lie when they are talking to a woman who has no problems with them dating other women. When a man lies like that and we are not even in a relationship, it makes me wonder what he will lie about if we were in a relationship.

  14. Teacia Says:

    Finally a topic relevant to my life!!

    Ok, so I’m not much for sharing in reality…however after the recent split of me and my ex I don’t know if I have the mental capacity to fully commit to anyone right now. I am interested in one guy, I’ve actually been weak for him for a couple of years(the guy from Monday’s midafternoon frolic). Here’s the thing, he really cares about me, always have but I know he doesnt’ do jump offs and is going to want to be in a relationship in a month or two BUT I don’t think I have it in me right now.

    I have the fireman, the bodybuilder…and a few random prospects from the game this weekend. BUT if I hadn’t moved to Tampa he and I would still be together I’m sure of it. He’s the settling down type, and although I usually am I’m not sure I am right now…what to do. Do you think I should pose the possibillity of an open relationship…or do I not even want to open up that can…because I don’t really do sharing?

    Fellows what say you…oh and he told me this morning(yes, fill in the blanks) that he wasn’t going to be calling me this week and that he’s going to wait me out b/c apparently I never call. I didn’t call him all week after Monday, but he didn’t call me either…we ran into each other at the game and all went out to Hooters afterwards. I’m just looking for something physical but he’s all hugging and holding on me and sh*t…the things I normally like while sleeping almost suffocated me last night…I’m so screwed. *sigh*

  15. Shelia Says:

    Teacia, you just got out of a relationship so your needs may be different than his right now. It’s not fair to you or him to do the “rebound” thing. Take some time for you and if he can wait around, then maybe he deserves to be given a chance. But keep in mind, he might not be around when you’re ready–and if he isn’t, then it wasn’t meant to be. You both have to be ready for it. It sounds to me if you got involved with him now you would feel trapped–and a relationship shouldn’t feel that way–so do you and be honest with him.

  16. Cuzzo Says:

    @Tea
    that doesn’t sound like open relationship – sounds like dating. Do the dudes think they are the only ones?

    I don’t assume I’m the only person a guy is seeing unless they tell me that (and I’d ask).

  17. Cuzzo Says:

    @jac
    multitask that @ss and get me Hi-C fruit punch (I’m not in the fit club)

  18. Cuzzo Says:

    @Tea
    “Do you think I should pose the possibillity of an open relationship…or do I not even want to open up that can…because I don’t really do sharing?”
    uhhh…no. open relationships are not one-sided (ie. you’re the only one for me, i’mma do me still but u can’t cuz i’ll get jealous)

  19. I’ll have a water with a hint of pretending it’s a martini.

  20. Anitra Says:

    I agree someone is always going to lose in the “open relationship”

    meaning catching feelings. I mean you tell a woman your seeing other people next thing you know your car is key’d and your windows are busted…

    yall need to listen to what the R & B is trying to tell ya lol

  21. Anitra Says:

    can yall go validate my post please

  22. @T: I agree with Sheila.. rebounding is not fair to anybody. have you fun but just be honest initially… a relationship is not what you want right now….

    I have no problem with honesty. IF I was the guy, sure it may hurt initially but he will appreciate it.

  23. Humble_One Says:

    @Teacia
    “I’m not sure I am right now…what to do. Do you think I should pose the possibillity of an open relationship…or do I not even want to open up that can…because I don’t really do sharing?”

    You know yourself. If you don’t do sharing don’t do it. If you are not sure IMHO you don’t want to do it. If you can’t separate sex from emotions with a person you have strong feelings for then you don’t need to do it.

  24. jac427 Says:

    *runs in gives Cuzzo fruit punch*

  25. Mik, consider yourself validated.

  26. Humble_One Says:

    Are you serving beer here?

  27. Cuzzo Says:

    heeeyyyy, it’s a party!

    *turns up J-Lo, My Love Don’t Cost a Thing*

  28. @Humble: “Are you serving beer here?”

    Heck yeah, this is full service.

  29. jac427 Says:

    Humble: Co-sign.

    Teacia: Slow it down a bit with him, because he seems to already have a piece of your heart.

    Also I say be careful with rebounds because sometimes you find that you really love them but you haven’t healed enough to really give yourself.

  30. Teacia Says:

    Cuzzo he doesn’t think he’s the only one…actually very few men I date(even when I’m being faithful) believe that they are the only one. I know he will want that from me soon though, it’s just how he is.

    Sheila timing is a big thing. I moved to Tampa 3 months after we started dating a couple years ago…he had a problem w/ the distance and trust(can’t blame him i was always surrounded by men in tampa) so we put our thing on hold…and when I moved to the O’ I wanted to give it another try but he was in a relationship and would come to the O’ to hang out with a few of his bruhs and he and I would always do City Walk like a ritual and just hang…the entire time we’ve remained platonic friends. He and his ex finally parted after about 6 months of trying to call it quits(i never violated their relationship btw) a couple of months ago. So now he feels like we’re both in Jax and single and that the timing is finally right…but I’m *whispering* still kind of emotionally attached to my last relationship…but I’m afraid that if I don’t give it a try that he won’t be around when I’m ready.

    Oh and Cuzzo screw the other guys…he and one other guy are the only two men who I would consider dropping them all for at this point. My friends have mixed feelings on it, a couple think I should do me and keep him on deck but the hopeless romantic of the group thinks that I should just take the plunge…AGAIN.

  31. @Cuzzo: I like J-Lo’s “Get Right!” Play that next. LOL

  32. Uh oh… moves are getting fluid and loose after my first pretend martini.

  33. Teacia Says:

    “Also I say be careful with rebounds because sometimes you find that you really love them but you haven’t healed enough to really give yourself.”

    Jac you hit the nail on the head…this man makes me weak but I’m not ready to give anyone my all right now…maybe in a few months…but then it may be too late.

    And respectfully I don’t believe in fate in accordance to “if it’s meant to be it will be”…I live more by that the creed that “if it’s meant to be, you will make it work.”

  34. “And respectfully I don’t believe in fate in accordance to “if it’s meant to be it will be”

    See I do live by that one…

  35. jac427 Says:

    Pray on it Tea. That’s about all I can say. I mean sometimes its tough because you may go back and forth a lot but then eventually God will have it in his way for it to be right.

    Whew it’s a real party over here.

    I’ll take Diet Coke and Bacardi that’s 90 calories. Ok I can have it and a salad!

  36. Humble_One Says:

    @Nicki Sunshine
    “Heck yeah, this is full service.”

    May I please have a Red Stripe or Heineken Dark?

  37. @Humble: [Sliding it down the bar counter top to you b/c I’m so cool]

  38. Cuzzo Says:

    woooo hoooo

    *J-Lo, Get Right*

    shout out to Nicki – hostess in this joint.

  39. jac427 Says:

    Does anyone want anything to eat? Maybe some fried fish? Some barbecue?

    Cuzzo-Play me a song!!! I wanna hear “Dirty Diana”!!!

  40. @Cuzzo: “AAAAWWWW, Shoot. bobbing head… moving shoulders… booty shaking… I’mma about to serve you up, we can get right, before the night is up, we can get ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ght….”

  41. Teacia Says:

    Nikki, that’s like leaving life up to chance…chance only takes you so far…the rest is up to us.

    It was chance that he was at the game yesterday, AND that my friends and I left 3 mins before the game was over during a close game, AND that he was leaving at the same time with his boys, AND that if we hadn’t stopped to take pics with the Jaguar we would have missed them altogether, AND that if we hadn’t caught a cab we wouldn’t have even been heading that direction, AND if Crystal hadn’t said hey Dee I think that guy is trying to get your attention(b/c i totally didn’t even see him) I would have never saw him and he would have thought I was purposely ignoring him, AND that he felt it important to express his distaste for me not calling him AND letting me know how he feels…at what point do you thank chance, and then take over and control your own destiny.

  42. Teacia Says:

    Yall are fools…lol, my head hurts…I think I may take a nap now.

  43. @T: That’s me leaving it up to God. Now, I ‘m not gonna claim super religious, I’m a work in progress. But I truly believe that he knows the desires of my heart… I’m living by Jeremiah 29: 11:

    “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”

    I have to rely on him b/c I’ve tried to “make it work” so many times with relationships that were not for me and I always got burned… to get something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done… so now I’m trying His way.

  44. Cuzzo Says:

    dammit Jac – that’s too slow for right now, I got u later

    *mr.cheeks – lights, camera, action remix*

    woooooo hooooo
    woooooo hooooo

  45. jac427 Says:

    I say that you take over right now and start trying to make something work, but move slowly and cautiously until you heart can totally be in it. I believe we ought to be with those who love us instead of trying to force someone else.

  46. “Yea, I’m talkin lights, camera, action
    Had me singin “I’m sorry Ms. Jackson”

  47. Teacia Says:

    Oh yeah yall, I wrote what was supposed to be an email to Eathan but ended up as a guest post halfway through it…and he posted it on his site today. Please stop by, read, share your thoughts and responses.

  48. Me: {yelling:} Who knows the DJ?” Anybody heard of her?

    Jac: yells back, “Yeah that’s dj cuzzo off the block”

    Me: She’s off the chain. I can’t get off the dance floor.

  49. Humble_One Says:

    @DJ Cuzzo – r u taking request?

  50. Cuzzo Says:

    awww thank ya thank ya

    *remy ma – whateva*

    it’s whateva
    whateva
    whateva
    whateva

    ok, i’m about to stop, lol

  51. Cuzzo Says:

    *takes off headphones*

    what’s up humble?

  52. Humble_One Says:

    @DJ Cuzzo

    You have any Detroit hip-hop? If so I would like to request the #1 song of the year “Motown 25”.

  53. I’m moving off the dancefloor and letting humble does his detroit shuffle.

    j/k. LOL

  54. No More Heroes Says:

    Shelia-“the problem with open relationships is that when it comes down to it–somebody will want to break the rules”

    Thats ok. All you have to do is be honest about what you want. If you want more than an open relationship then communicate that with your partner and see if yall are ready to make it exclusive.

  55. Cuzzo Says:

    @hum
    i have everything (in my imagination). is it a dance song? i’m playin dance right now. how about this – i’ll let you spin.

    (jac I didn’t forget about u)

    continuing with swizzy

    *TI – bring em out*

    it’s hard to yell when the barrel’s in ya mouth

  56. Hey guys.. the tree house is back up!

  57. Bah-rell Cuzzo. LOL

  58. jac427 Says:

    Whew….get it..get it.

    Can we get some bounce up in here?

    That I ain’t had sex in a long time….? for the celibates?

  59. LOL @ Jac and that stripper song.

  60. What is bounce Jac?

  61. jac427 Says:

    New Orleans Nicki! Where ya bounce ya ass…

    And people clap and say ya ya ya get it get it

  62. Cuzzo Says:

    woowwwww.

    ok. we had the ny spin…n’orleans spinning next…followed by detriot.

    we country-wide baby!

  63. Cuzzo Says:

    i know i just spelled detroit wrong – typo leeme lone

  64. jac427 Says:

    ^bounce

    When they play this damned song people go absolutely nuts!

  65. Humble_One Says:

    @Cuzzo
    “i have everything (in my imagination). is it a dance song? i’m playin dance right now. how about this – i’ll let you spin.”

    Thanks. Alright people we are going to change the tempo a bit.

  66. LOL. I don’t like the bounce jac. I liked that song BEFORE!

  67. jac427 Says:

    I’m sorry Nicki…it’s very degrading…hehe…I love that song Hum!

  68. @Humble: I do like it…. but I can’t bop to it in the club… reminds me of Lil Brother.

  69. jac said degrading. LMAO! You be p poppin on the floor, huh?

  70. jac427 Says:

    Nah, but I might’ve caught a wall or two in my day

  71. caught a wall! LMAO! Wow Jac. Now that would be a first!

  72. Cuzzo Says:

    @Nicki

    i can’t listen at work but i knew he was gonna throw on something conscious

  73. @Cuzzo: LOL. It is conscious sounding…

    But Humble, this is one of my impressions of you.

  74. Humble_One Says:

    @Cuzzo & Nicki Sunshine
    “i can’t listen at work but i knew he was gonna throw on something conscious”

    “LOL. It is conscious sounding…

    But Humble, this is one of my impressions of you”

    Yall swear yall know a brotha. I should have played some Plies.

  75. jac427 Says:

    Hehe, I have to…I know, I know.

    Nicki-I’ma beast.

  76. jac427 Says:

    Ms. Pretty Pusssy….smell like sugar, taste like water!

    Is that ur themesong Humble?

  77. @Humble: “Yall swear yall know a brotha. I should have played some Plies”

    Whatever that is NOT your flavor!

  78. thecomebackgirl Says:

    dang so this is where yall were when i was tryna resusciate my dam3n blog lol

  79. Comeback this will always be the alternative bar

  80. jac427 Says:

    I dunno Nicki–I think Humble’s got a dark side

    Yes Comeback since we’re right next door and all .

  81. “I dunno Nicki–I think Humble’s got a dark side”

    What say you Hum? HMMM?

  82. thecomebackgirl Says:

    ““I dunno Nicki–I think Humble’s got a dark side””

    really??? brother hummy??? is this true.

  83. Shelia Says:

    Teacia, girl I’m pulling for you. Whatever you decide to do, let it be because it’s what you want and it’ll make you happy.

    “I believe we ought to be with those who love us instead of trying to force someone else.”

    Jac say it again. Time out for trying to be with MFs (sorry for the cussing but somebody piss me off a few minutes ago) whose actions speak a whole lot louder than words.

  84. FallenAngel Says:

    Hello everyone, my presence has been requested by our dear blogger and I sow this thread so I figured I would contribute towards anyone who may still be thinkg about this.

    I once was what is called a “swinger,” so I shall give you my perspective of what an open relationship is to one who at some point defined their life in such a way.

    An “open relationship (OR for short)” must be mutually entered into by both parties to truly exist. It is not an OR of only one party is interested, and especially if one party lies. The purpose of an OR can be twofold:

    1.) Both parties are unsure whether they want to be exclusively with one another, but they know they have a strong preference for one another. In this case, an OR is formed because although you are interested in the other you do not wish to be exclusive since you are unsure whether “this is the one.”

    Now, this takes a somewhat liberal mind. Obviously an OR is not for everyone. To be in an OR for this purpose BOTH parties must have prospects elsewhere who are fully aware of their activities. The other prospects are not “ORs” simply because there is not a full interest in them for a long term basis, but their company is an enjoyment. Now, in this case, men are usually more likely than women to desire such a thing, and I can discuss the reasons why another time. But, there is a chance that one may decide before the other that perhaps it is time to settle down. This must be discussed between both parties, and the other must be given time to “settle their accounts” with others, but of course not much.

    Again, this is only for those who really like another, wants to be the other’s priority, but does not want to give up their other prospects AND feels as though they do not have exclusive rights to their partner. Not many people feel this way- even men often may wish to have this but are unwilling to offer to their woman. (And I suppose it is possible with the coin flipped).

    2.) On the full swinger side- for an OR to work in this instance, both parties must be intrigued and in fact ENJOY that the other party in exploring outside the relationship. This again must be completely mutual and take a RADICAL state of mind.

    In this instance, both parties do not feel they “own” one another’s sexual libido but feel as though their true happiness stems from seeing it satisfied (regardless from whom). This mindset means that one party LIKES the fact that the other is having fun elsewhere. However, even in a swinger’s mind, often such things are done only in the presence of both parties. REALLY liberal swingers swing seperately, but there must be AN EXUBERANCE of trust first. This is rare but happens.

    In short- ORs are not for everyone by a long shot, and takes a high degree of trust- something that must be willingly given by both parties or earned over time- by which usually a desire for monogomy prevails. But if the conditions for being in one is not satisfied, i.e. someone wants it and the other does not, it is not a true OR- then it is a whole multitude of very bad things…

    Fallen Angel

  85. Angelique Says:

    I dunno, i have to say that at this point and time I would like to be in one of the open relationships. It’s hard not to look or flirt or kiss and so on. Sometimes being away from the one you love is not easy.
    But i guess i can see your point. You can’t have the cake and eat it too. I guess being in an open relationship does make it more complicated than before and can also being about jealousy within a relationship.
    I guess an open relationship is more of a trust idea. “You know that I am going to do it, so I am just telling you know so that you don’t have to find out later.” But in someway you have to question, do you two really love each other if your relationship is open or is your beau or girlfriend just a comfort until the real thing comes along?

  86. FallenAngel Says:

    @ Angelique

    Well, OR’s are not for loving relationships UNLESS it is more or less a swinging relationship… “You know I am going to do it and it turns you on, so I will come home and tell you about it!” In that situation, sex with others is not the same as sex with your partner because it lacks the emotional connection.

  87. Angelique Says:

    @ Fallen Angel

    This true. I’m not arguing for an open relationship. I’m just questioning those who do have one.
    In general, is it worth being with someone else when you have someone waiting for you at home? You might as well not be with the person you are with now if it takes all that work to find someone to sleep with.
    Relationships are not easy, like it said, but an open relationships is even harder to keep because people end up falling for their jump off more then their partner.
    As much as I would like to be permitted be on an OR I know that it would complicated and add more to the relationship then we both need. I also realize no other man can fill the void that I have for him at this point and time nor can that other man or men put up or understand me the way he does.
    The idea of an OR seems great, but overall I know I am not facing that facts of reality.


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