Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

The Great (or Not) Self Sabotage December 16, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sunny @ 11:59 pm

I was inspired by this post after our conversation over at the Treehouse. Comeback pointed this out: “ A Man Will Try You. He’ll Test Boundaries To See What You Will And Won’t Accept ” and we all pretty much agreed on this.

My blog sister, Cuzzo, so eloquently wrote: “When does the testing and accepting stop? A man (or woman) might lose a good woman (or man) cause she (or he) won’t accept certain sh!t just because he (or she) was “testing” the waters.”

I thought back to my past relationships, title or not, budding or long term, and I have to think, did I sabotage them? Nine point five times out of ten, I’ve walked away. I give some guys more than one chance to F up but eventually I’ll walk away… Let me give a few examples.

1. Stock Market- I’ve nicknamed the new 2520 this because I called myself diversifying my portfolio with him. I’ve never attempted to date a 2520 before. Day One, he sent me at least five text messages and called my phone twice. Day Two, I received more than five text messages and two voice mails (one from a number I didn’t know)… homeboy is too pressed, I walked.

2. Kappa guy: Seemed like a nice guy but upon date number two, he said, “You’re gonna pay next time, right? …. We had no more communication after that. (Don’t get me wrong , I have no problem paying but: a) all I had was soup. Why are you trippin? b) Let me volunteer.)

3. Mr. Threesome/Mr. Baltimore: This is the last guy I dated long term…. one of the reasons for my now almost one year stint at celibacy. I loved this man and although his thinking was fugged (wasn’t comfortable with Emotions…namely mine), I really thought we were gonna work out. We talked about starting a family (he wanted me to have a baby even though we weren’t married and I actually considered it) and me relocating there. Problem: He always asked me to do a threesome which I am TOTALLY against. We had one final blow out about it and I walked. Although we have not communicated like we used to, there was still a connection. I just saw him in September (as I had a flight layover in Baltimore) and we chatted, talked about a future and marriage…. I could still feel the love. We talked after this but it was always me contacting him. It’s not until after my mama’s sickness in November, that I turned my emotions off for him. He’s full of crap; his pixie dust has turned to mud.

Was I being tested by these men? I dunno. I’m not a woman who stays around and compromises self esteem. Maybe I’m too damn stubborn, too damn confident. It’s very easy for me to walk away; I can shut my emotions on and off, like a television.

I have this ideal in my head that the man who is for me, will recognize what a diamond I am and will treat me as such from the beginning. Yet, over and over, I hear about these women who stick around throughout all the bullsh!t and these men who eventually choose them.

This makes me ponder, have I, in fact, sabotaged myself ? And Men, what is the need for a test (since we didn’t get any direct answers when Cuzzo first posed this question!)


35 Responses to “The Great (or Not) Self Sabotage”

  1. Teacia Says:

    Whew this is a tough one. I’m a self sabotager and I know it. No man that I WANT can/will put up with half of the requests I make.

    But that doesn’t mean you settle. Yes there are women who stick through it all and are chosen, but it’s not a guarantee and you have to ask yourself if it’s worth it.

    I know for a fact that had I not left Orlando last fall and stuck it out with BD that we would probably be living together all boo’d up, but I’m not sure if he would have fully come around to loving and respecting me as he should.

    Yes it happens, men realize that a chic has held them down for 10 years and they finally take the plunge…but damn, 10 years is a looooong time. Are you willing to waste that much of your time on a man if it doesn’t come to fruition. For me that’s a no…so be it.

  2. “Are you willing to waste that much of your time on a man if it doesn’t come to fruition. For me that’s a no…so be it.”

    And that’s exactly what I’m scared of… you wait and wait and wait and nothing may happen. Who on earth would be willing to take a chance like that? There is a reason I don’t enjoy gambling.

  3. AnitraClark Says:

    Good post, I usually don’t stick around for folks I did that for ONE person in my life and that was the longest time of my life. There are MEN in this world ready to treat you right, I think its rather pointless to hang around for men that obviously didn’t get the YOU ARE THE GREATEST MEMO lol.

    But I think your standards are on point, I don’t hang around men who do stupid things, especially when you just start dating You don’t get any F up and pass go cards.

  4. Thanks Mik.

    One thing my mama always says is during dating, at the first sign that something is wrong… RUN!

  5. Jada Mwah! Says:

    Sunshine I’m starting to believe you might be my blog twin. When I first meet someone, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. But very soon I start the analyzation. Determing how I fell the majority of the time when I’m with them and so on and so forth. If it ain’t the business I walk and don’t look back.

    Life is too short to be spending too much time on a man who ain’t tryna take time with you. I had to learn the hard way…but it was not a lesson soon forgotten.

  6. @Jay-Boogie: Blog twin to you is a compliment, chica.

    U are speaking the truth girl.

  7. Jada Mwah! Says:

    Awww shucks girl ya making me blush!

  8. why is ruminations of a man password protected??? lol..

    I wanna write this before I go to starbucks..I think we get wrapped up too much in the meaning of the language than just rather accepting what is. I encourage (not only) but lets say i welcome a man testing me, first of all its FUN. thats right F-U-N. Its that push pull i was talking about.

    We all test..we push just to see where the boundaries are. Just to see how much outside of the line we can draw. Im not talking about the sickos who try and make people sad or hurt.

    but the little stuff is apart of the courtship dance. to me.

    ok coffee time.

  9. The little stuff helps both parties see what the other is made of. And I test guys too just like I’m tested. Its apart of human nature..and even animal and insect nature. The birds and the bees do it.

  10. See Comeback now I know what Whyso was saying with the challenging view points!!!!

    So, do you differientiate straight up stupidity (like those foos I mentioned above) or just some tests (like he may show up five minutes late)?

  11. Anitra Says:

    can someone tell me what happen to girlfriends?

    i was watching all the old episodes on “We” and the last thing that happen was jones boo went to war or something…..

    and what happen too the girl with the baby???

  12. @Mik: I think it just ended. Toni didn’t renew her contract an d then, I’m thinking it just fizzled… they tried it a year without her.

  13. Anitra Says:

    yes Toni!!

    I was watching an episode with Toni and joan and joan was dogging her something terrible

    she would ask for little favors and joan would be like I HAVE A LIFE I gotta go!

    and then called her a jealous? oh hell no!

    i wanted to slap her into the tv lol

  14. cuzzo Says:


    you maaaad lightyears late with the Girlfriends.

  15. we test to see what kind of person you are. Are you a push over? will you stand your ground? are you freaky enough for a threesome? these are the questions we try and answer with tests. It’s all part of the getting to know you process. Once we know what kind of woman we are dealing with the “tests” should stop. It’s just like when a girl throws out random questions to gauge our answers.

  16. Anitra Says:

    “It’s just like when a girl throws out random questions to gauge our answers”

    I am guilty of this 100%

  17. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “So, do you differientiate straight up stupidity (like those foos I mentioned above)”

    i can usuallly filter that out in the beginning of “can i get your number” so “you payin next” is not a surprise to me. I do believe that men respond differently to different women just based on her demeanor..some cheap @zz dudes would NEVER ask alot of women that question.

    i dunno..i think Super dave summed it up nicely tho..minus the threesome LOL..

    im not sure if i 100% agree that the tests stop. I think MOST of them do. the ones apart of the mating ritual. But I think men still will try you in a full fledged relationship. Again that push and pull to me keeps things spicy.

    particularly when there is that give already there of mutual respect and love.

  18. cuzzo Says:

    I am testing this dude I’m talking to now. And, I think he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t second guess like is she serious…he really thinks I’m serious.

    For example: He get’s off work at like close to midnight and he’s in pain yet and still I ask him to drive over to my house (we don’t live no where near each other) and take care of me because I have a cold. He doesn’t. But I was just seeing what he was gonna say – he was like no because he’s in pain and needs someone to take care of him. I did offer but he was on some I don’t want you to see me like this. (He’s REALLY in a lot of pain guys) He couldn’t pass or fail this time bc he really need not be around me in the type of pain that he’s in.

    this was a test, this was only a test. he’s passed another time when i asked him to come get me from the train station late at night when he had class the next morning. this is that service love speaking to me.

  19. thecomebackgirl Says:

    ***that given**

  20. cuzzo Says:

    “why is ruminations of a man password protected??? lol..”


    and i don’t even have the password…ain’t that sum bull

  21. Promise WordPress has to have the jankiest applications EVER…. it keeps messing up this one and on Comeback’s.

    “It’s just like when a girl throws out random questions to gauge our answers.”

    @Super Dave: I can def admit that I analyze. SO are you guys worried about running a woman off with the tests?

    “some cheap @zz dudes would NEVER ask alot of women that question. ”
    @Comeback: It was defin a first for me. That was very ballsy.

    “this was a test, this was only a test.”

    LOL. So I’m getting here from you guys that tests could be good. I’ve never done one… Hmmmm, pondering on whether I should start?

  22. Cuzzo and CBG: I think Jac is trying to tease us all.

  23. thecomebackgirl Says:


    and i don’t even have the password…ain’t that sum bull

    imma do a Jac **wait**

    JAC i need to have a word with you in my office LOL..

  24. Jada Mwah! Says:

    Oh now I ask me some questions! But I never thought to look at them as tests before. The lightbulb has been turned on ladies!

  25. Britt Says:

    Great post! What is a 2520? Anyway, I sometimes wrestle with this as I have been told my walls are too high. I feel like my #1 responsibility is to look out for myself and I can’t expect anyone else to. I think when a man comes around that is WORTH a little sacrifice I will know and be up to the challenge. Until then, deuces!!!

  26. Thanks Britt. A 2520 is disguise for white.

    See now, I agree with your statement. I’ve been told about those walls too… but it’s for your own good.

  27. Jolie Fatale Says:

    @nicki: did you know about NoMo’s sitations when you wrote this? cause your last paragraph speaks to that .. hmmm.. interesting..

  28. @jolie: I knew about his thing with the PGF.. but I had no clue he lived with her….

    See I’m wondering how a girls self esteem plays on this because I can’t do it! I value myself A LOT!

  29. ladebelle Says:

    ugh… i hate this “testing” BS…

    i do think that you have to be careful of the expectations that you have or else you will have “shot yourself in the foot”

  30. slimjackson Says:

    Testosterone Jackson here to save the day.

    The easy answer is that men are dogs and dogs test humans to see what is allowed before being scorned.

    My REAL answer is that everybody has tests. Women set up plans to test men and then wait for them to fail. I covered that on my site before. As for us testing our boundaries, I feel like dudes don’t test women as much as they don’t change their normal behaviors. I don’t think dudes purposely OD in the context of a relationship. We can just ask you questions up front and listen to you talk about your past need be necessary. At least that’s what I’d do. I don’t date/wife anybody who would force me to cramp my style.

    That’s probably why blogging led to the downfall of one of my relationships. Should have never told her I was a writer. Insecurity + Popular Website= Beef= Breakup.

  31. ” do think that you have to be careful of the expectations that you have or else you will have “shot yourself in the foot””

    @Ladebellle: True words… we must know the difference people.

    @slim: Thanks for spreading wang (re: testosterone) our way.

    I don’t know if I’d ever be able to admit that I had a blog to a significant.. and if I did, I wouldn’t be able to tell him where.

    “I don’t think dudes purposely OD in the context of a relationship.”

    I just need some of them to think bf they open their mouths.. be more proactive about the stuff!

  32. Britt Says:

    Ahhh @ 2520. I convinced myself it was a younger man, lol. I thought 25-20 was the age difference. LOL!

  33. Cuzzo Says:


    You’re not the only one who thought that. I had to ask a while back.

    25th letter of the alphabet = Y
    20th = T

    and there u have YT or whitey.

  34. […] What I Don’t Want: Apparently the short answer is anyone who treats me better than I treat the… […]

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