Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Live YOUR Life December 23, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — FlawedBeauty @ 12:01 am
Here’s a guest post from fellow blogger and VSB commenter Kamakula:
So, I was winding down after a day of packing and driving and decided to check my email and find I’ve been asked to author a guest post on another blog. Honestly, I was a bit surprised. But once that wore off, I was happy to be asked. Hopefully, my head doesn’t swell too large but then again, a big head isn’t always a bad thing is it? Just need to keep it under control and keep from exploding. . .
Ahem. So, I did some poking around before responding to the email to get a feel for this blog. I certainly like blogs like this one because of the subject matter the cover. Perhaps it’s because I’m still single (see our generous hostess for details, I believe there may be a finders fee involved) and I’m looking for any advantage I can get from the collective wisdom of others. Or perhaps (and I will deny I actually wrote this part when in the company of other men), I like the drama that either prompts discussions here or elsewhere (e.g. VSB).
Anyway, I say all this because my own blog is more of a recording of . . . for lack of a better term right now . . . emotional milestones and as such is broader in converage. So, I needed to figure out. . .what would I write about? I’m not sure this is quite the forum for thermodynamics, though for those who are interested, I can happily explain, followed by a demonstration, why matter tends to go from a solid rigid form to a more dispersed chaotic one or how best to recover from hypothermia in this cold season (remove damp clothing, consume warm sweet liquids, and heat transfer from a warmer body, preferably skin to skin).
Anyway, listening to Pastor Glass this Sunday, it occurred to me (don’t ask how or why these things happen, I’ve given up trying to figure it out myself) that we (both men and women) deliberately go after what we either can’t have or don’t really want and I started to wonder why? Kamakula, this has been talked about before; how will this post affect the financial crisis? I’m glad you asked.
We want someone who we find attractive, who appreciates us for who we are, who has goals that we’re willing to support and work towards, who is on a path to making those things happen, who is intelligent, and who treats us with respect. However, the people we actually try to attract are the ones we see everyone else around us getting. That playboy that seems to be dating everyone. That almost perfect 10 who we see everywhere turning everyone down. We know we’re special, surely we can get  her or him. We say we want stability, but we’re attracted to danger. We want someone respectful but somehow believe we can change someone who never respected us in the first place.
But nice guys don’t get the woman every player is buying drinks and VIP tables to attract. Women who like to walk through art galleries and follow up discussion over candlelit dinner with wine don’t end up in the passenger seat of the guy who may or may not be a dope dealer because he has not obvious means of employment yet drives $60k cars. So, we change ourselves a bit. We play the games to attract excitement, attention, danger. And ironically enough, we still end up with each other.
The nice guy pretending to be the bad boy gets the good girl pretending to be the neighborhood hottie. Then we get older, realize this game doesn’t work for us, but can no longer trust each other because we’ve both played our roles so long. I say hold on to your ideals. We deeply want people to accept us for who we are. Happiness can’t be found when someone falls for the person we’re just pretending to be. At that point, there are only two ways to go. Either we must reveal that we’ve been lying to the one who things they love us, or we must deal with the growing irritation that we know we’re not really loved. There’s no point in building your self confidence only to further destroy it.
I analyze my decisions via this prism, for whom am I doing this? Is it for my parents, to fit in with friends, to conform to society? Or do I do this for me? As many mistakes I may have made in the past, my decisions are my own and make me who I am today. I can always look back and know for better or worse, I did the right thing. I challenge everyone to do this. And perhaps, we’ll start to find that the person with up we sup is that whom we seek.

-Kamakula

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21 Responses to “Live YOUR Life”

  1. thecomebackgirl Says:

    Hi Kamakula this was nicely written. I don’t know however if i agree with this:

    “However, the people we actually try to attract are the ones we see everyone else around us getting”

    ..i’ve never been bandwagon about my taste in men. I’ve never ever wanted what other people wanted…in fact the older i get the more turned off i am by that whole VIP, baller “mystique”…its pixie in its absolute purest form.

  2. Thanks for writing on our blog, Kamakula.

    In my younger days, I can agree with you. I was attracted to the drug dealer, the “baller,” the guy walking around with multiple cell phones and mysterious knocks on his door, that he’d answer and step out for less than five minutes at a time.

    I don’t know why I was attracted to these guys, I was scared the entire time, for I am the good girl… the school girl, you know the one u always hear about in these rap songs.

    Now, as a grown woman, my tastes are significantly different. I just want someone nice., respectful, has gainful employment, working on his relationship with God and stimulates me in so many ways…..(there’s more but I’m not going to write a long post about it here. )

  3. slimjackson Says:

    Experience, experience, experience. Once you chased all those folks and perhaps dated and broke up with them, you really it isn’t all that’s cracked up to be. I don’t think it’s an issue of getting older, it’s an issue of life experience and where you are. I know women who are 25-30 and college educated, yet they still chasing that baller and have dated like 2 guys in their lives.

    I’d say that for me what I want in a woman hasn’t changed over the years. I’ve gotten bits and pieces of it from each person I dated, but never the total package. After much headache (and heartbreak), I still want the same thing…I just won’t change compromise as much.

  4. Nic-I think you are so right.

    Hi Kamakula…you’re pretty much right about this. I have dated the dude where I was afraid to look over my shoulder. And at my young age…which you know…I don’t think I’ll be doing it again 🙂

    Hi Comeback!

  5. Holly GoLightly Says:

    Hi Kamakula … I am with Comeback! I have never been interested in the guy everybody and their mama wants… I have always like the quirky, straight-laced ones who are bonafide 9-to-5’ers!

  6. Britt Says:

    Good post. I am sure this would apply to a lot of people, but like the other ladies pointed out, but not the kid. I know what I like and the less people that like what I like, the better. But, as Nikki pointed out, that type of thinking generally comes with wisdom and experience after realizing that dating the high-pro guy is not all it’s cracked up to be.

  7. AnitraClark Says:

    This was a good post, I didn’t take this context to be mostly about drug dealers, gang bangers and ballers (never been into those types) but I have chased after those men who I though to be the “brothers” ie the movie type of men. Not necessarily that you see them out with 20 women at a time, but they have this type of swagger that you KNOW keep women fawning over them.

    I think there is something to be said about going after the people we know we can’t have, I mean what if in fact you DID get that person you wanted would you be truly happy or just happy you “won”

  8. I do think this comes from experience as well although some of it might be how you grew up…anyone think this as well?

  9. kamakula Says:

    Hmm, next time I’m going to have to make sure that I’m not preaching to the choir. That’s why I couldn’t do what Pastor Glass does. There’s always at least “Oh, now you’all are being quiet” moment 🙂

  10. Holly GoLightly Says:

    LOL! That’s cause you are really speaking to people then! You calling them out!

  11. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “Hmm, next time I’m going to have to make sure that I’m not preaching to the choir. That’s why I couldn’t do what Pastor Glass does. ”

    UMM actually there is someone who needs to read this post…and SHE knows who she is. Give me a minute..she’ll behere in a sec.

  12. thecomebackgirl Says:

    oh she did read it..imma tell her to read it again.

  13. Holly GoLightly Says:

    Who you talking about Comeback?

  14. “although some of it might be how you grew up…anyone think this as well?”

    See, here, it would conflict with me bc I was brought up amongst mid to lower class 2520s…. but I was attracted to straight HOOD men.

  15. thecomebackgirl Says:

    Im talking bout Mikki..

  16. I KNEW that was who u were talking about!!!

  17. kamakula Says:

    LoL Nicki, I got your back. I want to read that long post you were talking about too. . .

  18. @Kamakula: You must stay tuned…… (how is that for a cliff hanger?) ****said seductively****

    How did I do Jac? U know seductive ain’t normally my style. LOL.

  19. temps Says:

    @ Nikki Sunshine I cant say you specically but I have always felt that women are attracted to a hustlers Convenience.

    Back in 93 what good girl was going to wait for dude in his community college while his boy pushing a 94 Beamer pulls up to her campus ground on a Thurs morning? We talk high and mighty at times about standards yet we compromise them due to convenience. Some may have picked up on my theme , one of the ways we compromise is thru Materialism bka Conspicous Consumption. Now the reverse is happening all these degreed up brothers seem to be cashing on the mistakes some of the women made in the 90’s. We just trading in one conveinent thing for the next.

  20. @Temps: I can see your point… I’m thinking for me, it was a status thing. I was dating a “baller” although I never got the monetary benefits of it…. I blame BET and videos. LOL!

    (J/K) It was all a poorly thought about fantasy… although u are dating a “baller,” you must thinking about all the negatives that come along with that, like, you are never the only woman.

  21. temps Says:

    @Nikki keepin it real, it amazes me that good black girls have these momets were yall morals go AWOL. I didnt sell crack cuz I couldnt live with usurping my moms attempts at trying to make her own living. Sad to think had I did it I might have had time with a woman like yourself and to me this is a irrectractable problem for us, today its a part of our generational DNA. Nas called it “second childhood”, doctors refer to it as extending your adolesence. So there may be some women like you who did get some drug money and despite her two degrees she couldnt be with anything other than a “street nigga”, or at least a man about “his money” and apprently nothing else, including her thoughts and feelings. This woman cant (nor can he-prison record etc) break from the waythose childish things. The ease of money and how it seems to band aid everything. I am miffed how women see money and excuse everything else..yes yall maybe young when this happens but I contend some women never really grow out of this. Drug money is more addictive than the drugs. Honestly being from one of the worst hoods in NYC I still cant see how women can just be so blind…one of my boys is doing his 3rd bid in 7 yrs and we both 32 ..the Other Side of a Hustlers Life you bet. Of course he got two kids from two different women and got them in between bids.


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