Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Dating and Disease February 11, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — cuzzo @ 12:01 am
Enter With Caution

Enter With Caution

I recently read (yes, I actually read something) an article in Cosmo about a young women who has a Huntington’s disease. She’s pretty much “normal” and healthy now but as the disease takes it’s course she will lose her mental abilities and have behavioral problems. I can’t remember exactly when she disclosed this to her current boyfriend of one year but it leaves him with the question of whether or not he wants to go through that with her.

When do you disclose that you have an illness to someone you are dating – before or after you become exclusive? If you are the person receiving the news, what would you do? Do you feel morally obligated to stay with the person because you feel sorry for them? If you are exclusive, does the love surpass the inevitable truth that you may have to take care of them, or that they may die early on? There are several questions that go through my mind coming from both ends of the spectrum.

In the irony of it all, I’ve met a man who within our second conversation told me he had epilepsy. He takes medication and experiences the occasional seizure. He told me that seizures eat away your brain a little with every episode so, he keeps a journal and writes everything down so he can remember. I’m smitten and though he does not wear his disease on his sleeve (he mentioned it, we talked about it, and that’s that), I can’t help but think about this.

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36 Responses to “Dating and Disease”

  1. I think my reaction would probably depend on the disease and how that person is taking care of themselves. If that person was diabetic and say, sneaking sweet treats everytime I turned my back, I wouldn’t be able to deal.

  2. I would admire every smile he put on his face, and i be smitten and stay smitten. You being with him through out his trials and tribulations he will love u all the more for it. Im sure it will be alot to get over but if it’s only an occasional seizure and he maintains his meds then you guys should be able to be happy together.

  3. J. McFly Says:

    I think it’s good for a person to tell some what early on. Like the guy on the second date, so you can understand him as a complete person. And I agree with Nicki on the taking care of the issue.

  4. thecomebackgirl Says:

    I agree wit sunny it depends. Im boarderline anemic…is that important in our relationship, I just know when i need to take an iron pill and keep it moving.

    My self diagnosed A.D.D would def. reveal itself early on. with “lets go here”..ok “you wanna go there”..Im cool when something has engaged me.

    Anything that potentially puts YOUR potential partner at risk is no brainer. I think somethinglike that should probably be disclosed and eased in ASAP when appropriate. Its not however appropriate over pasta on a first date.

    Something serious that is not a threat to your partner to me would come up sooner. Your “affliction” and illnesses are apart of you. Love all of it or leave me alone.

  5. “Anything that potentially puts YOUR potential partner at risk is no brainer. I think somethinglike that should probably be disclosed and eased in ASAP when appropriate.”

    There is this guy on one of my dating websites that keeps contacting me… he said read his profile and I did…. seemed like a nice guy, then the last sentence says he’s had herpes since he was 18… I never return his messages now.

    What do u all think about that straightforwardness?

  6. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “seemed like a nice guy, then the last sentence says he’s had herpes since he was 18… I never return his messages now. ”

    DAYUM.. HERPES?? wow

    thats VERY straightforward, but its also honest. I don’t know alot about herpes, but i know it doesn’t go away. And i think it makes women unfertile?? i think. BUT..at least he’s giving people the opportunity to bow out early which is to me what an adult with a disease like that SHOULD do.

    that lets me know that people on sites all the time prolly got all kinds of stuf..that prolly arent tryna tell either.

    hmm/…thats interesting.

    personally though i would appreciate his honesty and commend him for it. But id have to bow out.

  7. “personally though i would appreciate his honesty and commend him for it. But id have to bow out.”

    Yes!!!!! That is exactly how I felt.

  8. REIGN Says:

    Yea I agree it depends on the disease. I’m anemic and I have a sickle trait. Not a disease but it has to be mentioned up front just in case he has a trait as well.

    I saw and episode of Private Practice where a lady had Huntingtons and didn’t find out until she was already married. She tried to run away to spare her husband but he wouldn’t have it. Nice man (character ??).

    There was this one guy as well with a Yahoo personals that disclosed on his profile that he had Herpes. Wonder if he’s had any messages, SMDH.

  9. Jada Says:

    I think it’s def something that should be discussed in the early stages of a relationship so the other person can decide how they feel about it and decide if that is something they want to deal with.

    I was born with Sickle Cell. Physically it only affects me. But maybe ain’t nobody tryna sit in the hospital with me during a crsis…maybe somebody else has no problem with it.

    Always depends on the people and the circumstance.

  10. thecomebackgirl Says:

    @ Reign and Sunny

    They need a dating site for people with contagious or sexually trans diseases..that way each disease can date each other..if you have herpes and your date does too..if yall wanna start a relationship and have se!x..no one’s at risk for contracting what yall already have.

    problem solved.

  11. “They need a dating site for people with contagious or sexually trans diseases..that way each disease can date each other..if you have herpes and your date does too..if yall wanna start a relationship and have se!x..no one’s at risk for contracting what yall already have.”

    Girl, yes… and I think over time, I’ve learned not to trust anybody’s word… we are going to the clinic together before even indulging.

  12. Jada Says:

    @ Reign and Sunny

    They need a dating site for people with contagious or sexually trans diseases..that way each disease can date each other..if you have herpes and your date does too..if yall wanna start a relationship and have se!x..no one’s at risk for contracting what yall already have.

    problem solved.

    DEAD AS A DOORNAIL!

    But for real…I used to think that those with HIV and AIDS should only be allowed to date each other…this was in my young ignorant mind. Learning bout it in health class. The genital disease book traumatized me for life.

  13. cuzzo Says:

    It may be somewhat selfish but I feel people with transmittable diseases need to ease it to the table because people will run and not from a husband or wife but possibly a good friend.

    What if the vision of God’s husband or wife for you has a transmittable disease?

    (Are AIDS/HIV and Herpes the only non-treatable transmittable diseases out there?)

  14. “What if the vision of God’s husband or wife for you has a transmittable disease? ”

    Crikey.. I never thought of this (*deep thoughts, deep thoughts*)

  15. Jada Says:

    @ Cuzzo. I was actually watching like a mini documentary on something like that a few years ago.

    I just pray I be strong enough to submit to his will. But that ain’t nobody’s ideal situation.

  16. cuzzo Says:

    I always think of that episode of The Parkers where Chilli (from TLC) was on there and she was dating one of Kim’s friends (whose character name escapes me right now). Her character had AIDS. I think he eventually dumped her in the episode.

  17. The Comeback Girl Says:

    “What if the vision of God’s husband or wife for you has a transmittable disease? ”

    Gods vision for me is one in which i want for myself…and i am SOOO very sure… is not someone with HIV/AIDS/Herpes etc.

  18. Jada Says:

    Gods vision for me is one in which i want for myself…and i am SOOO very sure… is not someone with HIV/AIDS/Herpes etc.

    I can get with that. After all, he does promise to give us the desires of our hearts.

  19. cuzzo Says:

    “Gods vision for me is one in which i want for myself…and i am SOOO very sure… is not someone with HIV/AIDS/Herpes etc.”

    @CBG – So when you’re praying, you include Lord don’t send me a man with a disease?

  20. cuzzo Says:

    I don’t think anyone’s list included “disease-free”…

  21. LOL.. Mine sure didn’t.. I need to get a little more specific…. thing, is, I don’t even pray for man anymore. Maybe I should start again.

  22. cuzzo Says:

    “I would admire every smile he put on his face, and i be smitten and stay smitten. You being with him through out his trials and tribulations he will love u all the more for it.”

    @Akua

    All I can be is smitten. I’m not tryna make him my man…and not because of his disease. My neighbor ministered (well we had a conversation) to me last night and I KNOW and BELIEVE (I always knew but didn’t believe before) that God has a man for me. It might be him and the Lord hasn’t shown me yet (I’m not entirely sure how “the vision” works).

    But, uh yea, I’m not opposed to giving my number and having friends but I must set boundaries.

  23. cuzzo Says:

    “I need to get a little more specific…. thing, is, I don’t even pray for man anymore. Maybe I should start again.”

    @Nicki

    But do we have to be specific with God? It’s HIS WILL be done. He isn’t santa claus.

  24. REIGN Says:

    @ Comeback: You got my co-workers wondering what I’m really doing. I just got my ab workout laughing so hard… somebody really needs to get that together and it could really prevent the spread of diseases if they’re only fooling around with each other. Not a bad idea.

  25. The Comeback Girl Says:

    “I don’t think anyone’s list included “disease-free”…”

    Actually that ISNT on the list..but im gonna add that. What is on my list is a man of healthy mind, body and soul..a man with a sexual#ly transmitted disease is NOT a subset of that.

    Like JaJa said God want’s what I want..i am the captain (of my happy ship) God is the motion in the ocean and my co-captain.

  26. “But do we have to be specific with God? It’s HIS WILL be done. He isn’t santa claus.”

    I think u just kilt me at Santa Claus… I haven’t asked him jack spit lately.. think He’ll still give it to me, even though I don’t ask?

  27. cuzzo Says:

    @ Reign and CBG

    “somebody really needs to get that together and it could really prevent the spread of diseases if they’re only fooling around with each other.”

    That will never come to fruition. People cheat, lie, and don’t communicate. And you want people to be open on a public website about having a disease? There are probably millions of diseased people out there that may not have a connection with another diseased person…so we put em all in a box to figure it out and make it work with a limited amount of people to choose from?

  28. cuzzo Says:

    “Like JaJa said God want’s what I want..i am the captain (of my happy ship) God is the motion in the ocean and my co-captain.”

    @CBG

    How can God want what you want? HE is GOD – the Alpha, Omega, and I AM. You are??? Man’s wants, earthly wants, are NOT God’s wants. He has a bigger plan. If he wants you to want for nothing, you will want for nothing. If he wants to humble you, you will be humbled.

    N’est pas?

  29. cuzzo Says:

    In addition to the above (Cause I’m too lazy to edit), if a woman’s wants are a baller, shot caller…will God give that to her simply because it’s what she wants?

  30. Amber Says:

    You never know what the person you love will come packaged as. If he has cerebral palsy or Herpes or Lupus… If it is meant, I am sure you will love him just as he is.

    A.

  31. cuzzo Says:

    “If it is meant, I am sure you will love him just as he is”

    Perfect statement Amber

  32. Ms.Devereaux Says:

    It depends on the disease. If its something I don’t think I can handle I rather be honest then and let them know. I think it is up that person to decided when they feel comfortable expressing their health issues with me.

  33. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “You never know what the person you love will come packaged as. If he has cerebral palsy or Herpes or Lupus… If it is meant, I am sure you will love him just as he is.

    A.

    I take a whole nother view..Im not really a fatalist. I believe like Ive stated before God wants what I want (thats in the bible..Jada quoted it above). Nothing written in the bible (since Cuzzo went and put God in it) states that I HE IS THE SOLE decider of my fate. I think that is a total biblical misnomer.

    As a man thinketh, power is in the tongue,i shall be rewarded my hearts desires suggests I AM A CO-CREATOR..there is a GOD IN ME. With that said ive seen “healthy” people with lupus and with sickle cell..some of this is perspective too.

    but the devil is liar if im am to think that God has someone who is HIV positive/ Herpes etc prepared for me. a) because thats not how I view the man who i will love (co signed by GOD). b) Fate and Destiny is also DECISION, stars line up and i choose to see it or i don’t. c) i aint got a c. but 3 is a lucky number.

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  36. cuzzo Says:

    @CBG

    “he does promise to give us the desires of our hearts” are you talking about this statement as a quote? where is it from? The bible is all up for interpretation.

    “Nothing written in the bible HE IS THE SOLE decider of my fate”
    We have been given free will…which is why many of our decision are jacked up buuuuut He does know that we WILL make that jacked up decision.

    “but the devil is liar if im am to think that God has someone who is HIV positive/ Herpes etc prepared for me”

    the devil is such a liar that the man may be a wolf in sheep’s clothing


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