I was reading VSB one day last weekn when the topic of discussion was the drama between Chris Brown and Rihanna. We all know that generally a man should never hit a woman. However, we know that women shouldn’t act like men if they don’t want to be treated like one. I like to consider myself the model man; the prototype of sorts. However, there was one time when I was forced to hit a woman. I am very ashamed of it. I will tell the story here.
It was one very hot summer around my 7th or 8th grade year. I thought I was the flyest kid on the block. I had my little BS summer job that allowed me to buy all the Jordans and fresh fitted hats a 13 year old boy could want. I was able to pay to repair my own bike instead letting my dad toil over it. One day, while my bike was in the shop I asked to borrow a friend of mine’s bike. Her name was Lauren but she was more affectionately known as Moo Moo. Now Moo Moo was not your average girl. Hell she wasn’t your average big girl. I kid you not that at 13 years old she was over 300lbs and about 5’1. She was the only person with her bike outside that day. When I asked to ride it, she said that I had to give her collateral. I gave her my brand new Yankees fitted which was bedazzled with Rhinestones (pause). So I go to the store and come back. I give her back the bike and now I’m waiting for my hat. She’s inspecting the bike. This girl had the audacity to say that I broke the bike. I have never laughed so hard in my life. She thought that my 180lb self at the time broke the bike when her 300lb behind rides it everyday. She swore up and down that it was me though. Moo Moo decided that it was a good idea to ruin my brand new Yankees fitted if I did not promise to fix the bike. She plucked every rhinestone off, then she sat on it. I was furious. I picked up her bike, swung it around in circles and let it go. It flew at least 30 feet in the air. When it hit the ground, pieces flew everywhere. Tires went all directions. It really was a nutty scene. She was furious. She came to attack me but when she got up she fell. What made it worse that when she fell, I acted like there was an earthquake and started shaking. Everyone laughed her. I felt a bit bad at this point. She waddled off into the apartment building. I should have known something was up when she took the stairs to her apartment. She lived on the second floor but she never took the stairs. Not only did she go up but she came back down too. When she came out of the stair case, she was sporting a pocketbook. She was about 30ft away from me and I could see something glistening out of her pocketbook. She calls me over, claiming that she wanted to apologize about my hat. As soon as I get close enough, she pulls out two knives; a butcher’s knife and a carving knife. I run away. She’s approaching me and I’m desperately trying to avoid her. I don’t wanna be chopped liver but I also don’t wanna full out run away from a really morbidly obese woman, who was faster than she looked. She finally backs me in a corner. Luckily, my boy Gui tosses me a garbage can. I tell her “Moo Moo”, if you cross this line I’m going to hit you with this garbage can. She tests me and crosses the line. I throw the garbage can at her. This behemoth of a woman picks up her leg and blocks the garbage can. The can bounces back at me, tripping me up. I fall, she’s now standing over me and she stabs at me; only getting a piece of my shirt. I roll out of the way and now I’m literally running circles around her. She begins to get dizzy. My boy Gui tosses me the can again and I say “cross this line and I’m gonna hit you Moo Moo”. She crosses it and I repeatedly hit her with the garbage can, probably a total of three times. She accidentally cuts herself. She then called the cops and told them that I had stabbed her. Luckily, a crowd had formed by then and she was carted off to jail.
I have two questions for you: Was I wrong? And do you have any nutty stories like that?