Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Know When to Fold ‘Em! February 22, 2009

Filed under: Dating,Self Love,Uncategorized — Sunny @ 10:00 pm

How many of you have been in that position of trying to “make things work?”   You are unhappy, you are putting in more work than your partner and still, you stay. 

People subscribe to the “relationships are hard,” way of thinking… and believe it should be grueling.   Or by struggling with this thing, you are going to build character and one day it is all going to turn around.

Maybe I’m a dreamer, but I think when you are in a relationship with your friend, the journey is more like Springtime.  Sure there are some are some showers, but after they are over, gorgeous flowers will rise. 

Am I also dreaming by believing that during dating, you should have fun, get to know each other and create a beautiful friendship?  That after building that foundation, you commit to forming a strong relationship?   And only after then, will you even tread upon the grounds of marriage? Somebody tell me!

***stepping off soapbox*** And back to the topic at hand:  why do people stay if things are so bad?  Why do they stay when things are so hard?  So far, here are my reasons:  

1.  Comfort-ability:  Being comfortable will keep you in a bad situation because you are afraid of change.  It’s the reason that people stay stuck in dead end jobs, the reason why you stay in that deceased relationship. Or maybe you are just a glutton for punishment?

2.   Laziness:  It can also be a derivativeof #1.  Some folks are all talk but lack the inner PUSH to go ahead and do it!   You live by, “If he/she  ain’t saying nothing, I won’t either.”  Get off the couch…. NOW!

3.  Co-Dependence:  Face it, some folks cannot function outside of a relationship.  It’s a weak trait and it will leave you settling for less every time. You think:  “Shoot, at least I GOT somebody.”  (bad grammar intended)  Simple Solution:  Love yourself and stop waiting for someone else to. 

The greatest power you can have is knowing when walk away.  “Let Go and Let God;”  “Que Sera, Sera; ”   “It is what it is;”  all of those things.  Whatever phrase works for you, take it and implement it into your situation.  If you are not happy, let it go.   

Folks, please start being honest with yourselves… pixie dust is nice but it’s not the things relationships are built on.  Know when to fold them so that you can get out there and be ready for what is truly for you. 

Sidenote:  Ladies, invest in Greg Behrendt’s “He’s Just Not that Into You.”  It is truly, TRULY an investment in your well-being.

Anywho, do you have anything to add to my list?  Want to tell me I’m a dreamer?  What say you?

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22 Responses to “Know When to Fold ‘Em!”

  1. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “Why do they stay when things are so hard? So far, here are my reasons:”

    I think you nailed it with the permise. People are conditioned to believe that relationships are HARD work. Like a J.O.B. So the good stuff doesn’t seem real. Most of the black film in the 60s-70s was about the constant struggle. People glamorize struggling..i personally believe that there is very little good about it. And love..LIFE period aint suppose to be hard.

    And if you’re doing more struggle than living and enjoying…something is really wrong.

  2. Thank you CBG!!!! “And if you’re doing more struggle than living and enjoying…something is really wrong.”

    This is so true… I think people also think they will get a special reward if they endure the struggle longer when all you get is a broken back!

  3. Jaci Says:

    Nicki-This is a fabulous post. I have had this song in my head all day that goes with this:

    I think it really does take some time to understand the beauty in letting go.

    I’ve been through this and I have to say it is hard as he!l to just say okay I am going to let it go…and in my situation I think it was predestined to fail. From the beginning we were just different and as days went on we invested more and more and it was hard to leave. And when I finally there was really nothing to it…just walk away…yeah there was anger, hurt, mean words and it hurt for a day. I then took a week off of work to figure it out and then I found the best person I know.

    A lady always knows when it’s been too long though.

  4. Thanks Jaci!!!! I’m listening to the song now.. lol. I’m struggling bc her voice makes me cringe.

    But you are exactly right… there is some beauty in walking away.

  5. Jada Says:

    The list is on point Nick. I know I stayed with the ex way longer than I should have b/c he was familiar (thats a spirit). Too bad these are all lessons we have to learn the hard way. Some of us have to go through it more than once to get it.

    Being older my patience isn’t what it used to be…thank the LORD!

  6. Gracias Jay Boogie!!!!! U are right about that spirit… it gets right inside u. Shoot, I’ve stayed around, “hoping and wishing and praying,” too. LMAO. I didn’t get it until I read the book! I’d prolly still be a lost fish.

  7. Peyso Says:

    I think relationships are hard work and I think they should be. However, that doesnt mean that the cost should outweigh the benefits. If I am at a job and busting my tail working but I’m getting paid crazy guap, its all good. But if I’m not we have an issue

  8. Nick you are sooooo right!! Great post lord knows I was hanging onto Mr. Isolation for no good d@mn REASON!!!

  9. I agree with you peyso! I use the Cost Benefit Analysis!!

    According to wiki- Cost Benefit Analysis is typically used by governments to evaluate the desirability of a given intervention. The aim is to gauge the efficiency of the intervention relative to the status quo. The costs and benefits of the impacts of an intervention are evaluated in terms of the public’s willingness to pay for them (benefits) or willingness to pay to avoid them (costs). Inputs are typically measured in terms of opportunity costs – the value in their best alternative use. The guiding principle is to list all of the parties affected by an intervention, and place a monetary value of the effect it has on their welfare as it would be valued by them.

  10. ” If I am at a job and busting my tail working but I’m getting paid crazy guap, its all good. But if I’m not we have an issue”

    Right, hence my springtime example…

    Thanks Holister!!!!

  11. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “I think relationships are hard work and I think they should be. However, that doesnt mean that the cost should outweigh the benefits.”

    Maybe its a matter of perception..cause I don’t look at it like this at all. Sure there will be times when I wont agree, there maybe a few times i dont even like his @zz very much…but there’s nothing about that suggests toil to me. I guess its all the way you look it. I suppose.

  12. Right Comeback… It’s not gonna be sunshine and pixie dust, we know.. but it should not be a toil..that part I don’t understand.

  13. Britt Says:

    @ #3 – PREACH!

  14. Thank u Ms. Britt!!!!

  15. slimjackson Says:

    Hmm, this post is relevant for both sexes. I’ve def been guilty of 1 and 2. As far as number 3, I’ve heard a lot of folk talk about this lately and how men are more guilty of it than women. Not quite sure how I feel about that yet. Hmm, you just gave me an idea.

  16. @Slim, yes, it’s definitely written to both s3xes!!!!!

    I’m glad I could get your engine running this mernin’ 🙂

  17. mrsFAB Says:

    I think #3 keeps a lot of us ladies in bad relationships for sure. Great post!

  18. Thanks mrsFAB! It sure does.. I know a few of those chicks right now.

  19. Junior Says:

    Maybe i’m cut from a different cloth, but I definitely think that relationships should be easy as pie. I feel like its the ones that you aren’t meant to be in that are hard. Not saying that no arguments will pop up, or adverse situations, but I think that if you are willing to be open, and honest, and keep communication over, that there is no reason things like that can’t be overcome with little effort.

    I guess like I feel like I have only had problems when I was in situations where I didn’t want to give my all and the other person didn’t either, and that’s what made it “hard”. It’s hard for someone to pull another person along to make them be somewhere or with someone they don’t seem as though they want to be. Just my thoughts.

  20. Thanks Junior! We missed ya around these parts.

    “It’s hard for someone to pull another person along to make them be somewhere or with someone they don’t seem as though they want to be.”

    Amen!!!!

  21. temps Says:

    A married man once told me the hardest thing about being married (or in a long term relationship) was life. You are older you are now a homwowner-you now have to work to keep everything together(as oppose to leisurely affairs)-this is to me the HARD part. You are not blowing off three day weeknd to go to some warm weather spot in the dead of winter you are going to shovel the snow and take them kids to school-go to work and then come home. Most of us I think hear “hardwork” and think arguing and hashing out things long thought a done deal, the usual fuedin and fussin. I think hardwork is what that man said-yall plan to cuddle the kids wanna sleep with you-yall planned a weekend..the job is calling afterall Wifey is no 2 on the flow chart-whats this about to move to that killer house- but a relative is ill and needs money..NOW!! Getting married or being in any relationship will not dull the pain (at times or plain fruastration) in life. Can the Couple remain and learn to work with one another when adversity strikes is the key life has PEAKS and VALLEYS? And to paraphrase the great Danny Glover as long you alive there will be some hardwork..even bullshittin is hardwork”.


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