Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

“Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man” March 7, 2009

Filed under: Dating,Self Love,Uncategorized — Sunny @ 10:00 pm

I’m reading this Steve Harvey book and I’ve learned some things I wish I would have learned waaaaayyyy back ago.  I was a late bloomer, I lost my virginity at 21 years old, so I found out a few things the hard way.  I’ve had a couple of heart breaks because of the stupid stuff I did…. but it’s cool now, u live you learn.  Anywho, I’ve noted a couple of things I’ve learned and the mistakes they could have prevented below:

1. “No matter if a man is a CEO, a CON, or both, everything he does is filtered through his title (who he is), how he gets that title (what he does), and the reward he gets for the effort (how much he makes)…. until he’s achieved his goal in those three areas, the man you’re dating, committed to, or married to will be too busy to focus on you.

This would have helped me understand that when Mr. Baltimore told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship because he was still trying to build a future for his daughter, that I shouldn’t have taken it personal.  Mr. Baltimore always had a drive to be successful.   At the current time, I was subscribing to Greg Behrendt’s declaration that when a man is into you, NOTHING will keep him away.  Although this is also a good theory to go by, one shouldn’t put a blanket statement on anything. Being that I know this now, I don’t regret walking.  I had more reasons than his failure to commit.

2.  Don’t be afraid of asking a man what your status is.

This would have kept me from the majority of my confusion.  Admittedly, after having s3x, I become one of those women whose emotions are now involved.  I don’t become a “Stage 4 Clinger” or anything, but something internal happens.  I begin to see that man in a different light – I am daydreaming of us frolicking in a field full of daisies while holding hands.  (I’m joking, it’s never that serious).

But mind you, all of this remains on the inside.  I’m too busy trying to play calm, cool and collected because of the fear of being called crazy.  In my experience, a man can’t wait to find a reason to call a woman nuts.   (Or maybe this is just part of my paranoia?)

But anywho, while I have all of this churning on the inside, and I’m playing the COOL of TLC, imagine my dismay when he’s not ready for something that I thought was unfolding all along.   Whoomp, whoomp, wahhhhh.  Thank you for playing and you may now claim your conciliation prize.

3.  When a man first meets you, his primary intention is sex and how he’s going to get it.

Now, I know some of you guys are not gonna agree with ole’ Sunny on this, but I’m speaking from real life experience here.  I haven’t met a man who hasn’t tried to knock my boots (throwback) or have uttered the words, “Dayum, you sexy.”  For a while, this bothered me… I thought I was the exception and that I was doing something wrong.  After reading this, it helped me see that it’s nothing I’m doing, just keep being me…. And after he gets to know me, he’ll be interested in more.

I know you all have some things to share.  What is something that you learned later in life that would have prevented you from making a mistake early on????  And it doesn’t have to be something that is dealing with the opposite sex, share anything you like!

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49 Responses to ““Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man””

  1. Jaci Says:

    Oh Nic…how I love thee…let me count the ways!

    This was a good post. One of the things I learned from the Steve Harvey book was to state what you want and what you need. That’s important and it’s hard hard for me to do that. It’s like there can be something on my mind and I just cannot share it.

    Working on this…I’ve got to.

  2. Thanks Jac.. I really wasn’t feeling too confident about this post. Blame it on doing more than one thing at once, so I appreciate it. 😉

    I’m working on being more vocal too!

  3. Why do I get the feeling that this book will forever change MY life? Like every girl I meet from here on out will be referencing it like it’s wikipedia? like I’m going to hear the words “Steve Harvey’s book said…” alot. Maybe I should read it just so I know what going on.

  4. LMAO.. Super Dave.. U might want to get that one AND “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

  5. anitraclark Says:

    “Like every girl I meet from here on out will be referencing it like it’s wikipedia? ”

    only the ones that can’t think for them selves and use half of whats called common sense. I think the book has a lot of great points in it, I actually learned and applied of a few of his tactics (they work too)

    but to say its the end all be all is just a bit much. A lot of what he says pertaining to “us ie women” are things we actually already know, its just we may choose not to face actual facts 100% of the time.

    I agree with jac tho, always ask for what you want and don’t fear rejection. It will get you a long way in life even outside of relationships if we just learn to take no for an answer and keep it moving.

  6. “if we just learn to take no for an answer and keep it moving.”

    That is true.. My homegirl couldn’t understand why this guy wasn’t attracted to her, so she turned into a stalker.. My other girl read a chapter of “He’s Just Not that into you,” to her and now suddenly she sees the light. It’s so much better when u can be honest with yourself.

  7. Anitra Says:

    “It’s so much better when u can be honest with yourself.”

    it is but you know how the song goes “truth hurts” by usher lol.

  8. The truth does hurt and that’s why I need us to be prepared for it!!!! Develop that stone wall!!!!

  9. Jada Says:

    I think the book helped in debunking a lot of myths men would have you believe. As Mik said…things we probably already had somewhat of a grasp on but their words defied your intuition.

    Anywho…great read to put along with HJNTITY and others I’m sure. Nick you done good on this post. I really like truth #1.

  10. Thank you so much Jada!

    “things we probably already had somewhat of a grasp on but their words defied your intuition.”

    And AMEN!!!!

  11. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “Why do I get the feeling that this book will forever change MY life?”

    @ Dave I really think the book and what Steve said was something that intellectually women know and were told most of their lives…but of course there’s opposing agenda with most men who are trying to get the @zz..so of course they are going to tell you something completely different.

    the bottom line though is that Steve is a man..he’s married and absolutely crazy about his wife…so he no longer has azz getting agenda..or maybe he’s too old to care about the “game.”

  12. “but of course there’s opposing agenda with most men who are trying to get the @zz..so of course they are going to tell you something completely different.”

    I agree!!!!

  13. I’ma reference Comebacks blog and call Steve a HATER!! lmao He married and don’t want anyone else having fun… I kid I kid.

    I have not read the book but I’m sure it’s common sense like most of you suggested. I just wish I wrote it so i can be on Oprah.

  14. @SDVB: It’s a good book that I am passing on to other folks.. thing is, some women will only take advice from a man.. I have a girl friend like that.. I can tell her something and she won’t listen but if a man says the same thing I just said, he’s a genious. LOL

  15. peyso Says:

    #2 – is true. I’m always on the look out to call a chick crazy but that doesnt preclude us still having a relationship/

    #3 – Is the realest thing ever written. When I first meet a chick all I’m trying to do is smash, now if it my attempts to give her the pumpington (dates, converstation, etc.) I realize that I like her, I keep her around

  16. Peyso, if she refused your pumpington advances, did it cause you to leave her alone?

  17. peyso Says:

    @ Nicki – refuse like how? If she didnt wanna talk to me or take her out or chill, then I figured she didnt like me and I would fall back. Advances towards the pumpington arent always as forward as one would think

  18. @Peyso: If she told you she wasn’t really having sex outside of a relationship, would that discourage you?

    “Advances towards the pumpington arent always as forward as one would think”

    Like what, help a sista out??? I need to know these things

  19. Jaci Says:

    I am advancing toward a pumpington.

  20. Jac, tell me about it.

  21. peyso Says:

    @ Nicki – To be honest it depends, if she tells me that piece of info early in the relationship, I’ll prolly split. But if she waits til i actually like the chick as a person, then I might stick around.

    To your second question, If I come and talk to you in the club its prolly based on the way you looked in that dress and not whatever BS convo we had over the loud music. So when i say lets chill, I’m gonna b trying to hit. Now I know that you prolly have self respect and ate gonna let me hit on the first night or anything, so why not play it cool and chill and enjoy your company. If i keep doing things to make you feel more comfortable, then if you want to, you’ll eventually lemme hit. These things that make you feel comfortable, prolly are talking and spending time and stuff like that. It is very possible that during this talking and spending time, that I actually begin to like you for reasons outside of the dress you wore when I bagged and thats where a relationship could start. For most men, the relationship is accidental while for most women its intentional

  22. Got ya.. I heart you for being honest, Peyso!

  23. Jada Says:

    For most men, the relationship is accidental while for most women its intentional

    This seriously disheartens me. But it is what it is. SMDH.

  24. “This seriously disheartens me. But it is what it is. SMDH.”

    It is disheartening, but I appreciate the truf. now I can stop lying to myself, u know?

  25. Jaci Says:

    nic-what do you wanna know about it?

  26. Just about the kid.. I don’t think I know about this one.

  27. peyso Says:

    @ Jada & Nicki – I dont think it should be disheartening b/c either way you genuinely the beautiful woman that you are should win the love of the man that you’re dating. Even if more men were purposefully looking to get into a relationship, you still would have to do all the courting stuff. You would still have to win him over and he has to win you over. Two ppl looking to get into a relationship can do all the courting and then realize that they shouldnt be together.

    I think my statement speaks more to how men and women view relationships at the onset of them.

  28. *** e hugs for Peyso ***

  29. Jada Says:

    I think my statement speaks more to how men and women view relationships at the onset of them.

    Thanks for explaining….daps!

  30. Jaci Says:

    Oh Air Force…33…hospital director…

    i got it

  31. ladebelle Says:

    this is awesome that he’s writing the book that i had to learn all this ish through trial and error… smdh…

    but you know, as women, i think that we need to have that standard for ourselves re: not wanting a relationship until we’re set in our careers. this is really important and now that i’m divorced, i recognize the importance all the more now.

  32. @ladebelle: “think that we need to have that standard for ourselves re: not wanting a relationship until we’re set in our careers. this is really important ”

    Good point!!!! And I think it’s bc it’s been put in us to sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice for the sake of starting a family that a lot of us don’t!!!

  33. I gotta admit … Steve is pretty on point with this one.

    With the first one, it would make our (read: men) lives so much easier if women understood that it really isn’t always them and when we say “I’m just not ready for a relationship” … we shouldn’t be beat down for being honest.

    Thank you Steve … thank you

  34. @SBM: I understand what you’re saying.. For me, the confusing part comes when a man wants to play relationship with me, including, having s3x, me cooking for him, us shacking up for the weekend, but he just can’t put a title to it. It’s confusing as all get out!

  35. offdwall Says:

    “When a man first meets you, his primary intention is sex and how he’s going to get it.”

    In my opinion, this would be a generally true statement if the word “initial” was substituted for “primary.”

  36. offdwall: Touche’.

  37. offdwall Says:

    “Don’t be afraid of asking a man what your status is.”

    And I had to come back and add that this question only scares the dude who only wants the goodies with no strings. Women should definitely ask us men this question; it lets her know what she needs to know and discourages dudes from creating drama where there needn’t be any.

  38. I like the directness in Mr. Harvey’s book in terms of dating but it’s missing a very important point: If you are not happy with your life and don’t love yourself with or without a man, you are likely to forget the “rules” when Mr. good enough comes along.

    My forthcoming book, I Didn’t Work This Hard Just to Get Married: Successful, Single Women Speak Out due out on May 1, 2009 and available for pre-order now on amazon.com is the perfect companion book. Women can hear from other single women about the traps they fell into and how they’ve learned to excel in life until or unless they find the “right” person.

  39. MissPhilly Says:

    I must admit that I did purchase the book written by Steve Harvey and I also admit that I enjoyed his book. But now I’m disappointed. I found a woman author, Sharon P Carson, who also wrote the same thing in her book of THE SAME TITLE. Google her name and title of the book and see for yourself.
    Did Steve take her gift? As a poet and a struggling author myself I am so disappointed in his publishers for not researching this title and content.
    I’m contacting them for an explanation on this matter.

  40. Yo Says:

    You are right! I just googled this title and realized that the title was not original. However, Mr. Harvey’s title is extended.

  41. Anisa Says:

    The thing is: So many men are lying so easily. Afterwards they are saying: I was not honest with myself and therefore not honest with you….

  42. @Anisa: that is a dang good comment.

  43. monica Says:

    i start to read the book but i already have rules for my self..1/belive in facts not in words.2/love/respect my self more than anyone 3/not chances,the positives things must to be more than negatives with out excuses.

  44. Welcome to the blog Monica!!! Your rules are very true!

  45. airbeam Says:

    Interesting posts. I haven’t read Harvey’s book but heard a lot about it and saw him on Oprah. I just met this man (mr. so fine) and don’t want to get caught up in his fineness and forget all my common sense! Ladies you know. Any suggestions beyond the 90 day rule I should keep in mind?

  46. Welcome to the blog airbeam!!!!!

    To be honest, I have forgotten what the book even said (blame it on the bad memory) but like in all self help (type) books, don’t use it as a rule, just use it to guide you.

    If 90 days is what you are comfortable with, go for it… some wait longer, some wait shorter. Just reserve it for someone who vaules you as much as you do!!!!

    The best tip for me though was to know what you want and express it. If you just go with the flow with a man, you’ll be treated as such.

  47. Stacey Says:

    So far i read the first two chapters of this book… i am becoming disinterested because of how sexist it is… Not all men are shallow creatures and not all woman are stupid or subordinate. So far, not a fan… will be updating, hopefully more positive posts to come.

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