Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

No Ifs, Ands, or Butts About It April 22, 2009

Filed under: Community Issues,Kimfoolery,Music — cuzzo @ 2:18 am

Since the dawn of time, it’s no secret that the black man has loved a full, round posterior on a woman. So much so that some of them tend to get the uncontrollable urge to turn their heads (and sometimes bodies) a full 180 degrees to catch a glimpse of one. They have had full on debates about the different shapes of the gluteus maximus – apparently they’ve come up with names such as the “onion” and the “teardrop” booty. They have even made songs such as “Baby Got Back” and “She Got A Donk”, to show their appreciation for a woman’s rear curvature. And women further entertain the vision with dances like the “uh oh” and movements like the “booty clap”.

I think all of this backside loving has spilled over into the women’s subconscious. I’ve caught myself looking at my butt in the mirror and trying to exercise the kind of control that allows you to flex each cheek. Kind of like what guys do when they have ginormous pecs. I like to look for it’s reflection almost every chance I get while walking the street. And although it does make some men say “got damn (it’s a new day)”, I’m thankful I do not have the lip-biting, jab your friend with your elbow and say looklooklooklooklooklooklook kinda booty. How some women walk around looking like they are smuggling two midgets in their back pockets, I do not know. I’d hate THAT MUCH attention. Sometimes a whole heap (extend the “he”, emphasis on the “p”) just looks STANK (for lack of better words) or even painful to have. I have been guilty of furrowing my brow and Miss Wrap O’ Round Ass, frowning, laughing and pointing, carrying on and what not. Maybe that’s the kid in me.

There are some women that as they walk towards you can tell, they will have a fatty. But fellas, oh the fellas, God bless their hearts, MUST (as stated above) confirm this with the head turn, and in extreme cases, an extension of a statement of the obvious. In my times of people watching, I can always bet that a man will turn his head and I laugh (or shake my head) at the method.

We have the Corporate America – this is when a man waits several seconds until the woman has passed and fakes a look at his watch and then turns his head as if he’s looking for someone behind him. He doesn’t look too long.

The Thirsty Larry – now Larry can be with his momma, the pastor from his church, his kids, and he will stop whatever it is he is doing/saying and move the person to the side and have a full-out stare down.

The Disconbobulated – this kind of look will have a dude crash into passers by and anything else for that matter because he is having a lengthy look at a woman while trying to walk in the opposite direction – look out for him, he is dangerous.

The Closer – this happens in close quarters, like an elevator, and as the woman exits and the booty is seen for the first time. The closer also gives you a reaction like an “mmm”, or a full out “damn, she got a fat @ss” (imagine how I came up with this one).

The Huh? – this happens when a woman catches the man looking as she turns back towards him possibly to say something and all you get is a huh? say that again, because he couldn’t hear you over the inaudible noise your booty made.

Do we have any other types of looks? Additions to the fascination of the female buttocks? Favorite “Shake Som’in” (in a soldier boy voice) song?

In other news, a nice posterior has helped the buttherheads of America – and not just a nice posterior but in the right proportions.

*In other other news, my post two weeks ago, Nice Guys Need Not Apply, proved theraputic – though I did not intend on it. I thought about the foolishness I was putting myself through and dumped the zero and got with the hero, as they used to say back in the days of jenny jones and ricki lake.*

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35 Responses to “No Ifs, Ands, or Butts About It”

  1. Congrats on ridding yourself of the loser, Cuz!!!

    @the butts: I am a lil’ jeally of the women with the fat posteriers- I have never been accused of having an onion. Although with my lil weight gain, I now have a lil bit (what’s smaller than an onion? we’ll call it a garlic clove. lol). I can feel it jiggling when I walk or jog so I know there’s a difference.

    To me, you have covered all the onlookers. Oh, but what about the women? lol. I catch myself admiring Serena’s butt all the time. She makes me green with envy.

  2. Aww the kind of booty you can see from the front… lol While I’ve done the occasional ass watching I always find it funny how a group of dudes who don’t know each other can briefly become best friends when a nice round one walks past. Ass and sports will always bring dudes together (no homo)… lmao

  3. cuzzo Says:

    @Nicki

    “I can feel it jiggling when I walk or jog so I know there’s a difference. ”
    yes, I like this feeling. It says…I am here with you. lol

    And Serena, it’s like her @ss is 5 months pregnant. You know how people just wanna rub the bellies of prego women, I can see men just waiting…wanting to ask if they can have a rub with cupping of course. She’s a buttherhead and flaunts her booty. I ain’t mad at that.

  4. Jada Says:

    This post was hilarious and well written, not to mention so true.

  5. cuzzo Says:

    @SDVB

    “Ass and sports will always bring dudes together”

    Men….so simple.

    @Jada
    Thanks

  6. “yes, I like this feeling. It says…I am here with you. lol

    It’s like a never changing friend. lol

    And Serena, it’s like her @ss is 5 months pregnant. You know how people just wanna rub the bellies of prego women, I can see men just waiting…wanting to ask if they can have a rub with ”

    I am kilt.. but i agree!

  7. Peyso Says:

    @ Super Dave – You damn sure right about that. Dudes def become best friends over a fat behind.

    I do have some comments about your categories. I think the disconbobulated happens more when a jawn is the complete package.

    I think we have to add a category called the “make sure” booty. Its the type of booty that you have to make sure everyone else sees it too. So when you tell everyone about how you saw the perfect booty they dont think you’re lying.

    There are dimensions to a booty.
    Height – length from top of cheek to the bottom of the cheek.
    Weight – if u pick up the cheek how quickly does it fall
    Consistency – is it sofy and squishy or a muscle booty
    width – length from side to side
    Extension – how far it extends from the body

  8. cuzzo Says:

    @Peyso

    “There are dimensions to a booty.
    Height – length from top of cheek to the bottom of the cheek.
    Weight – if u pick up the cheek how quickly does it fall
    Consistency – is it sofy and squishy or a muscle booty
    width – length from side to side
    Extension – how far it extends from the body”

    I knew I could count on you to clarify the booty-ology. But, if you are just looking you cannot determine weight. So do you think there one perfect booty according to these dimensions? I don’t think there is…I’ve seen a lot. I think the volleyball chick at the top has a nice one, it’s no Serena…but still nice.

  9. Peyso Says:

    U can sometime determine the weight. If yous ee a chick running or something. But you are right, that dimension is generally the variable

  10. offdwall Says:

    This entry is the truth and I am the booty-peaker of the Corporate America flavor.

    I think there needs to be a campaign about what one considers a “phattie.” Too many women are false advertsiing their assets.

    A true one looks like a C not a parenthesis (. I feel sorry for women that have this l. Also, I have met overweight women who rave about how men like their big booty… but it looks like a bracket [. Not hot. Lastly, while I’m all for those jeans that “support” one into a J Lo booty, this < and { are unattractive.

    Thank you… the afficionado has spoken. lol

  11. Jac Says:

    OK…I am not sure what I have I am going to have to get Offey to examine for me….

    “I now have a lil bit (what’s smaller than an onion? we’ll call it a garlic clove. lol). I can feel it jiggling when I walk or jog so I know there’s a difference.”

    I feel like this too Nic…garlic clove hehe

    OK…and I am not quite a C I don’t think but I will say if there was a little more going on from the back…*whilst she is bent over a desk, you coming from a wee bit lower…* the booty would get bigger…please and thank you

  12. cuzzo Says:

    @offdwall

    The “C”, aka two midgets, versus a “(“. I guess this would coincide with Peyso’s “Extension”.

    “but it looks like a bracket [”
    no, not spongebob squarepants.

    “this < and { are unattractive.”

    how are these shapes even possible???

  13. cuzzo Says:

    @Jac

    “but I will say if there was a little more going on from the back…*whilst she is bent over a desk, you coming from a wee bit lower…* the booty would get bigger”

    Is this a science? I’ve heard people say this, sex from the back…makes the booty fat. But, I dunno. I need proof. Last summer my curves began appearing stronger and I wasn’t having sex consistently. I accredited it to my FitFlops and uphill walking/jogging.

  14. Rob Says:

    @SupaDave: “. . .can briefly become best friends when a nice round one walks past.”

    what’s more astonishing is the instantaneous mental telepathy we develop as men in admiration of said ass. no words are needed. a look alone produces the following:

    “dude, did you see her ass?”

    “sure did, that mofo was phat as hell!”

    “i’d sure like to smack that mug!”

    “I feel ya homey! You have a good day, nice to meet you ass watching!”

    All that convo, not one word said!

    @Peyso: “make sure” booty could be as you described but also could be the “make sure” it’s a fatty look. you know. like, you caught a glance and aren’t sure if it was truly fat so now you must speed up your walk, reposition yourself or make another opportunity for a viewing in order to confirm and report (through mental telepathy of course) to the FRC (Fatty Recognition Commitee) which has a “fatty database” similiar to that of the IRS or FBI!

  15. Rob Says:

    @cuzzo:

    scientific study has confirmed that regular exercise and gettin’ it from the back are both contributants to growing the posterior.

    so sistas, get more of both those in your life and the goal of filling out those hot true religion jeans will be accomplished!

  16. Peyso Says:

    Please watch that video. Its incredibly appropriate today

  17. cuzzo Says:

    lol @ Peyso

    I was almost scared to watch it. Sir Mix A Lot is like the king of bringing the booty to the forefront of American society. He gets mad props and is probably the founder and President of Rob’s “FRC (Fatty Recognition Commitee)”

    @Rob

    “scientific study has confirmed that regular exercise and gettin’ it from the back are both contributants to growing the posterior.”

    I don’t think it “grows” per say, but rather those activities help shape and sculpt thus giving the appearance of growth.

  18. Rob Says:

    @cuzzo: nope! it grows. there’s muscle in there! it’s like your bicep. you put it through excessive use or stress (ie. exercise) and new muscle is actually created as a reaction to your body saying,

    “hey, biceps are getting beat down, we need more bicep muscle to combat that!” cells grow, so forth and so on . . .

    . . . same thing happens to the booty (gluteus maximus) with excessive use or stress (ie. gettin it from the back) . . .it grows as a defense! body says,

    “hey, the BOOTY IS GETTING BEAT DOWN! we need more muscle (gluteus muscles) to combat that!”

    . . .and thus booty growth occurs and all the world is safe and pleasant!

    LOL.

  19. cuzzo Says:

    @Rob

    woooowwwww. I totally understand that science. I’m down for a better world. I must thank you on behalf of myself and the boyfriends/husbands of America from the BBBTB (Boyfriends for Bigger Booties Through Backshots) Campaign.

  20. Rob Says:

    @cuzzo: “BBBTB. . ”

    I would like to send in my application and dues for the lifetime membership.

    Hilarious!

  21. Off has kilt me with his BRACKET reference.

  22. true2me Says:

    did anyone mention the booty that ONLY looks good in jeans

    I seen a friend of mines ass naked and almost threw up..but in jeans it was Bootiful

    and how about the ass thats just BIG cause the girl is BIG

    I have a small booty and I got compliments on it

    One man really was like fascinated by it, he says he loved a small tight cute lil ass

    and most ass looks good bent over

    big ups to big booty girls…

    bit ups to us small booty chicks

  23. cuzzo Says:

    @true2me

    “did anyone mention the booty that ONLY looks good in jeans”

    I’ve heard of this, but never seen one bukkid nekkid.

    big cause the person is big, small cause they small, tomato…tomahto – it all boils down to the dimensions that Peyso mentioned. you can have a small teardrop or a big teardrop…it’s still got that cute shape.

  24. “bit ups to us small booty chicks”

    LOL.. shouts out to the garlic cloves.

  25. offdwall Says:

    I’ve heard people say this, secks from the back…makes the booty fat

    This is an Old Lies Tale… similar to an Old Wives’ Tale, but one told by men to get the draws. Doggy doesn’t help the donkey. (Feel free to borrow that. LOL) The reason men say this (aside from a line to get more doggy) is because the view from the back makes a flat azz look better. But much like the wonderbra, it’s all a mirage.

    “did anyone mention the booty that ONLY looks good in jeans”

    I respectfully disagree. A “C” booty looks good in everything as well as nothing at all.

    this < and { are unattractive. “how are these shapes even possible???”

    It’s what happens when one tries to squeeze cheek fat into booty-shaping jeans. Think of it as a corollary to the muffin-top syndrome. lol

  26. Rob Says:

    @offdwall:

    1. How can you refute this?

    Muscle + Exercise/Stress/BEATDOWN = Bigger Muscle . . .that’s science baaaaby (in my Terry Tate Office Linebacker voice)!

    2. Even if this is a lie. . . You’re horribly out of line! I’m calling foul play! Thowing the yellow flag! Blowing the whistle! Those are man secrets, you can’t share those. Absolute violation of Man Law #634 Article II Section C Pg 197.

    LOL

  27. offdwall Says:

    Rob: LOL! I don’t refute the science at all… but it’s well-known that the harder and faster a girl rides, the better it is for increasing the size of the gluteus maximus. It’s not oddgy, but the cowgirl that women need to do more of. “Needs more cowgirl.” LOL

    As for the secret, I thought that had been stricken from the playbook once it was confirmed as truth that swallowing when giving head helps reduce the risk of cancer! lol

  28. Rob Says:

    @offdwall. . . got reinstated when the “white women are okay to take home to mom if they are as fine as Jessica Biel in GQ Magazine and have rear ends like the women in the above volleyball picture!” clause was added.

    Man Law Addendum #47 Pg 481.

  29. “It’s what happens when one tries to squeeze cheek fat into booty-shaping jeans. Think of it as a corollary to the muffin-top syndrome. lol”

    I cannot handle this. LOL

  30. Rob Says:

    in addition (i can speak on this for days) perhaps the best class of booty out there is the booty you can grow into. this type of booty is only coveted by men who have gotten past the player phase in their life and is looking for a woman who will be around for an extended period of time (ie. marriage).

    I liken the booty to Kobie Bryant as a rookie. It’s talented, not yet filled out, has an amazing upside and potential and you know that one day soon, it will be MVP booty!

    Add a little of the prescribed methods of the aforementioned Cuzzo BBBTB campaign + some offdwall Cowgirl activity , 1 or two kids and a gym membership and. . . waala . . . you create MILF BOOTY!

    MILF booty has a job, raises your kids, keeps your home in order, motivates you to climb the corporate ladder at work, and gives consistent reminders of why you wifed her anyway!

    Aahhh . . . MILF BOOTY . . .so refreshing!

  31. Ms. Eighty's Baby Says:

    My butt just started getting bigger and my hips started spreading and I had no idea what was going on… I wasn’t even exercising nor was I participating in any bedroom aerobics….

    But finally I think I’ve figured it out. I gave up bread for Lent. And my hips and my butt were the main things that were affected. They decreased A LOT….To the point people kept asking me was I dieting and I’m like no I’m just not eating bread…. At least I now know where all that bread was going….. So I’m giving big ups to eating bread so I can get my booty back… LMAO

    But I am dying at Offey’s bracket references….. FUNNY!!!

  32. offdwall Says:

    Oh my bad Rob. I forgot to pay my dues last quarter so I guess I didn’t get that memo. lol

    Well, I shall go discpline myself for breaking man rules. Is punishment still giving up beer for a week and being forced to drink White Zinfadel instead? lol

  33. Rob Says:

    @offdwall: that would suffice. Or a weekend of asking for buttery nipple shots at the bar versus ordering patron.

  34. offdwall Says:

    Hmmm…. it depends on the bartender. If the bartender is a hottie, I’m asking for buttery nipples. If it’s a gay dude or some WNBA type, then White Zin.

  35. Rob Says:

    . . good point. and women think men have simple thoughts. they can’t comprehend how complex man law is.


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