Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Commenter Spotlight: Tim May 3, 2009

Filed under: Commenter Spotlight,Community Issues,Single Sisters On... — Sunny @ 10:00 pm


A while ago, Jaci posted a beautiful tribute to black women in her I Love Black Women- Yaya Edition  post. Very recently, the following comment was posted within that tribute by “Tim”:

If Black women are so strong, why are they No. 1 for out-of-wedlock births? HIV-AIDS? This country was built on their backs? I beg to differ – this country is going to hell because they spend too much time on their backs.

Why? And. don’t play the blame game when you answer.

What I don’t understand is how a tribute to black  women can inflame a person so much  to where they totally lose focus of the reason for the post.  When Jaci wrote the post, she was not downing any race- she simply wrote about her love for black women. 

I’ll have to admit, after I read this comment, initially I was pissed  and wanted to delete it, but in a country of free speech, Tim has the right to feel exactly what he wrote.  Here’s my response below.


Dear Tim,

I am very well aware that by your questions, you are attempting to put black women down.  I don’t think you sincerely want your questions answered but I will attempt them here.

First of all, your question regarding a black woman’s strength and out-of-wedlock births  and HIV-AIDS is completely irrelevant.  One topic has NOTHING to do with the other. 

But to answer your question, I researched and tried to find the answer to your question.  What I found was, whites have the highest rate of abortion.  Take a look here:  If black women started aborting more babies,  perhaps we’d have a lower number of ‘out-of-wedlock births.”   Is this the response that you are looking for?  I am not trying to point a finger here, but you asked a question and I am simply answering. 

As to why black women are ‘No. 1 for… HIV-AIDS,’ I do not know.  Maybe you should find a woman who has been infected and asked her how she contracted the disease.  As an entire nation, we should not be focused on why black women is infected more (in an attempt to point fingers), but instead on how we can prevent this. 

You asked us not to play the blame game in answering, but I believe that YOU should not play the blame game in asking.  Your questions are clearly blaming black women for the nation’s shortfalls. 

When Jaci stated that the country was built on a black woman’s back, she was speaking the truth.  Tell me, who picked the cotton and were the agricultural laborors of  the nation?  Who raised the white children?  Black women served as ‘mamies’ and maids as well as came home to raise their own families.

Single Sister Speak Out is a blog of love- of all races, sexes, etc.    Please remember this the next time you decide to grace us with your presence.  Sure, we all believe in freedom of speech, but there is no need to disrespect anyone.  This is not that kind of forum.

And please, do not refer to me as “brown sugar” again.


Nicki “Sunny” Sunshine



I cannot answer WHY anyone makes the decisions they make regardless of their race, if that is what the Why part of the question was referring to. If it is a fact that black women are the leaders in out-of-wedlock births and HIV/AIDS (which I believe the skewed stats are talking about NEW cases alone), we ARE and REMAIN so strong because we endure these setbacks and STILL live our lives and provide for our families. How about we look at suicide rates? I have no idea which race leads those categories but I would have to guess non-black.  What does that say about those people? They are NOT strong and DO NOT know how to endure or fight the good d@mn fight even while their name is being dragged through the dirt.

This comment was upsetting at first but now I find it rather comical. Why? It points back to my last statement. Even though our names, our race, our heritage, our strides, our struggles, our strengths continue to be dragged though the dirt and get poo poo’ed on…we still remain strong. I am a part of that group that has an out-of-wedlock birth. My child and I want for nothing and do not get taken care of by any government. I do what I have to do for us all the while getting side eyed and getting talked about. I doubt black women even knew what post-partum depression was until some white lady went and drowned all her kids in a bathtub.


17 Responses to “Commenter Spotlight: Tim”

  1. Jaci Says:

    I would like to note that Black women do have a high rate of HIV/AIDS, this is true.

    What is also true is a lot of these women contracted HIV from their husbands. Yes married women, women over the age of 55 in fact.

    The next time I suggest you check your facts before you make these blanket statements.

  2. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “HIV-AIDS? This country was built on their backs? I beg to differ – this country is going to hell because they spend too much time on their backs. ”

    I agree with Jackson…Black women don’t contract the disease at alarming rates from OTHER women. I think medical studies have also found that women are much less likely to give the disease to male partners…so…that leaves drug use and se!xual activity with male partners.

    i cant believe i wasted much time on such an ignorant assertion. The problem really is less about AIDS and why Tim hates women! I think that might be the better question than to go hide behind a dumbas!s assertion that he highlighted above with NO MEDICAL FACT…just his own internal frustration.

    So Tim the couch is free…!!!

  3. Suicide Rates, which support your conclusion Cuzzo:

  4. Satya Says:

    This is long everybody, but necessary.

    Re:black women being no. 1 at contracting HIV- according to statistics black women are number one at contracting HIV. However, Tim do you understand how those stats are compiled? The statistics are compiled from free clinics, planned parenthood, and various other initiatives provided by the government to prevent the spread of HIV and inform people of their status. Many black people in this country do not have health insurance and thus go to clinics to find out their status. Whites tend to have insurance and go to private doctors who do not inform the CDC and stat compiliers of the results. So, based on the information I just provided you it is reasonable to conclude: A)that other races have insurance and are able to hide their results. B)other races don’t get tested and are spreading the disease unknowingly.

    Secondly as for black women being number at having children out of wedlock, like Nicki said white women lead in abortions as well as adoption. So perhaps if blacks aborted their babies or gave them up for adoption then our numbers would decrease to that of white women.

    Third, your questions do not lead to your conclusion that this country is going to hell because of black women. This country is in disarray because of bad foreign policy, deregulation, a pre-emptive war, greed\bad economic policy, cuts to education to fund the pre-emptive war and an enormous budget for “defense”. So before you decide to make such a bold conclusion please do your homework and know your FACTS (a fact is something that can be proven with physical evidence ie: newspaper, news report, scholarly journal etc…)!

  5. Jada Says:

    Wow who shot Tim’s monkey? I get so tired of people blaming black folks, especially black women, for all of the ails of this country. As if we weren’t set up to fail from the beginning…and we’ve still overcome. Is our work done yet…absolutely not. But I’m so tired of ‘others’ acting like they do no wrong…your sense of entitlement disgusts me. How about in the future you look at the WHOLE picture Tim and not just the parts you want to zero in on. Just ughhh! :rolls eyes in Black woman fashion:

  6. Damon Says:

    @thecbg and @nicki:

    i read the letter to tim and was thinking the same thing: women don’t get HIV from other women. And I think we all know why it’s an epidemic in the black community, same as it is in Africa: we don’t protect ourselves like we should. I do think it’s OK to address the problems. But it’s clear that the commenter didn’t quite care enough to be tactful, especially considering the audience.

    That’s a no-no.

    Good reply Nikki.

  7. Thanks Damon.

    I really appreciate all of yaws responses to this.

  8. Peyso Says:

    i wanna respond, but I’m pretty sure that this “Tim” character isnt going to read it. So I just wanted to let ya know that I love my momma, my grandma, my nana, all my aunties, my beautiful lil brown girlfriend and I love all ya too. Despite all of your craziness and all the things “wrong” with you all, I still find your imperfections perfect. Yall accept me despite all of my shortcomings. And as I told my gf this weekend on her b’day, it is her and yall who are made in God’s image and I’m just trying to keep up.

  9. Britt Says:

    I like the way you guys responded to this. Nothing left to be said. India Arie put it best – You see, the truth it needs no proof. Either it is or it isn’t.

  10. Peyso: We love you too! 😉

    thanks Britt!

  11. Cuzzo Says:

    @Nick Nack

    “If black women started aborting more babies, perhaps we’d have a lower number of ‘out-of-wedlock births.”

    I was going to put the abortion rate thing in there but didn’t want to offend any people that have had abortions.

  12. “I was going to put the abortion rate thing in there but didn’t want to offend any people that have had abortions.”

    I see what you are saying Cuzzo. I didn’t mean any offense to any one though- just citing that that may be a result of out of wedlock births.

  13. Hugh Jazz Says:

    I believe that the question of illegitimate births and infectious disease has been answered to Mr. Timothy’s satisfaction, so I’ll be content in answering the question of how this country was built on the backs of black women.

    Black women were encouraged by slave owners to be promiscuous to breed slaves to build their personal wealth and provide the economic foundation for a nascent republic, and watch as their families be torn apart as they sold their children away. This was while being burdened with several physical, mental and psychological hardships, and they were able to keep their equanimity without having to resort to Prozac and other anti-depressants that white women frequently use today to deal with their trivial problems.

    Black women were forced to take care of the families of their “masters”, assuming all the domestic chores of the household for most of the daylight hours. At the end of the day, they retreated to their shanties to take care of their own families.

    Black women were forced to deal with the double subjugation of disinclusion due to their race and due to their gender. Even during the civil rights movements when blacks forced America to stand on the principle of natural law and govern by the standards of its Constitution, black women were ironically forced to take a second-class role in a movement that was to make them first-class citizens.

    Black women are treated as objects of prurient lust, coveted for their strong, voluptuous features in private while hated for these features in public, marginalized in favor of the light-skinned, blue-eyed, blond-haired model, all while these women waste millions in tanning and bronzing their skin, collagen injections, and breast and butt implants. Black women were raped with impunity in times past, treated as mere objects of sexual gratification for their masters, enduring the lechery of their masters and sent home to their husbands.

    Black women are tacitly encouraged by black men to maintain a servile role in the community, while receiving disdain for excelling in the workplace, business, and in the church. In an era where black women are increasing earning power and education, they are simultaneously vilified for “stepping off the pedestal” and assuming masculine roles. Many black women willing submit to this verson of soft sexism for the appeasement of men.

    Throughout this nation’s history, black women were the maids, the nannies, the cooks, the CEOs of the households of their families and several other families all while being discouraged to achieve independence and lusted after for their sexual prominence. So yes, you can say this country was built on the backs of black women, from our light-skinned lovelies, to our brown-skinned beauties, to our dark-skinned divas, holding it down for the men who may not reciprocate the unconditional love they freely give to us with a smile on their faces.

  14. Hugh: that response was amazing. I thank you for it.

  15. Shawnta` Says:

    Good response, Nicki. You’re good for even taking the time to research & respond. I do think that these discussions/conversations need to happen but there definitely needs to be an open mind. It seems as if Tim began this discussion with an inappropriate tone in his response which could have led to a response fueld by anger. When anger/indifference & intolerance is met with anger/indifference & intolerance, nothing is resolved. You did a great job responding while taking the higher road and avoiding the same finger pointing and disgust he used in his response. This is how resolutions or at least an understanding/appreciation for another’s opinion come about & that’s definitely a beginning if we’re going to have these discussions to dispel myths about the black community.

    I also think all of the commenters to this post have great arguments to rip Tim’s theories and conclusions to shreds.

  16. Jaci Says:

    This just brought me to utter tears.

    Thanks to everyone who responded.

    I cannot tell you how deeply offended I was to receive it, you’ve all made it so worthwhile.

  17. Thanks Shawnta’!

    I appreciate all of your responses. I just wanted to show Tim that we are not as ignorant as I think he feels like we are and all of you helped to showcase just that.

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