Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

The Demise of Compromise… May 8, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — Holly GoLightly @ 6:17 am

I’m still getting these emails from eHarmony and the articles are pretty good. Here’s an article from the email I received this week on the reasons you may have been dumped by your lover! This isn’t the full article, but the highlights! The whole article can be viewed by clicking here: eHarmony Advice.

Dumped! What Happened?

1) The 180

You had no clue. Everything was going so well (or so you thought!). Even the past weekend was spent in romantic bliss, and for the first time you felt as thought things were really going to work out. Then come Monday, you get the phone call that starts with a reluctant tone and somewhat hesitant, “Hey, got a few minutes?” that only ends with a welling of emotion and a box of Kleenex.

Most likely cause: Your partner likes you and enjoys your company, but got cold feet when the relationship started to feel committed and more serious. Usually this point is breached within three to six months from the start of the relationship. The notion of long-term relationship may be the furthest from this type of partner’s mind, and so when faced with the prospect of commitment, he or she must bow out of the relationship.

2) The Slow Burn

This relationship should have ended a long time ago, but has persisted into a slow and agonizing confirmation of one’s worst suspicions that the relationship is just not working out. In these situations, both partners have their own individual degrees of unhappiness, but the more dissatisfied person stays because it feels “easier” and “less messy” than having the courage to confront the truth and move on. There may have been recurrent communication problems that have never been resolved or are avoided if they do arise, and other potential mates outside the relationship are beginning to look like attractive alternatives.

Despite the relationship’s seriously degenerated quality, it never quite ends fully, leaving at least one partner in a hurtful no-man’s land of ambiguity, and this person responds typically by trying harder to win affections or by becoming passive-aggressive, sometimes to the extreme. Jealousies of outside parties are common, and often the relationship will dissolve only because of developed interests in other potential mates outside of the primary relationship.

Most likely cause: Not the right combination of compatibility and chemistry. Chemistry is the physical attraction component, and compatibility is composed of the personality traits and attributes that in the right combination can persevere through a lifetime. While there may be enough of both of these elements to maintain a relationship for even several years, eventually the attraction wanes, and there is not enough of these core traits to survive life changes and challenges that arise as people move through life. The same goes for a relationship founded on compatibility but lacks physical chemistry. The relationship can be rewarding for a relatively long time because both partners get along together so well, but there will always feel like there is something missing in the chemistry department. Because there are lacks in the relationship, one or both partners may begin taking on outside interests in secret, even if beginning only in his or her mind as fantasies. As the relationship wears on, though, many times one partner will stray, causing the breakup. These are tricky situations because there has been so much time invested in the relationship; even though “hanging on” in a relationship is still a relationship, it is not a healthy one.

3) The Distant Echo

Just as the details of good event fade into generalized warm memories, so does the relationship that fades out into the distant echo of a solitary person left completely alone asking himself or herself why phone calls, e-mails and voicemails go unreturned. Is there an echo in here? Surely when the phone stops ringing and days of silence turn into weeks, the end of a relationship is on the horizon.

Most likely cause: There are numerous possible causes that come in to play with a distant-echo breakup. Sometimes the relationship is a casual one that never got serious enough to warrant the “relationship label.” Other times the relationship may have started out intensely, but now has suddenly come to a crashing halt. (See also: Sizzle and Fizzle, below.)

Whichever the case may me, the relationship has already ended for the disinterested partner—they just haven’t told you yet. When it comes to love, communication skills are learned over time through the trials and tribulations of dating and relationships. However, some people are still climbing up the learning curve when it comes to expressing their honest feelings, especially when it is suspected that a partner will be disappointed and maybe even a little bit angry. When interest in pursuing the relationship further plummets, these guys and gals let time be their distance and silence their way of coping with the uncomfortable idea of delivering bad news.

When the phone stops ringing and the e-mails and voicemails go unreturned, there is, in fact, something going on. Someone blessed with more maturity would, of course, confront the situation head on, but the anti-confrontational sort can’t even handle his or her own “I’m a bad guy” feelings, let alone your hurt feelings, and so the silent front moves in.

4) Sizzle and Fizzle

How could something that felt so right now suddenly feel so wrong, sometimes to the point of, “What was I thinking?” Not just for the urban chic, a la Sex and the City, the 3-month (or 3 week!) relationship that glides in to a breakup is a common occurrence, especially in younger age groups, and frequently, these types of experiences can be painful because one person’s feelings are stronger and clearly wants it to work.

Most likely cause: Simply put, chemistry without compatibility, combined with too fast, too soon, is usually the culprit. When physical attraction trumps common sense, and all things physical progress too quickly, the frequent fallout is an ending almost as quickly as the union began, much to the chagrin of one partner.

5) Demotion to “Friends with Privileges”

You’re a modern woman or man capable of being number 2 or 3 in line, right? And that’s exactly what this type of partner impresses upon you when they move on to find the person perfect for them (hint: You’re not it). Variations include “Come one, we’re both mature adults,” and “I really enjoy your company, so I see no reason to stop seeing one another because I’m not ready to settle down,” and “I don’t understand why you’re upset. I’ve been completely honest with you from the beginning.” What these statements really mean is “We’ve broken up, but now I don’t have to be guilty about your feelings, plus I get the best of the relationship that I valued.”

Most likely cause: A selfish partner who has decided that you’re not the “One,” but doesn’t mind stringing you along for the enjoyable benefits (for he or she, not you) that come with a half-relationship because they never have to give them up. Plus, they never have to fully break your heart, just appease you with the occasional gift or something sweet uttered to keep you in his or her good graces.

6) Walk Down Memory Lane

You stopped dating months or maybe even years ago, but every now and then the phone will ring, a great conversation will be experienced, and part of the magic you once shared will reunite. The phone is hung up and you find yourself wondering if it could still work out and maybe even fantasizing that it could. Then over the course of the next few days, you contact that person and get the cold shoulder. What gives?

Most likely caused by: A lonely moment of solitude for your ex who finds himself or herself dialing up old memories on the phone one evening. Here’s a reality check: Nine times out of ten, he or she is still not available to you. What you’re experiencing is nostalgia and the qualities that attracted you to him or her in the first place. Should you still persist and venture down that path, don’t be surprised if the enjoyment of nostalgia is soon overtaken by more realistic remembrances of exactly why he or she repels you, and why it never worked out the first time.

So now for the golden question of the day: Have you ever experienced any of this six reasons for the demise of your relationship?

10 Responses to “The Demise of Compromise…”

  1. In my f**kerships, I have experienced numbers 1, 3, 5, and 6, but since I was never in true relationships with them in the first place, did they really owe me anything?

  2. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “2) The Slow Burn

    This relationship should have ended a long time ago, but has persisted into a slow and agonizing confirmation of one’s worst suspicions that the relationship is just not working out. In these

    The slow burn…yep yep..Women hang on too long after its clear you’re not a good match. That used to be me.Im not claiming that nonesense anymore. LOL.

  3. @ Nick- LOL @ the f**kerships! And I do believe that when it’s not a “true” relationship the other person doesnt owe you anything at all….

    @CBG- I think men hang on a lot too! I think that ppl hang on so they won’t be alone.

  4. Britt Says:

    I’m a slow burner. I will work with you until there is nothing left to work with, lol.

  5. Britt I am too! I kinda wanna feel like I gave it my all! I dont wanna give up too soon.

  6. peyso Says:

    Is it possible for a relationship to have em all some how? thats how my last jawn was

  7. Shawnta` Says:

    A relationship I was in prior to dating my now husband was a perfect example of The Slow Burn.

  8. “@ Nick- LOL @ the f**kerships! And I do believe that when it’s not a “true” relationship the other person doesnt owe you anything at all…”

    @Hol: I call them that bc when it’s boils down, that’s exactly what it was. Although I wanted a realtionship, I was basically just f**kin bc they didn’t want more.

    @Peyso: I believe u can have all.

  9. @Peyso- I agree with Nick! This word Jawn really makes me giggle!!

    @Shawnta- Hey you had to kiss the frog to get the prince!!

    @Nick- Handclaps and I agree with you!!!

  10. Shawnta` Says:

    @Holly GoLightly: So very true. 🙂

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