Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Distant Lover….(I’ll Always Come Back To You) May 18, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — FlawedBeauty @ 10:00 pm
Damnit!

Damnit!

Well we’ve talked about the Choosey Lover and the Computer Love, but what about the Distant Love?  In this age of ‘weisure’, online dating and social networking sites it isn’t altogether impossible to imagine being in love with Aidan from France or Charlie from Charlotte (I live in neither place).

In fact, perhaps the long distance partnership is better than the one where you can see your partner everyday.  Jac…why would you say that you might ask?  Well there are a few simple reasons.

1. You can still “do you”. This is a very important factor.  Not everyone is going to be all out at the club doing them BUT they could be more active at work trying to collect those dollars or perhaps your sweetie is out there trying to see the world and help people.  Either way, you don’t feel stiffed with one call and some text per day because hey, you’ve got your own thing going anyway.

2. There’s not the threat of giving away all the benefits immediately. This weekend one of my girls excitedly told me that she’d met a man on eHarmony.  Apparently he’s celibate and that’s cool with me (cause it’s cool with her), but I digress…anyways…since she’s one place and he’s another she doesn’t have to worry about having the goodies clouding the judgment-he can learn her for her and vice versa.

3. Multi-tasking made easier. This is pretty self-explanatory.  It gives you more to do than twiddle your thumbs waiting on Joey to call…especially if you can call Timothy.  This brings me to my family pro!

4. TRAVELLING! You can always go visit…and who doesn’t want that.

Now there are some cons to it…and I might have to go into those in the comments later…but how do you feel about long distance relationships? Can you make them work or have you sworn them off?  For those who are in them (Palin wink wk cite V) how’s that working out for you?

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42 Responses to “Distant Lover….(I’ll Always Come Back To You)”

  1. Bamer15 Says:

    Good topic Jac, I swear sometimes this blog is talking about me and the issues I face daily.

    With that being said, I currently live in Switzerland and am originally from the Midwest. I have been over here for a couple years now, and a long story short, I am not a fan of the Swiss women… If that’s because they are some narrowed minded people at times (normal swiss mindset) or that the women here want you to “buy the car, before you test drive it.” Either way I find myself without a companion here and it gets a bit lonely.

    I tried the long distance relationship a few times now and it is great and I completely nodded my head when I was reading your 4 points Jac, but they got tiresome after awhile and lost their ‘X’ factor after awhile. (maybe it was because sending pictures back and forth wasn’t doing it anymore.. haha)

    To be honest, I think there is times where I like ’em and I hate ’em. But at the end of the day I would rather have ‘her’ here in my arms…

  2. Dr. J Says:

    I did long distance one time. My boys all said my relationship wasn’t real until I was in the same place with my girl. When she finally moved to DC, we broke up like a few months later. Long distance worked because it wasn’t so overwhelming and the pressure wasn’t as great. Really didn’t have to address a lot of issues that I needed to address a long time before.

    Long distance can work, but there should be no really hard body expectations. Keep it casual.

  3. I’m in a long distance relationship now, me and my man being about a five hour drive away, and things are working out perfectly. If we could have it another way, of course we’d love to be in the same area code… but until he finishes grad school and I graduate, this is what works (otherwise I doubt I’d get any work done. lol)

    I believe what makes our situation work is plenty of communication and trust. We’re always talking, be it text, chat or the phone. We also visit pretty often, he’s really been taking the brunt of that.

    This is not my first time trying long distance but this time is more successful. What was lacking in my last situation was trust… I never had any proof, but something about him just wasn’t right. With my current man, there is something about him that makes me know that I’m the only one and it’s really comforting.

    Like I said earlier, we plan on closing that gap later, so it’s going to take some compromise. I think you must have two people willing to do that.

  4. why so awesomeness number 1# rule of relationships:

    No. Long. Distance. Relationships.

    I’ve tried, and it just doesn’t work. A girl I was dating moved back to France, and she was tripping something HARD….getting depressed and whatnot.

    I think you can have “friends” in other states, but not necessarily a serious type thing. Keep it fun, light, maybe something will come of it.

    at least in my experience

  5. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “n love with Aidan from France or Charlie from Charlotte (I live in neither place).”

    i beg to differ..there are long distance relationships and then there are cop-outs. Im sorry. If you find yourself FREQUENTLY falling in love with men in France there is a problem…as well as someone who lives more than a few hour drive away.

    if you can’t reasonably get in a car in the morning and be there while the sun is still shinning in the afternoon…then you are also in something that’s equally pixie.

    there are exceptions..but if you’re on an online DATING site..(i have my own opinions about social networking sites and blogs)…why in the hel! would you deliberately seek someone out who lives VERY far away…like i really don’t get that.

  6. peyso Says:

    Long distance relationships suck for one reason. It makes arguments 1000 times worse. Sometimes the only way to resolve a meeting is to just sit down face to face and hash out your problems. However, when you’re across seas from each other, there is almost no way to do that

  7. You guys are talking about across seas and in different countries, not all long distance relationships are that far apart.

  8. MDUBB Says:

    My whole life seems like it’s been one long distance relationship with various ladies with a couple jump offs sprinkled in between. It seems the only ladies I’ve grown to really love, I’ve had to leave. Then it gets weird and hard and complicated, and who want’s that?

    Not me, not them.

    I’m just trying to have friends these days. Not friends with benefits, just female friends who I can talk to, far or near. I’ve never had that.

  9. J Money Says:

    I am all for long distance relationships. I feel there are two type of people here. Those who “Can” and those who “CAN’T”. I don’t believe there is an in-between here.

    I think first of all the person has to be real with themselves. You know yourself better than anyone. If you have trust issues and reservations to begin with, then don’t do it. It will just be a waste of time. You have to be open to it to start and believe it can work.

    Secondly someone has to be willing to travel. When I first explorered long distance I said 8 hours away drive or less. That has since decreased to 6 hrs. I travel majority of the time to see my girl but that is because I have no problem driving or traveling. If neither party has no time or is not willing to travel then it won’t work.

    Thirdly if you are going to try then communication is the key. There needs to be a strong communication between the two parties. If you work all the time, have a ton of extra curricular activities and by the time your home its sleep time and they are in another time zone, then chances are communication will be hard. I text my girl, we chat on yahoo while at work, I talk to her on the phone while I am at work after she gets off. But we both have the freedonm at our jobs to that.

    Which leads me to my fourth point and that is establishing a ground rules and a foundation. You need to discuss how seeing each other would work, how communication will be, when will we potentially be together in the same city and all that. You have to know what each other is willing to do make it work versus just letting nature take its course. Then coming back like well I thought you were gonna do this and be mad when they didn’t do it. Yeah it is a lot of leg work but if you really like this person it has to be done because this not a typical relationship.

  10. I agree with all of your points J. Thank you. 😉

  11. Jaci Says:

    @Bamer

    To be honest, I think there is times where I like ‘em and I hate ‘em. But at the end of the day I would rather have ‘her’ here in my arms…

    I can understand exactly what you’re saying here. I had this problem when I was doing the LDR thing about 05-06. I was having a rough time with school and work and he was doing his best to comfort me. In the end, it just couldn’t work. I think for a man (correct me if I’m wrong) you all have a deep need to be able to hold and comfort that special lady and there’s nothing wrong with that.

    @Dr. J

    Keep it casual.

    What if you start to really, really care about this person? How would you move forward?

    @Whyso

    See Dr. J’s question

    I think it is interesting that the two of you say the same thing. I think you’re both great guys and what if you meet the woman of your dreams while on vacation in Miami (that’s the dream blogcation right there)

    @CBG

    I don’t think that I have every deliberately sought men that are so far away. Once I talked to a man from Germany but I don’t think I would ever, EVER want anyone that far away again. Furthermore, I think if I met someone that was just a little far (no more than 6 hours) I think I could accept it.

    My question then is how long does it take before you decide to make moves to close the gap?

    Long distance relationships suck for one reason. It makes arguments 1000 times worse

    And you, my friend, deserve a gold star. This is definitely one of the cons of LDRs …how can you reasonably tell a person anything when you can’t see their face and the emotions they are trying to express.

    @MDUBB

    I’m just trying to have friends these days. Not friends with benefits, just female friends who I can talk to, far or near. I’ve never had that.

    Well…you’re on a site called Single Sisters….(and yet not one of us is truly untied…just not married :)) So feel free…to make a friend!

  12. Jaci Says:

    @Nicki and J-

    Do not be on here doing all this agreeing and ish. I will have to slap you on here talking like that. Just kidding lol…

    @J

    Good points brother and welcome to SSSO…I don’t know if I saw anyone formally do that…

    Antyways, you brought up some amazing points. And I think it is the mark of a good man to be like look this is what I’m willing to do…you know lay out your feelings totally on the table in an LDR…how else do you let your lady know how you really feel. That said, I think that’s where honest communication and trust come from.

  13. J Money Says:

    @JAC – My question then is how long does it take before you decide to make moves to close the gap?

    That is dependent on the couple. You have to analyze your careers, goals and where yall are headed. Is school involved for one of you or both? Who has the career that makes it more easy for them to relocate? If your a Doctor and he is a Biomedical Engineer, then it would be easier for you because there are hospitals and private practices everywhere. It may be harder for him to make a move and give up his job especially if he is already up the ladder career wise.

  14. Comeback Girl Says:

    “My question then is how long does it take before you decide to make moves to close the gap?”

    Thats a really hard question. And again to me there are a couple of hours away and then there are “i get on a plane” far…the latter in my opinion is often pixie..why? because you can’t establish a true connection that is not built on this “love conquers all” United plane ride. its fantastic and movie like.

    There is something very enchanting about building a phone relationship and connection. But you don’t really know someone until you are consistantly in their personal space.

    just my 1 cents.

  15. Shawnta` Says:

    I have only been in one long distance relationship and honestly, I’m not even sure if it counts as a long distance relationship. First, the distance wasn’t all that long. He was in Columbus, Ohio & I was in Dayton, Ohio…62 miles each way, so an hour to an hour & 15 minutes tops. Second, we were both in college (& then I was in law school) and busy but would see each other practically every weekend and sometimes even on weeknights since the distance wasn’t great. Third, we talked on the phone all the time…I preferred this to email & IM(which was just starting to get big) but we did email & IM as well. We were in a long distance relationship for 7 years before getting engaged and then married and have now been married for almost 6 years.

    Upsides to long distance relationships:
    – It forced more conversation. Since we weren’t together all the time we were forced to really focus on each other through conversation. We learned a lot about ourselves and each other through these never ending conversations.
    – We wrote letters back & forth…another great way to express yourself and get to know and learn more about someone.
    – You appreciate and value all of the time you do have together. You don’t take spending time together for granted.
    – It can strengthen or weaken a relationship…depends on the 2 people involved.

    Downsides to long distance relationships:
    – Phone bills…when I was in college, cell phones weren’t as popular and land lines didn’t have unlimited long distance packages like they do now.
    – It can get costly. For us, money was put in the gas tank or spent on Greyhound bus tickets.
    – The other person doesn’t get to learn about you from your friends and family…I think there’s something to be said about being able to observe a significant other in all settings, environments…like how he interacts with his friends, how he interacts with other women – is he a natural flirt, a player, so on and so on.
    – You only get to see the good side of him…when my husband (well, my husband now, when we were long distance we were bf & gf) would come to visit we were both happy, upbeat and positive. Although we would share our stress, concerns and worry about the day to day life over the phone and in letters, there is nothing like actually seeing how someone handles frustration or stress after a long day’s work, being pissed off at a friend that he just got into it with or vice versa.
    – It can strengthen or weaken a relationship…depends on the 2 people involved.
    – If a person already has trust or insecurity issues, long distance relationships do nothing to help ease these issues.

  16. Comeback Girl Says:

    so to me the question is moot…really without that connection that the space really masks. Alot of people move closer to have to start all over..because they realized that what they built over the phone wasn’t the same connection.

  17. Comeback Girl Says:

    “You only get to see the good side of him…when my husband (well, my husband now, when we were long distance we were bf & gf) would come to visit we were both happy, upbeat and positive. Although we would share our stress, concerns and worry about the day to day life over the phone and in letters, there is nothing like actually seeing how someone handles frustration or stress after a long day’s work, being pissed off at a friend that he just got into it with or vice versa.

    re: Shawnta’s comment..this is what Im talking about the space pixie..to me its the BIGGEST hurdle to overcome.

  18. “My question then is how long does it take before you decide to make moves to close the gap”

    I think it depends on the couple.. and the circumstance.

    “Do not be on here doing all this agreeing and ish. I will have to slap you on here talking like that. Just kidding lol…”

    shhhhh, Jac. lol

    Again, I agree with J on that.

    “But you don’t really know someone until you are consistantly in their personal space.”

    And then you still may not really know them. You can be married to a liar and you’ve lived with him every day of your life.

  19. Bamer15 Says:

    @ Whysoawesome: I love your blunt post. haha.. 😀 Made me laugh… But I see your side, it either works or it doesn’t for some people. And what I think doesn’t work for you, and for me for that matter is what Jaci said….

    @ Jaci: You are spot in for me, I WANT to hold and comfort my special lady, and if you take that away from me it sucks.. I like cute dates and I can be a romantic, …. and well…. when you are 7,000 miles away that cute date is not going to work…

  20. Bamer15 Says:

    @ comebackgirl: I liked your 1 cent.. 😉

  21. Britt Says:

    Great post. I was in a long-distance relationship (different parts of the state) for several years and it’s not my preference. All of the things that you mentioned are definitely pros, but sometimes you just want to reach out and touch (in keeping with the oldies but goodies theme). I wouldn’t rule it out at this point, but someone in town is definitely my preference.

  22. “re: Shawnta’s comment..this is what Im talking about the space pixie..to me its the BIGGEST hurdle to overcome.”

    And as in any relationship, there are hurdles that can be overcome. That doesn’t mean it can’t work or that you should veto it immediately.

    Me and my man are in honeymoon bliss everytime we talk or see eachother, so I don’t know how we’d hash out if we ever had an argument. Then again, we are two calm people, PERIOD, so I’d like to think we’d deal with it the same way we deal with life.

    You have to know yourself and who you are dealing with. If you are choosing the wrong person whether long distance or in the same area code, it’s not going to work.

  23. J Money Says:

    @Comeback Girl – I see you keep refering to this “space pixie”. I think the frequency in which you see each other and communication eliminates that. I don’t see how you can talk to someone all the time, see them frequently and still not have a connection. You know if you have a connection with someone or not after a couple of meetings. People live together in the same city, date, and get married. And these same people will be like they still don’t know or understand their husband or wife. So what is the difference between them and the LDR other than they can call the person and they come right over?

  24. Jaci Says:

    @Shawnta-Fab post chica…and I think you’re right like CBG said also the pixie effect is there. What do you do when the chips are done and you gotta look that person in the face? It’s a tough thing…

    @Bamer-I’m right there with you…I feel the same way…like can you please just hold me? He used to say imagine me…what? I’m not Kirk Franklin.

    @Nick, J et al-I am not sure what the time would be for me either…at least six months of seeing each other on the regular before I’m like let me go move to Timbuktu (not really) to be with Tim.

    I’m seeing some great comments in here today…this is good dialogue and honestly I am seeing that the LDR thing CAN work

  25. J Money Says:

    @Peyso – Arguing is something that happens all the time. I think it don’t matter whether it is long distance or not. Some people don’t wanna see no one when they mad or whatever. It really depends on how the people handle those types of situations. Are the people argumentative to begin with and that goes with knowing the person. Some people have to be able to see their mate, argument or not and if thats the case a LDR is not for them.

  26. Comeback Girl Says:

    “I see you keep refering to this “space pixie”.”

    I don’t think I’ve ever referred to “space pixie” explicitly other than what i wrote above. I do believe there are many forms of relationship “pixie” and enchantment..and i happened to believe that people who find themeseleves REPEATEDLY involved in these relationships are cop-in’ out of “real live relationships”.

    With anything there are exceptions..but i can’t help to think the enchantment that distance creates. And very rarely is it “real/”

    that is not to say that LDR can’t work. I make most distinctions with the AMOUNT OF TRAVEL..i personally think there is a better chance when there is less distance..to when someone is across country.

    Again, there are people who gravitate to LDRs…those are the people who are enamored with “ideal” love and its potential.

  27. @Jaci: I agree that you should know the person before you just up and move. It will be a big transition but for me, it will be well worth it and I cannot wait!

  28. peyso Says:

    @ J Money – I hear you but there are some arguements that only make up chex can solve….

  29. J Money Says:

    @Jaci – Don’t give yourself a timeline because that will just add pressure to the situation. You can only go with a definite timeline when you know exactly how it will play out. Like I know I will be finished with grad school in a year. I know I wanna be with my girl in a year so I say a year but I am not totally sure. Plus I do not know what city I will be in after school. But I know I want her with me regardless, so I will make it happen and I tell her that is my plan.

  30. “Again, there are people who gravitate to LDRs…those are the people who are enamored with “ideal” love and its potential”

    In my situation, I wasn’t enamoured with love.

    I simply got sick of the men in my city and came across the picture of a handsome man in another state (on a dating site) so I chatted him up. I wasn’t expecting anything but I was interested bc I’ve been to his city and I have family there.

    What he had just grew out of an unexpected situation. I don’t think you necessarily go out looking for someone in another city to make a relationship with.

  31. J Money Says:

    @Peyso – I can dig it!! There is nothing like it!!

  32. Peyso: LMAO. Such a freak. What arguments would those be (I am taking notes)?

  33. Jaci Says:

    *taps foot*

    Peyso, we are all waiting dear.

  34. Shawnta` Says:

    @cbg: I agree about the enchantment/honeymoon phase and the people that only want to stay in a relationship for as long as that phase lasts. When reality sets in and our quirks and nuances dictate how both people handle the same situation, a lot of people are out the door. Some people are in love with being in love…in love with the good times.

    @Jaci: As far as when you know it’s time to close the distance gap…1) some people close it for the sake of the relationship thinking that unless something changes as far as the distance, they want out, 2) some people close the gap at the risk of it not working out once the gap is closed. This is a chance that is taken in any relationship; there is no guarantee that it will work or things will be better once you’re both in the same place. I agree with the person who commented and said that people who meet, date, live and marry in the same city & state can end up in divorce. It’s a chance that both people have to consider whether it’s worth taking especially if one person doesn’t want to relocate but feels like they have to to make things work. There’s nothing like feeling like you’re the only one making changes and sacrifices for a relationship and 3) some people close the gap naturally – they’re ready for a change of venue, ready to marry or their career is transferred there by an act of divine intervention. For us, my husband knew that I wasn’t moving until I was finished with school and that I wasn’t living with him before we were married. So, it sort of worked out naturally…I was ready to leave Dayton, wanted a new start in a new place, had just graduated school and got married after being engaged for a little over a year.

  35. peyso Says:

    Lol, I dont have specific information available, I’m sure you know what arguments need to make up chex to be resolved

  36. Shawnta` Says:

    @peyso: I agree; LDR make arguments worse. It’s easy to hang up a phone or ignore a phone call and let it roll to voice mail without addressing the issues that caused the argument. On the other hand, a bit of distance can give you clarity and perspective on the argument. It won’t allow for premature make-up or rushed apologies just for the sake of moving on…now is a LDR the only way to have space to think an argument through? No, this can definitely be done with both people in the same city. Some arguments are meant to be addressed immediately and some arguments require a cool down period of some sort.

    Sidebar: I just remembered something else that sucks in LDRs (at least it did for me)…when all week you are looking forward to seeing him and then for some reason he can’t make it – be it he was called in to work at the last minute, money is funny, car problems, delayed/cancelled flights (this didn’t happen to us since we were only an hour away from each other), etc. As understanding as I think I am, this was hard to deal with sometimes. There’s nothing like being excited, looking forward to it, making plans only to have everything go awry.

  37. J Money Says:

    @CBG – I feel you on those people who only seek long distance relationships. But I personally feel those people have another agenda in mind as well. Those situations are real and involve peoples feelings. You can get hurt just as bad in an LDR as you can in an LR (Local Relationship). For me I opened myself up because I was limiting myself to my area. And there are great people beyond my city limits.

  38. Comeback Girl Says:

    “Some people are in love with being in love…in love with the good times.”

    @ Shawnta..EXACTLY..REAL Lasting love is ..is what remains after all the pixie dust settles.

  39. Lovely Paradox Says:

    A relationship is as successful as the people who are in it. It really is that simple. It’s not the distance that creates the problems (if there are), it’s the people.

    There is a saying that goes something like this: “Distance is to love what wind is to fire; it makes the strong one grow stronger and the weak one die out”.

    Distance has problems like proximity has problems. And like J Money said, you have to know who you are before you engage into anything. Different types of personalities respond to different things.

    Some long distance relationships will work, some will fail. Just like some same neighborhood relationships will work and some will fail. Such is life really.

  40. I agree, Lovely. 🙂

  41. true2me Says:

    good post

    but I need my attention and to be able to touch my boo

    lol

    now if you married, then you more obligated to keep faithful and wait and all that jazz..but if you aren’t then…that spit gon hit the fan

  42. Junior Says:

    Long distance relationships are hard.

    THE END!


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