Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

You Have The Right To Remain Silent May 19, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — cuzzo @ 11:13 pm

Arguments – many of us hate to have them with our significant others while others provoke them. And, I’m not talking about discussions where you simply don’t agree, potato/potahto type stuff. I’m talking about someone is pissed the hell off and might go off the deep end at any moment.

I know with my temperament, I NEED to take a moment to think before I say something I will regret. In some cases I may need to take a few days and gather my thoughts. By taking more than 24 hours, you may run the risk of not remembering what you were mad about or the other person may not remember what it is that they did to make you upset (which in turn may lead to further upset because it’s soooo important to you, yet they are clueless).

If you upset your SO and they don’t want to talk about it when you do…give them that…let them take their time and don’t push the issue. This logic is based on my temper of course. For example, you shouldn’t tell me how I should or should not feel…act or should not act – that pisses me off.

What’s your argument style in regards to your significant other? DO you buy into the not going to bed angry (if you’re going to bed with the person that night)? DO you take time? DO you not say anything at all then just blow up one day out the blue?

Aside from what you actually do…what’s the most ideal…the most healthy for the relationship?

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27 Responses to “You Have The Right To Remain Silent”

  1. J Money Says:

    I think arguments are more dangerous the longer you know someone because you know exactly what to say or do to push that persons buttons. Which is cause for a greater restraint.

    I used to be the type that never said anything in an argument and always just wanted the conversation to be over. But I found out quickly that holding in all those things I wanted to say always led to a bigger blow up later when my buttons were really pushed. So then I changed and the next person I was with was exactly how I used to be. So it created quite a conflict. Because I wanted to talk it out and she wanted to get it over with…the (Yeah Yeah attitude) or (It Is What It Is).

    So I am a talk it out person and try not to go to sleep mad if at all possible but sometimes you need that overnight thought process too.

  2. I tend to let things build up, so I’m silent for a long time…. and then the smallest thing will cause me to blow up.

    I know it’s not healthy and I’m working on improving this and saying what has upset me in that moment instead of letting it pressure cook.

    I think it’s important to get the problem out in the open bc if you keep it in or vent to friends, a little problem can grow into a volcano.

  3. Damon Says:

    The first thing Paul says in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 13 about love is that it suffereth long … and it gets to where he says it’s slow to anger ….

    Well, I’ve always took that to mean “be still” in moments of tragedy, and to be slow to rebuke.

    I think there are moments where you can say what’s on your mind because it’s not a big deal. But you have to pick and choose your battles. You can’t be a nag because your SO won’t listen to you.

    But you also have to know how to formulate your bigger arguments, and know that you’re likely right before you open your mouth. Yet also be open to the different views that could come your way from your SO … because most people are stubborn.

    By being open, I also mean knowing when to just end the argument and allowing that person time to marinate on what you just put on them. Over-talking/chiding is overkill.

  4. Dr. J Says:

    I try and tell myself all the time that just because I wouldn’t do it that way doesn’t make it wrong. So it keeps me from getting upset. However, if I see a pattern of things done that I think are wrong, that end up having awful consequences I will speak up. With that said, even when I do speak up, i’ve usually already calculated a response and am not up for much argument as i’m already set in the belief that i’m right. So I guess my argument style is to internally think about both sides, come up with what I think is the best solution or thing to say, lay it on the table and then walk away. I just don’t think anyone can change a mind after it’s been made up.

  5. why so’s personal guide to arguing: Don’t argue. Ever.

    Arguing = Personal. Attacks on the person, and not the issue. And at the end of the day nothing gets solved. If you want a person to yell at just to yell at them, let me know, so i can properly tune out.

    We can have “heated debates” – we have an issue we’re talking about, and we’re passionately stating our case while at the same time understanding each other’s viewpoint. One can understand without agreeing, and if you don’t agree at least
    you can see where that person’s coming from….you get to know that person a bit more.

    chea!

  6. Comeback Girl Says:

    I don’t know in my 20s. I ALWAYS had to have the last word. ALWAYS. And I always had to MAKE people see everything my way. Now, I really don’t care about changing anyone’s mind. I think I said this on the post last week…relationships ARE relationships. Thats been the hardest lesson really for me to learn. Once you really master the GENERAL art of getting along and communicating,your boo/gentlemen callers/friend boys are a snap.

    I wonder why thats been so hard for people to understand…if its hard for you to master the basics of compromise, kindness, verbal restraint and patience with non-romantic people in your inner circle…how does one expect to have great boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse relationships.

    thats becoming a no brainer for me.

  7. Shawnta` Says:

    @Whyso: Your “heated debates” remind me of what my couples’ Sunday School class calls “heated fellowships”…funny.

    I’ll post more in a bit.

  8. Jaci Says:

    I really had to think about this. My fighting style is definitely a little different than most people I think…for starters when I find myself in an argument I have to finish it-I cannot stand leaving it alone…furthermore I think there’s little left for me to say because Damon said it all.

    Love is long suffering and slow to anger…so to me you realize you really love someone when you can take a second and breathe before attacking the other person.

  9. cuzzo Says:

    GM folks. I won’t be commenting much this morning…maybe when I get back. Anywho,

    @JMoney
    “Because I wanted to talk it out and she wanted to get it over with…the (Yeah Yeah attitude) or (It Is What It Is). ”

    I don’t like that ish! Sometimes it ain’t what it is and your feelings need to be acknowledged.

    @Nicki
    I’ve been the opposite. When I say what I feel right then and there (without thought to the delivery) I end up apologin right after.

    @Br. Damon
    “The first thing Paul says in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 13 about love is that it suffereth long … and it gets to where he says it’s slow to anger ….”

    Thanks for the word of the day. Like the mother and her crackhead son…how many times can you get mad that he stole something?

    @Dr. J
    “I try and tell myself all the time that just because I wouldn’t do it that way doesn’t make it wrong”

    That’s a good outtake to have. Makes me think of why I was mad at my fiancee the other day. He didn’t do anything “wrong” and I took a few days to gather my thoughts (and talk to other people about it, lol – not the uh-uh-oh-no-he-didn’t-that-wouldn’t-be-me-types but my level headed friend and sisters) and presented him with the underlying reason to my upset. We talked about it and fin.

    When I first presented him with the upset when I was actually upset he proceeded with the, you shouldn’t feel like that (I shouldn’t feel like what?!?) and I felt something brewing so I just had to nip it and say, I’ll talk to you Monday, have a nice weekend (this was friday).

    @WhySo
    you always tryna give a different name to the same thing. work = effort , heated debate = argument. I could not converse with you cause you always on some devil’s advocate and I am too. we’d be too busy tryna disprove each other to get the point.

    @CBG
    “verbal restraint”
    I’m not sure what you mean by this. Not say anything when something is bothering you? It seems to be the consensus that this does not work and you will blow up at some point. You can argue/debate/discuss without someone being cussed out.

  10. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “@CBG
    “verbal restraint”
    I’m not sure what you mean by this. Not say anything when something is bothering you? It seems to be the consensus that this does not work and you will blow up at some point. You can argue/debate/discuss without someone being cussed out.”

    In my hayday..i coulda made a Nazi cry..maybe retraint is harsh. like you’re going to jail. I just mean, that everything that you are compelled to say doesn’t always need to be said and in that moment.

    And sometimes fights have deeper meanings..like its not about toothpaste or him not calling when he said he would..sometimes there something ELSE thats going on with you, him or both. Before I say something or even engage in an arguement i try and look for “the something” else.

  11. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “The first thing Paul says in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 13 about love is that it suffereth long … and it gets to where he says it’s slow to anger ….


    @ D..i don’t mean to disagree with the Lord..or Paul’s interpretation..but i have an issue with LONG SUFFERING.

  12. peyso Says:

    I think people should have the right to not speak about it right then and there. I actually think its healthy to take at the very least a few minutes to develop your thoughts and calm yourself so that you can communicate your feelings effectively. My SO is really good at this. When she’s angry, she just tells me that she cant talk about this right now and that she needs a little bit of time. I can respect that. What bothers me is when people just stop speaking and take the time for themselves, giving the impression that the situation is squashed and then bring it up later.

    Arguments, heated discussion, debates, whatever, they happen and at times they are good for relationships. At least, there are things that both of you feel passionately about and you care enough that the other person sees your POV. However, there are things that should not be argued about.

  13. K-EVEN Says:

    I like the idea of taking time to myself to let things marinate in my mind. Personally, I can not stand being blind-sided and expected to have a response to a disagreement.

    Lets peel back the layers of the problem to come to a resolution/conclusion. 9 times out of 10 I did something to make her feel a certain way, however the reasons for my actions were based off of me reacting to you.

    Perception, perception, perception… just tell me the page number in your brain you want me to read so i can get on board…

    its funny looking back on the situation, but at the time life was hell

    All in all i believe an individuals perception and maturity play a significant part in the communication game.

  14. Welcome to the blog K-Even.

  15. K-EVEN Says:

    Thnx.. found this on accident, i’m working.. really i am… LOL..

  16. true2me Says:

    I think when you say something out of anger, There is some truth to it..and thats sort of how you really feel..sort of like the drunk tongue sober mind thing

    I dont say hurtful stuff when I’m angry, I just yell about the hurtful thing done

    I think some people need space when they are upset, but NO man NOR woman needs 5 days of space, I’m sorry. The silent treatment is just more hurtful stuff. If you need more than a day to get over something or discuss it, then you have some issues or maybe you not that into that person

    good post

    True

  17. true2me Says:

    oh and I always ALWAYS like to talk about the solution

    and I dont sweat the small stuff. I hate girls who are mad for 5 days cause their man was 10 minutes late..WTF thats PSYCHO

  18. true2me Says:

    K EVEN

    GOOD POINT ABOUT PERCEPTION..ME AND MY ON AGAIN OFF AGAIN ALWAYS DISAGREE ABOUT THAT..WE ARE TRYING TO UNDERSTAND EACH’S PERCEPTION NOW AND HOW WE GET MAD IN THE FIRST PLACE

    SORRY FOR THE CAPS

  19. true2me Says:

    Dont know what happened to my first post

    I was sayin that I believe that things said in anger have some truth to how that person really feels

    I only argue about what hurts me that that person did. I dont go for the gut when arguing to hurt that person just because they hurt me

    I think that only 24 hours is enough space needed to think things over and calm down. I hate when girls hold on to spit for 5 days or a week. WTF..thats insane

    I had boyfriends do that mess too. Nothing is that serious. Talk it out and work on solutions

  20. @K-EVEN: LMAO. I’m “working” also.

    “and I dont sweat the small stuff.”

    @True: That is a very good one. I think you have to realize, like someone said earlier, just bc someone thinks different than you, doesn’t mean they are wrong.

  21. Lovely Paradox Says:

    Great topic! As I have gradually found out that my SO and I have very different arguments-resolving styles… Very different. I am of the talk-it-all-out-while-its-still-hot school of thought, he’s more of a let me gather my thought, think through it and come back to you. It used to frustrate the heck out of me. I don’t hold grudges and don’t typically stay mad. I would say my piece and be ready to move on to the next thing, but I couldn’t really do that with him… *insert huge sigh*

    He’s an introvert who has learned to lash out when he feels under attack, I’m a very opinionated extrovert who can talk/debate you till the cows come home. I am able to think while speaking, he needs to regroup to think through. That can quickly become a deadly combo. So we both decided that when the conversation starts to take an ugly turn, one of us can say a magic word and all parties just shut up. No more words, no more and, but, if. Nothing. Deep breaths, we may decide to go away and come back or start talking about something else. Until we’re both calm enough to talk about the issue.

    It has been hard to implement, but we’ve become a lot better at it than before… And the word is from an inside joke that keeps up cracking up… so it’s hard to stay mad when you hear the word. The most difficult part has been to be the one to call truce… It’s so tempting to think “last time I was the one who said it first, this time I’m not…etc…”, but like everything else you have to go on faith and trust and believe that it’s for the ultimate good of your relationship…

    I can often come off as argumentative because I love to debate on ANYTHING… and I truly like to understand other people’s points and views. So to someone who doesn’t like debating, it feels like I am nitpicking and trying to just argue when in fact it’s just mental exercise on my end. So I’ve learned to curb that tendency in conversations about us and the relationship (other topics are fair game though :))

    I am in an LDR (Long Distance Relationship), and if it helped with anything, it definitely helped our communication skills… There was no easy way out like chex to temporary resolve issues. We HAD to talk it through. And it’s been a great help.

    (Sorry for being so long winded… interesting topic is all. :D))

  22. itgurutech Says:

    K-Even is now itgurutech. I created an account; trying something new.

  23. Got ya, Itgurutech (man, that is a beast to type out!) lol

  24. Jaci Says:

    Hi itgurutech! Welcome to SSSO!

  25. K Even Says:

    Ok… Im sorry off-bat.. I am now K Even not “itgurutech”… Im knew to this and didnt know how to manipulate the rules…

    very Interesting topics…!!!! Great insights and i love all the perspectives..

  26. Jaci Says:

    Hi K Even again.

    Thank you for the blog compliment. Thursday usually features our Resident Male Advisor but I screwed up and let him take the darn week off…

    Any advice you’d like to share?

  27. inakeS Says:

    I remember in marketing class, my professor used to always tell us that YOU MUST KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE IN ORDER TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEM EFFECTIVELY. That’s usually the problem when it comes to arguments. People are just saying whatever they’re thinking but their not really considering how the other person will interpret their words. If the goal of arguing is to come to a resolution in a dispute, then the best way usually not by raising your voice or getting in a heated war of words. I think you have to consider how your significant other will interpret your words or actions and then let that dictate what you say and how you come out them. If you don’t, chances are what you’re trying to say will be missed and there will be 2 people upset and 1 person won’t know why.


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