Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Single Husbands…. May 26, 2009

Before I write this post I want to formally congratulate Tea and Cuzzo on their impending nuptials.

Keeping Only Unto Who?

Keeping Only Unto Who?

***Disclaimer-Not all husbands are like this***

“Understand this, there will be no divorce.  You might be in one bedroom and I might in the other, but we will be married under the same roof.

Jada Pinkett-Smith in reference to Will and her answer to his proposal

Ebony June 2009

I hope everyone had a spectacular weekend before I delve into this topic.  I spent the weekend at Books-A-Million reading Angels and Demons then Single Husbands by HoneyB.

I read both books cover to cover, check out A&D or see the movie.  Anyways, moving right along…I spent Memorial Day reading the second book…and I was intrigued by just a few things…

First of all, I want all of you to sit back and think about all the weddings you’ve ever been to…when those sacred vows are uttered do any of you recall hearing the words “I will be faithful to you”?

Neither have I.

What you have likely heard is “forsaking all others, keeping only unto you”-this is not necessarily a promise of fidelity…it really just means that you will not let anyone come between what you and your mate have.  As I read this book, a tale of three “single husbands” I wondered just how many men in America (and elsewhere) actually believe it to be okay that they cheat on their wives.  And then it came to me, a lot of them do (just not all).

I want to ask a question or two about this and I want to know if anyone thinks single wives exist as well.

Ladies, would you be ok knowing that your husband is sleeping with other women if they were only for pleasure?  With this answer, please bear in mind that he is treating you wonderfully…nothing is amiss in your home.

Would you be okay knowing that your husband has a woman, a lover and a wife (bear in mind they are not all the same person) if it would save face for you professionally?

Finally, would it be okay for you to give up your hopes and dreams to move to a new city with a husband who treats you like you are the slave meant to insure that his house runs smoothly and nothing more?’

And as far as Jada’s quote is concerned, do you think you could lay that on a man?  Or would that push him into being a single husband…(note, Will is not gay, neither is Jada and they are not an open family)

I am just curious about this philanderer’s way of life.

More from me in the morning.

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54 Responses to “Single Husbands….”

  1. I don’t understand why any one would want to keep a person around who is no longer spiritually bonded to you.

    IMHO, no woman is actually okay with knowing their husband has another. IMHO, some women fool themselves into thinking they are okay with this, for a couple of reasons- she has no self respect or self value or she thinks that a man is better than no man.

    Saving face is for fools. I don’t understand why a person would be that concerned about what others may think or say about them, that he or she’d be willing to compromise themselves in the process. I have an uncle who is doing this now. He’s older but I’ve been told that he and his wife just coexist basically to uphold an image. People aren’t stupid- they can see that you aren’t happy anyway.

    It’s not okay to uproot yourself to a new city to be someone’s slave. It’s not okay to do that if you are in the SAME city.

    Again, women need to have some self respect. A man will treat you how you allow him to treat you. Stop playing the victim role and take control.

  2. And no, I don’t think I could lay Jada’s quote on a man. Again, why keep someone who no longer has that connection?

  3. peyso Says:

    So yeah, this question wasnt posed to me but I’m gonna answer anyway, b/c I’m a G and if you have a problem fight me.

    I think that this is an overplayed issue. Do i think that even a small majority of husbands cheat on their wives? No. I think it just blown out of proportion.

    IMHO, i think that there are women who will allow their dudes to cheat on them as long as everything else in order. I wouldnt call it saving face though. I would call it having different priorities. I think women who do this show that they got married more for the security that it SHOULD provide and less for love and spirituality that it should consist of. I wont comment on if something is wrong with that because my concept and view of marriage is not theirs.

    My wifeyskins will not have another, a boyfriend #2, a secrot love, an anything. End of discussion. Me and only me is laying the wood around these part.

    No one should be treated like a slave, regardless of where you are located. I think a couple should do what is best for their family, if that means that the dude has to take 2 jobs or home girl gotta pack up everything and move, it should always be in the interest of their family.

    I’d respect a women who hit me with the Jada quote.

  4. thecomebackgirl Says:

    first off congrats to Cuzzo and Tea

    “Ladies, would you be ok knowing that your husband is sleeping with other women if they were only for pleasure? With this answer, please bear in mind that he is treating you wonderfully…nothing is amiss in your home.”

    There is something so wrong with this question. Would I be ok with him sleeping with other women bearing in mind that he is treating me wonderfully LOL…wtf????

    anyhoot..hell nawl..this shyt would never be able to fly. I realize that some people can seperate love and se!x, but assuming I had kids(particularly a male child..hell a female child too). i would have mucho problems. What kind of standard is he setting as parent. Kids a smart. Especially teenagers. I wouldn’t want this frame of reference in my home.

    Moreover, I don’t really respect Jada quote, to me its rather telling. He can do anything under the sun….but he can’t leave. To me thats how foolywang occurs…i personally think a man should ALWAYS be free to go. Keeping in mind that I’m picking the best most suitable mate with integrity for me…

  5. Sorry, I forgot. Cuz already got my congrats.

    Tea, congrats doll.

  6. some male perspective on this. . .

    as a married man, i have on far too many occassions had conversations with or witnessed behaviors of other married men that provides pardon for these activities. I see it a lot more in men who have some marriage tenure, but i know young married gents that do so as well. I think it’s foul and more of a reflection of your being a failure as the man in a relationship and not having the will and self respect necessary to keep yourself out of these situations. when we link our decision making responsibilities to the level of respect we have for another person, we set ourselves up for failure. our choices should remain rooted in our own values and expectations and sense of self responsibility. you can lose respect for anyone even if it’s just for a short period of time.

    re: jada’s (my other boo) disclaimer. the funny thing is that her premise is not something new. she sounds ol’ skool in saying that. back in the day this was just assumed. yea, we may not like each other but this marriage thing is for life. our society’s comfort with divorce is a relatively recent phenom. my wife and i are very clear that we don’t have to stay together but we’re even more clear that we will give our very last drop of blood if that is what is required to make our marriage successful. she (jada) perhaps just verbalized what should be the norm and I commend her for doing so and being communicative about it.

    re: vows being a bit more explicit, I think the ceremony would last about two days if we had to verbalize everything that we pretty much cover in the marriage disclaimer we call vows. perhaps that conversation is more timely suited somewhere after the “yes” that is given when being asked to marry and sometime before the “i do” at the ceremony. waiting till the day of to make clear yours and your mates expectations of this union is usually what gets us in trouble. we should be talking during hte whole engagement process to be certain that our views and expectations of marriage are not necessarily mirror images of each other but are definitely congruent.

  7. peyso Says:

    @ CBG – I think your extrapolation is wrong. I think the Jada quote speaks more to the fact that a couple can work through anything (and both of them will be willing to work through it), not one half gets a free pass.

  8. Shawnta` Says:

    Congrats Tea & Cuzzo! Engagements are an exciting time. Enjoy.

    I’ll write more in awhile. I have a meeting starting in 3 minutes.

  9. I think it’s interesting that the two male respondents here would accept jada’s comments but the ladies thus far wouldn’t be willing to put it out there. Even more interesting is how the men interpreted her statement versus the women. Jada probably has something figured out. Men need to know the rules plain and clear and are willing to accept them if clearly communicated.

  10. peyso Says:

    @ Robert – great point & sh!t. I think if a chick said, “Real rap, no exageration, I will Lorena Bobbet (sp?) you if you cheat on me”, I think most men will either no get involved with her or not cheat on her. Bottom line, she will not be cheated on.

  11. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “@ CBG – I think your extrapolation is wrong. I think the Jada quote speaks more to the fact that a couple can work through anything (and both of them will be willing to work through it), not one half gets a free pass.”

    @ Peyso..i don;t think so…my premise is that its well regarded that they have (or have had) an open relationship.

  12. peyso Says:

    @ CBG – How is well regarded when she denied it? I thought she denied it in the same Ebony magazine. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

  13. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “@ CBG – How is well regarded when she denied it? I thought she denied it in the same Ebony magazine. Please correct me if I’m wrong.”

    Ok since she denied it …It can’t be right. though there are quotes directly attributed to her …to the contrary..in other mags.

  14. peyso Says:

    @ CBG – And using the logic you just displayed, since she said it…. it cant be wrong.

  15. re: jada/will . . . .even if there was some mutual tomfoolery in their marriage, that can’t be considered cheating because it’s a mutual decision, outlined and probably discussed through communication in their union.

    not a partisan, i can do this and you betts not situation in which one of the mates “deals” with it.

    there is a difference therein.

  16. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “re: jada/will . . . .even if there was some mutual tomfoolery in their marriage, that can’t be considered cheating because it’s a mutual decision, outlined and probably discussed through communication in their union. ”

    @ Rob..perhaps. To me its a personal decision. And like they’ve both stated countless times ..its natural to find other people attractive outside of your marriage. But to me …to take on “lovahhs” really defies all reason to even get married. This is the same bullshyt Rubie Dee and Ossie Davis went through..for his occassional whims..she gets the prize to stay married…no thanks. Thats not an option for me.

    If im not enough …being HIS girlfriend, mistress, and wife (and i intend to be all three) …than neither is marriage.

  17. peyso Says:

    I would like to point out that I find it funny for people to point out the flaws in other people’s definition of marriage. If someone else is fine getting cheated on, or being in an open relationship, or only seeing their SO once a week, that’s fine for them. I know that none of these work for me. However, I think to call it BS, tomfoolery or anything else of the like is a slippery slope. Next we’ll be saying that gays and lesbians shouldnt marry either. O wait….

  18. Jaci Says:

    Wow…I see some real good dialogue rolling through here.

    re: Jada’s comment

    I don’t think they have an open marriage in the sense of what everyone thinks. I think they have an open marriage in the sense of everything is laid out there on the table…there’s not false expectations and no false hope of anything happening that’s not going to happen.

    Will, in this same article stated, that he respects his wife spirit and he knows that if he stifles the growth in her then how can he expect anything from her-spiritually, mentally, sexually or anything else.

    Furthermore, the reason why she was so comfortable making the divorce quote is in her own words…she knew he had been married before and knew where he’d messed up-meaning he knows the man he wants to be and tries to be that making her that test.

    As far as single husbands go…I believe it to be entirely possible that there are women out there who would allow their husbands to cheat. I think if the bills are getting paid, she feels respected and loved and someone told her “hey, he’s cheating..” she would be like back up out of my marriage…if you don’t believe me I think our First Lady is one of them.

    *please don’t attack me*

  19. thecomebackgirl Says:

    The post asked the question :”Ladies, would you be ok knowing that your husband is sleeping with other women if they were only for pleasure? With this answer, please bear in mind that he is treating you wonderfully…nothing is amiss in your home.”

    To me I don’t knock no body’s hustle..but I dayum sure have an opinion about my PERSONAL affairs. And its unacceptable FOR ME.

  20. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “I think our First Lady is one of them.”

    PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS??? what are you saying?

  21. andrea Says:

    To me ‘forsaking all others’ IS a vow of fidelity. Is that just me?

  22. “To me ‘forsaking all others’ IS a vow of fidelity. Is that just me?”

    Andrea, I will agree with you. 😉

  23. @pesyo: “I would like to point out that I find it funny for people to point out the flaws in other people’s definition of marriage”

    my “tomfoolery” wasn’t to be a put down per say. I am a “whatever floats your boat” kind of dude. so if that works for them, so be it. the use of “tomfoolery” is my opinion of that particular lifestyle but trust, if a person and their mate has made their decision to partake in whatever, that’s on them. i don’t think you can compare OPINIONS of those choices with the PROHIBITION of those choices (ie. prohibiting gay marriage).

  24. Jaci Says:

    @Andrea

    I thought so too, but if you check out the preface of the book HoneyB explains why it is not a promise of fidelity. In fact, one of the characters makes it known two or three times that he had never, ever broken his vows.

    @CBG

    I do hate to say this…but no President has ever been divorced. Ok re read that sentence first…ok moving along…Most presidents are good to their wives and take care of home whether that’s a house in Hyde Park, a compound in Massachusetts or a two story in New York…and it’s known there’s that atom called love between all of them. It’s also known that a lot of them have had affairs (in the White House no less) and yet, none of them are divorced…

    The reason behind this, I believe, is in how they make their wives feel…there can be no doubt in my mind that there’s a special bond between those two…in fact, he loves her to bits and pieces for the woman she is, but at the end of the day he is still a man…made of flesh, which is nothing but dirt (don’t get your boxers in a wad, fellows, women are made of dirt too)

    We’re human and sometimes you have to really examine what’s going on in a situation…take Bill and Hillary

    A 26 year old woman sucked her husband’s d!ck in this White House…she probably beat him in the d@mned head, but stayed right there…ask yourself why?

    For the same reason a woman could do it right now and there would be quiet reflection and contemplation, one or two a!ss whoopings and then they’d come out smiling big and bold as ish…that’s just how it works…ask your granny

  25. peyso Says:

    @ Robert & CBG – I wasnt speaking to the two of you per se, but as a part of bigger phenomenon that I have seen

  26. Rob Says:

    this is probably a fire starter question, but I’ll ask anyway.

    many times it has been stated by women in this blog that it is the responsibility of any mate to fulfill the needs of their partner within reason.

    Oral sex being within reason (or at least in my clouded mind), if it were to come out that Hillary wasn’t footing the bill on that note, would Bills indiscretion be perhaps not excused but understood?

  27. peyso Says:

    @ Rob – YEP

  28. Jaci Says:

    @Rob

    I think so too.

  29. Dr. J Says:

    @ Jaci – I think Hillary stayed with Bill because of her own political aspirations. And I also think that most marriages with people of that stature are more arranged than we think. I mean case in point, Bill didn’t just whopped off by Lewinski, it was woman, after woman, after woman, after woman. Dude was an animal.

    I do not think Obama is going to be cheating on Michelle though. Although if it was me, I would have broken up with Michelle on November 5th, 2008. Ask Nicolas Sarkozy.

    I think one point we are not taking into consideration is how intertwined people’s lives can become. That lady who has three kids, stopped working to be a stay at home mom, joint accounts, intertwined retirement accounts and investments… Are you really going to bounce over some side chick? Nah… you’re not. You’ll work through it. If not, then I think you are ranking sex too high as a priority.

    With all that said, I beleive in the sanctity of marriage and could never see myself cheating on my wife or having an open relationship, or anything of the liking. I just can’t do it.

  30. Jaci Says:

    @Dr J

    Thank you for voicing what I didn’t want to say. I don’t think it is any secret that Hillary had her own ish going on both politically and personally.

    Why would you have broken up on 11.5?

    And does anyone other than me feel like the Sarkozys are so not gonna make it? I feel Carla is more a liability than an asset?

  31. Men, if the shoe was on the other foot- would u allow your woman to do this?

  32. Jaci Says:

    @Nicki

    I think not. They think of us as THEIRS.

  33. @jaci: You are correct (not on the theirs part), but on the not allowing part. I don’t care what no dude says, that snatch is her’s to give away. but if you start giving it away to someone else other than me . . .we ain’t in a relationship no longer . . . .

    . . . and I will commence to bang your sister or best friend next. LOL

  34. Jaci Says:

    @Robert

    LOL….I know I know I’ve had it said to me one million and one times.

    And honestly I feel you on that because of the physiological differences and such.

    It’s the whole first lover/last great love thing.

  35. Lovely Paradox Says:

    I am really weary of those “books” and the generalizations they tend to make.

    Each marriage is different from the next one. I have never been married so I don’t know what I will be willing to do. I just know that there is a bond between my mate and me that made me want to be married to him. If that bond is no longer there, then there is no reason to remain married… I don’t exactly know what can make the bond go away but when/if it happens I will know.

  36. Dr. J Says:

    “Why would you have broken up on 11.5? And does anyone other than me feel like the Sarkozys are so not gonna make it? I feel Carla is more a liability than an asset?”

    @CBG – Because Obama could be having the best time of his life right now. Dude is the first president since Kennedy to also be considered a sex symbol. And Jackie-O knew JFK was getting around. Obama try to pull that on Michelle and she will “Sheila Johnson” his ass on Easter Sunday.

    The Sarkozy’s will make it. There are low expectations of her, she’s just arm candy.

  37. Jaci Says:

    “The Sarkozy’s will make it. There are low expectations of her, she’s just arm candy.”

    She’s sure some explosive arm candy…who makes statements like “monogamy is nice, I try it from time to time”

    I think she’s a woman of interesting character, furthermore, the fact that you never know what she’s going to say makes it even better!

  38. Jaci Says:

    And let me re-iterate…the POTUS was NOT trying to get married, so I’m sure she knows what’s really up…

    You know what they say about the apple and the tree.

  39. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “@CBG – Because Obama could be having the best time of his life right now. Dude is the first president since Kennedy to also be considered a sex symbol. And Jackie-O knew JFK was getting around. Obama try to pull that on Michelle and she will “Sheila Johnson” his ass on Easter Sunday”

    i think this would be a dumb azz typical man who believes their own hype. My momma used to always say…”Your special. I mean you really are special..but you’re not THAT DAYUM special.”..i think not believing your own hype is about humility as much as it is anything else. Those are the kind of men that really lite my fire. And THOSE are the men who don’t get caught up in the sensational bullshyt.

  40. Lovely Paradox Says:

    @Dr. J,

    I think one point we are not taking into consideration is how intertwined people’s lives can become. That lady who has three kids, stopped working to be a stay at home mom, joint accounts, intertwined retirement accounts and investments… Are you really going to bounce over some side chick? Nah… you’re not. You’ll work through it. If not, then I think you are ranking sex too high as a priority.

    I think this is the part most people are missing… And like I said before attending college, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you what would make me stick to College or what would make me bounce… I went through it and I found out. I just knew I wanted my degree and I was willing to do a lot of things to do it… I was not going to quit. Were there moments when I wanted to let it all go to hell? Yes. Were there other people who actually did quit? Yes. To me each experience has to be EXPERIENCED first before talking about the do’s and dont’s…

    Depending on the school you choose (your mate), your major (the content of your relationship), the professors you have (the stuff outside of your relationship), and your own organization skills (communication skills in a relationship), you’ll have a brilliant college career or a poor one. You may finish or not… But until you’re there with all those parameters laid out, you don’t know what will happen.

  41. Jaci Says:

    @Lovely

    Girl you nailed that one hard. A+++

  42. No. Says:

    I have done open relationships. I probably could do an open marriage (although I would just rather keep it as an open relationship ). That is all.

  43. Cynthia Says:

    NO! I am way too territorial!

  44. Shawnta` Says:

    @Andrea & @Nicki: I agree. I believe that traditional wedding vows do contain a vow of fidelity.

    I’ve heard of people (both husbands & wives) being okay with their spouses having another on the side so long as two conditions were met: 1) No children & 2) No diseases. How can they guarantee neither of these things will happen? I think this is a crazy arrangement but that’s for me.

    I would not be okay with my husband having someone else he is sleeping with (even if he was still taking care of home and things financially). And he is NOT hearing anything about me having another man on the side.

    Although I didn’t lay it out as an ultimatum when my husband proposed to me, I can definitely see what Jada is saying. I can relate to the extent that good or bad, we roll with the punches TOGETHER and remain married. However, for me, this does not include having an open marriage. Sorry if this is all over the place, I’m in a bit of a rush.

  45. Britt Says:

    Nope. Marriage is NOT mandatory. If you can’t keep it in the pants don’t propose. That simple.

  46. “Moreover, I don’t really respect Jada quote, to me its rather telling. He can do anything under the sun….but he can’t leave. To me thats how foolywang occurs…i personally think a man should ALWAYS be free to go. Keeping in mind that I’m picking the best most suitable mate with integrity for me.”

    This is how I was taking the quote as well, comeback.

  47. “Oral sex being within reason (or at least in my clouded mind), if it were to come out that Hillary wasn’t footing the bill on that note, would Bills indiscretion be perhaps not excused but understood?”

    Nope, since he knew this and married her anyway.

  48. Jaci Says:

    @Nicki

    I don’t think that’s what Jada means. I think what’s being said here is really that look we’re going to make it…we have to and I personally really wish that more couples would be this way, especially black people.

    @Shawnta

    Hey girl-I am going to respond to that e-mail I am!

  49. “Nope. Marriage is NOT mandatory. If you can’t keep it in the pants don’t propose. That simple.”

    Simple yet powerful statement.

  50. Jaci, I am gonna need you to get more people to convince me of that.

    If she was trying to say, no matter what, we are going to make this marriage work then she should say it a little clearer- that is not what is being conveyed (at least not to me)

  51. K Even Says:

    I attempted the open relationship, and i realized its not how i was raised..

    i believe mongamy coupled with Lovely Paradox college theory is the way to go.

  52. Cheekie Says:

    The Man piled all this work on me after the holiday so I gotta post and run:

    Congrats Tea and Cuzzo! Many blessings to you both!

  53. ashbunnie Says:

    a post like this lead me to think about one person: Deb Gotti.

    like sunshine said, some women think that any man is better than no man at all. clearly he is not making you happy, yet you stay. clearly he is disrespecting you, yet you stay. clearly he is a philandering whore, yet you still stay.

    how can anyone who says that they have respect for someone, be OK with having an “open marriage”? i can not for the life of me understand why a woman just puts up with nonsense just for the sake of security. i understand that when you marry someone, things are invested: children, money, assets, etc. but honestly, no one is going to take care of the kids like mama can anyway, so pack their things and go. you should have been saving money in a SEPERATE** account for when things go wrong. as for as the assets go, let him have all that stuff. those will just be constantly be reminders of a failed marriage. it’s hard. yes i know, but what type of standard are you setting for your daughter or son? your daughter will grow up and think that having a cheating husband is bettter than no husband at all. and your son will grow up thinking it’s ok to be married and have his sexual escapades.

    *I do not co-sign changing of names and joint bank accounts. changing of name: you must file MARRIED taxes. no more head of household. joint bank accounts: he can take a little money whenever he wants for silly nonsense like fishing poles and call of duty 5.

    congrats tea y cuzzo. good luck!

  54. Cuzzo Says:

    Hey, I’m tardy to the party but nah matta 🙂

    Thanks for the congrats Jac and all the other folks! Short answer for your first two questions…hell to the nah….that’s adultery. But, if he cheated, I’d be more inclined to follow along the lines of the Jada quote…we in this FOREVER and we will make it work.

    The third question…what the heezy? you must mean he’s taking care of you financially…not that that makes it ok, but for what other reason would you consider that? But, nah, not gonna do that one either.


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