Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

The Art of Dating May 31, 2009

Filed under: Dating,relationships — Sunny @ 10:00 pm



Wikipedia defines dating as, “any social activity undertaken by, typically, two people with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as their partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The word refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity. Traditional dating activities include entertainment or a meal.”

I can stand behind this definition- it was the exact reason I dated.  If I wasn’t feeling the man, or able to put him in the “prospect” category, I wasn’t sharing his company- simple as that.  I always believed (read: HOPED) that both parties would be on the same accord.  

Some people date for other reasons- women will go out on a date because, “hey it’s a free meal,”  “It’s better than being alone,”  or “I’ve got nothing better to do.”   If you are dating for any of these reasons, you, my friend are a USER (and karma is a b#*ch).  If you feel this way, you should probably get a job and some self esteem. 

Men- you didn’t get off easy.  Don’t use dating as a down payment on the poon. You should not be taking a woman out, wining and dining her, and expect her to spread the legs later on that night.  If you do, you might be better just bypassing the date and soliciting a lady of the evening instead.  I think you should also expect to pay on the date.  

Yes, I said it.  *** And I know the men will shoot me for this. *** But I think a man paying is chivalrous and it makes me feel secure, soft and pink.  I’m not saying we have to be eating at Mr. Chows and breaking your wallet, but initially, I expect you to pay.  At some point, I will shell out but I just need you to be prepared … don’t ask me out if you don’t have it (I had a man ask me if I was paying next time when I only ate a $3 bowl of SOUP!!!! lol) 

As I said, dates don’t have to be uber expensive. Just be creative (and mind you, this may differ from woman to woman).  For me, dinner or movies is really not what I want to do when we are first dating- it’s so regular.   We can do something like meeting at a restaurant for dessert (because I am addicted to sweets), or Starbucks for a latte.  We could grab an ice cream cone while walking around the Waterfront.  I treat dating as an informal interview- I’m trying to collect evidence, which is why we need to be talking.

What say you?


14 Responses to “The Art of Dating”

  1. peyso Says:

    I think men should generally pay for the first date. UNLESS THE WOMEN ASKED HIM OUT. I know women who do this all the time. Will say “Lets have dinner tomorrow” and then expect the dude to pay. I just think that men should probably do most of the asking out.

  2. Shawnta` Says:

    I just read my original comment and thought it might be a bit confusing. I hope it makes sense.

  3. Shawnta` Says:

    I’m old fashioned. I love courting & dating. I use present tense “love” and not past tense “loved” because although I’m married I still date…my husband that is. 🙂 There’s nothing like making plans (or playing it by ear) and looking forward to going out. I like to get dressed up but even if it’s just to a sports bar or bowling alley, I love thinking about what I’m going to wear and how much fun it’ll be. Although I’m old fashioned, I’m not opposed to women taking turns paying for dates, especially when it’s not yet clear that both the man and the woman are on the same page of what “this” is or what it might become.

  4. Hey guys!

    Peyso, I agree with you. If a woman asks a man out ,she needs to pay. (I’ve never been that brave go getter woman though. )

    Shawnta: I’m with you. I love dressing up when I’m with my man and knowing he appreciates it. 😉

  5. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “don’t ask me out if you don’t have it ”

    @ Sunny..i wonder how the recessino has affected dating tho. I totally agree with the above..but a lot of dudes are multi-tasking it may be hard on a man’s pockets.

  6. Anna Says:

    I’m with you on this one, Nicki – men need to pay. And I’ve never asked a man out in 30 years so I can’t speak on what happens when the woman asks. But I think that a lot has been lost with men and dating. My expectations are pretty simple:

    If you ask me to go out, have something in mind. Don’t have me back and forth with “Well, what do YOU want to do?” That let’s me know that you gave no thought past “hollerin'”. Or that you’re angling to go “just hang out” at my place. Um, no-go. Also, have a 2nd choice in mind. If you make me pick, I’ll choose something that I think will be cheap that ends up being expensive. Like an $80 trip to the bowling ally.

    All this gets back to courtship. If you’re over 25 and still don’t know how, keep walkin’ son!

    P.S. – I’m late as heck to the post about “Single Husbands.” For the record: HoneyB is a good writer but her whole vibe to me is of an old bitter ho would rather advise against women getting married than admit she just couldn’t hold it together (and in case you haven’t read it, she says in her prologue that the concept of marriage is ludicrous to her. Spoken like a true lifetime mistress!)

    And I told that to the old bitter ho who recommended the book to me.

  7. @Comeback: and that’s why he should not be trying to wine and dine one while making another suffer. I think it’s all about communication.

    If you don’t have it, there are cheaper or free options… or you can be open and tell me and let me make the decision if I want to date you.

    The way ole dude did me (above) was bad form.

  8. “Don’t have me back and forth with “Well, what do YOU want to do?” That let’s me know that you gave no thought past “hollerin'”. ”


    I agree with your entire comment, Anna.

    “and in case you haven’t read it, she says in her prologue that the concept of marriage is ludicrous to her. Spoken like a true lifetime mistress!) ”

    When people make comments like this or “I don’t believe in marriage,” it makes me think they are copping out… u are saying that only because u feel like you don’t have the option of a successful marriage.

  9. Dr. J Says:

    Re: Recession Dating–
    For thou lastest time… If you ain’t got it, then stay home, don’t date. However, if you live in DC, here’s what you can do. Go to all that free ish on that big field between the Capitol and Lincoln Memorial. And now especially for Black people, going to the White House can be romantic because people love to stunt and act like their relationship has the potential to be like Barack and Michelle.

    And since Park Police suck ass, there’s a spot across from the Native American musuem where if you are into “doing it in the park” you can’t ever get caught.

    Re: Dating
    I insist on paying for the dates. If you must, pay for parking, i’ll take care of everything else. However… I do not drop guap on a young lady until at least the third date. Also, i’ve never really gone on a date with the intention of going out to eat until very later in the relationship. Usually, it’s going out to some type of active event where we have time to interact and then we can grab a bite to eat. However, the “bite to eat” is already researched so I can make sure it’s on point.

    So yeah, I agree creativity is big. But also doing your research is important. Knowing all your factors, so that you can let things flow. Options are good. Most important thing with me and dating is good conversation and interaction. Which is why i’m more than likely going to take a chick to Dave & Buster, ESPN Zone, Lucky Strike, or the Children’s museum within the first five/six dates.

  10. I’m digging your dating style, Dr. J.

  11. Cynthia Says:

    Dating is fun! It does not take alot of money to have a good time..I have had friends that have had men try to pull the dutch thing…some are okay with it. I admit I’m not lol I could not do it! Can you imagine meeting someone at starbucks, and he don’t even buy you a 4 dollar coffee LOL

  12. Athena Nike Says:

    @Dr. J & Peyso primarily, and the ladies of Single Sister…Aquaintance’s blog (like you don’t have enough to follow) this post based on an article about 4-5years old, and I am wondering if this man is married yet or still playing the game.
    I don’t believe it takes a lot of money to have a good time either, I will respect you if our first dates are trolley hop, the poetry slam, or your church picnic – that gives me a better depth of your character and interests than sipping matinis at 60 West (and I don’t drink so you already get off easy). I don’t even really consider those dates, I haven’t developed a term for it yet…But when you do invite me someplace where you’d love to see me in more than just lite powder and gloss I expect you to be a gentleman and pay. If I invite you out, I am going to think like a man and be prepared to pay, but will act like a lady when you scoop up the ticket 🙂

  13. @Cynthia: I prolly wouldn’t be okay going dutch on some coffee either. If it was a more elaborate date, I’d be more open to it.. .but we need to have discussed it beforehand. Say an amusement park- I’d be willing to pay for my own ticket.

    @Athena: Thanks for the link. I’m checking it out!!!

  14. @Athena: I read the article and let me just say… WOW. First of all, what woman would go on a first date and throw back $319.00 worth of drinks and food. And if he’s spent $14,000.00 a year on dates, maybe he needs to be a little more selective or stop trying to ball out. It is simply not that serious.

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