Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

What Would You Do? June 14, 2009

Filed under: Dating,relationships — Sunny @ 10:00 pm

 

Today’s post comes from one of our commenters, J Money.   Enjoy!

I was in a relationship and my girl was friends with this guy. They were cool, no extensive hanging out or phone conversations. Naturally being a man I was not easy with it nonetheless. She said she would never look at him like that. We break-up and after a year or so she is with that guy in a relationship. So I wonder was he buying his time waiting on something to happen? We were on and off sometimes but you know how it is when you are young. A break-up most times is really not the first or the last. That is until you get older and the standards are raised along with your patience and tolerance decreasing. 

 

We have all had someone of the opposite sex who is a friend. You were either involved in some capacity and it ended thus becoming friends or you met as mutual friends. They are a really cool person. Ya’ll talk every once in awhile and they are a truly good friend. They have made comments before about the two of you getting together on another level or maybe back together. You dismiss them as them being silly or you’re just not interested. However you know deep down if you say there is a vacancy in the hotel, they will be first to make a reservation.  Then you get into a relationship. They respect it but they can’t help the fact that they want it to be them. Now no one wants to cut off friends when they have done nothing to disrespect your relationship. And we all want the trust of our significant other as well.

 

So my questions to the Fellas is have you ever had a female friend that you thought if she broke up with ole dude I would submit my application? To the Ladies have you had or have a male friend who you know would apply if you were available? The ultimate question is: Do you dismiss this friend if you enter into a relationship because you know they have an interest in you?

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67 Responses to “What Would You Do?”

  1. Anitra Says:

    I used to say I didn’t care, but now I do only because people are so fickle these days. If you and your s.o have a fight that “Friend” will be the first person that they run too.

    Its a trust issue for the most part. If I let my man have female friends or 1 friend she would have to be butt ugly!!

  2. I don’t have any male friends who’d apply for a permanent position in my life if I were available but I’m sure they’d hit if they got the chance. Thing is, since I’ve gotten into a relationship, I don’t hear from my male “friends” as much.

    As far as my man having a friend like this, I’m not cool with it. As Mik said, when you and s.o. have a fight, he’d prolly run to “friend,” who would prolly be telling him how wrong I was or whatever.

    In a situation like that, all it would take is a loose inhabition, prolly brought on by alcohol or an argument, and my man would be in a compromising position.

  3. Anitra Says:

    Hey Nic how was your TRIP!

    I got one out fit from h & m and im wearing it today lol. I was short on time and that was the LAST store I came across in the mall. I do plan to go back there tho, they have good deals.

  4. Mik, I had a great time, of course. There was a big storm on Friday and I was a lil nervous. lol. Everytime I see him, I wanna pack my bags up and move closer- investigating job and apartments and stuff. 😉

    H&M really does have good deals. I’m glad you found one. SHoot, that’s like 80% of the store you need right there. IT’s huge!

  5. Mikki Says:

    Aww thats great!!! I was a shoppin fool over the weekend lol. Im scared to balance my check book lol. I got some nice tops from wet seal, skinny jeans from jc penny and h&m slacks.

  6. You deserve it. You haven’t been shopping in a MINUTE. I’m glad you are sprucing up the wardrobe bc I was personally going to come to Michigan and hunt you down. lol

  7. Mikki Says:

    So are decent priced apts by jt?

  8. Decent enough. NOTHING is as decently priced as Louisville, BTW. NOTHING. lol. Shoot, even Nashville would be closer than what we do now!

  9. Jaci Says:

    I know I definitely have a friend or two that would gladly be all up in this if they could. One in particular that used to always fight with me then I realized any time I was like yeah I’m in a relationship would automatically be crestfallen. It’s kinda like well you could’ve always approached me.

    Anyways, last time it happened was just a huge mess and not really drama but sadness and heart to heartedness.

    @Mik

    Is this outfit on FB?

    @Nick

    I saw the Southern Belles last night. It’s not so bad.

  10. Jaci, I still haven’t had a chance to catch that show. Is Sunday the usual dates that it comes on?

  11. Ms. Eighty's Baby Says:

    To the Ladies have you had or have a male friend who you know would apply if you were available?

    I’m not in a relationship but I do have a friend (ex) who’s tried to apply (again) but I’m not interested…..

    Do you dismiss this friend if you enter into a relationship because you know they have an interest in you?

    Nope, I can’t say that I would dismiss him if I was to get into a relationship. As long as he’s respectful of my relationship then we can still be cool….I’ve been in a relationship and we remained in contact and there weren’t any problems… Maybe because I didn’t discuss any details of my relationship with him….. He already knows our conversations mostly consist of career goals and checking up on each other’s familys and that’s about it…..

  12. Cynthia Says:

    YES!! I had guy friends over the years I had to let go..cause they would hype me up if the guy I was seeing were arguing, with the intention to replace them

  13. “Maybe because I didn’t discuss any details of my relationship with him….. ”

    And this is how I am with my “friend,” not that I’ve had anything negative to say about my S.O anyway.

    This may be a little sexist, but I think men wouldn’t be able to pick up on their female friend hitting on them like we would.

  14. @Cynthia: Did you ever think about giving one of the guy friends a chance?

  15. Anitraclark Says:

    Jac Nope its not

    Nic I see, get some roommates lol. (joking really don’t do that haha)

  16. Mik. LOL. NOT with your roommate issues!!!! HA. I’ve found three that I’d be willing to do so far.. now I just have to find a job!

  17. Jaci Says:

    @Nicki

    I thought I saw it comes on Thursdays plus last night they showed two back to back and the info didn’t say NEW on my DVR thingy…

    Hitting you up on Yahoo!

  18. Anitraclark Says:

    lol right Nic u know i was joking!!!

    I just signed a lease for 3 new roommates lol. I know I had a LOT of issues last year with the crazies but for a new low low price of 345 i will do it again!! lol.

    I have to do one more year of this because I am not out of debt yet and I need the extra cash to keep my rental afloat and other random things that happen.

  19. LMAO at the new low price!!!! Maybe u will get lucky with the 3 new roommates. Have you already gotten them?

  20. Anitraclark Says:

    lol not chet but they had us fill out a placement compatibility sheet and based on what I put id probably be the roommate from hell lol.

    no smokers
    need cleaners
    no loud people
    no party people
    no non working people
    ect ect etc…. lol

    hopefully if they adhere to it i will have roommates lol.

  21. Jaci Says:

    @Mik

    You gon end up with some one who bosses you around.

  22. Anitraclark Says:

    lmao Jac right, i was thinkin that!!

  23. I am cracking up at no party people. It made me think of the beginning of that old song and now I can’t think of what it was.

  24. Anitraclark Says:

    LMAO Nic I know what song you are thinkin of but I CANT think of it!!

    oh gosh now its gonna bug me lol

  25. It’s either 95 South or 69 Boyz, ain’t it?

  26. peyso Says:

    its funny how the question was to guys and there arent any yet lol. But I think there are some of my s.o.’s who would apply for the position, said i disappeared. Furthermore, there are also some chicks I would have applied for in the past if they didnt have their SO. But right now, I’m happily employed so I will be applying for now jobs

  27. Peyso, I think u meant u would NOT be applying for new jobs, right?

  28. Anitraclark Says:

    Nic prolly so, i hear the beat in my head and the intro like party peeeeeeeeepooooooooooooleeeee

    but thats all i can think of!! lol

  29. peyso Says:

    yep, that’s exactly what i meant

  30. @Mik: ain’t it Party people we in the place to be, Oh. I think it’s that song “Tag Team back again,” and I’m drawing a blank. lol

    Got ya Peyso!

  31. true2me Says:

    every male I know just about would hit…

    So when Im in a relationship, I dont have “male friends” cause most males can’t just be my friend

  32. Shawnta` Says:

    Morning, y’all!

    Great topic, JMoney.

    If y’all think friends of the opposite s3x are tricky in relationships, they’re even trickier when you’re married. Each married couple handles it differently. Some say no friends of the opposite s3x at all. Others are okay with it so long as the friends of the opposite s3x were around PRIOR to the marriage & as long as they don’t disrespect the marriage and as long as the spouses don’t confide in their friends of the opposite s3x with details about issues in the marriage. Some married couples even have issues with their spouses having co-worker friends/colleagues of the opposite s3x…you know, as far as going to Happy Hour with them or having lunch (business or non-business), or after business hours meetings, etc. where it’s just the two of them.

    Although it can be tricky, I definitely co-sign on what some of the commenters have said about NOT sharing ANY details about issues, arguments, disagreements, s3xual dissatisfaction, lack of s3x, etc. with the friends of the opposite s3x. I also think that if you’re going to have friends of the opposite s3x, they should meet your significant other and your significant other should like them (or at least be comfortable with you being around them). Friends of the opposite s3x also should not be allowed to disrespect your relationship/marriage, make jokes about it, etc. Friends of the opposite s3x shouldn’t know about major (and even minor) things before your significant other/spouse (think about Brown Sugar & how Sydney knew he quit his job before his own wife did). I also think that if ever it came down to it and you were asked to make a choice between your friend of the opposite s3x and your significant other/spouse, you be ready to make that decision (even if you feel as if you shouldn’t have to choose).

    I guess I say all of this to say that while it is possible, it can be tricky and there should definitely be limits set. Some people think this makes developing & maintaining friendships with people of the opposite s3x too difficult & exhausting because it’s too much like work and they have to be guarded at all times…but I think your relationship & marriage is something that you should be willing to guard.

  33. “So when Im in a relationship, I dont have “male friends” cause most males can’t just be my friend”

    EXACTLY! The only straight male friends I have are on the blog world. And we’ve never seen eachother.

  34. Jaci Says:

    Let me address Mik…

    Would that be

    Party people your dreams have been fulfilled…now let’s something and let’s get ill?

    That would be JAgged Edge and Run DMC remixing Let’s Get Married!

    @Shawnta

    girl it takes me hours to read your comments lol

  35. Ms. Eighty's Baby Says:

    @Nick and Mik…. Y’all suck….lol

    Party people
    Yeah Tag Team music
    In Full Effect
    That’s me DC the Brain Supreme
    And my man Steve Roll’n
    We’re kicking the flow we’re kickin’ the flow
    And it goes a little somethin’ like this
    Tag Team back again
    check and direct and let’s begin
    Party on party people let me hear some noise
    DC’s in the house jump jump rejoice
    There’s a party over here
    a party over there
    Wave your hands in the air
    Shake your deriere
    These three words when you’re gettin’ busy
    Whoomp there it is
    Hit me

  36. Shawnta` Says:

    @Jaci: LOL! I know. Sorry, y’all.

  37. @Shawnta: I know you are married. Do u condone any female friends and such?

  38. 80s: U are frigging great. that’s what it is! lol

  39. Anitraclark Says:

    Thank you 80’s I figured out when I left on my 1st break lol. I was walkin outside and was like I GOT IT!!!!

  40. Shawnta` Says:

    @Nicki: My husband has some female friends but he doesn’t talk to them very often. One lives out of state and the others are women he worked with and/or knew from college. As long as it isn’t disrespectful and he isn’t lying to me about talking to them and stuff, I don’t mind.

  41. J Money Says:

    @Shawnta: I agree with the whole meeting friends aspect and making the s.o. feel comfortable with the situation. Your “Brown Sugar” reference is true as well. He was wrong for making a major decision like that without consulting his wife first. Here at my job co-workers go to lunch all the time with people of the opposite sex and a lot of time it is 1on1 but nothing is made of it because that is the corporate america environment here. You don’t know if this is a supervisor or managing director or whoever.

    @Anitra: Yeah people do confide in these female/male friends thinking it is all innocent and cool. And some people feel like if this person is confiding in me then I can do the same. It gets people to air their dirty laundry and the persons intentions are not genuine. Especially if they make remarks about trying to hit it.

    @Sunshine: The alcohol seems to be the best and oldest excuse in the book to do something wrong. I feel like the person wants to do it to begin with but needs that alcohol to loosen them up and feel better about doing it.

    @Jaci: I think your guy just liked the challenge of trying to get you while you were involved with someone else.

    @ Peyso: Thanks for being the first male. I feel you on that because I have seen some women taken down through there and would have put myself out there if they weren’t involved. But I have never waited in the wings like some guys do, waiting to get someone’s women.

  42. “@Sunshine: The alcohol seems to be the best and oldest excuse in the book to do something wrong. I feel like the person wants to do it to begin with but needs that alcohol to loosen them up and feel better about doing it.”

    @J: Exactly… I have been drunk a few times in my day and have never just blacked out and forgotten what I was doing. I just cannot believe people who say that they have.

  43. peyso Says:

    @ J Money – I agree, I couldnt jus consciously wait on another man’s chick. seems wack to me

  44. I dont’ see many men doing this… I love my ladies, but we can be far more conniving. (did I misspell that)

  45. Jaci Says:

    @J Money

    That last incident I wasn’t with anybody and I think he saw an opportunity. And he said all he wanted at the moment was sex and that’s not the road he wanted to go with me…I was hurt because I thought he was saying that’s all I was worth and he was hurt because he thought I was saying I would NEVER be with him. So not true…I would’ve but there’s still so much extraneous foolishness.

  46. rob weaver Says:

    @shawnta re: “I also think that if you’re going to have friends of the opposite s3x, they should meet your significant other and your significant other should like them (or at least be comfortable with you being around them). ”

    you should add . . . and meet them early! don’t introduce me to said “friend” 6-12 months later. if he was so much a “friend”, you’ve been getting at me for 6mos now, what kind of “friends” are you?

    I have one “female” friend that I met prior to my relationship with my wife, never had any interest in her on a relationship/physical nature, we have never had the discussion that has been hinted at regarding us being an item. she’s like a sister to me. the friendship started as a friendship and never anything more. It was the result of working at the same place and had we not worked together, we probably wouldn’t be friends.there has to be some legitimate connection. we worked together, volunteered together, friends by relative, etc. not no, i asked for her number one night in the club, things didn’t go the direction i expected them to and we ended up being “just friends” (these are the people who will sabotage your ish when things get rocky). When I met my wife my friend knew about her within hours and met her within 2 weeks or less.

    I’m cool with old friends that show a significant concern/hope that his “friends” relationship is successful. Excluding the cats who are simply foul and on some sneaky ish, genuine opposite sex friends want to know this new person that has your nose wide open. not cool with “friends” that come around and hit you up on some we should get together for lunch ish and says nothing about me being there. this fool will get checked.

    @Nicki re:”This may be a little sexist, but I think men wouldn’t be able to pick up on their female friend hitting on them like we would.”

    You’re right, it is. We can be a bit naive, but we know when a woman is tossing it. We may choose to ignore it or even bask in the glory of it and act like we don’t have a clue, but we know. And female “friends” don’t hit on you.

    Basically the term opposite sex “friend” is used way to loosely. I never call my friend my “opposite sex friend” or have to describe our relationship as plutonic or even have to explain our relationship. . . the relationship in itself is self explanatory on it’s face . . .she’s my friend.

  47. @Rob: I’ve heard it come out of two guys mouths that they don’t know when a woman is hitting on them.. so do u think that’s an act? It was a little peculiar to me, hearing that (how can you not know?) but okay, it’s whatever.

  48. rob weaver Says:

    @nicki: keep in mind we’re saying “hit on”. we’re not saying some chick covets dude in secret, shrine with his picture in her room and all. he may not know that, but if she’s tossin the cookies at him, he knows. he just may be soaking up the attention or considering the notion or ignoring the advances. when women choose, they make it known. dude on some bs. lol

  49. J Money Says:

    @Rob: “i asked for her number one night in the club, things didn’t go the direction i expected them to and we ended up being “just friends” (these are the people who will sabotage your ish when things get rocky)”

    Man that is normally how it goes too. And these people try to pass these friends off to you like they started off as just being cool and this person has no interest. Just because you reject them once and they make no more advances does not mean their interest ends.

  50. @Rob: Got you. lol. “he just may be soaking up the attention ”

    I’ve been known to say, “Hey. at least I know I’ve still got it” myself.

  51. J Money Says:

    That is why I always ask the nature of the friendship…

    How did you meet?
    How long have you known them?
    Have they ever tried to make a move?
    How often do yall communicate or hangout?

    It is not a trust thing, just more so to understand what type of friendship this is. Most guys and girls are sneaky. There are plenty of people who play the side role and not even want to be with you. They may just want s3x from the person and that’s it.

  52. Shawnta` Says:

    @Rob: VERY good point…SOs should definitely meet the friends EARLY.

  53. Anna Says:

    I have a good friend that I was hooking up with for years. Neither of us ever wanted a relationship. And I never cheated on my man with him. He knew his place, I knew mine. He would always say he knew I was seeing someone serious months before I would tell him because I would “drop off the radar”. But – we’re cool. He was that friend who could come over, smoke sumpin’, eat sumpin’, do sumpin’….and then help me pick out my outfit for a first date, lol! He was the one who would give me that older man advice when things got rocky with a guy I was seeing. Never stood in the way of what I was doing because, ultimately, he wanted to see me happy. Now, I’m not saying he’s perfect or anything, but the nature of our friendship was just what I needed at that time in my life. Matter a fact, he was the one who helped soothe some of late 20’s “what the hell is WRONG with me?” anxieties – he just told me, “Ain’t nothin’ wrong wit you, gul. You just need a n**ga to bring to the table what you bringin’. Stop messin’ with these sorry az n**gas”

    Bless his heart.

    Cut to the present, and I’m with the man I plan on marrying. My old friend is really someone I just can’t have in my life. Period. I’ll check in with him maybe every 4-5 months to see what’s up with his kids and say “hi”, but now he answers his phone with, “What’s going on, young lady?” the cool thing about him is that he is cool – he don’t want to be in the way any more than I want him in the way. The status of our friendship has changed totally, and there is no way in the world that I would jeopardize my relationship with my man by having regular conversation with ole dude. No.Way.

    So to sum it up, I would expect the same from my man. Everybody has a past, but if your “friend” is a true friend they will take a step waaaaay back once you get serious with someone. Otherwise their not looking out for your best interest, and what kind of friend is that?

  54. K Even Says:

    good post… off topic..

    my problem is when beautiful, gorgeous, got it goin on women get pregnant by the ugliest rapper alive.. (Lauren London) stop the madness

  55. Very good points, Anna. 😉

    @K Even: Tons of women want him though… I have a slew of friends who’d give him “da bizness.” lol

  56. Anitraclark Says:

    MORE off topic:

    I need to write a poem for spoken word on friday any body got any ideas? im blank

  57. About beauty?

    I didn’t know you wrote, Mik!

  58. Anitraclark Says:

    Nic I used to dabble in poetry for personal pleasure (if u read my very first few post) but some folks i got hip to and became friends with was more about performance, slam etc….. which i wasn’t really into so I got away from writing period.

    But on Friday some of my moms church members do a spoken word night and its mostly people my age. So I think I want to just be random and shock myself with public speaking and poetry all at once lol.

    But i kinda need to do it today so i can have the next few days to practice.

    Beauty is good. lemmie marinate on that.

  59. That’s kinda cool Mikki. I’d love to see what u decide to write on after you read it, of course. 😉

  60. Anitraclark Says:

    But of course!!!

  61. ashbunnie Says:

    I’m so late, I hate being commentator #1000…

    This is a good post. Hubby and I had this problem, almost ended our marriage. I don’t have a problem with the SO having friends of the opposite sex. The problem I hae is when you feel the need to lie about the friendship. if she is your friend, let me meet her and see/feel her out. Women know when women are trying to be more than friends with your man. I’m not the one to tell any man what to do and whom to do it with. You’re grown, so hopefully you can make grown up decisions and know the limits of any friendhsip you have with the opposite sex.

    I am girl who was raised around MEN, so natrually I have nothing but male friends.

  62. ashbunnie Says:

    I’m so late, I hate being commentator #1000…

    This is a good post. Hubby and I had this problem, almost ended our marriage. I don’t have a problem with the SO having friends of the opposite sex. The problem I have is when you feel the need to lie about the friendship. if she is your friend, let me meet her and see/feel her out. Women know when women are trying to be more than friends with your man. I’m not the one to tell any man what to do and whom to do it with. You’re grown, so hopefully you can make grown up decisions and know the limits of any friendhsip you have with the opposite sex.

    I am girl who was raised around MEN, so natrually I have nothing but male friends.
    My man has met them all. Ar first he was skeptical saying things like: he wants to beat I know it. I am a man. They all tried at one point to beat because they started to see me through their hormone shades. To them, I am just lil ole Bunnie Dot (really this is what they call me) & to me, they are my brothers who will whip some ass if I need them too. Their girlfriends however, give me crazy side eye.

    Lastly, I say all of that to say this: when you feel the need to lie about the friend, it is more than a friendship than you think.

    && sidenote, I love how this blog turns into an almost instant message/chatroom kinda forum. Going all off on tangents! Love.

  63. “Women know when women are trying to be more than friends with your man.”

    Amen!

  64. Thanks Ash… we love keeping it relaxed. Kick back, have a glass of lemonade or tea. 😉

  65. Cuzzo Says:

    “To the Ladies have you had or have a male friend who you know would apply if you were available? The ultimate question is: Do you dismiss this friend if you enter into a relationship because you know they have an interest in you?”

    Yes. Still have them as a friend too. He was salty when he found out I became engaged and expressed his longing for me ever since freshman year of college…it was just funny to me. We don’t really talk, just crack on each other on facebook from time to time. I don’t have any strong friendships with any other dudes that could potentially ruin my current relationship.

  66. Athena Nike Says:

    Not really been in the situation myself, but I would not dismiss the friendship. Maybe there is a reason why they are waiting – trying to finish school, get established, whatever. Maybe they are waiting for me to get out of my bad boy or ballers only stage where they will be fully appreciated. Perhaps he’s been in friend zone so long, I’m oblivious to his constant advances. But Friends are hard to come by these days, especially good male friends, so as long as they are respectful I have no problem. I think the original guy, being a guy knows his own. Ain’t no man kickin it with a woman that is not his sister, daughter, cousin on the regular that he ain’t trying to get with some way some how.

  67. J Money Says:

    @Athena: I totally agree with you when you say a man won’t kick it with a woman on the regular unless she is a relative. And I made it a point to tell people a woman they don’t find attractive in some.


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