Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

What Do You Do When… June 15, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — FlawedBeauty @ 9:04 pm

The person you adore is falling apart?  You know what I’m talking about…when nothing seems okay…their world almost seems to be unraveling and Atlas has fallen?  Do you stand idly by and watch it happen and offer them more love than one man or woman can stand?

I feel some kinda way about this…I know it’s bad to be super woman (or is it?)…I say this because I know the power lies within each and every woman here to lift up everything and keep it that way, but maybe I just don’t have that gene…

Lovely, Dark and Deep-A Beautiful Disaster

On the other hand…he is just that a HE and as the king of the proverbial castle isn’t it his job to make sure that the castle and all its inhabitants are taken care of?

So this whole blog post is just one question what do you do when gravity is working against the person you love?  Are you all smiles or are  you concentrating hard to try and help them find a way out of it?

Women, what roles do you take in supporting your spouse, bf, etc.

Men, what kinds of things  would you like to see women do in support of you and your pursuits?  When life is kicking you do you want her to stand by and let you fall or would you prefer her to help you out.

I need your thoughts.

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65 Responses to “What Do You Do When…”

  1. You take on some of their pain when you are consistently trying to save that person from themselves. You cannnot be to everything to everyone. and U can’t save everyone, it’s impossible.

    Take solace in the fact that you can be the support they need if they fall be the hand that helps them back up.

    When rock bottom is hit there is no where to go but up.

  2. Jaci Says:

    @Akua

    I think you are right when you say you take on their pain when you consistently try and save them from themselves. I also know with great certainty that you cannot be everything to everybody, but I think you do reach the point where you get tired of wanting to save everybody…I know I do, but you have to be a worthwhile person for me to want to do it.

    I think when you hit rock bottom there isn’t anywhere to go but up…I know there really isn’t anywhere to go but up…

    The quote he gave me was “you can’t keep a good man down”. I really believe this is true. I am finding though that when you are a good one you tend to forget you’re good-that’s why I try and give them opportunities. I don’t think you should just “x” a dude because he’s going through a hard time.

  3. oh no don’t ex the dude because he’s going through a hard time, everyone has hardships and trials it is a part of being human, Everything God sets before us, obstacles and what have you are to shape us and mold us into who God wants us to be. We are all flawed, so don’t knock a good man because he’s going through some things.
    He may respect you for sticking by him.

    However there is a difference between being a f*ck up
    and being in a tight spot.

    it’s up to you to differeniate.

  4. Jaci Says:

    However there is a difference between being a f*ck up
    and being in a tight spot.

    He’s definitely in a tight spot. All the circumstances hit at once.

  5. Mikki Says:

    My ex was hit a bunch of rough spots at the time we dated. Matter fact hardly anything went right when we dated. It was frustrating especially when the person having the issues can never see the glass half full. I am an avid believer of you are what you speak. Playin captain save em for me was not the business its draining and while i understand the idea of support its more important for the person in need to stay positive and to everything they can on their OWN to make it right.

    I can only do so much

  6. Mikki Says:

    And i also believe when you are seriously going through for long periods of time man or woman we need to find out what we are doing wrong. Most of the time we know what that thing is thats gonna make it right. Could be a person, bad habit, life style ect….

    Cant be scared to step out and get rid of it.

  7. Jaci Says:

    Good Morning Mikster.

    I think when a person refuses to see the glass is half full it’s like ok..wtf is wrong with you? In fact, I’ll even ask that…I did last night and I got there’s no optimism left (in a joking tone). I told him I have enough for the both of us and how all day yesterday I was hoping he’d still have a job and guess what! I talked to him AT HIS JOB.

    That makes support a lot easier in my mind…when you have a sense of humor..a lot of laughing has been happening and I LOVE IT!

    Also, I think you do realize that when nothing goes right you are putting bad stuff out into the universe and I think it’s easy to rectify if you would only realize you’re doing it and a lot of people don’t. Furthermore, if they do they continue living the lie until everything crumbles around them.

  8. Anitra Says:

    I think it’s easy to rectify if you would only realize you’re doing it and a lot of people don’t. Furthermore, if they do they continue living the lie until everything crumbles around them.

    Exactly! This is most def truth and I can relate because it happen to me. So now days I really do try to watch what I put out there!

  9. Jaci Says:

    @Mik

    Me too. I am more conscious of it since I came on the blogs.

  10. K Even Says:

    @ Mikki “I am an avid believer of you are what you speak. Playin captain save em for me was not the business its draining and while i understand the idea of support its more important for the person in need to stay positive and to everything they can on their OWN to make it right.

    I can only do so much” Amen sista…

    “And i also believe when you are seriously going through for long periods of time man or woman we need to find out what we are doing wrong.” Amen again…

    Men, what kinds of things would you like to see women do in support of you and your pursuits? I would like an open minded woman, someone able to float between the corporate party and give me the bznss if i need it. Someone who can deal with my idiosyncrasy of wearing many hats. Its not that i need direction but monotony wears me out. with my many hats many things get accomplished but in the mean time i am annoying myself that i have so much going on that it becomes a contradiction of sorts.

    I dont like enablers… if he is not fulfilling his man role he need to be kicked out. Kobe is Kobe and ur a couch potato.. get it together.. LOL.. (talking bout a family member… I love him but he keeps himself in a rut)

    I dont like sabotogers either… they always speaking some unnecessary evil

    When life is kicking you do you want her to stand by and let you fall or would you prefer her to help you out?
    depends on how hard of a kick we are getting. as long as her helping me doesnt cause her to readjust her life drastically than its ok.

  11. I’ve never had to play a big role in a man’s life in my past, so personally I have no experience in that.

    I imagine I’d handle him like I do everyone else (but really much more than everyone else bc he is my man)- help him in any way that I can and take the reigns for him for a bit, if I could (and if he’d allow it.)

  12. Anitraclark Says:

    “as long as her helping me doesnt cause her to readjust her life drastically than its ok”

    CHURCH!

    I really love this part and I think its key because as much as us women don’t really like to be enablers sometimes its out of pure nature just to help and we can get lost in helping. I would appreciate a man to be like “Babe” pump the breaks let me take care of what I need to.

    “ok sir thank u”

    (goes n kicks up feet and grabs my lemonade)

  13. J Money Says:

    “Men, what kinds of things would you like to see women do in support of you and your pursuits? When life is kicking you do you want her to stand by and let you fall or would you prefer her to help you out.”

    I just want her to be the strong black woman she is and help me in anyway she can (if I allow her). Reason I say if I allow her is because sometimes a man has to feel like a man. That he can stand on his own two feet and get through it. Especially with so many men being dependent on other people these due to spoiling parents or whatever. But I welcome supporting words of encouragement from her and that gets me through most times.

  14. K Even, u made some really good points.

  15. “Reason I say if I allow her is because sometimes a man has to feel like a man. ”

    That’s exactly what I was thinking, J. 😉

  16. Jaci Says:

    @K Even

    Men, what kinds of things would you like to see women do in support of you and your pursuits? I would like an open minded woman, someone able to float between the corporate party and give me the bznss if i need it. Someone who can deal with my idiosyncrasy of wearing many hats. Its not that i need direction but monotony wears me out. with my many hats many things get accomplished but in the mean time i am annoying myself that i have so much going on that it becomes a contradiction of sorts.

    I can definitely understand what you’re saying here. If a woman isn’t versatile I think it makes it difficult for her to make things right and be supportive because how can you be supportive if you can’t be empathetic or sympathetic and if you’re busy being a “diva” that would make it very difficult to deal with a man with idiosyncrasies or wearing many hats 🙂

    I dont like enablers… if he is not fulfilling his man role he need to be kicked out.

    And I think there are a lot of women out there who drastically change their lives to enable a man to be a further failure. Bringing to my next point, K Even…

    depends on how hard of a kick we are getting. as long as her helping me doesnt cause her to readjust her life drastically than its ok.

    Right. I think when it’s multiple hard kicks yes you want her help but you still want your manhood. It’s those tender moments and I think a good portion of it is her having that “quiet understanding”

    Whew!

  17. Jaci Says:

    I would appreciate a man to be like “Babe” pump the breaks let me take care of what I need to.

    “ok sir thank u”

    (goes n kicks up feet and grabs my lemonade)

    @Mik

    Girl, you ain’t never lied. If he can recognize my superwoman costume needs cleaning and that I need a nap in addition to everything else, then I am ever so grateful. And a man whose going through some things who can still do that…oh emm gee as Nick would say…

    Jaci swoooooons….

  18. Anitraclark Says:

    Ok Nic I am into day 9!!!!

    I have on a black babydoll top with kinda sailor buttons on each side i have a teal cami underneath. teal bracelet teal sandals and dark blue skinny jeans!

    that co-worker i been tellin yall about (still isn’t giving me no play) came over to say I looked good, and to tell me he hasn’t been emailing me for the last two days because of training for work.

    I just laugh.

    oh yea and i put the salsa pics on fb

  19. K Even Says:

    @JACI
    Thanks for understanding 🙂

  20. Anitraclark Says:

    “oh emm gee as Nick would say…

    Jaci swoooooons”

    I concur lol

  21. Jaci Says:

    @J Money and Nick

    I just want her to be the strong black woman she is and help me in anyway she can (if I allow her). Reason I say if I allow her is because sometimes a man has to feel like a man. That he can stand on his own two feet and get through it. Especially with so many men being dependent on other people these due to spoiling parents or whatever. But I welcome supporting words of encouragement from her and that gets me through most times.

    Right. This is very important because sometimes women try to take over for men and it’s like hold on for just a second and let me do this on my own and I will say this…that’s what makes the situation easier–If I’m needed he can/will call…if not then I’m breezy 😉

  22. Mikki: U are fabulous. I am very proud of you for keeping this up. 😉

  23. Good Post Jac! Really good post! I am ready through comments and will be back to make commentary.

  24. Anitraclark Says:

    Hey Hollaaaaaaaaay!

  25. Commander Bond aka Humble One Says:

    I have personal experience with this topic. When the economy changed and I fell off I felt like ish. My ex gave me words of encouragement but that was it. I don’t think you should let that person bring you down but at the same time you should support them through what they are going through. You should help them through it. After all what good is being in a relationship when your mate is there only when you are winning? Anything that can give temporary relief to what they are going through I think the man or woman should do. That means sometimes you may have to sacrifice or be inconvenienced. In my situation it would have been nice if she would have done anything to try to raise my spirits. It would have showed that she cared.

  26. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “So this whole blog post is just one question what do you do when gravity is working against the person you love? Are you all smiles or are you concentrating hard to try and help them find a way out of it?”

    Jackson, do you think on some level you maybe have a rescue or Ms. Fix it tendency? I think bad things happen to people. And sometimes life isn’t all fairy dust and lollipops, BUT you can’t come and sprinkle love dust all around and make it better for brother man.. is this the 2520?? Anywhoo…I think the better question could possibly be are you attracted to men who seem constantly defeated by the world, which lets you come in and be Wonder Woman.

    Do you listen carefully on dates? Do you attract men who have a woe is me “gravity” complex? In my opinion real men don’t get constantly weighed down by the world. Shi!t happens. But they are problem solvers not defeatists.

    and don’t get me started on John Mayer’s azz..I hate what he did to Jen Jen..

  27. Jaci Says:

    After all what good is being in a relationship when your mate is there only when you are winning? Anything that can give temporary relief to what they are going through I think the man or woman should do. That means sometimes you may have to sacrifice or be inconvenienced. In my situation it would have been nice if she would have done anything to try to raise my spirits. It would have showed that she cared.

    Hummy:

    We have definitely talked about this…it’s really something interesting esp in this economy how people have had difficulties within their relationships and what they are doing to take care of it. I really wonder how a city like Detroit’s men and women are handling this–your husband is laid off and you’ve got two or three kids and a mortgage…I am sure some of the women are resentful, but I don’t see where you could or should take that out on your man..you just have to be still and let God.

    @Holly

    Hey chick! Still waiting on that comment 🙂

  28. Mikki Says:

    Comeback i co-sign 100%

  29. Jaci Says:

    Jackson, do you think on some level you maybe have a rescue or Ms. Fix it tendency?

    Not really…I think I have a helper’s tendency and a mother’s heart…but I do discern what situations I wanna help with and how I’ll help pretty early on.

    I think bad things happen to people. And sometimes life isn’t all fairy dust and lollipops, BUT you can’t come and sprinkle love dust all around and make it better for brother man.. is this the 2520??

    Life is definitely not all fairy dust and lollipops AND I do think that love dust is not necessary when you know someone has your back…again that quiet understanding. Heh heh heh my lil 2520 (his new nickname is Rox) is doing well 🙂

    Do you listen carefully on dates? Do you attract men who have a woe is me “gravity” complex? In my opinion real men don’t get constantly weighed down by the world. Shi!t happens. But they are problem solvers not defeatists.

    I do! And no I attract men who are go-getters…that is what I was saying about the thing he said to me “you can’t keep a good man down” and that’s the attitude I’m digging…I’m not having to do anything out of the ordinary with Rox–it’s kinda cool 😀

    Whew ! AM I being interviewed?

  30. Jaci Says:

    Oh and re: John and Jen

    I didn’t pay attention to them did he out her on Twitter?

  31. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “Heh heh heh my lil 2520 (his new nickname is Rox) is doing well ”

    So is this about Rox or someone else??..im not tryna be all in your business…

  32. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “I didn’t pay attention to them did he out her on Twitter?”

    Yes bascially he broke up with her on TWITTER…

  33. Jaci Says:

    @CBG

    You’re like the older sister whose never trying to be all in the business but definitely is and didn’t I tell you someone wants to talk to you? I am going to have to meet you on Gchat and yes it is about Rox although he wanted me to blog about the difference between s*x, f*cking and making love…I think that will be next week or today if that’s what we get on to.

  34. Commander Bond aka Humble One Says:

    @Jac

    “I really wonder how a city like Detroit’s men and women are handling this–your husband is laid off and you’ve got two or three kids and a mortgage…I am sure some of the women are resentful, but I don’t see where you could or should take that out on your man..you just have to be still and let God.”

    Either this is happening or men are going into forms of depression. A lot of women don’t understand how bad a man feels when he can’t support himself or handle his business. It can really weigh down on you. With that being said you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, appreciate what you have, and get up get out get yours. You have to be positive and look ahead.

  35. Jaci Says:

    @Hummy

    Either this is happening or men are going into forms of depression. A lot of women don’t understand how bad a man feels when he can’t support himself or handle his business. It can really weigh down on you. With that being said you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, appreciate what you have, and get up get out get yours. You have to be positive and look ahead.

    I do think it can be hurtful when you can’t handle biz and your wife is bytchin…

    What’s the divorce rate up there now? And right, don’t feel sorry but P.U.S.H and know something good will come up soon!

  36. thecomebackgirl Says:

    im on gchat now.

    @ Hummy i can def. get down with the stand by your man thing. And I agree things will happen in relationships. BAD things. People may die, someone could lose their job, SHYT HAPPENS. But in my opinion shyt isn’t supposed to be happening on the constant regular.

    I mean I can be with a man who feels sorry for himself for a few days…but I can see how that would def. drive me away if a man was singing the blues for months or YEARS even.

    It goes back to personal resp. I think things happen to make us pay attention to our lives and either you are listening or making excuses to feel sorry for oneself. I can’t get down wit the later.

  37. Commander Bond aka Humble One Says:

    @Jac

    “I do think it can be hurtful when you can’t handle biz and your wife is bytchin…”

    It’s not always the woman b**chin. Sometimes the man becomes an @ss because he doesn’t know how to handle how he feels. He feels ashamed about his situation and it comes out negatively. The woman is there for support but he s**ts on her and the family.

  38. Commander Bond aka Humble One Says:

    @Comeback

    “I mean I can be with a man who feels sorry for himself for a few days…but I can see how that would def. drive me away if a man was singing the blues for months or YEARS even.

    It goes back to personal resp. I think things happen to make us pay attention to our lives and either you are listening or making excuses to feel sorry for oneself. I can’t get down wit the later.”

    I agree. It takes a lot to ride through a tough spell. I think that someone should have enough capital with you to ride it out. If someone is going through 6 bad months and you have been with them for 2yrs I think they deserve some type of patience from you. If you have to leave fine. But I don’t think you should completely write them off unless it is beyond evident that this who they are and not just a bad stint.

  39. inakeS Says:

    See….this is an interesting topic. I definitely don’t want generalize women but I think that for a lot of women, the idea of “holding down” your mate sounds good until something happens and then you actually need to do it. Many of my experiences have been that women profess that they’re dying for a man to open up about everything; the good and the bad. But when you open up about what’s stressing you, what you’re worrying about, what you’re going through, etc., the women would offer nothing more than a “awww baby, everything will be alright” and then under her breathe mutter (get over it). If I’m sharing my troubles with my girl, I don’t want her to rub my shoulders and buy me ice cream as much as I want her to try and identify with my situation, show some understanding, and then offer whatever advice she deems fit. Sometimes a hug is all it takes, but sometimes you need more.

  40. Jaci Says:

    I mean I can be with a man who feels sorry for himself for a few days…but I can see how that would def. drive me away if a man was singing the blues for months or YEARS even.

    I’m side-eyeing more than a week. There has to be some sunshine in a relationship-there HAS to be.

    He feels ashamed about his situation and it comes out negatively. The woman is there for support but he s**ts on her and the family.

    D@mn that’s rough…it’s almost like if she doesn’t resent you enough then why don’t you be a constant arsehole…Man…I don’t think you should feel ashamed though AGAIN not everything is a man’s fault or can be immediately fixed.

    Personal responsibility is the truth!

  41. “A lot of women don’t understand how bad a man feels when he can’t support himself or handle his business. It can really weigh down on you. With that being said you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, appreciate what you have, and get up get out get yours. You have to be positive and look ahead.”

    Very good point Hummy…. I think the ideal men, the providers, like yourself have that attitude. There are some men that just want complain also though.

  42. Jaci Says:

    I definitely don’t want generalize women but I think that for a lot of women, the idea of “holding down” your mate sounds good until something happens and then you actually need to do it.

    This is a good point…I’ve found that I can tell you right now that I’ll hold you down-get a in a relationship with me and find out that when it’s time to do it I’m going to do it. Anyone I’ve ever dated will tell you that “she’s a good girl to have on your team”, but not all women are there when the money gone types…I think that comes from security within yourself.

    If I’m sharing my troubles with my girl, I don’t want her to rub my shoulders and buy me ice cream as much as I want her to try and identify with my situation, show some understanding, and then offer whatever advice she deems fit. Sometimes a hug is all it takes, but sometimes you need more.

    Right and if it’s a situation where you’re not ready to talk I think she should have the patience and understanding to know that while you might not immediately identify it you eventually will to her and her alone…that’s what intimacy builds off of.

  43. Jaci Says:

    There are some men that just want complain also though.

    Right…instead of going on and trying to do their thing they are like yeah life sucks, I can’t do this and I can’t do that..they never try to climb up the ladder-they just wait til the ladder falls on them.

  44. Commander Bond aka Humble One Says:

    @inakeS

    “See….this is an interesting topic. I definitely don’t want generalize women but I think that for a lot of women, the idea of “holding down” your mate sounds good until something happens and then you actually need to do it. Many of my experiences have been that women profess that they’re dying for a man to open up about everything; the good and the bad. But when you open up about what’s stressing you, what you’re worrying about, what you’re going through, etc., the women would offer nothing more than a “awww baby, everything will be alright” and then under her breathe mutter (get over it). If I’m sharing my troubles with my girl, I don’t want her to rub my shoulders and buy me ice cream as much as I want her to try and identify with my situation, show some understanding, and then offer whatever advice she deems fit. Sometimes a hug is all it takes, but sometimes you need more.”

    Cosign 100%. I also have experienced too many situations where a woman’s support is contingent upon her comfort level or convenience. Not all women are like this. But there are some out there. Sometimes men need more than just cheerleading.

  45. inakeS Says:

    @ Commander Bond aka Humble One

    “Cosign 100%. I also have experienced too many situations where a woman’s support is contingent upon her comfort level or convenience. Not all women are like this. But there are some out there. Sometimes men need more than just cheerleading.”

    I think that this is a neglected area when it comes to “what does a women bring to the table.” If all you can bring to the table in times of crisis are the smile and wink that got us interested, something ain’t right. The 2-way street of a relationship has speed bumps on both sides. It just seems like it’s cool for women to slow down and take their bumps nice and slow, but men are supposed to just cruise over our speed bumps at the same speed we’ve been traveling.

  46. peyso Says:

    I have one line for when things go wrong. An old white man told me this “Setbacks pave the way for comebacks”

  47. K Even Says:

    @ Commander Bond aka Humble One
    “I also have experienced too many situations where a woman’s support is contingent upon her comfort level or convenience.”

    wow.. dont think ive run into this one yet… or myb i wasnt paying attention lol..

    Everyone wants to be catered to differently and as long as you know yourself you can have your SO nurture you how you see fit..

  48. Jaci Says:

    I think that this is a neglected area when it comes to “what does a women bring to the table.” If all you can bring to the table in times of crisis are the smile and wink that got us interested, something ain’t right. The 2-way street of a relationship has speed bumps on both sides. It just seems like it’s cool for women to slow down and take their bumps nice and slow, but men are supposed to just cruise over our speed bumps at the same speed we’ve been traveling.

    I think this is a d@mn good analogy!

    I also think you’re right women expect to be able to slow down take a break, a day off and go to the spa when something is wrong but they feel a man should be able to skip right over his like it’s no biggie…and hold himself down as well as her…?

    It’s really not fair…what are somethings that the men think women need to bring to the table other than a coke and a smile?

  49. Jaci Says:

    @Peyso

    I’ma beat you.

    @K Even

    Nice pic and welcome to the pic fam why don’t you bring Hummy over with you.
    And yes, we all like to be catered to differently that’s in knowing a person and really listening to them and checking out how they do things. 😉

  50. inakeS Says:

    @ Jaci

    “It’s really not fair…what are somethings that the men think women need to bring to the table other than a coke and a smile?”

    I honestly hate listing things about people, mostly because I don’t want to be judged against a list. What I will say is that an open mind is a strong quality for a women or anyone to bring into a relationship. Humility and the ability to to accept that what you thought you knew may not be right and what you swore was right may not be applicable allows the growth of not only the person but the relationship as well.

  51. Mikki Says:

    I have to say from my prospective most woman (not all) dont have much time to sulk because we are the main care givers. So i feel like when a man is goin through a rough patch it shouldnt take months or weeks for u to rebound. That woe is me is for the birds when u have mouths to feed. Im all for support like a said but when as a woman do you draw the line n say gtfoohwtbs.

    If i see u tryin ie goin to cut some grass help an old lady clean house, wash some windows in the mean or even just give ME some help, i will be ride or die but when u up on that ” the man is keepin me down talk”after some months imma peace u out.

  52. Mikki Says:

    If i cut out a job ad i dont wanna hear back talk about this n that. Sometimes when we try to help yall take it as naggin or being to much involved so sometimes a “baby its ok” is all we can do without gettin thw cold shoulder

  53. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “I have to say from my prospective most woman (not all) dont have much time to sulk because we are the main care givers. So i feel like when a man is goin through a rough patch it shouldnt take months or weeks for u to rebound. That woe is me is for the birds when u have mouths to feed. Im all for support like a said but when as a woman do you draw the line n say gtfoohwtbs. ”

    I agree this goes back to how black males are protected and coddled primarily with their mothers. It don;t take all day to feel sorry for yourself. Sometimes you gotta cry yourself a river…but im no one’s momma…I mean as a woman I can encourage. And do all the other regular care taking things I would do for a family.

    but a man’s job is not to sit around and mope and feel sorry for himself…go home to momma if you need that kind of shoulder to lean on.

  54. Shawnta` Says:

    Hey, y’all. Sorry I’m just now getting over here.

    Great (but tough) topic.

    I try to “play my position” and just be supportive and encouraging. I don’t try to fix it because I’ve found that he just wants my advice and is open to suggestions…mainly he wants me to listen. I try to be optimistic for him when he is unable to see that things will get better and as my grandma says “trouble don’t last always”. Some of the comments mentioned this and it’s so true, a man has to be and feel like a man. He usually doesn’t want a woman fixing things for him because that makes him feel like less than a man. I agree that there shouldn’t be a pity party and a woe is me or defeatus attitude because life does go on and he has to keep it moving. The world doesn’t stop long enough for him to pull it together. I try to be encouraging and ask if he wants to talk about it. I see it as we are a team and in it together. If he hurts, I hurt. If he takes a hit or suffers a loss, I take a hit or suffer a loss. I know that I can’t be everything to him and I know that I can’t let his personal battles or demons take me down so I definitely depend on my faith to help me keep a balance. I never question his manhood or his ability to be a good husband and provider. That only makes things worse and what a woman says to a man has major impact. Bad things will happen and sometimes those bad things all hit at once. But the important thing for him to remember is that it won’t always be like this. Things will change. Things will get better.

  55. Commander Bond aka Humble One Says:

    @Comeback & Mikki

    I understand where you guys are coming from. How do you as women expect to for men to never feel low for no longer than a few days and yet be affectionate toward you. Would you expect the same treatment?

  56. Jaci Says:

    I honestly hate listing things about people, mostly because I don’t want to be judged against a list. What I will say is that an open mind is a strong quality for a women or anyone to bring into a relationship. Humility and the ability to to accept that what you thought you knew may not be right and what you swore was right may not be applicable allows the growth of not only the person but the relationship as well.

    Not a problem…I just want to see some ideas that we as women could work on because I think the ability to take constructive criticism is another one to bring.

    I have to say from my prospective most woman (not all) dont have much time to sulk because we are the main care givers.

    That’s true too. We don’t really get a lot of down time though I just had a wonderful nap while the kids played on the floor. Anyways, so yeah I think that women and men need to sit down and have strong lay it all on the table conversations about what role each person is expected to take in a relationship.

    I agree this goes back to how black males are protected and coddled primarily with their mothers. It don;t take all day to feel sorry for yourself. Sometimes you gotta cry yourself a river…but im no one’s momma…I mean as a woman I can encourage. And do all the other regular care taking things I would do for a family.

    but a man’s job is not to sit around and mope and feel sorry for himself…go home to momma if you need that kind of shoulder to lean on.

    And you might have some serious flack from this, but you are definitely right. Much like a lot of things it does not take all d@mn day to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and keep walking.

    This kinda reminds me of three lines from Army Wives and take from them what you will…

    “Show me the mother and I’ll show you the child” which was a take on “Show me the friend and I’ll show you the man”

    And

    “Take a deep breath and keep walking”

    If you examine the way first two work surely you’ll find whether it’s worth your time or not…be careful though with the mother and child because sometimes the mother might show you a child as the opposite.

  57. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “I understand where you guys are coming from. How do you as women expect to for men to never feel low for no longer than a few days and yet be affectionate toward you. Would you expect the same treatment?”

    I guess I don’t really know. I’ve only dated one man who was on a feel sorry for me campaign…and I sometimes think he boardered on depression. But I guess thats not really relevant to this topic. I think that women like Mik said have HAD to be caretakers and providers so much so, we’ve never had a real chance to feel bad or down for long. Imagine if a single mother was down longer than a few days. HER FAMILY WOULD NOT EAT.

    Its been so ingrained in me to make it happen..and be down after 5 or on the weekend..that it just isn’t in me. Im about solutions. Im about learning about why my life doesn’t work and fixing it. And those are the men who i attract.

    To me its a life view. Now there are women out here with mother’s hearts..and thats all fine and dandy…but from my observation and being surrounded with alot of men growing up..men didn’t marry the woman witht he mother’s heart..or he didnt stay with her for very long.

  58. Jaci Says:

    @Shawnta

    I have explicated all day long. And your post quite frankly is so eloquently written until i simply couldn’t. I understand exactly what you’ve said throughout your post…I believe that a man and woman can be a team and that they can make things right together but you have to understand what makes your man feel like THE man.

    Thank you for the wonderful advice and explanation. And on to Hummy’s question:

    @Hummy

    I understand where you guys are coming from. How do you as women expect to for men to never feel low for no longer than a few days and yet be affectionate toward you. Would you expect the same treatment?

    Hmm…I can’t say I don’t expect you to not feel low, but what I do expect is for you to understand that the world DOES go on. As far as affection goes, I always want it, but I do understand if you don’t feel like kissing me, holding my hand or rubbing my feet. I can’t expect you to want to show me love when you feel like crap.

    And here’s where I think men and women differ. I think women want affection when they feel down. I think men want to be alone and have space. But again there’s a comfortable dichotomy here and with the right person I think you can grow and expand.

    @TheCBG

    Right. Having to make it happen is one of those things that you just really have to do. I know I definitely have moments where I can give less than a frogs foot about my job, but it pays the bills so I have to be able to go in there with a “smile” on my face.

    That’s what women do…with inner turmoil, cramps and a cold…and smile like everything is going perfect and that’s where MAC and Bare Minerals and Mary Kay make their money 😉

  59. Ms. Eighty's Baby Says:

    Great post Jac!!!!!! & Great comments everybody 😉

    But I’ll just kind of feed off of him to see what stance I need to take. Because if you took the time to get to know that person then you should be able to distinguish the role you need to take. Within my own experience if he was being a chatterbox about the situation then I would just listen because I know he’s just venting…… But if it’s something that needs immediate results I’m like what you need me to do if he allows it…… But most importantly my role would be just to be there whether it’s physical, emotionally, financially, or etc.

    Women, what roles do you take in supporting your spouse, bf, etc.

  60. Ms. Eighty's Baby Says:

    Ooops I meant to delete this line from my post above:
    Women, what roles do you take in supporting your spouse, bf, etc.

  61. V Renee Says:

    Great post Jac! I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t already been stated.

  62. No. Says:

    I agree with 80’s. If you know your man you will know what to do and when to do it. If you dont know then ask. Most men have no problem giving direction. Usually the best thing is to let the man handle his stuff but just remind him you are there if he needs you and dont press the issue too much, a mature man can usually work it out with time and at least be able to ask for help if necessary.

  63. Jaci Says:

    Because if you took the time to get to know that person then you should be able to distinguish the role you need to take.

    And that’s what’s kept me laughing instead of mother henning.

    @ No

    Hey punkin! Thanks for the comment…now tell me how do you support her?

  64. Ms. Sula Says:

    Like many things in life, it all depends on the nature of the person and the nature of the relationship.

    I have been in cases where I have stood by the sidewalk because the person responded better to that technique and/or the relationship had not yet reached the level where I had to go all out. I have also been there for my man helping to ease his burden anyways I could and help find the strength within.

    It also depends on the nature of the predicament they are in. If it’s something that their negligence and/or poor choices and/or procrastination etc has put them in, they will have to fully experiment the consequences of their actions. I believe people mature more when they are struggling, and it’s probably their opportunities to grow and mature.

    To sum up, it depends: on the nature of the person (introvert vs. extrovert, thinker vs. doer, etc..), on the nature of the relationship (early stages? Troubled spot? Engaged? Marriage), and on the nature of the problem/predicament (criminal stuff? Losing a job because he did something crazy? Or losing a close relative? Being sick, etc…)


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