Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

I am NOT the father June 23, 2009

So, Father’s Day has come and gone. And I received 4 “Happy Father’s Day” text messages from well-meaning friends. I don’t know when it became cool to start calling our mothers our fathers because they’ve done everything for us (those from single-parent homes) Yes, she may have done everything…and I do everything for my son, but….mother’s can never replace fathers. There is a bond and a different feeling you have towards your father, that you cannot have with your mother. I did not have my father in my life for the majority of it. We spoke a little. I knew who he was. To many of my siblings (who I feel are bitter that he wasn’t there) he’s Fred….to me he’s dad. There’s just something there that’s unexplainable and reach’s beyond his lack of parenting as I was growing up. Maybe I’m just more forgiving because you can’t change the past but you can work towards a better future.

I don’t think anyone if given the choice of having both parents instead of one…would choose to have their mother parent them alone. Though I am not marrying the father of my child, I can only hope that my son’s father would remain in his life in the fatherly capacity. I never experienced a step-dad so I don’t know how my son will feel towards my future husband. I feel like the blood bonds you. I have family members that I did not grow up with but care about just off the strength that we are connected through blood. Ones that I CAN’T STAND but love regardless.

My bigger and main point is mother’s…all mother’s…single, surrogate, and what not…have their day. Whether they’re “playing” all the roles or not…they have their day. Leave the father’s day to acknowledge the father’s that embody the word and not water it down to make mother’s who do it all by themselves feel comfortable about it. It’s been proven that it can be done, but no one WANTS to do it by themselves.

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83 Responses to “I am NOT the father”

  1. I agree with you… I mean we don’t go around wishing single fathers (and there are some out there) happy Mother’s Day on that special day.

  2. Mikki Says:

    nic thats because you dont see many single fathers if many at all. I am one of those bitter ones not towards my own father because he is no longer alive but those men who dont have to wake up in the middle of the night when a kid is sick and the list goes on. im in no way sayin a mother could ever replace a dad but i am gonna say thank you to my mom a million times over for what she did do if people think its silly so be it.

  3. If you want to thank your mom, that’s totally your perogative… What I’m saying, and I think what Cuzzo is saying, single mothers should not EXPECT that on FATHER’S DAY. Because it’s meant for the Father’s.

    I know of single fathers, and my point is, they are doing their thing just as well as the single mothers and we don’t wish them Happy Mother’s Day. 😉

  4. Mikki Says:

    Nic maybe i read to fast but i didnt see anything about expecting it. If i missed it then clearly u are right cuz thats silly. I got my moms flowers on fathers day, nothin big but it was just another reminder of how much she did do. She thought it was sweet but didnt make a big deal about it and i was cool.

    Again if i know od men i will give props and uplift them but there are a lotta silly crazy things we do that arent so called normall but we do them anyways…

    *wink wink*

  5. Mik it was something on her facebook status yesterday. I think Cuz deleted it tho!

  6. 80's Baby Says:

    I don’t think I’m watering down the day because I choose to tell one of my best friend’s happy father’s day even though she’s a woman. In my case my friend has no choice but to be comfortable in her role as being both the mother and father to her child. I know it’s cliche but the situation is what it is as a result of his actions. And she is both roles to her daughter.

    I think the fathers who are walking around with their chests poked out on father’s day when they know they aren’t taking care of their responsibilities is what’s watering down the day.

  7. Mikki Says:

    Oooh ok! I was gonna say cuz i am readin from my phone lol i do be missin stuff!

  8. Shawn Smith Says:

    I don’t have any children but for the past few years my mother jokily sent me cards because of how I take care of my two dogs. I treat them like children.

    This year she did something different. She told me that when she thought about what card to send she began to think about all of the things that I did for her over the past year (helped her buy a car, sending her money, paid for her trip to come visit, listening when she needed an ear, offering to help other family members financially, etc..) and she said that what I did was more fatherly than the majority of men that she knew in her life. She wrote some very sweet words to describe how she felt and how proud she was of me.

    It was one of the sweetest gestures that she has ever done for me.

    So, maybe fathers day isn’t always about the man with natural children, but those that portray themselves as positive, caring, providing men too.

  9. J Money Says:

    I agree with Cuzzo to let Father’s have their day. My mom raised me and when Father’s Day came around, I never gave her anything because she played a dual role. I think it is something that is done to make single mom feel better about being a single mom. I am not saying that it is a bad thing because some women need the extra encouragement but the necessity for is my question. And I am sure everyone knows someone who is handling his responsibilities as a father so why not concentrate the energy on uplifting him.

  10. Mikki Says:

    80’s gurl lemmie tell ya my brothers dad came to my moms church for the first time in his life tryin to act like he did somethin my brother mimed that day ( dad missed it) but after church he was up in folks face tambout thats my son…

    I wanted to say boy bye!

  11. Mikki Says:

    Shawn thats sweet!

  12. ” tell ya my brothers dad came to my moms church for the first time in his life tryin to act like he did somethin my brother mimed that day ( dad missed it) but after church he was up in folks face tambout thats my son…”

    LMAO. Shut up! Father’s Day attendance at my church was so low.

  13. 80's Baby Says:

    80’s gurl lemmie tell ya my brothers dad came to my moms church for the first time in his life tryin to act like he did somethin my brother mimed that day ( dad missed it) but after church he was up in folks face tambout thats my son…

    I wanted to say boy bye!

    @Mik…… OKAY!!!!!!!! See chest poked out for no reason……A wonderful example of someone who’s watering down the day.

  14. Shawn Smith Says:

    My mom floored me the other day talking about Father’s Day and church.

    My uncle is the pastor of the church, my uncle raised 10 children on just his income alone. He and my aunt separated a few years ago (for reasons unknown to me, but I doubt he cheated) and his kids have children of their own now.

    None of them did anything special for him for Father’s Day.

    I only wished that I had a Father like him. With 10 kids, every year they got EVERYTHING that they wanted for Christmas and birthdays. They were raised right but none of them really made anything of themselves (so far).

    Preacher’s Kids.

    Meanwhile my ….. doner and I haven’t talked for over 10 years despite me making efforts to reach out to him. When I graduated from college 10 yrs ago I said that was the last straw and that I would leave it up to him to reach out to me. But I guarantee he’s telling his friends how well “his son” turned out.

  15. “graduated from college 10 yrs ago I said that was the last straw and that I would leave it up to him to reach out to me. But I guarantee he’s telling his friends how well “his son” turned out.”

    I really can’t blame you for sticking a fork in it, Shawn. I have a friend in your same situation.

  16. Mikki Says:

    Shawn my brothers dad does that all the time!

  17. cuzzo Says:

    Good Morning,

    “Mik it was something on her facebook status yesterday. I think Cuz deleted it tho!” Yea, I’ll post it here but I had to delete it cause I was putting my cousin on blast and I didn’t wanna be feuding with her in such a public forum.

    What my cousin said on FB on Father’s Day: ” HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO ALL THE MEN WHO ARE WORTHY OF BEING A FATHER………SINGLE PARENT WOMEN THINK SOMEONE SHOULD TELL THEM HAPPY FATHERS DAY FOR A DAY THAT IS NOT FOR THEM…….YOU CHOSE TO BE A SINGLE PARENT AND A BABY MAMA SO PLS DONT BE MAD AT THE WORLD …….HAHHAHAHAHA”

    followed by this in the comments after someone told her it wasn’t nice: “IT IS NICE AND IT IS TRUTH….SO FUCK THE BITCHES THAT DONT LIKE IT LOL……”

    nooooooooooow, I went off and told her it wasn’t THE truth, it was HER insane truth. No one CHOOSES to be a single parent…coming from a single parent that is NOT mad at the world as she seems to think.

    I deleted my comment and my blasting her in my status on FB cause I didn’t want to go back an forth with someone so damn ignorant. She’s truly a jack ass. But, that’s my cousin from my father’s side, whom I just met for her father’s funeral last year. Why this bitch (Even from the first time I met her…and I met her with my son in tow) STAY talking about she doesn’t want to be anyone’s baby mother??? She wants a husband first. Who the hell wanna f*ck with your ugly @ss anyway????

  18. “deleted my comment and my blasting her in my status on FB cause I didn’t want to go back an forth with someone so damn ignorant”

    MAN!!! U can’t argue with fools.

  19. Ms. Eighty's Baby Says:

    SINGLE PARENT WOMEN THINK SOMEONE SHOULD TELL THEM HAPPY FATHERS DAY FOR A DAY THAT IS NOT FOR THEM…….YOU CHOSE TO BE A SINGLE PARENT AND A BABY MAMA SO PLS DONT BE MAD AT THE WORLD

    @Cuzzo……. This comment is beyonde crazy!!!!! But I don’t think any of the single women I know expect for people to tell them Happy Father’s Day…….

  20. miss t-lee Says:

    “thats because you dont see many single fathers if many at all.”

    My brother is a single father to my 14 year old nephew. He has raised him by himself since he was 5. I know it’s not the norm, but please don’t say there aren’t many fathers out there doing this. There are more than you think. I honored him on Sunday (as well as my Dad).

    I think you said it right cuzzo, I don’t have any children, but it’s been my experience (from friends and family) who are raising kids alone, it was not what they planned, and if they could do it all over again, they most deinitely would be coupled up.

  21. Shawn Smith Says:

    One of the quotes at my desk: “Don’t argue with at fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.”

  22. “One of the quotes at my desk: “Don’t argue with at fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.””

    Exactly!!!

  23. Mikki Says:

    Wow ok cuzzo now i understand it. She was way out of line. Like 80’s said i dont even know any single moms who expect somethin on fathers day. If they do somethin is clearly wrong.

    But yea nobody makes a choice to be a single parent. Truth told there are some married women that do it alone. Its the action that makes it so.

  24. Mikki Says:

    Miss t my comment wasnt meant to offend i know there are fathers out there. I personally dont know any so please dont take it as me sayin they dont exist but for me they dont and i dont have plans to put out an apb tryin to locate some so i can give thanks. But for the folks that know the good fathers by all means do what u do.

  25. cuzzo Says:

    I LIKE THAT QUOTE SHAWN! Going up on my Facebook status.

    “Truth told there are some married women that do it alone. Its the action that makes it so.”

    Yes Mik. I’ve seen it, I’ve heard it. And I told her that the first time I saw her and she was on that bullsh@t. Being married don’t always make a difference.

  26. Mikki Says:

    Cuzzo exactly!

  27. REIGN Says:

    I was thinking the same thing on Sunday but said thanks anyway. I have a son too and there is absolutely no way I can take the place or make up for the lack of a father. I have seven uncles and many guy friends that do those fatherly things for him because I can not, I’m a woman, a mother. I don’t know how to grow a boy up to be a man, I can do my best to give him tools to help him, but a father I am not.

    Shawn: “When I graduated from college 10 yrs ago I said that was the last straw and that I would leave it up to him to reach out to me. But I guarantee he’s telling his friends how well “his son” turned out.”

    My sons fathers’ frat brothers tell me he goes around doing the same thing, and they know he ain’t done nada. Making himself look even worse.

  28. No More Says:

    But yea nobody makes a choice to be a single parent.

    Yes they do. If you know for a fact that the dude you are f***in with has zero intentions on being there if you have a child, he is not mature or responsible, and you basically tell your girls he aint sh!t, and you still lay up with the ni&&a raw dog w/o BC then yes, you basically made a choice to be an SP. And this happens all the time.

  29. peyso Says:

    I aint got shit to say about this. However, I think it is a trend, at least in my hood, for men taking care of they kids. Do ya see the same thing?

    My parents were almost always divorced/seperated and I’ve always had em both in my life. That’s my biggest blessing

  30. Mikki Says:

    Nono i quit u!

  31. cuzzo Says:

    I disagree with you nomo. Even though that same woman says “that negro ain’t isht” she still has a glimmer of hope that he will change once a baby is brought into the picture. Even if he already has kids, she hopes that THEIR child will be treated differently. NO ONE wants to do it alone. The only people who hear saying I want a baby no matter what are those silly little girls on Maury.

    In the case you stated…the woman/man has unprotected sex knowing the possible outcome…even though they know the possible outcome…it’s still not INTENDED.

  32. Rob Says:

    unlike peyso, i gots plenty to say bouts this. FIRST PLEASE NOTE THAT I COMMEND ANYONE WHO IS A GOOD PARENT TO A CHILD. ANYONE!

    @cuzzo re: ” No one CHOOSES to be a single parent…coming from a single parent that is NOT mad at the world as she seems to think.”

    such is the case. you choose to take the chance to be a “single parent” everytime you take the risk of getting pregnant, by either having sex at all or having unprotected sex. condoms and bc work 99.9&% of the time . . . idiots who use the pull out method have a far worse average. so if you’re not doing what it takes (ie, not having sex, having protected sex, delaying sex till marriage) you’re making the choice at the chance of becoming a FAR TOO OFTEN GLAMOURIZED single parent. single parents should be encouraged for being a PARENT not for making poor decisions that requires that you do it by yourself.

    Father’s Day should be a celebration of FATHERHOOD and not be watered down with praises to single mothers for playing both roles. No matter how valiant a performance they put on, there are plenty of FATHERS who deserve to be glorified for their roles as FATHERS just as we do for our MOTHERS on Mother’s Day. Perhaps if we glorified, held high, praise and applaud the roles of both FATHERHOOD and MOTHERHOOD as much as we do Lebron and Beyonce we would have a culture of children who grew up saying, “when I grow up, I want to be the best dad/mom that i could be to my child” . . . . along with wanting to be like Mike!

    And trust I am one who despises men who don’t do right by their children and perhaps more importantly, look forward to being a exemplary father to mine. (see: http://bewareofcrazythoughts.blogspot.com/2008/11/you-should-hope-to-aim-to-be-second.html or http://bewareofcrazythoughts.blogspot.com/2009/01/long-letter-to-my-not-yet-concieved-son.html).

    We focus so much on the reactive to our community issues versus the proactive.

    Sorry for the mini-rant! LOL.

  33. Rob Says:

    re: “Truth told there are some married women that do it alone. Its the action that makes it so.”

    excluding the dude that totally flips the script on you in marriage, where these discussions and expectations not had before marriage? was it not plain and clear that we swapping out getting up in the middle of the night, taking the kids to camp/dance class etc. where is the communication before the I do? I’m married and I am fully aware that mine wife ain’t having that . . . why . . . because it was made clear!

  34. I agree with Rob’s comment.

  35. I also agree with No… WE need to be more responsible of who we lay down with. NO method is 100% besides refraining.

    And I also agree with Cuzzo, no one PLANS to be a single parent,

    BUT like Rob said, “such is the case. you choose to take the chance to be a “single parent” everytime you take the risk of getting pregnant”

  36. crazyone Says:

    I am a single father and on the rare occasion that someone wishes me a happy Mother’s Day I politely let them know that I am not a mother just a father doing his best. The thing is when you hear a woman or man wanting credit on both Father’s and Mother’s Day they usually don’t realize the importance of both genders in a child’s upbringing. I am not a woman so I make sure there are positive loving women in both my son’s and daughter’s life. On Mother’s Day we pay tribute to those women and celebrate the life of their mother.

  37. No More Says:

    I know Cuzzo. Its not intended…but a bad decision is still a choice, intended or not.

  38. Rob Says:

    @ crazyone re: “The thing is when you hear a woman or man wanting credit on both Father’s and Mother’s Day they usually don’t realize the importance of both genders in a child’s upbringing.”

    in addition, I would add that the focus of those claims are perhaps more rooted at discrediting (amd making a fool of) the absent father versus lifting up the mother. they aren’t to praise the mother for doing a daddy’s role. that can’t be done. no mom is going to be able to teach their son to shave (hopefully..lol), be able to relate to what it feels likes to approach a girl as a young adolescent boy, deal with the male pressures and societal expectations that men uniquely deal with alone, etc. (and neither can a man do this for his daughter as crazyone stated).basically, those persons who are ACTING as if they are showering praise to the Mother are on some daddy aint ish, aint never been ish and u done had to do his job which makes him a horrible person. again, retroactive.

    the proactive should’ve happened way before. my wife and i have had several discussions regarding the (God forbid) occurence that we don’t make it as a husband and wife team. if their are children present, our relationship becomes about them and not us. those PROACTIVE discussions make it clear that no matter what happens in our marriage, our children will ALWAYS have two parents. And we aint even trying to have shorties yet!

  39. yo,

    Mothers day is mothers day. Fathers day is fathers day. Wishing a single mother “happy fathers day” makes about as much sense as wishing a Christian “happy rosh hashanah”

    I agree in that there are certain things a mother brings to the table, and certain things a father does. They should all be recognized as such. I’m not big on parents who say “i had to play the mother and the father” Single parents play their own role, just have to play it more. Which is glorious, cause kids are tough.

    and yes, it is a choice. everything is a choice. Even inaction is a choice.

  40. Lovely Paradox Says:

    Personally, I don’t think it’s the thing to do. Wishing single mothers, a Happy Father’s day. They are not fathers, they are single mothers who are doing all they can to raise their children. What this message does is sending the perception that one parent can be everything to a child which is clearly not the case.

    I tend to agree with No More. A bad decision is still a choice and we need to understand that every action has a reaction. Basic cause and consequence. Do people wish Happy Father’s day to widows? They are single mothers as well, aren’t they? I think the idea behind seems to come from spiting the “uncapable” men in those ladies’ life… Besides, there are always two sides to a story and if a woman knew the man was not capable of taking the role of father and still “hoped” that a baby will change things, she should accept that her chances of being a single parent are 5 to 1.

    Like my grandma used to say, you’re solely responsible for your ovaries… don’t let a ring, a promise, or money tell you any different.

    But by any means, it’s anybody prerogative to wish a Happy Father’s day to their single mothers. And by the way, single dads do exist. I know some of them… I just realized that I know more single fathers than mothers… Interesting.

  41. Mikki Says:

    Well said crazyone.

    Rob you raise a great point. People dont spent much time gettin to know eachother grantes there are some folks whi can pull a 360 but most of the time u get to see the real deal after a while. But we all about pleasure first and dealin with what ever else later.

    My bestie is dating a dude that basically raised his wifes child since she was a baby. She is a teen now but they are separated 10 years later. To me blood or not that is still her father but now he treats her as if she never had a place in his life. To me this is when she needs him the most but he doesnt see that.

    My friend doesnt see an issue either but trust me i see these as warning signs as to what she got to look forward to.

  42. Mikki Says:

    Futher more i didnt say it to my mom to say f my daddy, it was again thank u for doin it in spite of my absent father. We all got common sense enough to know u cant be both but had she abandon her role as a parent period, which some women have done, i would be a lost child. I never wanted to take the day from a good dad i just wanted to have another reason ti praise my momma!

    To much though into it if ya ask me.

  43. Rob Says:

    @Mikki: ” To me blood or not that is still her father but now he treats her as if she never had a place in his life. ”

    i agree, and this may be harsh, but again these “adults” are acting more about themselves than the children (is this a recent, as in less than two years break up he went through? for the now teenager’s mom, was that her first or second marriage?). undoubtedly, people will be people.

    i revert to the point i made about us making a proactive decision to make within our culture and community the roles of fatherhood/motherhood so significant that no matter when you assume them, it’s something you must stick through. there will always be outliers though.

    and marriage is only a promise, which can be broken. being real and discusing that promise often and regularly and WITH THE INTENT TO MAKE THAT PROMISE MORE SOLID(not to throw the promise in someones face for self interested reasons) is what’s make that promise sound . . .or sound as any promise can be.

  44. Mikki Says:

    rob i got lost in the promise speech lol.

    They just separated a few months ago both their first marriage

  45. Rob Says:

    @Mikki:

    exactly. i knew this without being to. so they’re dealing with the leftover emotions of that relationship still (fyi, tell your girl to stop dating this dude cause things may not be over yet). trust, if that young teenager “needed” him (as in needed him to take immediate action), he probably would act.

    regarding the first marriage thing. this is what i was talking about the “choice” to be a single parent. when the mother laid down with the man before the man your bestie is dating, she made that “choice”. that “choice” set off a multitude of “cause and consequence . . action and reaction” which can also be referred to as . . . HER LIFE!

    so beating up the man for “not being the father” when he isn’t the biological anyway gets us nowhere, that again is a “choice” that he will have to deal with (one that he will probably live up to down the road if he has developed a true relationship with the youngin).

    again, people, undoubtedly will be people.

  46. cuzzo Says:

    This may be for another day but you really only make the choice to be a single parent, or a parent at all, AFTER you learn you are pregnant or expecting. We have options in this day and age. I do not agree with abortion as birth control (meaning getting pregnant multiple times and always getting an abortion) but like I said, a woman makes the choice after.

  47. Mikki Says:

    True rob u are on point on this so i cant be mad at dude but its still sad. They use the girl as a go between to get info. I know there are still feels and they both hide it well.

    He keeps tellin my bestie he cant afford a divorce…

    She even offered to loan him the funds and he wouldnt take it. Yea he still love his wife!

  48. J Money Says:

    My thing is if it were a single father would he be wished a Happy Mother’s Day and would he even consider it to be acceptable. I think most people would not say that to a single father.

  49. Rob Says:

    @cuzzo: why can’t we decide not to be a parent BEFORE we get pregnant (please note that I use the word WE cause we, men and women, should be thinking about this). Has something changed? Can people not bone w/o getting knocked up these days. It used to be possible. . . . I call it. . . College!

  50. cuzzo Says:

    Rob…why is it called college? I know several ppl who got pregnant IN college. It’s called a vasectomy/mastectomy actually, lol.

    Oh yea…it’s also called, Plan B…Loestrin, the Pill, IUD…

  51. Rob Says:

    @jmoney: oh you ain’t heard, a woman can do everything a man can do, but a man can’t do everything a woman can do. lol. attempts at acting as if gender and gender roles aren’t existent as hinted to earlier is why we have this assinine notion to wish Mothers happy Fathers day.

  52. cuzzo Says:

    I’ve wished a single father…the ONLY one I know, happy mother’s day. That was before I developed these feelings about having the day’s belong to whom they are meant for, of course.

  53. Rob Says:

    @cuzzo: it’s called college for me cause that’s where it went down! Lol. Actually it’s called being smart. How many times have to heard, “girl I was on the pill, he had on a condom and I wasn’t even having sex and I still got pregnant”. Choose not to get prego. And if you can’t, get married before you open the trap!

    And I’m not talking the outlier, I’m under the bell curve on this one. Take some PROACTIVE consideration and well have a lot less of these instances and occcurrences.

  54. cuzzo Says:

    @JMoney

    I think because of gender roles, it would be less acceptable to the man, the single father himself to be told Happy Mother’s Day…like it’s emasculating. Mommy’s were always the one’s kissing the boo boo’s and Dad’s the one’s sayin’ MAN UP, lol. Your mommy was supposed to make the cakes and your daddy was supposed to hand out the butt whoopings.

  55. cuzzo Says:

    “And if you can’t, get married before you open the trap!”

    All the conversations in the world, cannot guarantee you to how each person is going to handle parenting.

    @Rob
    So, you’re all about abstinence….no sex until marriage?

  56. J Money Says:

    @Rob – I hear ya loud n clear

    @Cuzzo – I feel you but think about how much single mother’s are glorified but a single dad. They exist, are so far and few but the praise and recognition for them is almost nonexistent. I thought that things that are not the norm would be recognized

    If 20 people single parents were in a room and 1 was a man…shouldnt he get a standing ovation?? I’m just saying.

  57. My brain just conjured up a question: Is recognizing single parents the same thing as applauding a man for taking care of his child? Is that what they are supposed to do?

  58. Rob Says:

    @cuzzo: I promise you, there are things that we DONT talk about before we lay it down. We can speak on the phone all night about how well put it on a dude/chick as we move down that flirty path but not one convo before insertion regarding how much you gonna put on this child rearing for the next 18yrs if the oops happens! That’s foolish.

    And hells no I’m not PERSONALLY for abstinence. I was taught you don’t buy a car w/o a yet drive! But I’m also 31 with no offspring, so I know that it’s possible! But people aren’t smart enough to keep themselves from being prego, then perhaps you should avoid the pole or hole for that matter.

  59. cuzzo Says:

    @JMoney
    “If 20 people single parents were in a room and 1 was a man…shouldnt he get a standing ovation?? I’m just saying.”

    He would get a standing ovation…and you know why? Though it exists, it’s not the norm to see or hear about. It’s like nowadays you expect to hear a woman is taking care of her child(ren) by herself. But if a dude is like I’m a single parent…eyes are WIDE OPEN! You get, oh word, u take care of your seed like you’re supposed to…that’s what’s up.

    I feared no man would want me because I was a single parent. But men, ya’ll do not have this problem…if a women knows you are taking care of your child, it’s like she’s more open (except those of you who’ve mentioned ya’ll want all the attn, lol). You see a man playing with his kid in the park, it’s like awwww. You see a woman…it’s whatever – an everyday site.

  60. Rob Says:

    @Nikki: it is what you’re supposed to do. Still can be recognized. Like in my household, my shorties betsbe bringing home straight A’s. They sposed to! But when they do, I will praise as a way to ENCOURAGE that behavior. It will always be the standard. Praise or none. This is our problem. Fatherhood or Motherhood should be a standard expectation. Not an exception that is due recognition because you are an exception.

  61. “Fatherhood or Motherhood should be a standard expectation. Not an exception that is due recognition because you are an exception.”

    I agree. 😉

  62. cuzzo Says:

    @ Rob – you talked about the woman who was on the pill and used a condom but still got prego….to me, she was being smart…and precautions were taken to make sure she did not get pregnant.

    I know a dude who tells every woman he’s with…he wants them to have his child and how he’s gonna bring the child up. I don’t disagree with you…but it’s more than words when it comes to the time. The only fool proof way if you are going to engage in sex is that procedure…for the man, or the woman.

  63. J Money Says:

    I agree it is your responsibility. I feel the recognition comes in where it was meant to be two incomes supporting that child, having the value established that it is a mother and father raising the child, and both parents instilling values and morals. But when your the only one doing that, then that’s where the potential struggle comes in. Its like doing double work and you get paid the same salary and they take double taxes LOL!!

  64. cuzzo Says:

    @Nicki

    “Is recognizing single parents the same thing as applauding a man for taking care of his child? Is that what they are supposed to do?”

    this is what I was getting at with my response to JMoney….dudes get an extra pat on the back for being fathers…whether single with no help from a well and alive mother….or whether married or still with their child’s mother.

    I have my own particular feelings about men who were raised by both parents. You just hear too many times that it’s just the mother. So when you hear that the man actually parented it’s like woah…for real. Shouldn’t be cause like you say, it’s what they are supposed to do but more often than not don’t.

  65. cuzzo Says:

    I’m going to get that Maury t-shirt…just for kicks 😉

  66. “dudes get an extra pat on the back for being fathers…whether single with no help from a well and alive mother….or whether married or still with their child’s mother. ”

    That is true! It’s strange.. I guess it’s because we just don’t expect them to do it and are amazed when they do. I think it’s something we should change.

  67. cuzzo Says:

    @Nicki

    i’m guilty of it, the extra pat…I admire that my fiancee has remained a stable figure in his son’s life despite his son’s mother’s indecisiveness (I didn’t want to say craziness, but that’s what I really mean) .

    I despise hearing when a woman is doing all kinds of extra dumb isht that hinders a child’s relationship with their father.

  68. Rob Says:

    @cuzzo: i think you read it wrong, what i said was “How many times have to heard, “girl I was on the pill, he had on a condom and I wasn’t even having sex and I still got pregnant””

    i was being fecicious. As in, if you’re doing all those things (bc & condom = 99% effective . . . abstinence = 100% affective . . . unless you getting pregnant from the toilet seats like back in the day) you don’t get prego. people need to stop lying on they junk. “Dog, I was wrapped up and she still got prego!” . . . Nicca Please . . . what about that one time when yall was drunk and in the heat of the moment and got loose in the bathroom of the club. Oops, forgot about that huh? When it comes to children, there are no accidents. Perhaps the results of others missteps and poor decision making, but no accidents. . . . CHOICE!

    and please stop feeding into these statistics and occurences and out-LIARS which are misrepresentations about (our) community that are on the five oclock news. it’s not the case . . .if we make better decisions.

    absent fathers come from households w/ absent, uninformed, uneducated households with absent fathers that come from households w/absent, uninformed, uneducated . . . you get the point. stop the cycle.

    how bout we start engraining the thought process that baby making aint possible unless i’m through with college or have a stable income or mature enough to handle it or etc, etc. and i’m goin to do everything. . . even if that means not having sex . . . to make sure that is the case.

  69. “I admire that my fiancee has remained a stable figure in his son’s life despite his son’s mother’s indecisiveness”

    I think in a situation like this, bc the other parent is being such an a&&, it’s an entirely different thing. That deserves a pat bc you can easily walk away and not deal with the parent. My home girl has a kid with SATAN (he has custody… long story) and I applaude her for doing it…he really stresses her out; it’ll make your heart hurt. And she very well could walk away, but doesn’t

  70. Rob Says:

    @cuzzo and nikki: depends on the circle. i got friends that got shorties and they get no extra love. i love that they love and interact with their kids and are fathers to them, but they get no extra love. if your circle, your environment makes this the expectation/standard, won’t be any extra pats. it’ll be the normal admiration for a job well done.

    matter of fact, i don’t and would not have any friends that didn’t take care of their shorties in the BEST way possible. we wouldn’t be friends because they’d be sick of me saying, “cuzz, i know we shooting hoops/going to the club/playing scrabble/watching the game/swinging the clubs/etc,etc,etc . . . but you really need to start doing right by your kids”. either he gonna step up to the plate or we gonna have a fallin’ out and end the friendship.

  71. crazyone Says:

    Where does this extra pat on the back come from and what is it worth?

  72. Mikki Says:

    dang i missed a lot!! Stop the convo til ohh say…

    4:30

    Please n thanks

  73. LOL @mikki.

    @Crazyone: I think I kinda touched on that above.. I think the pat comes from the fact that our community doesn’t expect them to do it.

  74. Rob Says:

    and i feel everyone one should be doing it . . . makes the world a happier place.

  75. cuzzo Says:

    @ Rob

    “absent fathers come from households w/ absent, uninformed, uneducated households with absent fathers that come from households w/absent, uninformed, uneducated . . . you get the point. stop the cycle.”

    I can’t take this as a blanket statement for all men due to my own experiences 🙂 A lot of men say they don’t want to be like their father’s – the one’s who didn’t have one, or maybe their father (that was present) was just a jerk.

    I don’t buy into stats especially not from the news. But I have eyes that see what’s goings on.

  76. “we wouldn’t be friends because they’d be sick of me saying, “cuzz, i know we shooting hoops/going to the club/playing scrabble/watching the game/swinging the clubs/etc,etc,etc . . . but you really need to start doing right by your kids”.

    I tried to date a man that wasn’t the best father and I’m still friends with him. I always ask about his son, but he doesn’t see him often at all. He hates the baby’s mama so therefore, the child suffers. HE thinks monetary support is enough.

  77. cuzzo Says:

    @Rob

    I don’t have any male friends (or female) that don’t take care of their kids. I’m like you…I would have to say something about it and they’d get tired of that I’m sure. If we are associates and they are doing something that’s not kosher in my eyes, I don’t say anything. How sincere can I seem, if we’re not even friends? I just keep my distance, give a hi/bye but don’t get down with them like that.

  78. Rob Says:

    @ Nikki: HE is a fool! Sorry to be so harsh.

    @ Cuzzo: people misuse “most of” far too often. i’m a stat kinda dude. i love the notion of the bell curve. people can talk about instances and occurences, but what is really the definition of “most of”. what’s really the likely outcome. that’s where we should be making our “gambles” based on anything. make the odds in your favor as most as possible (education, abstinence, etc.) then make a decision . . . 1 out of 20 ain’t it. 1 out of 10 aint either, neither is 1 out of 5 . . . or 1 out of 3. when we get to 1 out of 2 then we can start talking “most of”. now i’m of the mindset that 1 out of 2,000,000 is just as deplorable a reality when it comes to men being in their children’s lives in the best capacity as in 1 out of 2, but i must be realistic. so the idea that “most” or “a lot” of men do a particular thing.

    if we looked at it statistically you would find that “most” of the men that are absent fathers most likely come from households that had absent fathers. it’s there imperative to stop the cycle.

  79. “@ Nikki: HE is a fool! Sorry to be so harsh.”

    He ain’t my man. No need to apologize. lol. HE is a fool… the GREAT thing is, my friends mama gets the baby all the time, so at least he is “exposed” to the daddy’s side.

  80. therealrob Says:

    hey i got an profile pic! yey!

  81. Welcome to the club, Rob. 😉

  82. Lovely Paradox Says:

    how bout we start engraining the thought process that baby making aint possible unless i’m through with college or have a stable income or mature enough to handle it or etc, etc.

    I think that’s the point that’s being missed. There are more ways to avoid having a kid when people are not ready than having one.

    And Rob is right, under the bell curve, people who are using protection (birth control, spermicides, condoms, Plan B, etc…) will not have a kid. Being a parent is a decision that should be taken carefully, whether married or not, financially able or not (we’ll hope that’s not the case)… We need to teach our children that although having a kid is a blessing, it’s not until you have the most cards in your hands!

    That’s what I grew up hearing and that’s what I’ll teach others. Raising another human being is challenging enough without adding another layer of stress… And truth be told, I’m just too lazy to be a single parent. If it happens, it happens but I’ll try my darndest not to let that happen.

  83. Mikki Says:

    Lp im lazy and needy lol not a good mix with a baby lol. Id be done went to the store for pampers n come back with new make up curlers and a pair of shoes for myself instead lol. Someone has to keep me in check!


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