Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

To Give it Up or Not to Give it Up July 19, 2009

Today is the first time for a multi site collaboration on SSSO. The post comes from me and none other than the man who made SSSO possible, SBM of Single Black Male.   He’s educated, insightful and entertaining. Please check him out! 

***********************

Picture this: you’re sitting on a couch, the lights are off, you’re supposed to be watching a movie but he keeps kissing you on your neck.  You’ve been on a few dates and you really like this guy but you’ve promised yourself you’d be strong this time… do it differently because optimally, you want to be taken seriously, you want a relationship.

But your body betrays you- the tingle in your stomach is getting lower.  He’s now laying in between your legs, trying to pull off your jeans.  In between kisses, you’re moaning, “No, I don’t want to do this,”  and he doesn’t stop.  You’re trying to fight it, but really you are not.  It feels too good. You whisper how you want to do it better this time, you want to wait. He whispers back, “we are both grown, this won’t change anything.”  Although you’ve heard it before, you think maybe this time is different.  You think, “Should I or Shouldn’t I?”

———————————–

Nicki Sunshine

It’s my experience that allows me to say this over and over again, “If you want a serious relationship, wait before you start having sex.”   I’ve had two successful relationships in my lifetime, both great men, and I waited before having sex, however I have had numerous “attempts” that ended up in big ole FAILS.

I believe these relationships were successful because we allowed ourselves time to explore all of the other good qualities that we had to offer before introducing sex.   We became friends first.

With the others, I believe sex was introduced too early which totally cut out the part where we “dated” each other.  Sex became the default activity; dinner- sex, movie- sex; dinner-movie-sex.   It always ended with us doing the horizontal polka (workcite: someone).

When I engaged in this activity, I found myself always on the shorter end of the stick. While I do hear there are women like Samantha Jones that exist in real life, I am not one of them.  I found myself continuing to have sex with these cats, and falling for them.  All the while they were just seeing me as a cool chick with the good-good.

When you have sex immediately, the chase is over. What does he need to chase with you already lying on your back? He’s already got it. And this point, it really doesn’t matter how funny/charming/smart you are.

Tuesday morning, I caught the tail end of Steve Harvey’s response to a woman’s “Strawberry Letter,” solicitation for advice.  I heard him say, that in his book, he offers his 90 day rule for women so we can feel a man out.  He states that initially men, pull out their hunting instincts and tell you FIRST, what you want to hear and SECOND, what will make them look good in our eyes….. And after that, THEN we get the truth.

Value yourself; Janet Jackson said it best, “Let’s wait a while.”

SBM

First and foremost … F*ck Steve Harvey.

He’s an excellent comedian, a sharp dresser (although loud as hell), a fellow bald header, and a good radio host … but I don’t agree with his advice and the negative effects of his book will resonate throughout black dating well after he and his ghost writer have spent off the millions from the book deal.  I’m not for rules, lists, or regulations and I hear he is all about it.  For shame!

Now, with that being said.  Yes women … keep your legs close (for a little while)!

Yes … I actually agree.  Shocked?

Holding out forever, and placing random across the board rules for when you smash him down (like this 90 day BS) isn’t the way to go.  It kind of turns sex into a commodity, you will be counting down the days until you can get that back broke, and you will most likely be looking more forward to the act and fits of ecstasy than the actual connection and forward movement with the relationship that it is supposed to be.

Personally, early puss has never led to me bunning a chic up.  It’s not so much that I don’t respect her, but now I’m more focused on the pum pum than the brain (no pun) that is attached to it.  And one very bad consequence … I stay involved with her.  Yes … this is bad, because I’ve often decided for some unrelated reason I don’t want her as a gf … but I want booty … so I leave “impress” mode and go into a “maintain” loop.  I call when I have to, I buy dinner when I have to, and the amount of cheap wine increases.

So when should the draws hit the floor?  When your convinced her likes you for you, a sufficient number of real dates have occurred.  It should feel good and natural, you shouldn’t feel disrespected, and you should truly know he ain’t gonna dip the day after. Your judge should be actions … not days!

Also, please remember that there is oral and hand stimulation that will help curb the hunger, but can still give the desired end result.  Yes … you should be s*cking before your f*cking!

Basic rule of thumb (for women only) … wait until you feel ready … then wait another week (or 5 dates … whichever is shorter) to give him that special.

———————————–

So, ladies … to answer the question: Give it up (you should) … just wait.  5th date D* is better than 1st date D* … and the same goes for the P*.

SBM & Nicki Sunshine

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34 Responses to “To Give it Up or Not to Give it Up”

  1. Jaci Says:

    *applause to my favorite sister and my semi-favorite brother*

    *high five for talmbout Janet…I’m watching her and Tyra right now*

    Anyways, I do think you should wait. I dont think it’s any secret whatsoever that I’m a huge flirt and I do love s!ex, but I know that in order to have a meaningful relationship you should probably give that some time. That’s not to say that successful relationships can’t occur when you do it early (since I’ve had one)

    So I’m going to say that’s it’s really all up to the two people involved….see where your comfort takes you and follow your brain…I think you have to really think about the person.

    One of the things that I think about before I have sex with a person is “can I live with the person for the next 18 years?” “would they be a good parent?” “is he a responsible man:?”

    I’m thinking every single one of these things in my head before I allow any kinda D__ to enter this body…

    (and yes, I’ve thought about it hehe)

  2. The Comeback Girl Says:

    “semi-favorite brother”

    ??? LOL do tell LOL

  3. Danielle Says:

    Great Post, but I stopped when I got here, “Yes … you should be s*cking before your f*cking!”

    Really? First? Hmmmmmm…..Ok.

  4. The Sphinx Says:

    I totally agree with everything you two said in this post. All too often, I’ve seen my friends give up the puss with no results. Then wonder why “hasn’t he called me?” WTF? If I can smash, and never look back, that’s what I’d do. But I am of the belief that it’s harder for women to do that without getting attached.

    Maybe if women weren’t so quick to give it up nowadays, men would appreciate the pussy more when they got it? We just posted a related post on our site. Please let us know your thoughts:

    http://www.passmeashovel.com/2009/07/20/pussy-on-a-pedestal/

  5. Athena Nike Says:

    I don’t believe in premarital sex, period.
    That said, I’ve been there myself and only the power of God and abrupt interruptions did I make it up off a couch or bed without manifold regrets. @Jaci, I always considered “could I look at this face everyday for 18 years” in my child, let alone still having to deal with the man.
    Now for those of you who do believe in premarital coitus, the Millionaire Matchmaker says wait til you’re in a mutually committed relationship – she doesn’t really say how long it takes to get there, could be 90 days, or more, or less, but he doesn’t sample the “cookies” until you get a commitment. And she has a 90% or better success rate on her matches.
    So if I were a fiscally minded sister, how does a blue collar, around the way bro get in before the millionaire? Not gold digging but just saying….

  6. Jaci Says:

    @CBG

    Yes girl semi-favorite…I’m still trying to get over the grimy ish he did and NOMORE is hands down way cooler…so he’s kinda my fave tehehehe and you know Peyso ranks #1.5…I loves me some him.

    @Danielle

    If I have to put my mouth on it I prefer to do so before it’s “dirty” and I know he bet not thank he gon stick before he lick 😉

    @Athena

    Right. And I have to know a little something something about a brother before all that can go down, but there’s different levels of commitment and spark. For instance, sometimes it’s there and it’s not going anywhere and sometimes it’s not there, but you think it is…I think that’s when we have to watch out. BEWARE THE REPS and LOTHARIOS!

    @The Sphinx

    Thanks for stopping by ol’ SSSO…

    And I think you’re right when a man has to put in genuine work he’s more appreciative, but that doesn’t guarantee he’s stick around and how do we know that’s not just all he was working towards?

  7. Jaci Says:

    @The Sphinx

    That post was the business. Everyone should go check them out!

    I GOT PMS!!! Woohoo!

  8. Anitra Says:

    I read it and havent left a comment yet but i will.

    Since im practicing celibacy until marriage its a lil hard to respond as i usually would but im gonna do it based on my past experiences.

    I think you should give it at least 3 real dates. Its not anything proven but i think it gives u both time to feel eachother out. Date one or two certainly never worked for me lol.

    That crap about us being grown is a lie. Further more why dont we as woman question men who want to have sex so soon?? I know im that deal and all but if u are tryin to sleep with me from jump im going to think u hoe around. I dont give a darn about the double standard.

  9. Thanks Jaci. I agree, before having sex I think it is important to consider if you can deal with having a baby with that person.

    @Danielle: I cannot be putting my mouth on anything either. To me, that’s just as intimate as s3x (to me).

    @The Sphinx: Welcome to the blog and thank you. I will be checking out your post shortly.

    @Athena: “the Millionaire Matchmaker says wait til you’re in a mutually committed relationship ” That would work for me.

    @mik: “That crap about us being grown is a lie. Further more why dont we as woman question men who want to have sex so soon?? I know im that deal and all but if u are tryin to sleep with me from jump im going to think u hoe around. I dont give a darn about the double standard.”

    THis is true. It reads desperation.

  10. Anitra Says:

    It reads “get out my face yah ninja yah!!!”

    Lol

  11. Comeback Girl Says:

    “Yes girl semi-favorite…I’m still trying to get over the grimy ish he did and NOMORE is hands down way cooler…”

    thats bIGONES..Jackson

    but i do need an explanation for this: “Yes … you should be s*cking before your f*cking!”

    I mean after a year almost..same sentiment??? how is that working for you??

  12. Jaci Says:

    CBG:

    LOL…yeah if I am going to do it then I want to do it before hand dayumit…

    I don’t really want to taste myself.

  13. J Money Says:

    I personally never really had much respect for a woman who did have relations with me in a short time frame. I always had questions like: Does she do this with everyone she meets or really likes? But I also analyze the situation as well. Like SBM said it really depends on vibe the two people are having. The ones that held out I always held in a higher regard because 1. It was not easy 2. Nothing like having that sexual tension 3. I did not have to worry about looking like that guy (man he with her, don’t he know everyone hit that). Sorry but I like to feel like what I have is special and the whole county has not had a piece of the PIE!!

  14. “Sorry but I like to feel like what I have is special and the whole county has not had a piece of the PIE!!”

    Exactly!

  15. Anna Says:

    Ok, first of all – I cannot tell you how much I enjoy y’alls banter on this site.

    That being said – I also support waiting until you have some commitment. I can’t just let you know what a total S&M ho I can be right off that bat…that scares people. tee-hee.

    SBM – this is why most men can’t be mad when a girl who doesn’t like you that much uses you for free meals and dates. Y’all do the same thing with the poonani.

  16. Jaci Says:

    @Anna

    Hey girl! Welcome back! Right…?I have to play coy and sweet for a minute…so when I puts it down…it’s down!

  17. Hey Anna!!

    Feel free to jump right into the banter at any time.

  18. Slim Jackson Says:

    I echo Jmoney’s sentiments on this one. I typically have been unable to date a woman that I’ve had relations with in a short period of time. Too many questions and flags in my head.

  19. Peyso Says:

    @ Jac – I love u too. I agree though, every person u have sex with is a potential baby momma/daddy. Be prepared for that.

    @ Danielle – Yes. No other explanation needed.

    @ J Money and Slim- I agree in principle but it depends on how the deed went down. Cuz I can construct scenarios in my head in favor of both view points

    Dont listen to none of that 90 day rule crap. Especially while you’re in college. A woman could wait 90 days 4 times a yr, racking 4 bodies a yr and most men would still consider her a jump off. (I dont agree but I’m sayin)

  20. I agree Peyso.. I don’t think there is a situation where you should put a time limit on it because it differs from person to person. Plus if you outright tell a man that you’re waiting 90 days, won’t he just get on his best behavior for that time and then smash and act a fool? lol.

  21. Jaci Says:

    Plus if you outright tell a man that you’re waiting 90 days, won’t he just get on his best behavior for that time and then smash and act a fool? lol.

    That’s what I was thinking or he might find someone who’s only waiting 75..or 15 or acts on vibe alone…then you’ve lost a potentially good fella..over a rule…

    Dont listen to none of that 90 day rule crap. Especially while you’re in college. A woman could wait 90 days 4 times a yr, racking 4 bodies a yr and most men would still consider her a jump off. (I dont agree but I’m sayin)

    And over the course of 4 years thats 16 people..which is ALOT!

  22. “And over the course of 4 years thats 16 people..which is ALOT!”

    Yes ma’am, that is. lol

    “That’s what I was thinking or he might find someone who’s only waiting 75..or 15 or acts on vibe alone…then you’ve lost a potentially good fella..over a rule…”

    Exactly… or he just may keep trying to get you to break your rule?

  23. andrea Says:

    Great post! I read both websites daily! I agree with the home dates thing. I have a guy who is trying to see me, but he always wants to come to my house. When I’m out and about and ask if he wants to meet for drinks, dinner, etc, there is always a reason he can’t. Makes me think he’s only trying to get in my pants. Which is a real turn-off for me. If that’s what you want, be honest and tell me. Let me decide. But I don’t do well with the ‘only sex’ thing. I get attached. And he seems like a playa.

  24. Anna Says:

    We women will often complain about being used for sex, but a lot of us (ok, maybe just me and my friends) do the same thing. Back in the day *cough* if I met a dude who was sexy as hell but had no other potential, I may have wrapped him in polyurethane and done the nasty. I didn’t see any other use for him. The nice guy that I could see a future with got none. Not even a hand job. Because I wanted him to see me, not just the tattoo on my booty, lol. Having Mr. Good Stuff on deck helped me make better (by better, I mean less ho-like) choices with Mr. Good Guy. Not that I was a total ho. But many women can attest that a prolonged dry spell can lead to poor decision making when you meet a viable candidate. That’s when you think he could be The One but give him the cookie too soon and end up looking like Loosy Liu – chasing the bamma down the street like, “Wait! I’m really a good girl! I haven’t gotten any in a year!!” LOL!

    But this kind of behavior leads to the realization that you’ve witheld the cookie from honor roll students just to pass it out at detention. And good guys everywhere begin treating girls like dirt so that they, too, can get the “bad boy” cookie. Sigh. No wonder dating is effed up.

  25. @andrea: Its either that or he’s too cheap to take you out on a date.. Either way, it’s no bueno.

    “But this kind of behavior leads to the realization that you’ve witheld the cookie from honor roll students just to pass it out at detention. And good guys everywhere begin treating girls like dirt so that they, too, can get the “bad boy” cookie. Sigh. No wonder dating is effed up.”

    @Anna: U have a very good point… both male and female’s foolish choices are screwing everything up BUT it seems that women get over it faster than a man… men make the next girl pay over and over.

  26. Hugh Jazz Says:

    Nicki: “… both male and female’s foolish choices are screwing everything up BUT it seems that women get over it faster than a man… men make the next girl pay over and over.”

    I going to have to disagree with you on this one Sunny. Men will modify their behavior (for better or worse) after getting played to get what they want. Women are far more likely to be bitter and either take it out on the next guy or they give the evil eye and shoot down every guy that approaches them.

  27. ” Men will modify their behavior (for better or worse) after getting played to get what they want. Women are far more likely to be bitter and either take it out on the next guy or they give the evil eye and shoot down every guy that approaches them.”

    Hey Hugh!!! I’mma need more people. lol.

  28. I know the s*cking before f*cking discussion has been one for the ages … but unless its a jump off or a one nighter (or my first gf ever) … oral always comes first. Too me (and a lot of people) its just not as intimate, so if I eat something and it doesn’t work out … I know I’m less bothered than if she got the bidness and I got screwed (no pun) over.

  29. Carlotta Says:

    I’m confused. I kind of stumbled on this website from a link on my Tweetdeck but I’m trying to figure out – are these Christian in here talking about sex – outside of marriage?

    I see the bible study/church notes on the top of the blog but the discussion here leaves me scratching my head.

    Someone please tell me who you all are and what the expectations of relationships should be – Christian but not really, Christian following after Christ, not Christian but just church-goers or agnostic/atheist pretending to be Christian.

  30. Nicki Sunshine Says:

    @Carlotta: First and foremost, welcome to the blog. We are Christians but not perfect Christians, as I am sure you are not.

    Hate the sin, love the person, pray for the change, but please, do not turn other people from Christianity by judging them… as your comment implies.

  31. Carlotta Says:

    Thanks Nikki!

    I’m glad I stumbled on this blog because discussion about relationships are extremely important, and the discussions here have been quite lively and engaging!

    Am I judging people? Yes, but rightly so. Christians are commanded to judge each other, because it’s a way of accountability in keeping one another in check. We aren’t to judge the unsaved because they need to come to Christ first – just as they are – before beginning to live by God’s holy standards.

    Check this out:

    “I wrote to you in my epistle not to keep company with sexually immoral people. Yet I certainly did not mean with the sexually immoral people of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner—not even to eat with such a person.

    For what have I to do with judging those also who are outside? Do you not judge those who are inside? But those who are outside God judges. Therefore “put away from yourselves the evil person.” 1 Corinthians 5:9-13

    See? The apostle Paul wrote letters to the very immature Christian at the city of Corinth as their lifestyles pretty much resemble modern day American Christians. He’s giving basic instructions here how to handle fellow Christians who refuse to live godly. He made it clear that he wasn’t writing to the unsaved but to the saved!

    That requires judging, something that people hate to hear and can’t wait to throw that “judge not that ye be not judge” verse out. That verse happens to be one of the most misquoted scriptures in all of the bible! (See it in it’s full context: Matt 7:1-5

    But anyways Nikki, I just want to challenge those who call themselves Christians to make these discussions an opportunity to encourage one another to do what’s right. Even confessing our sins one to another. I’m not perfect…I’ve been divorced for 15 years but celibate for 5! So yes, I’ve had my failures as well but my goal is to strive to do what’s right as often as I can!

    Hopefully, folks won’t run away from Christ but to Him because of what I’ve shared. If they do, then I’ll pray that they come back! 🙂

  32. Carlotta Says:

    By the way – I was trippin’ a little because I have 20smthn daughter named Anitra. Almost looked like the Anitra on this blog a little.

    Oh well…

  33. Deborrah Says:

    First of all, Steve Harvey is a comedian on his third marriage. Please tell me where that says he is a successful man at relationships and understands women? (rolling eyes) Plus he wears those funny looking long coated cat daddy suits.

    Secondly, I read all the comments and had to laugh. The double standard is alive and shown in the responses the men gave. Why is it that every man in the world is more worried about what some woman does with her coochie than he is anything else? Women are judged, condemned and ignored for serious relationships or marriage based on a perception (no proof necessary), that his boys or too many other cats had some. It’s not like a vagina has an odometer on it, okay? And a woman’s body is hers to decide what to do with, not a man’s. These judgments are ridiculous religion-based conceptions… women need to be pure before they are deemed worthy to be wives, and men can have as much experience as they want.

    This is where the double standard ish hits the fan! Men want to condemn a woman for having sexual experience before marriage, but then turn right around and say “well don’t be trying to make me wait for sex forever because that is how a relationship moves forward.” WTF? Make up your mind and stop jerking women around like a yo-yo! Either you get it and you shut up about who ELSE got it and be happy, or you don’t get it until you get married.

    My personal belief is if a woman wants sex with a particular man, she should have it. Be responsible and take care of yourself emotionally and physically, but if you wanna hit that, hit it. Just don’t get up expecting a relationship, wondering if it meant anything, or if he likes you. Instead you get up, tell him it was great, and hit the door. Don’t call him or even give him a second thought.

  34. Welcome to the blog, Deborrah!

    “but if you wanna hit that, hit it. Just don’t get up expecting a relationship, wondering if it meant anything, or if he likes you”

    Very good point.


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