Can I have your input on this?
On Monday, I tweeted that “Men are like kids, we’re gonna do what u let us and push the limits to see what we can get away with”. I expected it to be met by the normal “whoa is the black woman b/c the black man aint sh*t”. I also thought that someone would ask me to elaborate on what I meant. Needless to say the latter didn’t take place.
I was fortunate enough for my tweet to be the inspiration for a blog titled Me, Myself An Eye; written by a very smart, beautiful woman from the Chi, now living in NYC. I usually don’t agree with anything she says but I can always respect her educated and well informed opinion. This case didn’t differ at all. She wrote:
“If this statement is correct, it would mean that women are responsible for the stunts men pull when they allow it. This is what is commonly referred to as VICTIM BLAMING. And while an adult woman does have some responsibility for the amount of foolishness she allows in her life, that is not to say that labelling men ‘childlike’ and absolving them from blame is fair or reasonable. If there is any sexism in that statement, I’d call misandry as opposed to misogyny: to imply that men are incapable of having feelings or a moral compass and that they must be parented or governed by women is pretty over the top. Are we to now believe that there is a ‘woman’s burden’ to civilize and rear adult men?… Most importantly, for the men who subscribe to this notion (and regrettably, there are many) why WOULD you push the limits of a woman to see what you can get away with? What is to be accomplished from abusing the boundaries of someone who cares about you? A lot of these guys actually reject the girls who let them get away with murder because they think she’s weak or dumb; while that may be true, these young men themselves mustn’t have much self-esteem if they can’t embrace the idea that maybe someone just thinks they are worth the trouble. Nor do they realize that many sisters have had the fear of the man-shortage drilled so far in their heads that they feel they have no choice but to deal with some bull.”
Because the comment section of her blog, IMHO, isn’t an appropriate forum for my rebuttal, I decided that I would write it her so that I can get more people to read her blog and to hear your opinions on the matter. Here are my slightly edited comments:
“For the record, I wasnt blaming anyone. I was just saying what I saw to be true. I think her reasoning is faulty and problematic in that my statement speaks to what seems to be the overt nature of many men and nothing more. I am not trying to diagnose nor fix the problems between men and women. I think her argument is taking my statement out of context (which she may or may not have been privied to). I think its distorting my argument. In no place did I say that I acted this way or that this was acceptable. I did not position my statement as an excuse nor a reason but as a reality. It wasnt even in response to anything; it was more of a random thought. You’ve effectively falsely extrapolated an issue out of a comment that wasn’t mean to do one.
As I later discussed on twitter, men (or rather adults) shouldn’t act like children. But there are many women who do the same. I feel that men push the limits of what they can do outside of their relationships while women push the limits within their relationships. Men usually push what they can get away with before you’re considered their SO and women push after they are in a relationship. Men are responsible for their actions and women are responsible for theirs as well.
Women shouldn’t accept these actions from men and men shouldn’t commit them. But to remove the blame completely from the shoulders of women, IMHO, is counterintuitive and is the antithesis to many of the notions that this blogger among with many other women feel; notions about being in controls of their lives and their relationships. With control comes accountability and I think that through this argument, the author is trying to have her cake and eat it too.
I feel that so many women accept this out of fear of losing a man, when in many cases it is this fear that ultimately makes them lose that man and this to me is troubling. This was the idea that I was getting across. That not accepting a man BS is not going to necessarily going to push him away. He may actually get the point and correct his behavior. Women don’t realize that men are usually about doing the bare minimum in relationships. This issue can be circumvented by setting the bar as high as you deem fit. No one is asking a woman to raise a grown ass man. I think my statement alludes to the idea that a grown man already knows how to behave.
Lastly, I think the notion of self-esteem that she presents is getting confused with humility. Just like women don’t want a man they can walk over, a good man doesn’t want a women who they can walk over also.
But this goes back to the saying, ‘how can you expect someone to respect/love you if you dont respect/love yourself?’”
What do you guys think?