Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Judgements and Excuses August 4, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — cuzzo @ 11:15 pm

I’m young and single…

I’m grown…

I can do whatever I want….

All seemingly OK affirmations but usually used as an excuse for something negative. For example, drinking excessively. Is it too old school or judgmental to think that a cocktail or a couple beers every night or several nights a week is a bit much? Oh, but you’re “young and single…grown…can do whatever you want” – including being an alcoholic. It saddens me but what can you say if this person is a friend? Can we just call a spade a spade and risk putting a strain on the friendship?

Another example, promiscuity. I’ve actually heard a friend of mine say something to the effect of  I’m going to meet a man tonight and sleep with him. Like, this chick already had this on her mind! But, she’s “young and single…grown…can do whatever she wants…oh, and men do it too so why can’t she?” I truly think promiscuous people have psychological issues. This girl is always talking about some random dude that she either is or wants to sleep with. I really feel she has esteem issues. Can someone answer this?

Dr. Proctor, any psychological input to these excuses? Any justification? Have you said them at one point in time yourself? Know someone who uses them?

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21 Responses to “Judgements and Excuses”

  1. Athena Nike Says:

    Yeah, generally you can trace these actions back to something, conscious or subconscious. There really is no excuse once you are “grown” though – you do what you want to because you want to,but if its a habit you want to change and you need help, seek it out. Its not up to the rest of us to judge, except to admonish certain habits are not healthy or leave you fulfilled – cause it could’ve been you in their shoes….

  2. To the rescue, 😉

    I honestly think people that use the term “grown” aren’t really grown. When you are grown, you don’t have claim it loud to excuse your actions. When people say they are
    grown,” they are not looking for you to admonish their behavior, all they really want is validation.

    So the choice is yours- speak up and risk possibly angering a friend or hurting his or her feelings -or- validate them, which I know is NOT what you want to do -or- say nothing, which to me, is just as bad as validation.

    Talk to your friend and let them know how you feel ONE TIME (and one time only. lol. Or maybe twice, but no one likes a naggerl) after that, they are on their own.

    I’ve been there and have had that talk, which has not always ended well. Unfortunately I’ve had to cut several friends off because I wasn’t feeling their actions- we were growing in two seperate directions and bad behavior is toxic, so is the bad advice they may give you.

  3. No More Says:

    You think that a cocktail or a couple beers several nights a week is alcoholism?? Now I’d agree with you if you meant that someone gets straight up drunk every day, but for most people, a cocktail/two beers wont even make them tipsy. Anyway, the young excuse is a cop-out, I’d rather them say they want to get drunk, or they want to screw that person because they feel like it, which often times is the right and appropriate answer.

  4. Cynthia Says:

    I wake when people say I’m Grown! Bothers me, I had a friend that was just like that, we would go to a club together, and she would straight LEAVE me and go home with random men, I eventually had to seperate myself from her, she eventually GREW UP, and calmed down!

  5. Anna Says:

    I think the “I’m grown!” people are really just affirming their ability to do as they like as adults. I wouldn’t get too upset about it – it’s a normal part of growing up. I remember being in school and flexing my freedom, my parents were hella strict so to be able to wake up and make a gin and tonic and smoke an L at 9am on a Sunday was extra refreshing. If I wanted to take someone to bed no strings attached I could. And did. When we’re young we break rules – as adults we put those same rules back on ourselves. Your friend may just be in the gap between those two life phases.

  6. true2me Says:

    why do YOU care that someone else is “promiscuous”? Are they going to work everyday? Are they having multiple abortions? are they getting beaten and raped?

    I dont think its fair to impose YOUR opinion of how people should be on others…THATS YOUR OPINION..if they aren’t hurting anyone or themselves..then why try to overanalyze them as having some “deep psychological issue”. They are young and “grown” and having fun. Life is about experience. I dont think its cool to wish so hard that other people are like YOU and when they aren’t… then think its because something is wrong. sounds like those people are the ones who need validation (by putting down others for their actions, you look “better” or more well rounded..therefore..validating YOUR existence)

    Im just sayin…….

  7. thecomebackgirl Says:

    Im a little shocked at this post, cuzzo cause you seem to be like free thinking and tolerant..esp. with that prostitution post you wrote once..

    antyhoo..none of this would really bother me.

    1. Why would a cocktail and two beers be excessive? There are studies out here that suggest older people SHOULD have 1 glass a wine a nite..something about that reversotol sp?? The french do it all the time..and medical research is saying they live longer. Beer?? two.. i mean if thats how people unwind i don’t see a problem. I would however see something very wrong with people drinking to get drunk every nite. But in most cases i don’t think this is the case.

    2. I mean how young is she??? Is she being safe? again if the person was my friend or close relative id be more inclined to make sure she had condoms…and then give her my speech about self-esteem and masking some other issue with anon. se!x.

  8. Bamer15 Says:

    Good post, I would have to say I agree with ‘true2me’. I don’t like it when other people diagnose their friends or someone else as having a problem just because they aren’t like you, etc.

    As a friend I would also just make sure he/she is safe with condoms, but even then I can’t make someone be safe.

  9. V Renee Says:

    “I dont think its cool to wish so hard that other people are like YOU and when they aren’t”

    I like this. It always baffles me when people want you to live like them, or live how they think you should live. If everyone was the same, life would be so boring.

  10. What if it’s not that you want them to be like you, they are just doing some things that you aren’t feeling?

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. As someone wrote before (I believe it was Cuzzo on a post), every one judges, in some way.

  11. true2me Says:

    Nicki,

    People aren’t goin to always do things you like..I have a cousin in the adult entertainment industry. I love her like a fat kid love cake. but I dont NOT HANG AROUND HER because I dont like her form of “work”.

    Gotta move past that stuff man. If she aint stealing from you, sexing your man or doing you dirty, then why disown her…

    I dunno, guess thats me

  12. V Renee Says:

    “What if it’s not that you want them to be like you, they are just doing some things that you aren’t feeling?”

    That’s TOTALLY fine. I’ve distanced myself from people before because I didn’t like the life they were living. It was more so because I felt their actions could have gotten me caught up in some crazy ish. Not because I thought it was wrong. Most people know right from wrong. And people choose to do wrong at times. Such is life. And everyone does “judge” (I like to say have an opinion) in some fashion. BUT at the same time I don’t expect everyone to act the exact same, or do what I would do in situations. I’ve been around people who felt they had to voice their opinion on EVERY action someone else did. Like “I would have done such and such. ” Or “I would have NEVER done such and such”. They truly get MAD because the person didn’t act as they would. And it’s like but that’s not your life and they didn’t ask for your opinion. If you find yourself in a situation like that, then do what you feel you need to do.

  13. Cheekie Says:

    Ya know, just because you are grown and can do what you want, doesn’t necessarily mean you should. There’s a lot of things that I “could” do because I’m grown, but I respect myself too much to do them. lol

    And this?

    “Another example, promiscuity. I’ve actually heard a friend of mine say something to the effect of I’m going to meet a man tonight and sleep with him. Like, this chick already had this on her mind! But, she’s “young and single…grown…can do whatever she wants…oh, and men do it too so why can’t she?””

    First off, even thought society doesn’t necessarily believe this…to me? A ho is a ho. Male or female. Letting it swing too freely is nasty regardless of your gender. It’s not like STDs and STI’s be like, “Oh, he a guy, so he can’t be a ho, so Imma pass him up”. Furthermore, I’ll never understand why folks validate their own actions by mentioning other people do it, too. Ok, they do it. And that affects your life, how? Bottom line, any choices you make? You’re gonna have to live with them. Not Mr. John Doe or Jane Doe you pointing at from afar. They’ve gotta live their lives; you gotta live yours.

    If someone I love is doing something I don’t agree with, I’ll most definitely let them know. Because I care about them. Still, at the end of the day, my opinion is just words. They’ve gonna do what they please, regardless. Sometimes my words help; sometimes not. I can’t control whether they do. All I could offer is my love no matter what they choose…even if I don’t necessarily suppport their decision, I’ll try my best to support them.

  14. “I dunno, guess thats me”

    Not just you.. I think a couple of the others feel like you on here.

    I’m on the other side, where if something a person does is bothering me, I just remove myself from the situation. For instance, I had a best friend (over 10 years) with self esteem issues… she always let this dude use her and I’d have to hear about it. I tried being her cheerleader but that got old, especially when she got pissed at me for not liking him,’

    So I removed myself.. ultimately, I think it was her self esteem issues I couldn’t deal with.

  15. ” Like “I would have done such and such. ” Or “I would have NEVER done such and such””

    I hate those two quotes, V. lol

  16. V Renee Says:

    “I tried being her cheerleader but that got old, especially when she got pissed at me for not liking him,’”

    And that too I understand. People who bring their drama to me on a CONSISTENT basis, I distance myself from. Because they are affecting my blood pressure and life space. LMAO. But if you are happy being “grown” then I love it.

  17. The Lioness Says:

    I use “I’m young and single” myself- especially when it comes to shopping or travelling when I know I am doing waaayyyy more than I should. I just tell myself, I may as well do it now while I can, while I don’t have kids and a mortgage to worry about. But, as I am saying this, in the back of my mind, I know it’s wrong.

    I say call a spade a spade and tell your homegirl(s) you are not feeling it. Sometimes, I just need to hear someone say it to me out loud for me to say hey, I am going at this a little too hard. I mean really, only two things can happen. They can appreciate you for being honest and calling them out or they can be ticked at you and ignore your advice. As long as you come at them in a nonjudgmental way, I don’t see it putting a permanent strain on the relationship.

  18. J Money Says:

    People are going to do what they want and have to take their lumps as they come. You can be a friend and offer your advice so they know where you stand but ultimately they will do what they feel is best.

    The excuses are just what they are “Excuses”. We as a people make excuses for everything. I respect someone who boldly says what it is than make an excuse for it. I can’t stand it when people make excuse for other people. Especially when their situation is so obvious what the real reason is.

  19. J Money Says:

    We all judge whether we want to or not, we pass judgement on people. I think the issue comes into play is how that judgement plays on your actions towards that person. I never let my judgements affect how I deal with someone because you still don’t know what type of person they are truly until you get to know them. Then you have the facts to come to a certain conclusion.

  20. “And that too I understand. People who bring their drama to me on a CONSISTENT basis, I distance myself from. Because they are affecting my blood pressure and life space. LMAO. ”

    Exactly!!!!

  21. I believe the term is used when one wants to justify their actions to themselves and they don’t want any one to question it or make comments….


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