Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

401k, Insurance, and PTO… but you Part-time…. August 7, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — Holly GoLightly @ 8:52 am

Some people know, many probably don’t but my best friend is male… he’s also my relationship adviser. He is the one I go to when I wanna know things, like why that fool didn’t do what he said or what did this action mean… like most people I usually don’t follow the advice given. Although there is one quote that seems to resonate that I always find myself saying to other friends both guys and girls….

“Why would you give someone who’s part-time full-time benefits”

Meaning why are you making this guy/gal the “be all end all” (aka priority) when to them you are only an afterthought (option)?? Now I would like to think that no one in there right mind enters into a situation like this willingly but are somehow is bamboozled, however I know that there are people who exist out there who are satisfied with a “piece-a-person”. But for those of us who are not happy with just having anybody how do we fall into the trap of giving someone the priority title? I have been in a couple of situations  where I’ve been someones afterthought while they were my everything, once as a youngster (circa 18-21) and in my last 3 year power struggle dateship. No I didn’t go into either looking for this outcome but it’s just what came and when I look back at these relationships how I would define being an afterthought vs. priority are different. Mostly because I was in two different phases of life, one a college student and the other a young professional.  In my young college relationship I catered to him and everything he stood for. I arranged my life, my wardrobe, my friends, and  my goals on what he thought was satisfying! Heck, he’s the reason for my existence in Atlanta!! I changed schools my sophomore year to make him “feel” secure in our relationship. So when the demise of compromise occured I of course did the Holly things and discovered me, the real me… not the Stepford Wife I was slowing transitioning into! Then years down the road I find Mr. Isolation, a manipulative introvert (hence the name). During our time together I made him a priority by simply giving him all out access to my heart, home, car, and money! Sometimes he asked for these things but a lot of times he didn’t, I just simply had this idiotic mindset that if I want the title I gotta play the part… WTF was I thinking (or on)??? Some of you are probably shaking your heads and saying couldn’t be and wouldn’t be me, but the truth is if you haven’t been put in the situation or haven’t witnessed a close friend go through being the dumb dumb then you very well might end up or may even be in a part-time situation…  but I learned from both of these speed bumps and consciously make every effort not to experience this exchange with whoever I find myself smitten for, definitely doesn’t go down like either of these with my current special friend.

To me full-time benefits are those that you would give to the person who you are in a committed, exclusive relationship. For me these benefits would include 24 hour access to me (my time) ; access to my house; emotional, psychological, and monetary support; consideration and possible carryout of your opinion (if it’s harmless); and other things that I’m gonna have to ponder on for the moment :-). These are things that someone who I am in a full-time relationship would have access to and I would also receive as benefits from them. On the flip side if someone is inquiring about part-time benefits then it’s just simply a see ya when I see ya exchange… I feel in this type of dynamic is simply not building towards something greater so why give and expect more? It’s sad that most women are the ones who are found giving more in a relationship then men. I don’t know if it’s because we are natural nurturers but often times we are the ones giving our all to men only to have them give when it’s convenient for them. I’m not bashing men, but I don’t know too many who often times go in on Day 1 with all the cards face up and giving all their energy. I’m sure they are out there, but they are far and few…

So readers my questions to you are: Have you ever been in a situation where you were the option? Have you been in the situation where you were the priority? Did you learn from being in either/both roles? What do you define as full-time benefits? How do you think people end up in the “option” role?

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35 Responses to “401k, Insurance, and PTO… but you Part-time….”

  1. Shawnta` Says:

    Morning, y’all.

    @Holly GoLightly: Great post.

    Yes, I’ve been in a relationship where I was an option though I initially refused to admit that to myself. I tried to reconcile it by assuring myself that I was a priority to him just as he was a priority to me but our priorities were ranked differently…that was me refusing to accept the fact that I wasn’t a ‘true’ priority to him. This is the guy I dated before my husband and I began dating (although my husband and I were best friends at the time). This guy & I dated for a year and a half or so and we could never seem to get in the same book, let alone on the same page. This may stem from the fact that we were both young. From this I learned that priorities are seen differently depending on who you’re asking. What’s a priority to me isn’t necessarily a priority to someone else, even someone I’m sharing a relationship with.

    Yes, I’ve been in a relationship where I was a priority. The seven years that my husband and I dated & courted. From this I learned that once you get used to being treated right & treated extremely well, it’s hard to go back to being a non-priority…one of the many reasons why he’s my husband of almost six years (on Aug. 30th).

    I think people end up in the option role by not setting standards (not impossible and insurmountable ones) from the beginning and before they know it, they’re lax and have fallen into routine and complacency and the relationship doesn’t look anything like they wanted it to or thought it would by then it’s usually too late unless both people are willing to make changes. Often when one isn’t changing fast enough, the ultimatums come and then that leaves you wondering if they’re doing it because they genuinely want to or because they feel as if they’re being forced to.

    Full time benefits probably vary from relationship to relationship but some basics are time, attention, energy and reliability. I believe that we may time for, give our attention to, have enough energy for and are always available and reliable to the things & people that matter to us.

    BTW…I was best friends with my husband for a couple of years before we got married…so, you may end up marrying your best friend. LOL! 🙂

  2. Shawnta` Says:

    @Holly GoLightly: Oops. I meant to say…I was best friends with my husband for a couple of years before we started dating not before we got married. It could happen to y’all too. 🙂

  3. Holly GoLightly Says:

    Thank you Shawnta!!

    I definitely agree that people’s priorities are different…

    Amen to:

    “Often when one isn’t changing fast enough, the ultimatums come and then that leaves you wondering if they’re doing it because they genuinely want to or because they feel as if they’re being forced to.”- I don’t do ultimatums… and if I feel I gotta put them out I would rather not deal with you…

    and

    “I believe that we may time for, give our attention to, have enough energy for and are always available and reliable to the things & people that matter to us.”- I am definitely a firm believer in this!!!

    Now on my BFF I don’t think that would happen… we are straight straight platonic and have been friends for almost 10 years… lolol! He’s a good guy, but our views are totally totally different! lol

  4. NumberOneKappa Says:

    hummm… interesting.. I think that it sucks that dating has turned into a job interview.. are you desiring a full time position but only being offered part time positions… or looking for part time because you cant handle full time responsibiltes… from a dog point of view.. its easier to manage 2 part time jobs then it is 1 full time one.. why you ask… well because you can simply leave one job and go to the next when times get rough. That sucks… Some full time jobs come with a “Micro-Manager(strong opinionated independent woman)” and thats something guys run away from cause it’s a confidence thing and dont want to be told what to do or cant handle that type of woman… But then they dog out the “Macro-Manager (cool laid back independent woman)… hummm (now I am thinking).. Some women say they want a good man, who wants that full time position, want the responsibiltes but when they get one he somehow is dressed in the “he is not what i am looking for suit!” And is rejected from the stack of possible job candidates before even given the proper interview. Too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny, doesnt make this amount of money, doesnt have this doesnt have that blah blah blah…

    I can tell you from experience of being a dog that i preyed on women who type i fit… why cause it was easier to deal with them… common issues and concerns, likes and dislikes.. I already had the answer to the test.. so I always passed them with flying kolors and delivered the same results.. but it was when i step out and dated someone who type i wasnt and got exposed!

    if you are interviewing the same type of people for the same position you will get the same results.. Flip it up on a nigga and do something different. actually give the different guy a chance. Now I am not saying to go down to the unemployment office and find the first dude with no high school education a executive position but dont over look the blue collar guy either… Try this and see if you get different results.. “If you do what you’ve done you will always get what you’ve got!” Most people dont recognize opportunity cause its dressed up in “workman’s” clothes…

    i hope it makes some sense i am writing this while eating and looking at my employees play ghetto jeopardy … Good Luck HR Directors on filling that full time position!!!!

  5. Shawnta` Says:

    @Holly GoLightly: I must have been typing too fast; meant to say we “MAKE” time for those things…glad you figured out what I meant in that context.

    I hear you on your best friend…gotta give you a hard time about it. I do it to everyone once I learn that they are best friends with someone of the opposite sex. We were best friends for two years, dated for seven and have been married for nearly six. We were both so nervous to start dating for fear that if it didn’t work, we could never go back to being just best friends. Our relationship wouldn’t have been the same if our relationship didn’t work out. I never expected to date him, let alone marry him but… 🙂 🙂 🙂

  6. Holly GoLightly Says:

    LOL @ Numberone for taking it to the management styles!!!! Why do men dog out the “Macro-Manager”?

    “Some women say they want a good man, who wants that full time position, want the responsibiltes but when they get one he somehow is dressed in the “he is not what i am looking for suit!” And is rejected from the stack of possible job candidates before even given the proper interview. Too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny, doesnt make this amount of money, doesnt have this doesnt have that blah blah blah…”- Also men reject women for the same reasons… probably with the exception on money cause most men are inferior if a woman has the possibility to make more than them.

  7. Holly GoLightly Says:

    @Shawnta- I had ya girly!!

    Yeah I know a couple of people who have ended up being with their bestfriend… however mine is a male slore!!! 🙂

  8. NumberOneKappa Says:

    I am a reformed male slore… 🙂 why do some guys dog out the micro manager… cause they dumb… LOL.. and i still dont understand why a guy is intimidate by a female who makes more money then he does… They just dumb.. cause I would be all over that girl like white on rice!!!! Be the only str8 guy on Housewives of Atlanta….

  9. Holly GoLightly Says:

    you aint reformed!!! lol

    But honestly have you been an option??

  10. Tannequa Says:

    yes not too long ago i was in a “relationship” like that it was discussed that he didnt want a girl and to be honest i didnt want a man either but i did want that level of respect where- i understand there is no “title” but i dont want you tell me or actual admit that your seeing other ppl. Now when i asked he made it seem that although we were togetther he wasnt sleeping with anyone else cause i know i wasnt. but he did have a childrens mother that i question about because, i felt that when your not togethter with someone there are certain things to me you dont do with them kids or not. Know im a mother and i understand that a dad is supposed to be there for the child no matter what – but i saw him doing thing that i see she could of done herself which made me question ” are u really not with her” anyway to make a long story short i asked him and he told me he was not with her and he did what he did to keep peace between them. So as a women who wanted to be understanding and understands as a mom who goes thru things with her childrens dad and wants to keep peace believed him- then got an email from HER!! Confirming what i felt. She said they lived together and and not to contact himanymore. i felt insulted because i felt who the hell are you to tell me this when u dont know whats going on? Now she did say thats she not gonna ssume that i know but if i do back off…. umm no u go at the paerson whos comitted to u like that not me. i didnt disrespect her though i kindly told her that i dont go after other ppl property and he told me he was single and for her not to contact me anymore cause i hav enothing to do with there quarrel! nooo more though..

  11. J Money Says:

    “For me these benefits would include 24 hour access to me (my time) ; access to my house; emotional, psychological, and monetary support; consideration and possible carryout of your opinion (if it’s harmless); and other things that I’m gonna have to ponder on for the moment”

    Man that sounds like marriage to me LOL!!

    Not that I recalll have I ever been an option or treating a woman as an option. But I think to keep from being treated as such is a clear definition of expectations. I think if expectations are set then you know exactly where both people are coming from and there is no confusion.

    I think women go into relationships leading with their heart. And that tends to blind them to the obvious facts of not being a priority in that mans mind. Because if you are a priority it will be shown. One thing we can’t do very well is lie about our intentions and then back it up that lie with actions. So if you have the patience and observe him it can be exposed.

  12. Tannequa Says:

    wow @ numberone kappa thats why i will not settle for less ever again…….

  13. Tannequa Says:

    @ j money thats true….. but its hard for most females not to lead with anything else but their heart but its true- dont ignore the obvious…..

  14. Holly GoLightly Says:

    @Tannequa- I was like that with the last relationship and the previous ones…. I was on a no title but want the benefits… And that’s probably what caused the problems cause you can’t have your cake and eat it too!

    So now do you still want no titles from anyone?

    @J Money- LOLOL! Not like that but I feel if I am in a titled relationship like we are working towards something higher. Not saying you get all this glory in the beginning but it does come with the position.

    I think sometimes both parties don’t let their expectations be known… at the end of the day someone isnt keeping it one hunnad!

    “I think women go into relationships leading with their heart. And that tends to blind them to the obvious facts of not being a priority in that mans mind. Because if you are a priority it will be shown. One thing we can’t do very well is lie about our intentions and then back it up that lie with actions. So if you have the patience and observe him it can be exposed.”- So you feel that actions are important… so is it feasible for a man to say he aint really feeling a chick a certain way but yet is doing actions that don’t coincide with what he’s saying?

  15. Holly GoLightly Says:

    @Tannequa- “wow @ numberone kappa thats why i will not settle for less ever again…….’- remember what you said yesterday about women allowing men to treat them a certain way??

    “j money thats true….. but its hard for most females not to lead with anything else but their heart but its true- dont ignore the obvious…..”- I agree… I think that’s just natural for us….

  16. J Money Says:

    “So you feel that actions are important… so is it feasible for a man to say he aint really feeling a chick a certain way but yet is doing actions that don’t coincide with what he’s saying?”

    @Holly – Then that needs to be brought to his attention. Secondly he may be doing it only because he knows thats what you want and trying to keep you around. But see again the words don’t match the actions. So you could conclude his actions are lying to you. But his mouth is saying exactly what he feels.

  17. Holly GoLightly Says:

    Thanks for the clarification for the readers J-Money

  18. numberonekappa Says:

    @Tannequa- its not about settling for less… remember sometimes less is more.. but what you want and strongly desire other females will too… times 10 actually.. men have a better chance at finding a good women when he is ready to settle down than a woman does!!! So when you play games expect to get played.. But just cause it comes in a great package doesnt meant that its worth keeping… but to flip the coin because it does not come in that great package doesnt mean its NOT worth keeping…

  19. numberonekappa Says:

    @holly I have been an option.. only kause it was konvenient for me but you know me… I keep my options open because soon as the right one kome along.. BAM i start eliminating mofos…. But i am not afraid of letting someone know thier role…

  20. I have been the option several times- what I learned from it is “Never again.” Never mind that it took several times to learn it.

    I should have said what I wanted and stuck to my guns.. At the first sign of nonconformance, I should have left- that would have saved my time and effort.

    Full time benefits for me, include, having sexual relations, spending the night, dating exclusive that one person, and putting all efforts into making that situation work when there was nothing to work with in the first place.

    I think people get stuck in that “option” role because they think that is what you are supposed to do.. for so long, I was hard on men and then people kept telling me how wrong I was because people aren’t perfect. So I guess I let my standard down a little too much.

  21. Holly GoLightly Says:

    Nicki I am glad that you have learned! Sometimes I dont think people take situations and learn from them…. Also I dont think it matters how long it took but just as long as you learned.

  22. “Also I dont think it matters how long it took but just as long as you learned.”

    Exactly!!!!

  23. Holly GoLightly Says:

    What is the G.I. Joe saying Nick?

    Knowing is half the battle?

  24. ms80sbaby Says:

    Yes, I have been in a situation where I was an option…. And what’s sad is looking bad I thought it was something that out of the options I came FIRST!!!!! <—- I blame young girl mentality….. Heck because I was still just an option.

    I think people end up being in the option role because they tend to overlook what the person has said or showed you. For example, him saying he didn't want to be in a relationship. But yet I stayed around and was ONLY with him….. I set myself up for being the option in that scenario

  25. ms80sbaby Says:

    I guess I didn’t hit submit on my original post…

    Yes, I’ve been in a situation where I allowed myself to be an option….. I thought it was something though because I knew or at least thought I was the #1 option <– I blame that on a young girl mentality on this thinking…

    Thinking back I can't blame anybody but myself on my option status. Because HE told me he didn't want to be in a relationship but I stayed around and made him a PRIORITY anyway. So that was ALL on ME!!!! But not anymore 😉

  26. Eightys Baby Says:

    Okay I quit my post ain’t posting..

    I bet this one will though

  27. Eightys Baby Says:

    I knew it…. Nick, Holly, or somebody…. can y’all get my original post out of hiding…. LOL

  28. Holly GoLightly Says:

    WHAT??? What happend 80’s??

  29. Holly GoLightly Says:

    I will 80’s hold on!

  30. Eightys Baby Says:

    Thanks Holly…..

  31. Holly GoLightly Says:

    “Thinking back I can’t blame anybody but myself on my option status. Because HE told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship but I stayed around and made him a PRIORITY anyway. So that was ALL on ME!!!! But not anymore ;)”

    I agree with that 80’s! It goes back to being the t0shirt wearer and knowing when to call it quits!

    But yes young girl mentality is a bish!

  32. The Lioness Says:

    OMG- my girlfriends and I almost got fired because we were emailing each other about the EXACT same topic this week. The main thing we pondered was the way women will treat all men the same (cut friend, best friend, husband alike). We will cook for them; we will make ourselves pretty for them; we will offer them emotional support; we will give them our conversations. So then it’s like damn- if he already getting all that without a commitment on his part then why should he want to be exclusive to only you?

    On the flip side, the way a guy classifies a woman directly affects the way he treats her. He won’t give a full benefits package to a jumpoff. They won’t get dinner & movie. Yet, he’ll only be emotionally close with his girlfriend or main. Only she will get that good stroke (lol).

    Idk. Maybe the men have it right? **I shudder to think**

  33. The Sphinx Says:

    I have been in a situation where I started out as the priority, and I was just swept away by all the attention, adoration he had for me, and time we spent. Then all of a sudden, it was like my stock started decreasing. He spent less and less time with me, while I started giving him more to compensate for what he wasn’t giving me. No fun at all.

    Why do we do it? Because we hope we can win them over, when in reality, the more we give, sometimes the less we’re appreciated. Not in all cases, but I think there’s a fine line between being too available for your man — the 24 hr access thing — (which, i’ve tried this, and he took it to mean that I didn’t have a life outside of him, which freaked him out), and not being available enough.

    I guess, as women, (and especially if we’ve been raised to be independent) we have this thing where it’s like we want to control everything; and when things don’t work out, we can’t/don’t want to accept that, because that means failure for us. And it’s hard for us to fail, because we’ve been so independent and successful in all other aspects of our lives. But bottom line is, you can’t control another person. So when you feel that your energies are being drained, because you are constantly giving, then it’s time to reevaluate your situation. I think some of this can be averted if you always put yourself first in a relationship. And be honest about whether or not you feel like being bothered, and what YOU want.

  34. _HollyGoLightly Says:

    @lioness- That is true, it’s like the cliche says he is getting the milk without buying the cow… Also people need to be played in the lane you place them. If this is just the cut friend then it needs to be just the cut friend!!

    @Spinx- Do you know why everything started changing between you two? Also I would like to say “AMEN” to that last paragraph!!!

  35. Monica Says:

    I am in a situation like that now..crazy. But im to the point of refusing to be an option in someone life and they want to be priority in mine. Not! Loved how you put it…Part time with full time benefits!!!!!!!!


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