Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

What do you think? August 26, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — peyso @ 10:30 pm

Can I have your input on this?

 

On Monday, I tweeted that “Men are like kids, we’re gonna do what u let us and push the limits to see what we can get away with”. I expected it to be met by the normal “whoa is the black woman b/c the black man aint sh*t”. I also thought that someone would ask me to elaborate on what I meant. Needless to say the latter didn’t take place.

 

I was fortunate enough for my tweet to be the inspiration for a blog titled Me, Myself An Eye; written by a very smart, beautiful woman from the Chi, now living in NYC. I usually don’t agree with anything she says but I can always respect her educated and well informed opinion. This case didn’t differ at all. She wrote:

“If this statement is correct, it would mean that women are responsible for the stunts men pull when they allow it. This is what is commonly referred to as VICTIM BLAMING. And while an adult woman does have some responsibility for the amount of foolishness she allows in her life, that is not to say that labelling men ‘childlike’ and absolving them from blame is fair or reasonable. If there is any sexism in that statement, I’d call misandry as opposed to misogyny: to imply that men are incapable of having feelings or a moral compass and that they must be parented or governed by women is pretty over the top. Are we to now believe that there is a ‘woman’s burden’ to civilize and rear adult men?… Most importantly, for the men who subscribe to this notion (and regrettably, there are many) why WOULD you push the limits of a woman to see what you can get away with? What is to be accomplished from abusing the boundaries of someone who cares about you? A lot of these guys actually reject the girls who let them get away with murder because they think she’s weak or dumb; while that may be true, these young men themselves mustn’t have much self-esteem if they can’t embrace the idea that maybe someone just thinks they are worth the trouble. Nor do they realize that many sisters have had the fear of the man-shortage drilled so far in their heads that they feel they have no choice but to deal with some bull.”

 

Because the comment section of her blog, IMHO, isn’t an appropriate forum for my rebuttal, I decided that I would write it her so that I can get more people to read her blog and to hear your opinions on the matter. Here are my slightly edited comments:

 

“For the record, I wasnt blaming anyone. I was just saying what I saw to be true. I think her reasoning is faulty and problematic in that my statement speaks to what seems to be the overt nature of many men and nothing more. I am not trying to diagnose nor fix the problems between men and women. I think her argument is taking my statement out of context (which she may or may not have been privied to). I think its distorting my argument. In no place did I say that I acted this way or that this was acceptable. I did not position my statement as an excuse nor a reason but as a reality. It wasnt even in response to anything; it was more of a random thought. You’ve effectively falsely extrapolated an issue out of a comment that wasn’t mean to do one.

As I later discussed on twitter, men (or rather adults) shouldn’t act like children. But there are many women who do the same. I feel that men push the limits of what they can do outside of their relationships while women push the limits within their relationships.  Men usually push what they can get away with before you’re considered their SO and women push after they are in a relationship. Men are responsible for their actions and women are responsible for theirs as well.

Women shouldn’t accept these actions from men and men shouldn’t commit them. But to remove the blame completely from the shoulders of women, IMHO, is counterintuitive and is the antithesis to many of the notions that this blogger among with many other women feel; notions about being in controls of their lives and their relationships. With control comes accountability and I think that through this argument, the author is trying to have her cake and eat it too.

 

I feel that so many women accept this out of fear of losing a man, when in many cases it is this fear that ultimately makes them lose that man and this to me is troubling. This was the idea that I was getting across. That not accepting a man BS is not going to necessarily going to push him away. He may actually get the point and correct his behavior. Women don’t realize that men are usually about doing the bare minimum in relationships. This issue can be circumvented by setting the bar as high as you deem fit. No one is asking a woman to raise a grown ass man. I think my statement alludes to the idea that a grown man already knows how to behave.

 

Lastly, I think the notion of self-esteem that she presents is getting confused with humility. Just like women don’t want a man they can walk over, a good man doesn’t want a women who they can walk over also.

But this goes back to the saying, ‘how can you expect someone to respect/love you if you dont respect/love yourself?’”

 

What do you guys think?

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132 Responses to “What do you think?”

  1. Peyso, I agree with what you are saying on this…. I think she had some valid points, it just doesn’t have anything to do with your post. You guys were on two different flights.

    I think men test women to see what they can get away with but contrary to what the other poster was saying, it IS the woman’s fault for allowing it.

    We set the standard for how we are going to be treated and yes, a lot of women accept bad treatment because “a man is better than NO man.” This is a poor attitude because although you may keep the man, he’ll never respect you.

  2. No More Says:

    I think your rebuttal was worded well and sufficient; if she still screws up your message after that then shes just looking to prove her own point. I have said the same thing as you did in your tweet and most women I’ve come across took it to mean exactly as you did. Like you said, you can replace “men” with “women” in your statement and it will still be true.

    Also, im tired of hearing about this “fear of the man-shortage” thing, if you honestly believe you wont get a man then you probably wont, simple as that.

  3. thecomebackgirl Says:

    Sometimes I think people over intellectualize the shyt out of everything. I agree with you Pey. Alot of this is HUMAN FREAKING NATURE.

    People TEST boundaries. Men do it, women do it. Children do it. Employees do it. And really what people are willing to accept is very relative there is no BEHAVIOR standard. Some women don’t need talk to their men on the phone everyday, a text here and there suffices as a phone call..etc. etc.

    I’ve tested boundaries too-most times unknowingly. I’m not gonna lie. And its not just about seeing if he’s worth my time. Alot of it, is naturally seeing where the limits are. Sometimes my humor can be a little off the wall…and there are times..i gotta pull back.

    That man shortage shyt seems like a real mental illness. Women have held themselves so FAR apart from just knowing that there are great men out here..they believe the rabbit hole that theyve dug themselves into, which frankly why its really hard for me to read TBS…but like everything, everyone has an opinion. And sometimes its telling and reflective of how they look at life. And the results they get out of it.

  4. “That man shortage shyt seems like a real mental illness. Women have held themselves so FAR apart from just knowing that there are great men out here..”

    Exactly. 😉

  5. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “Exactly. ”

    I think it takes women off the hook and hides shyt in fear of being in relationships, unresolved daddy issues or relationship problems THEY have personally.

    Consistently bad behaving men, Im sorry to say this is a reflection of ME..when that happened I had to check myself, seriously. But to believe there aren’t any men out here, makes you a) right b) without a partner who wants to love you.

    There is no way in the hel! that a decent man would find the “no man out here” sentiment attractive. Its negative thinking that spills out into everything else including money, career, life goals. I now run very far from people who want to throw statistics at me in regards to why they can’t have what they want. And men are people too..they are no different. no one wants to hear that bullshyt…but other negative people.

  6. Jaci Says:

    Pey-Great post! I think as Nick said you two are talking about two totally different things. I’m sorry but no matter how many times I hear about this man shortage I can leave the house looking like a bum & meet a fantastic guy.

    Does he test my limits? Absolutely. Will I test his? You know it.

    I can not understand for the life of me why this needs to have lab testing before we can admit that these things are actually happening. As CBG stated all of this can be attributed to Human Nature…(that is after all why it’s all done…MJ said this 26 years ago)

    And the question of why would you push a woman..makes me have a d’oh moment. Quite obviously and naturally you would push her to see how she reacts…it’s like that old Maya Angelou saying you can tell a lot about a person with how she handles a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas lights.

    Well you can tell a lot about a woman by how much she takes, what she gives back and when she tells you to hit the road!

  7. @Comeback: I think a lot of the problem is those same women put themselves on a pedastal and don’t think anything is wrong with them… u see it all the time, women big upping themselves for being Independent and what not… but the thing is, independence should not the be the only good point you have to offer someone.

  8. Sekani Says:

    “If you find anything appealing about pushing a woman’s boundaries just to see what she’ll let you do, do all of us a favor and push yourself off of a building.” – Me, Myself An Eye

    I think it was a little raw for her to say that. Babies and adults will naturally test boundaries. However, I do think a man can create separation between himself and other men by not testing a woman’s boundaries. If you feel a women is worthy, I don’t see the need in seeing what she’ll let you get away with. I’d be concerned with showing her that I’m not trying to get away with anything. And I do think that we can control this as adults. That said, your rebuttal is on point Peyso. Feeling this post.

  9. Jaci Says:

    @Comeback: I think a lot of the problem is those same women put themselves on a pedastal and don’t think anything is wrong with them… u see it all the time, women big upping themselves for being Independent and what not… but the thing is, independence should not the be the only good point you have to offer someone.

    Nick-You make a valid point here…and it’s like ok you’re independent…but in your independence can you let someone in? What are you doing to better your independent self…if you’re stagnant then I don’t see how it’s gonna work…

    @Sekani

    You make a good point in that it does set you apart from other men to not be on bullsh!t -but do you feel when you let her know upfront that you’re not on any…her human nature will kick in and try to be sure that you’re really not on any bull…

  10. “Nick-You make a valid point here…and it’s like ok you’re independent…but in your independence can you let someone in? What are you doing to better your independent self…if you’re stagnant then I don’t see how it’s gonna work…”

    And you just don’t need to proclaim it.. if you are independent.. be it and SHUT UP. Please and thank you.

  11. Jaci Says:

    *jumping up and down and shouting*

    “And you just don’t need to proclaim it.. if you are independent.. be it and SHUT UP. Please and thank you.”

    Say that girlfriend!

    Kinda like if you have to tell someone you’re a lady…chances are you’re not.

  12. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “I think it was a little raw for her to say that.”

    @ Sekani..LOL…yes it was, and I can kind of read to and through what people are saying. I think there’s something totally different about being passionate, and as nono stated (hell bent on being right)..and speaking through pain, frustration and disappointment.

    its a response based in disappointment. And what happens when you believe in absolutes like only childish men test boundaries and not worth being in a relationship.

    The ONLY way you can have a REAL grown up relationship is by learning what pleases and displeases your partner..that happens through…the “testing” of boundaries. Its not a malicious things. Its life. If you’ve been around someone for a while you will do something that won’t make them happy. You negotiate behavior and move on.

  13. Sekani Says:

    @ Jaci

    “You make a good point in that it does set you apart from other men to not be on bullsh!t -but do you feel when you let her know upfront that you’re not on any…her human nature will kick in and try to be sure that you’re really not on any bull…”

    I definitely think human nature will kick in and a women would test to see if I’m really not on the BS. My father taught me about woman’s intuition at an early age. I just figure it’s easier for me to not BS a women because chances are, she already knows and is just playing her role for the time being. I try and live by the mantra “do what you’ve always done, get what you always got….” If I’ve been playing games with women since 14 (and continue to play them), why would I expect to find anything other than a relationship filled with a lot of games?

  14. peyso Says:

    Make sure ya check out the other stuff, she writes. She writes some good stuff. She was just buggin on this one I think. IMHO she had an agenda already and was trying to prove her point. I think the commenters there do the same.

    I find it very interesting that a feminist would but into this concept. Its problematic for me because its a regression back to the days of the woman as a damsel in distress and not as a controller of who’s in her bed and who’s in her head. I like to think of my SO as much stronger than the implications her comments and her commenters provide.

  15. Jaci Says:

    The ONLY way you can have a REAL grown up relationship is by learning what pleases and displeases your partner..that happens through…the “testing” of boundaries.

    Exactly! this post and comments make me uber excited! How else will know how you’re SO likes their ish…geez…and I do think there’s some bitterness or disappointment on her end in this post..I’m just sayin

    @Sekani

    My father taught me about woman’s intuition at an early age. I just figure it’s easier for me to not BS a women because chances are, she already knows and is just playing her role for the time being.

    Hug your daddy for me. Now..this is true…men out there playing games do kinda think of women as the stupider sex and that’s not the case…chances are we talking about you to our girlfriends…eating the food you buy and playing you for being stupid enough to think this works…

    As for playing games…kids play those. And who wants a childish relationship…elevate yourself from just colors to shapes and colors!

    @Pey

    Can you post her link for me? Wait this is SOs blog? I’m confused?

  16. peyso Says:

    @ Jac – that’s the link and it aint my SO. I just dont wanna think about her and the way that Sis Toldja’s (the blogger) comments implies

  17. Jaci Says:

    @peyso

    I’m gonna print these comments out and read them…I need to be able to high light and form my own opinion about this…I really feel like there’s some anger there and there is some talk about men and women and children being raised and how…

    Does anyone think that some of this is brought on by male children being raised by females who are not always pleasant…so they are used to getting their way a bit more…

    (Not saying I do–just asking)

  18. I just went over there but there were too many long comments and I couldn’t focus.. ah well! Maybe they’ll come pay us a visit.

  19. thecomebackgirl Says:

    I know I’m tired of reading about ABW adventures on the net. Do you LIKE BELIEVING that black men are the enemy and your personal case study for why your life sucks?

    its so unevolved. a year or two later and you’re still talking about the same shyt, in the same way…is there no wonder why you’re in the same position?

    its not rocket science really.

  20. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “I find it very interesting that a feminist would but into this concept. Its problematic for me because its a regression back to the days of the woman as a damsel in distress and not as a controller of who’s in her bed and who’s in her head. I like to think of my SO as much stronger than the implications her comments and her commenters provide.”

    @ Pey…for a VERY long time..i’ve struggled with how feminisim/womanism and the like works in LOVE relationships. Coming from someone whose studied most of the contemporary thinkers (because i was forced to at my all woman’s college LOL) no one has really written, specifically BLACK women how to LOVE black men outside of the “movement” thats now some 40 years old or more.

    Some of the sentiment is like being stuck in a time warp or a textbook.

    And feminist thinking doesn’t really belong inside of romantic relationships, outside of the obvious..a man shouldn’t beat your a!ss or mentally abuse you. Other than that power is negotiated differently than in a workplace or with “the man”

  21. Jaci Says:

    no one has really written, specifically BLACK women how to LOVE black men outside of the “movement” thats now some 40 years old or more.

    There’s definitely a book at Books A Million called ‘How to Love a Black Man’ I saw it when I went to get EOTP…but I think it was kinda general stuff…

    Pey…would you mind writing…next Thursday how you think black men should be loved?

  22. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “How to Love a Black Man’ ”

    I’m not really talking about “mainstream books” I have heard of that one. But I was thinking of from a theoretical standpoint and from “feminist” perspective.

  23. Jaci Says:

    @CBG

    I really don’t think that’s going to happen…but I think it should come from the how to love a black man while loving yourself standpoint…that’s balancing everything else women have to deal with on top of this other person who can’t breathe without you…

    I think we’ve gotten too digital to do that…a blog might work though

  24. “Do you LIKE BELIEVING that black men are the enemy and your personal case study for why your life sucks?”

    MAN!!!

  25. Why do we need a pamphlet on loving a black man?

    Is it diferent than loving any other man?

    Yes black men have their struggles but don’t all black people?

  26. peyso Says:

    @ Nicki – I disagree with this notion. I think you will need a manual or pamphlet to love black men or black women or any race and sex that has been perpetually denigrated since their arrival on this continent. I would argue that the same is probably true for latinos, native americans, in some cases middle easterns and in some cases Asians.

    Just love aint gonna do it, there is a specific love that is needed due to the societal pressures that have existed for the last 300 yrs.

  27. @Peyso: Hmmmm. I will have to talk that over with my beau and verify if I’m loving him right. lol.. because I haven’t done anything any different.

    Perhaps you do need to write a post on this? U with it?

  28. @Pey:

    here’s my beau’s response:

    dont call that love 12:12 PM

    More like understanding peoples background and struggles 12:12 PM

    My struggles as a black man are totally separate from my love life

    Loving someone you do have to understand that

    I think that’s more of what I was trying to say.

  29. Jaci Says:

    @Pey & Nic

    I think there should be a pamphlet or post or some ideal about how to love a black man simply because there are not any man…I gotta go with Pey on this…

    I think you have to love the struggle and sometimes that can be hard. Struggles=hard times and hard thoughts on the people who love them.

  30. thecomebackgirl Says:

    I think I’m going to write the “feminist answer” LOL..i’ll leave it Peyso to write the male version. And the ladies of SSSO to hit it from their perspecive too.

  31. We need to link all of the blogs… I think that’s be a good approach comeback!

  32. thecomebackgirl Says:

    thats a good idea. like a link back?

  33. Jaci Says:

    Ha! That sounds fab…

    Nick, when?

  34. Since I post on Monday, I’ll be writing my for not this monday but the next (I wrote mine for this Monday already bc I knew I wouldn’t have time to write!)

  35. Jaci Says:

    NIck,

    What if we did it all on one day…kinda like the way Three Ways does theirs…where everyone just does one post one day…

    I have a guest post but I’m open for Tuesday..if you guys want…

    Umm…when you write yours e-mail it to me?

  36. Lovely Paradox Says:

    I am a frequent commenter over at Sister Toldja’s posts, and she a very brilliant and intelligent young woman. She often has views of a particular situation that I may have missed and always present very strong points. Sometimes I wholeheartedly agree with her views, other times we rather differ in opinions.

    Yesterday, I didn’t have the chance to reply but this is one case where I believe there was something lost in translation. You are both presenting extremely valid points, they are just not related to one another.

    Let’s take an employee of a very great company working for a very smart boss. If said employee comes to work at 10am every morning and the boss still gives them an awesome review, then they will keep coming at 10 am. Even if the code of conduct of the company is to be at work no later than 9am. Does it mean he is a bad employee? Not according to the Boss review. Does it even mean that the employee doesn’t enjoy the job? Not necessarily. What it DOES mean is that as human beings we will tend to do what is naturally comfortable to us FIRST until we are reminded that certain rules are in place for certain reasons (in the example above let’s say people coming in at 7 might need John Doe late employee’s stuff before starting work for instance). Until that tidbit is made clear and reinforced to John Doe Late Employee, s/he will keep doing what is naturally comfortable to them (coming in late). If John Doe’s boss doesn’t enforce the rules, then the responsibility is shared by BOTH of them. There is no “victim” in this case, moreso an enabler and an enabled.

    However, what ST is talking about is valid AND true. I grew up in a culture that indulges men into thinking they should not be taking any responsibility. The problem with that mentality is that you have a bunch of people (read men) running around thinking (rightfully) that a lot of women will let them get away with childish behavior. Again, in this case, it’s moreso what the expectations are for both parties. I have met many- a man (especially from my culture) who deeply believe that it’s their god-given rights to act a certain way. Good for them, I just will not be seeking those men out. So all around, I think men (and human beings in general) should be held responsible for their actions all of them and women (and human beings in general) should be clear on what their expectations are in any given situation.

    Again I repeat both sides said things that are true and important, they are just not THAT related for each other.

  37. thecomebackgirl Says:

    @ LP…

    I commented over on her spot. The problem though is that the more brilliant some of us women become…the less ABLE we are able to connect with black men.

    Theoretical book smarts doesn’t really fit inside of loving relationships with black men.

  38. peyso Says:

    @ LP what you’re saying is making sense but more of my issue is saying that my statement made certain implications. I clearly didnt make those implications and she in fact used my statement to prove a point that she has been trying to prove for some time now. As I commented on her site, had it come from someone else her statement may be completely true.

  39. Lovely Paradox Says:

    @Comeback,

    I consider myself a feminist/womanist… in the fact that my sense and understanding of justice does not allow one part of humanity to be considered “inferior” to another part. It’s that simple and that basic to me.

    Being a feminist is not on par with hating men. I love men in general, and my man in particular. There just needs to be an understanding that the patriarchal culture that has governed the world for millenia has created some deep anchored “beliefs” that are de-facto disadvantages to women and need to be rethought. Things that in my opinion have nothing to do with how to love a man.

    There is much that can be said about “anti-feminists” women but that debate is not here nor now.

  40. peyso Says:

    @ LP but i agree with youu

  41. Shawnta` Says:

    Hey, y’all!

    I’m just now getting around to having a chance to read this.

    @Peyso: Great post. I saw the initial tweet you sent out. I didn’t respond because I keep my profile private & I knew you wouldn’t see it if you aren’t following me as well. That being said, here’s my response:

    I was not offended when I read it. I did not see it as an ‘excuse’ for me to act up. I agree a lot with the other commenters on here today, both men & women (young & old) push & test boundaries…not only because they can but because it’s human nature and we want to see what the limits are, even when we may already know them.

    I don’t support the black male shortage theory; and not just because I’m already married. I’ve never believed/supported the argument (even while single & dating) that there was/is a shortage of good, upstanding, God fearing, well educated, hard working, motivated, respectable & respectful black men. I believe that supporting this theory/myth discredits & counteracts the wonderful job that black families (both single parent & dual parent households) are doing with raising children, specifically black boys, in the way they should go. Can we do better as black families & a black community? Yes. Is there room for improvement? Always. Is it really as dismal & bleak as many make it out to be? No; not in my opinion.

    @Peyso/@CBG/@Nicki & @Jaci: I think doing indivdual responses from each perspective on a universal day & linking all of the blogs to each other including today’s post is a great idea…can’t wait to read each of them.

  42. Lovely Paradox Says:

    @Peyso,

    I agree with you. What you said was not ground for all the implications that were made.

    Again, I believe something was missed in translation.

  43. Shawnta` Says:

    “I was not offended when I read it. I did not see it as an ‘excuse’ for me to act up.”

    Oops…didn’t proofread closely enough. That “me” should be “men”. Thanks!

  44. Jac that would work for me

  45. “@Peyso/@CBG/@Nicki & @Jaci: I think doing indivdual responses from each perspective on a universal day & linking all of the blogs to each other including today’s post is a great idea…can’t wait to read each of them.”

    Thanks Shawnie

  46. thecomebackgirl Says:

    “Being a feminist is not on par with hating men. I love men in general, and my man in particular. There just needs to be an understanding that the patriarchal culture that has governed the world for millenia has created some deep anchored “beliefs” that are de-facto disadvantages to women and need to be rethought. Things that in my opinion have nothing to do with how to love a man.

    There is much that can be said about “anti-feminists” women but that debate is not here nor now.

    @ LP..i don’t think I’ve ever made the statement that feminist hate men. I am one. I understand the arguements and the thinkers. Since this conversation IS ABOUT relationships. Those beforementioned anchored beliefs having EVERYTHING TO DO with how to love a man, specifically a black one.

    Which is frankly why it to Gloria S..60 years to figure it out and marry one.

    I just find that some of the gung ho feminists and womanist try to iron fist every feminist principle and make it apply catagorically with every single relationship view..when they don’t often fit.

    Moreover many of these hardcore feminists end up having really malformed relationships with men. And that needs to be examined.

  47. No More Says:

    Theoretical book smarts doesn’t really fit inside of loving relationships with black men.

    Oh jeez…

    Theoretical book smarts doesn’t really fit inside of loving relationships with a partner that doesn’t share the same desire to use and/or learn those book smarts.

    FIXED

  48. peyso Says:

    theoretical book smarts should stay in theory and give way to practical book smarts

  49. The Comeback Girl Says:

    no no..you missed the point. Being brilliant doesn’t make you an automatic great fit for a partner. Being a feminist who can throw around feminist theory doesn’t get you there either.

  50. No More Says:

    no no..you missed the point. Being brilliant doesn’t make you an automatic great fit for a partner.

    I agree, I’m not disputing that. Im disputing your original statement of “Theoretical book smarts doesn’t really fit inside of loving relationships with black men”.

    And I agree with Peyso, practical book smarts are more important.

  51. K-EVEN Says:

    I agree with Shawnta.. there aint no shortage… freakin society is full of it..

  52. temps..aka enyfilms the blog is up! Says:

    I just commented on I think sbm.net about how the ladies need to stop with the excuses.

    In that whatever got her to move for that man and put up with his issues was not a case of Dr jekel n Mr Hyde.

    Those weak men knew how to work a weak woman’s mind. They brougt “stuff”and positioned themselves as a man “about his bizness” they know some women stop asking questions and don’t critique the man (sex notwithstanding) as long as he continues doing the “main things”.

    And those things are sex and buy more stuff 10 times out of 10.

    These women allow their man to do whatever as long as “I get mine” but when that turns into the nxt chick accusing her man of gettin her pregnant that all comes to an end. She failed the test. What that woman doesn’t want to hear is she lost playing his game.

    The test was will she allow his sex and materialism to speak for him and for her too. Some do maybe too many.

    Three are way too many women who act as if a man is novacaine, no pain no valleys just a life of peaks.
    And when the relationship they shoulda stick it out wit they get wit some ready made fool or they negate their lives by having a baby neither of em wanted.

    This is what I get from the writer and its what I wrote on sbm. There aint no garuntees. Any champion knows to become one, you must be tested AFTER being crowned the Champ. There is no free lunch in good relationships. How much time do you think B and Jayz really have wit each other, how bout the Prez n 1st Lady, shoot how bout ppl like us?

    That’s one kinda test rite there. (Its not how much time yall spend together its what yall do in that time.)

    After all who ever my woman will be she will have to share her life and career with mine and I will have to do the same. I am not playing games by not seeing you, I want to see you buy like yourself I gotta handle mine. That’s a test we will all have to go thru its just part of life. The sucker move is to date someone you know really isn’t who you want just someone you assumed you could control.
    IMO if you negate test then ur all for games.

  53. I agree with this to an extent. Everyone is different though, as in what determining what a “push over” really is.

  54. The Sphinx Says:

    Peyso,
    I SO agree with your rationale and analysis. This woman is taking it allll out of context.
    I think regardless of if it’s not “right” — Hell no, it’s not right –it’s reality. The thing is, women have a huge amount of influence over what men do – but they don’t realize it. I think if, as a collective, women started finding and implementing their standards, there wouldn’t be half as many men “getting away” with the bullsh!t they get away with. Would they still try to push the limits? Yes, because by nature, like you said, that’s what they try to do. But because there’s a majority of women accepting crap from men, men know that for every one that won’t accept crap, they can just move on to 9 others that will. So, I do think that the burden is somewhat on us.

  55. […] was pretty interesting over on SSSO. So much so, I can actually see my own growth and evolution being a woman of strength. I’m so […]

  56. @ The sphinx you hit the nail on the head, it must be a collective effort, much like everything else. but that will never happen because besides all women obviously not having the same stern morals, values, and beliefs……….yall can’t get along with eachother long enough to stop hating.

  57. Jaci Says:

    IMO if you negate test then ur all for games.

    Temps,

    You make some excellent points in what you said. Somethings that we see as being games really aren’t…they’re that person actually doing what they do.

    where the measure of a man or a woman is concerned I feel..and I could be wrong that materialism and d*ck size have nothing to do with it. For example, you used Bey & Jay..you’re right they don’t have a lot of time together, they’ve been tested and neither do the Os but they know what’s really up because all the test have been met and passed…when you invest that much into it you are not really willing to eff that up!

  58. Jaci Says:

    @The Sphinx …I got to get over to PMS today too!

    I think if, as a collective, women started finding and implementing their standards, there wouldn’t be half as many men “getting away” with the bullsh!t they get away with.

    YES! And I will admit I learned a lot on how to handle a man from the blogs and the lovelies there in…and once I stopped just accepting whatever the quality of man that I started to attract increased…like from ones that would try anything to ones that would be like ordinarily by now we’d be f*cking but I see you not even about to let that go down & they get their job as a man…but when everybody is letting them slip well that’s what they do…however, I think it is very important to be sure the test the past are the real test and not some superficial high school ish…because that just leads right back to games.

    @Undressingher

    So you’re saying that young {black} women’s inability to get along is a reason why we cannot get and keep a “good” black man?

  59. “when you invest that much into it you are not really willing to eff that up!”

    I think the number of good black women relationships outnumber the number of those who don’t get along but you just aren’t exposed to them as much.

    I have a great number of girlfriends… good women, not stank broads. (lol)

  60. Slim Jackson Says:

    Interesting post. I actually had a co-worker point this whole situation out to me. I do think men push the limits because it’s just the natural thing to do. Whether it’s subconscious or intentional, idk. Good ish nonetheless, roo and ish.

  61. Jaci Says:

    I think the number of good black women relationships outnumber the number of those who don’t get along but you just aren’t exposed to them as much.

    I have a great number of girlfriends… good women, not stank broads. (lol)

    YES! And when you are boo’ed up it’s like ok…you aren’t exposed and when you’re tripping over women he will certainly tell you and that’s so grand…

    @Slim

    Are you exempting women from pushing limits too?

  62. Slim Jackson Says:

    Women can push the limits too. I just think women do it differently. Where as a dude may be like “Let me see how much I can get away with”, a woman will be on that “Let me see what it takes to make him flip the f*ck out”. It’s called poking the bear.lol.

  63. Jaci Says:

    “Let me see what it takes to make him flip the f*ck out”.

    I swear you are right. We really do…and then we laugh about it hysterically later on with our girls…and we are SO wrong for doing it but hey we gotta have fun somehow!

  64. Eightys Baby Says:

    yall can’t get along with eachother long enough to stop hating.

    @undressing…….I’m not for sure who you’re referring to. But the majority of us can get along. It’s just those few out here talking about they can’t get along with other females… U might want to ask them what’s THEIR reason for not being able to get along with other females…That’s another lie similar to the shortage of black men one…

    Black women can get along!!!!!!!!!!!!

    On to the topic at hand…. I think both sides push the limit. I thought it was expected.

  65. Mikki Says:

    I dont think we all bush limits because its in our nature to do so. Im late to work every day and nobody said a word to me. Now id be stupid not to straiten up n fly right because eventually someone is going to say something but if i had no conseqence guess what i would do it for life!! Lol

    Maybe woman feel more guilty for not doing right but men simply dont care most of the time and this is why women have a fit. I dont think we should be mad about it, just set your limits n get over it. If he acts up make sure has a price to pay and you can do that in a loving unmothering way ie nagging ect…..

    be like hey boo i love u but umm if i have to ask you again to take out the trash we wont be having sex… And u must not be afriad to actually follow through most men get it!

  66. Mikki Says:

    I meant to say do push lol

  67. Jaci Says:

    If he acts up make sure has a price to pay and you can do that in a loving unmothering way ie nagging ect…..

    Hahaha…hold the p*ssy over his head…that’s a good one Mik…but I kinda think doing that goes alone the lines of making him flip out like Slim said…which could be negative because then you have the issue of what you won’t do..someone else will!

  68. Mikki Says:

    jac pulling that card only works outside of marriage work because there is no real commitment there, so if he leaves and cheats his heart out who am I really to fuss about it? Now if im married im sorry but thats adultery and I have a right to divorce him if its stupid A** wants to pull that card lol.

    but it doesn’t have to just be sex, it can be whatever he values (most of the time its sex) Its not really about manipulation its about not getting something for nothing. If we don’t go to work we dont get paid? i dont understand why that is hard to grasp in a relationship setting and people try to treat it differently.

    I would expect my husband to do the same with me if I was acting a plum fool.

    further more why am I afraid that you are going to “Get it somewhere else” thats the most stupidest thing I have heard and if im dating a man who thinks that way shame on my stupid A** lol.

  69. Lovely Paradox Says:

    Hi All,

    For some reason whenever I try to log in to the Comeback Girl, I am being redirected to the old/new Comeback Jones site. CBG, did you ban me? 🙂

  70. Mikki Says:

    LP type comeback jones in google, that same thing happen to me but when i googled it, it works

  71. Lovely Paradox Says:

    Thanks Mikki. Lol!

  72. Eightys Baby Says:

    @Lp… even when u you do the regular http://www.thecomebackgirl.com ?

  73. Lovely Paradox Says:

    @Mikki,

    Still no bueno. Oh well! I guess y’all need to put another post so I can make my friday go by faster!!! 🙂

  74. Mikki Says:

    lp u dont see that big brown website??

    there isn’t anything on it just a sample lol

  75. Lovely Paradox Says:

    @Mikki,

    I only do see that big brown website, the thing is I am not able to access the old site so I am not able to read any of the new posts. Yesterday, I used a different laptop and was able to view the site. Being the conspiracy theorist/aficionado that I am, I think somebody put a hoax on this laptop (or CBG just banned me… :D)

  76. thecomebackgirl Says:

    @ LP..really??? you can’t click on

    http://www.thecomebackgirl.com
    ???

    clear your browser cache

  77. Jaci Says:

    further more why am I afraid that you are going to “Get it somewhere else” thats the most stupidest thing I have heard and if im dating a man who thinks that way shame on my stupid A** lol.

    I think this is something that occurs throughout all relationships whether married or not. There was a great conversation about this over on BMWK not long ago where a lady came in and said that this was the very thing that occurs. I really feel that men & women are holding too many things over their partners heads instead of fighting clean & really getting to the issues which to me is a game within itself.

    @LP

    Hmm…I can still see regular old theCBG.com…

    Maybe she’s fixing stuff again?

  78. thecomebackgirl Says:

    I DID NOT BAN YOU LP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i don’t ban feminists no matter how far they have been led astray .

  79. Jaci Says:

    @CBG

    I’m so grateful for that…where else would I learn!?

  80. Mikki Says:

    Jac you are right it occurs in both instances married or not which i didn’t clarify but my point was if im not married then I really have no say as to you “leaving” if I am married I expect you to hold a much higher standard than what if we were just boyfriend and girlfriend. Either way its stupid and im leaving if you do that or even HINT that your going to leave.

    But my point is, if you aren’t holding up your end of the bargain as a husband why am I held to hold up my end plain and simple you dont get something for nothing. If you decided one day you didn’t want to help me take care of the kids and I know you LOVE SEX guess what until you decided you want to help you aren’t getting it from me. If you step outside of our marriage and cheat guess who is gonna suffer for your stupidity not me I can assure you.

    now im not condoning just being random about withholding WHATEVER but darnit if you aren’t being what you are suppose to in the relationship than I have no use for you and simply we wont date.

    how does it look for me to be cooking, cleaning, washing your clothes, feeding the little ones, and giving you sex on demand just cuz?? what the effy kind of world do we live in where its ok for a man not to do ish and we just keep treating them as if its nothing??

    once we take a stand against it guess what?? it wont happen. Again you can take that whole ” imma leave you for a woman who will” and stick it where the sun dont shine lol.

    this is exactly what my fb status is about, in a relationship we are required to do certain things and once one of us stops all bets are off until we can resolve said issue. Like if I keep telling my husband Im to tired to have sex for 3 weeks I don’t expect him to keep giving me his check to go shopping with because im not holding my end of the bargain call it pimpin if u must (in this example) but if he kept giving me money and I knew i didn’t have to please him I probably would, but the minute he tells me its not exceptable and im going to suffer, guess what, im gonna do right by him. It works with anything in life why must it be any different in relationships is soo puzzling to me!!!

    im off my soap box lol

  81. Jaci Says:

    @Mik

    Hooray! What you’re saying makes total sense.

    And there’s a lot of men out there who are providing their as$es off and coming home to dirty houses, kids and wives…all the way around accountability is lacking…

    Once you tell dudes look I’m out if you don’t do such and such they get with the program before God get the news…

    That’s gospel

  82. V Renee Says:

    “Hahaha…hold the p*ssy over his head”

    This is not a tactic I recommend AT ALL!!!!!! This should NEVER be done.

  83. V Renee Says:

    “Like if I keep telling my husband Im to tired to have sex for 3 weeks I don’t expect him to keep giving me his check to go shopping with because im not holding my end of the bargain call it pimpin if u must (in this example) but if he kept giving me money and I knew i didn’t have to please him I probably would, but the minute he tells me its not exceptable and im going to suffer, guess what, im gonna do right by him. ”

    So basically it’s tit for tat. Not sure if I agree with this either. I agree everyone has bargains to uphold or whatnot. But we can’t discount that sometimes LIFE HAPPENS. Sometimes sex won’t happen as often as it may have. Sometimes the house won’t be spic and span clean everyday. Sometimes people may not hold up their end of the bargain. Hopefully it’s temporary, but I don’t think “punishment” is the way to go because something is not occuring, oh let’s say 1 month out of 5years of marriage.

  84. Jaci Says:

    @V

    Holding it over his head is kinda like pedestaling it…which the men have already told us…ISN’T GONNA WORK!

    I think the best bargaining tool is going to be sitting down and talking…calmly and quietly then possibly having to say you know what I was wrong, but the game playing HAS TO STOP.

    IN my relationships I think the best thing to get something done has been talking like look…here’s the issue and then I get…well what can we do to fix it.

    BUT…you cannot CANNOT blame everything on your mate. At some point you have to say…here’s how I feel, not here’s how you make me feel…no one can make you do anything.

  85. Mikki Says:

    Thanks Jac funny thing is men don’t recognize they have the same power as women do, they just are afraid to use it plus all the “Feminism” is going to folks head.

    I would hope men get enough sense to not use “imma cheat” as a way to scare or threaten us (and women the same)

    but if we start to think a lil bit outside the box we would save more relationships than not. Even if I was in a dating situation (assuming I am NOT a feminist lol) and a guy said to me “look u trippin seriously” and if you keep acting this way, I am not going to be here or keep doing the things I do for you, i would be like well dang OK BABY!!! lol. Unless his demands are outlandish im going to fly right.

    these days women have there butts so far stuck up their behinds they think that leaving just resolves issues on the shear basis of “i dont need a man” well i can’t speak for all women but I sure in the heck DO and im not afraid to say it.

    V it is tit for tat but it works at my job and everywhere else I go EXCEPT dating????

    I agree we aren’t going to be perfect but if you clearly are stepping out of line for LONG periods of time with NO real excuse then why not let that person know its not ok and if u don’t stop you get xyz???

    now if you are ill or something drastic has happen I wouldn’t hold you to the same standards unless you are milking a situation.

    just like my best friend, her “boo” has been acting rather shaddy and while i don’t agree with her whole situation I agree with her not having sex with him. Its been a week and he still thinks its ok to do “whatever” now eventually he is going to get tired of no sex and start acting right, or she is gonna leave him or vise versa and she aint scared of either option.

    she cooks, she cleans, she gives him everything and he still acts up yet she shouldn’t do nothing about it? again it doesn’t have to be sex that just happens to be the easiest target IMHO

  86. Eightys Baby Says:

    she cooks, she cleans, she gives him everything and he still acts up yet she shouldn’t do nothing about it?

    @mik… Ummmm has he got his divorce yet?????

  87. Jaci Says:

    men don’t recognize they have the same power as women do

    I’ll admit it. Even though we tell them they don’t and that we can replace them with toys *hehehe* Beyond that you are def correct. We do need men…and for more than just the peen…for his strength, his character and his integrity. That makes me melt…swoon…*sigh*

    What’s more important is that we do take our heads out our booties. Take the degrees off the table….pull the make up off and just be ourselves…be a man and a woman…at their core. That’s what’s really missing…(what the 50s ladies have over us)

    re: your friend and her situation

    I really don’t think she should just be withholding. He’s gonna have to talk to me. I need to know what is going on…

    Jac will break a negro down…HARD…and not even blink…we’ll talk all night..I’ll go Madea and re ask the 1st question as question 63…but I will get answers!

  88. Mikki Says:

    Jac yep, talk about it FIRST and always…..

    and im sorry P*ssy IS power, maybe not for EVERY man who is used to getting it 24/7 on demand when and how he wants it but that wont be the man I end up with I can assure you. I can’t by into that you get sex any time anyplace cuz thats how u end up with std’s and if you as a man are cool with that then go have your sex like i eat m&m’s (a lot). Thats almost as bad as buying into there are no good black men crap.

    if u let a man keep telling you that eventually you will think its true.

  89. Jaci Says:

    Then we will do that whole spooning thing…til it’s right AGAIN!

  90. Mikki Says:

    “Take the degrees off the table….pull the make up off and just be ourselves…be a man and a woman…at their core. That’s what’s really missing…(what the 50s ladies have over us)”

    church!!!

    as for my friend 80’s the papers have been filed but I promise you its gonna get drug out because wifey is CRAZY!!! lol

    Jac my friend is in a bad situation as it is, dating a man who is still married, he is clearly having his cake and eating it too and I promise you there is NOT ANOTHER woman on the planet that will do what my bestie is doing for him EXCEPT his wife and in which case it might be a good idea for him to go back to her. we all know this, its just a matter of time.

  91. Jaci Says:

    WAIT!!! What? Ain’t nobody having no anytime, any place sex…I’m not Ms. Jackson (though I wish I was)

    And I kinda think men do…Sometimes I feel like they would do any AND everything just for a piece of the pie regardless of how stupid it is or what is cost them at home. I think that’s something we need to re-evaluate too.

    Almost like men traveling to Brazil…ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

    You really need to go somewhere where the women don’t require anything of you…just to have a tool? That’s nuts…

    But women..do the same thing…like the whole White women traveling to Africa or the islands thing…this is absurd. As an entire “generation” we’ve lowered our standards to the points of instant gratification and no self respect…

    It’s sad.

  92. Mikki Says:

    exactly and im here to put a stop to it!!! who is with me!!! lol

  93. Jaci Says:

    @Mik

    Say what? She doing the cooking and cleaning too?

    We need to haul her to yaya school…while I don’t condone being with married men I will say you should take *pause* with the whole situation and really think…why am I offering all this to a married man (ie someone else’s blessing) and all he’s offering me is a few minutes here or there when her back is turned…

    She could have her OWN MAN…that’s doing crap only for her if she would put his stupid butt AWAY!

  94. V Renee Says:

    I agree with talking trying to figure stuff out. I just will not promote withholding sex to get someone to “ack right”. It doesn’t really make sense to me. For one, because I have needs my own self. So basically I’m denying myself satisfaction to prove something to you. Ummmm no. For two, I don’t think it really solves anything. So both of yall are just walking around sexually frustrated, probably making a bad situation worse. Our communication is off. If we can’t work things out, we can go our separate ways.

    P*ssy IS power. But it’s not the end to be all. It’s important in a relationship but it won’t get a man to stay when he doesn’t want to stay. Nor will it get him to “ack right” when he doesn’t want to.

    Let a man try to withhold peen. I’m beating his azz everynight when he goes to sleep. LOL. I kid I kid

  95. Mikki Says:

    lol V again it doesn’t have to be sex AT all so let me remove that from the example and see how u feel.

    if you cooked, cleaned, washed his clothes took care of the babies are you going to continue to do ALL of these things if he starts tripping? lets say we had a “talk” already. Then what…….

    jac thats my point exactly lol. She told me “he on his way out” what the effy?? he shoulda been OUT the minute he started acting like he owned HER ish!!!

    when I say he brings nothing to the table I mean NOTHING and to add this fool wants sex every single day with 3 o’s (his not hers lol) Im sorry but if im going to be going to hell, i better be getting paid for it just like judge mathis told the lil 15 year old gang banger, he was like why you out there getting beat down but not getting any money YOU AINT NO REAL GANG BANGER!! between my friend and her man they make 90k tell me why he washing his clothes and his butt, eating her food in HER HOUSE whom she pays the mortgage on but , not contributing jack !!

    ouchy poo im mad lol

  96. Jaci Says:

    Let a man try to withhold peen. I’m beating his azz everynight when he goes to sleep. LOL. I kid I kid

    I’m not. I’m serious.

    Oh dear V how I love thee…

    But seriously…I think you’re own to something…and if a man can freely withhold peen I am going to O_o his butt, because now I think you are giving it somewhere else and Jaci can’t have that…

    But talking it out can always work–it’s about being sure that each person’s love tank is filled (I love that book) and being sure that everything is everything within their lives…

    For me, one time I thought it was being withheld and I found out that due to stress he wasn’t feeling it and felt that if he couldn’t put in 100% then he wouldn’t put it any…well…I would rather you put 10 than nothing cause that’s what you make it…but the communication HAS GOT TO BE THERE…in the morning…when sex over and you’ve got to go to work 😀

  97. Jaci Says:

    to add this fool wants sex every single day with 3 o’s (his not hers lol)

    Damn shame. One 0 works for me…ONE sh!t.

    Ain’t no way in Hades a MF coming up in my house eating and drinking and you ain’t payin for no cable or food or something…and yet you’re paying bills where she is…

    You need to decide where you wanna be and get there, but leave my black arse of the equation if it’s got to be all dat!

  98. Mikki Says:

    lol Jac, my phone died before I could ask her “what do you hope to get out of this relationship”

    never did call her back lol.

  99. Eightys Baby Says:

    between my friend and her man they make 90k tell me why he washing his clothes and his butt, eating her food in HER HOUSE whom she pays the mortgage on but , not contributing jack !!

    @Mik… And see all of this kind of goes back to Peyso’s original twitter post…. Still married dude definitely pushed the limit and ur bestie allowed it….. Initially, all of this wasn’t a problem until she wanted more. I blame her… Now she’s trying to push her limit to see how much he gonna take…….

  100. Lovely Paradox Says:

    @CBG,
    I cleared my cache, deleted my history and everything… Still nothing. I think Technology quit me today (my smartship is not registering so I have no phone access… *smh*). I’ll bear my cross until I get home or something.

    Re: “withholding sex”
    The whole “withholding” stuff seems a bit silly. And why am I “punishing” my partner? I am not his mother nor do I want to be. We are both ADULTS that need to be able to talk to each other, take responsibility for our actions and realize that those actions may/will have consequences. If I am not with that type of partner then I should blame myself. Like V said, life will not always be perfect or a fairy tale, it’s the way both individuals act during those valleys that is the true test of the relationship. Like my grandma used to say, it’s easy to be generous when your belly is full. However, those valley moments should only occur once in a blue moon. If your entire relationship is a valley and you catch yourself “punishing” your partner every other day, then obviously something is very wrong.

  101. V Renee Says:

    “if you cooked, cleaned, washed his clothes took care of the babies are you going to continue to do ALL of these things if he starts tripping? lets say we had a “talk” already. Then what…….”

    If I did the above, the only thing I MAY do differently is stop washing his clothes. I want my house clean. I want to eat. And my kids will FOR SURE be taken care of. If he’s not changing then it’s time for a break (a permanent one).

    As for in cases of marriage, I’ve said this before, I believe in forever (minus azz whoopings and abuse). And forever is a LOOOONNNNGGG time. (*please note that nothing I say is set in stone. I have the right to adjust my point of views as I see fit and experience thangs). A leopard doesn’t change his spots. If he’s doing shady things, I believe in most cases he was doing shady stuff before. You may have chose to overlook it. But people don’t do drastic changes all of a sudden (different from growth).

    How mad can your friend be if she knows the kind of person he is? It’s nothing new. People show you who they are and what they are about. If you make the decision to roll with them anyway, then d@mmit roll with them.

  102. V Renee Says:

    @ 80’s “Still married dude definitely pushed the limit and ur bestie allowed it….. Initially, all of this wasn’t a problem until she wanted more. I blame her… Now she’s trying to push her limit to see how much he gonna take…….”

    EXACTLY!!!!!!!!! Why is she all of a sudden getting mad now? If she’s going to be mad at anyone, it should be herself.

  103. Lovely Paradox Says:

    How mad can your friend be if she knows the kind of person he is? It’s nothing new. People show you who they are and what they are about. If you make the decision to roll with them anyway, then d@mmit roll with them.

    Pretty much.

  104. Jaci Says:

    @80s

    Right…and once you have all that limit pushing you end up with nothing but game playing again…

    @V

    Right…only so much can change when you’re in house, because you’ve gotta make sure it’s getting taken care of..but we just kicking it and not married…won’t be no dinner for you..and I damned skippy won’t be washing your clothes and I might withhold sex then too…because I have that kinda trust issue that might tell me that you off doing the do with Melissa from next door…and I’m not tryna be caught up in no clinic.

  105. Mikki Says:

    exactly 80’s she had no boundaries to begin with so she was screwed from day one lol.

    I think she had that “he is my soulmate” vibe going on and she was willing to go to bat for him at whatever the cost.

    the dude actually was acting right when they first started out. He brought her flowers, cooked, cleaned ect… in my eyes he sounded like the perfect dude but the only diff is I knew it would eventually go wrong which its starting to.

    V i agree you should clean your house take care of kids ect, but not washing clothes thats it??? lol you so sweet lol.

    I agree in forever as well but I won’t stand for being mistreated and human nature causes us to sometimes act a fool if you will. I don’t expect my husband to be perfect nor will I be every day but my point is I would want him to put me in line just as I would do him if we wanted to venture off and go to la la land.

    also people use divorce as a end all be all. I would first separate for a day or two or three when i actually still care about my marriage (which most people don’t when they leave) I would let him know look boo, you outta line, im leaving until you can get a clue, im gonna tell your momma on you too!!! lol.

    exactly jac, but it works in marriage too, heck ask a married person!!! lol.

  106. Eightys Baby Says:

    EXACTLY!!!!!!!!! Why is she all of a sudden getting mad now? If she’s going to be mad at anyone, it should be herself.

    @V…Right… I would NOT be surprised if he’s like I don’t have to deal with this and bounce ASAP… Then it’s gonna be like man, i allowed soo much and he ain’t allow nothing at all……

    That all goes back to having standards and thangs……. She had none in the beginning… Not saying she’s not right for finally getting some but the decision is now his on whether he’s gonna deal with it or be out!!!!!!

  107. Mikki Says:

    oh yea thats what i forgot to say,

    she asked him to move in with her to help with bills this fool told her “you don’t cook enough”

    i died and went to heaven!! his clothes would have been out on the grass that very moment!!!

  108. Eightys Baby Says:

    @Mik….Awwww tell your friend to get a clue… Unfortunately withholding her P&ssy is not going to do much in this case though….

  109. Jaci Says:

    Excuse me?

    She doesn’t cook enough?

    N!gga what? Take yo broke arse home to YOUR WIFE!

    Now in the beginning when he was doing all this cooking, flower buying, etc did she know he was married? Because she had to know that things would go south…and soon…

    I can’t help but wonder why men who do this really do it…is it a self-esteem issue…is there some chance that the marriage is flawed and they want out…and if so…what if the side chick has boundaries and standards…is there such a thing…?

    I’m feeling a post coming about…

  110. V Renee Says:

    “V i agree you should clean your house take care of kids ect, but not washing clothes thats it??? lol you so sweet lol.”

    I probably would still wash them if they stank. Ha! I’m just not about to play games with people. My parents have been married for almost 30 years. They have been through the highs and lows. NOT ONCE have I ever seen my mama pull some foolishness like “Im about to stop washing your clothes. Cooking or whatnot”. It seems almost childish to me. What we will do is communicate and work through whatever it is we got going on. And I think they came out stronger in the end.

  111. V Renee Says:

    “@Mik….Awwww tell your friend to get a clue… Unfortunately withholding her P&ssy is not going to do much in this case though….”

    Withholding the P isn’t going to do a d@mn thing……..

  112. Mikki Says:

    Mik….Awwww tell your friend to get a clue… Unfortunately withholding her P&ssy is not going to do much in this case though….

    80’s I agree 100% lol, but she tryin is all i can say lol. she “hopes” it will work but im like you i think he is too far gone to care. another instance she asked him to cut the grass and he said “you do it”

    again i died, i was just on the phone last night dying away lol

    jac, it slowly came out but not right away. he first told her he had issues in his marriage, then he told her he was getting a divorce. he was still living with his wife at this time, then he moved out. he is suppose to be living with his cousin, but spends 95% of his time at my besties house. he still takes care of his son and pays bills at his wifes house.

  113. V Renee Says:

    “he still takes care of his son and pays bills at his wifes house.”

    I’m not even mad that he’s still paying bills at the wifes house……

  114. Eightys Baby Says:

    @Mik…I’m done talking about this silly friend of yours… We knew this day was coming ALLL ALONG…..She the only one who didn’t know… Ha! I wish I would ask my supposed man to cut the grass and he say you do it…. Yeah f’n right!!!!!!!

    How’s your new place coming along? Didn’t you go shopping recently????

  115. Jaci Says:

    The devil is a lie.

    He still lyin…he ain’t finna get no divorce from nobody…it’s a temporary break…

    And like V…I’m not mad about him paying bills AT HOME…where THE HEART IS.

    This is seriously a problem…how is it that she can sit there looking in this ninja face and know he won’t buy her a damned can of green beans, but still serve up the P and fried chicken on a platter?!

    SHE CAN FIND SOMEONE OF HER OWN!

    Where is her self-esteem and self-respect!?

  116. Jaci Says:

    Ha! I wish I would ask my supposed man to cut the grass and he say you do it…. Yeah f’n right!!!!!!

    I offered one time and he was like nah babe…you go shop or something…(I was just tryna see)

    MIk-a-doodle…what kinda shopping you doing?

    I WANNA SHOP…

    Oh and I need to e-mail you about a credit card thing!!!

  117. Mikki Says:

    V im pretty sure your mom set her standards from day 1, and thats all im advocating so hopefully we don’t end up having to “withhold” but the original post was about treating men like children, which im assuming is an issue if the person who wrote it brought it up.

    its not about having to “withhold or even nagg like a mom per say” but its about having standards and boundaries from DAY ONE!! cuz i bet if we do that we wont have to deal with that in the first place.

    but just incase, im going to ask my husband to “withhold” from me if “talking” doesn’t work and I am going to do the same for him. In a perfect world we are just gonna be adults lol yearightcaughcaugh

    jac, she is trippin lol

    80’s my new place is great, i purchased a new bed the other day and i been late to work ever since lol.

  118. Lovely Paradox Says:

    Mik,

    I am sorry to say your friend is not very bright. The dude is still married, what does she expect? I mean if you are willing to play second fiddle to someone, why should he treat you like first fiddle?

    Like 80’s said, she just needs to get a clue. Vanna White is selling some!!!

  119. V Renee Says:

    LP – Where have you been?!?!?!?! I miss you at the treehouse 😦

  120. Mikki Says:

    Jac im shopping for my apt because i have NOTHING!

    80’s yesterday I brought these lil mini plates for the kitchen. Im going for a Tuscan theme in there which will eventually flow into the dinning room when i can afford a table lol. the living room will be last and i still dont have ideas for it but heck im done shopping for the year lol.

    LP im kilt!!!! you silly!

  121. Jaci Says:

    LP

    iQuit. Not Vanna White!!!

    @Mikki

    I know I know…ooooh are you gonna paint the living room yellow and red? For some reason that says Tuscan to me!

    Have you thought about Craigslist or that yahoo thing to find furniture?

  122. Eightys Baby Says:

    @Jac… I don’t know if I would recommend Craigslist for furniture…. Mainly due to the bedbug epidemic.. But that’s just me.

  123. Jaci Says:

    80s

    What bedbug epidemic? I guess since we not really buying furniture I know nothing 😦

  124. Mikki Says:

    Jac im buying everything new just my own person pref, i did look into craigs list at first but i saw nothing that i would even think to buy lol.

    im not painting because my apt doesn’t allow it. so yesterday the lady at the potty barn helped me come up with things to give the room color without paint. things like pictures, umm rugs, wall art, wine racks, things like that.

    she also told me to buy plain wooden bar stools for my bar then put some type of tuscany type of cushins for them, such a great idea. I just dont have the money yet lol.

  125. Eightys Baby Says:

    What bedbug epidemic?

    @Jac… Girl bedbugs are everywhere these days!!!!! Regardless of the “class” of the hotel check the bed…. They’re all in apartment complexes and everything…….

  126. Lovely Paradox Says:

    @V,

    LP – Where have you been?!?!?!?! I miss you at the treehouse

    I miss you too girlie :(. I just can’t get on the treehouse anymore from this laptop for some strange reason which CBG promised was not a voluntary ban 😀

    Re: Bedbugs
    Yep, there is an epidemic going on around the country. They even had a conference about in April or so. It’s really, really bad.

  127. Jaci Says:

    @80s

    Damn…yes I am going to have to do this..thankfully I don’t have any hotel stays coming up plus this whole 50% of the US having swine flu thing has me spooooked

    @LP

    Welcome back…

    @Mik

    Yes you can add color in a variety of ways…from curtains and pictures to rugs and lamp shades 🙂

    On the note…ladies and gents who are lurking…

    I’m outt…Have a wonderful weekend and I’ll see you all on Monday!

  128. I didn’t get into this conversation early enough to really participate. Damn!

    But here’s my minor contributinon. I always say to women that it isn’t lack of knowledge that keeps them running into bad men situations. It’s lack of execution. Peyso tweeted the truth and once again is soon to be given a citation (as I often have) for sharing MAN CODE (payable by check, cash or money order). Problem is, it doesn’t matter. We could share the whole MAN CODE book and the problem with a good portion of women is the lack of execution on the knowledge that they would be given.

    She is an example of such a woman.

    If she or any woman for that matter would just execute on this knowledge that Peyso is sharing as early in the relationship as possible (like first date), I gur-run-tee that you’ll have less garbage men in your life. Either because you would kick his a$$ to the curb early before you had a fleeting moment of compassion for him or he would run from you like you’re garlic and he’s a vampire!

    This whole “he should treat me right because that’s what he should do” is a bunch of crap. People have been abusing people since the dawn of time. That ain’t changing. Execute on what you know!

  129. just pick up last months issue of Essense magazine. There’s an entire article about black PROFESSIONAL women and the hatred, not just amongst lil’ hoodrats. Women have such fake commitment. I thought ‘a certain ‘sorority’ were for life, unbreakable bond? ….I had sex with 3 girls out of the same campus. And they ALMOST fell out about it, until I had to talk some since to 2 them, lol.

  130. […] was pretty interesting over on SSSO. So much so, I can actually see my own growth and evolution being a woman of strength. I’m so […]


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