This post is for you, social retard, that I am forced to pass every day while taking my four block hike to and from work. If it weren’t for the fact that I could not avoid you, I wouldn’t even be worried about it- but since we are forced to coexist, I feel the need to address you.
This is term is not to be mistaken for the socially awkward because although you might be a little strange (and STRANGE = INTERESTING = GOOD!), you are galaxies away from creep.
Instead, this post is for you creepers who KNOW what you are doing and you just don’t give a sh!t. (Excuse my strong language- for I’ve encountered one of you just a few minutes ago- my emotions are still high!)
I assumed everyone was born with the same inherent ability to function in this world- to function without being creepy. But you know what happens when you assume right????? So it’s my fault. I’m going to go ahead and do my community service and try to help you out this one time and one time only. After this, I am not to be held accountable for my actions.
1. Stop STARING!!!!!! I know your mother/ someone with authority in your life has told you it’s not polite to stare at others ever since you were a young tot. So, what makes you think it’s okay to stare at people NOW? YOU ARE AN ADULT. And what makes you think that the other person is okay with this- Or do you just not care? What are you gaining from doing it? It’s weird as hell and you look like a serial killer. There should a law against staring at people. It’s not sexy and I want to spit in your face. Ahem. (*deep breaths Sunny, deep breaths*)
Next time I catch you doing it, that curt, elementary school “HI,” twisted with a little sister girl neck action is going to be replaced with a few CHOICE WORDS (and I’m sure you know what those are!)
Tip: If you find a woman so interesting or captivating that you cannot help but to stare, say something. Tell her. Fake and ask for some directions. Something that will give you a couple more minutes of looking into her face. Don’t turn into a stalker, do not start following her- for you WILL be reported and prolly arrested.
2. GRUNTS AND GROANS ARE NOT COMPLIMENTS: I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been grunted at while minding my own business. It’s gotten so that I walk around with my iPod blaring, so I don’t have to hear them. (So loud that now I think my hearing is not as well as it use to be- I’ll be sending my hearing aid bill to your Socially Retarded/ Lurkers Organization. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!) When you see a pretty or nicely dressed woman, tell her, smile and walk away. If she starts a conversation with you, you are in like flint. If not, leave her the hell alone!!!!! Chalk it up as experience.
Grunting and moaning (in anything other than a sexual encounter) is for perverts… so QUIT DOING IT.
Get these two down and I’ll add more. It’s like learning math for the first time- your teacher didn’t start you right in with multiplication. But unlike your teacher, like I said before, I WON’T BE REPEATING THIS.
Readers- Do you have any experience/ advice for the social retards? Anyone brave enough to admit they are one?