Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

IMHO: How to Love a Black Man? September 9, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — peyso @ 10:33 pm

Most black women have no issue luring and trapping attracting a black man. Though there may be a challenge for some in getting through the games and the horseshit, the real trouble does not begin until you are in relationship with this black man. There have been books and articles written about this topic but I feel like they do not speak from a black man’s perspective. This isn’t a how to guide for making an “aint shit” kneegrow to a good dude. I’m trying to write a guide to keeping a black MAN not a boy. This is for the folk who seriously have a good dude and want to know how they need to love their man. I would love if one of the lovely ladies of SSSO could attempt at writing me a guide also. Many people argue that loving a black man should not be any different than loving any other man of any other race. This is line of thought is deeply problematic.

 

As many of you know black men are among the most browbeaten, subjugated group of people in the world. Black men were once the rulers of their own tribes and kingdoms in an educated and resource laden Africa. They were stolen and enslaved in what are now the Americas. This is where the demoralization begins. I’m not saying that black women weren’t victims of this maafa but their fall from grace was not as drastic. Outside of Hatshepsut, Cleopatra and Theodora (The Byzantine Empire included Northern Africa) I don’t know many women of African descent who had ascended to positions of power in those extremely patriarchal and often misogynistic societies. No other group of people outside of the American and South American Indians experienced such a drastic fall from grace.

 

During the slave era, men were emasculated in front of groups of slaves in order to instill fear in those groups. Beginning in the post-bellum period and extending well into the 50’s and 60’s, black men were hunted for sport and strung from every type of tree imaginable.

 

Since then, black men have been removed from the black family structure in various ways and society has morphed that family structure into one not prepared to raise nor be led by a black man. It is for these reasons (and trust that this they are abbreviated) that the black man needs a very specific kind of love.

 

I think the first step to loving black men is to realize that our history has an pyschological effect on both genders. Next, please understand the extent of the brainwashing that has happened to men as a whole (This generalization does not capture nor describe every man). Men have been programmed into believing that there are certain characteristics that constitute a “real” man. This is true, there are characteristics that make a good man; however, those characteristics are often not the ones being held today. There is a way to deprogram a brainwashed man, given that he is receptive, respectful and actually wants to be with you. That way is to be a good woman to him and here is what constitutes being a good woman:

 

1)      Be his number 1. What I mean by this is that you should a host of number ones in his life. His number one fan; he’ll have support from everyone and their mama when he’s doing well but you may be the only supporter “when things go wrong as they some time will”. Do note that this isn’t blindly supporting him; you must hold him accountable for his actions, his successes and his failures. His number one critic; you know his dreams and his talents and probably understand better than he does his capabilities. You are in the best position constructive criticisms to help reach his goals. Whatever positives that he can receive outside the relationship, you should be the first person to offer them.

2)      Allow him to be a man. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD PUT UP WITH THAT BS. Protecting another person’s ego should not have an affect on your own. However, do remember that though it takes just as much strength to follow as it does to lead. This doesn’t mean that you should be at his beck and call. Your opinion matters just as much as his. This isn’t the type of following that has you trailing behind him but you’re standing beside him ready to take on the world.

3)      Give him what the world fails to. I think that the purpose of a relationship other than to be a life companion and knowing where that next piece of booty is coming is to provide your SO with what the world fails to give them. IMHO the world fails to appreciate the black woman. Where as white women and black men start off in this world with one “strike” (sex and race respectively) black women have two “strikes”. What black men fail to get in this world is respect. We don’t feel needed. We know you’re independent and that you can do it all by yourself but remember that it may have an affect on your S.O.

4)      Be LIKE his mother but not his mother. A mother holds a special place in any man’s heart. There are very few men who do not have a deep respect and love for their mothers. They would go to the end of the earth for their mothers. In most instances, their mothers would go to the end of the earth to help and provide for their children. The reason that men hold their mothers in such esteem is because their mothers have supported them and their mothers demand respect from them. Women should demand the same respect of men that they give their mothers. Most men do not speak to their mothers disrespectfully so they shouldn’t speak to you in that way. You are someone’s (or will be someone’s) mother. At the same time, you have to respect them and support them like a mother would. HOWEVER, you are not his mother. You are not and should not be expected to teach him have manners or to be respectful or rear him in anyway.

 

 

I hope that I provided some insight into loving a black man. I’ve never loved a black man so I don’t know if these are facts. But what I did was think of things that my SO does for me and the stuff I see my mom does for her SO. Fellas any input? Ladies?

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103 Responses to “IMHO: How to Love a Black Man?”

  1. Athena Nike Says:

    I likes-
    Been a long time since a halfway decent relationship so I have begun feeling I am so not prepared to love a good black man, perhaps cause I’m innundated with more social retards than real men, and I don’t suffer fools well. So you make some great points, when I next get my turn, I’ll be better prepared.

  2. I agree with all of your ways to love a man, but what I have trouble with grasping, is the need for a differentiation for a BLACK man.

    I don’t feel like men are still feeling the effects of falling from grace anymore than we (as women) do…. we both deal with the same day to day struggles- racism, getting paid less than we are worth, etc.

    That’s why it’d be so hard for me to write something on loving a black woman- I don’t think I need any love different than a white woman, a Puerto Rican or an Asian….. Although I do need a man who understands that between the race barriers, some customs will change, I expect LOVE to be the one thing that’s constant between race lines. The only difference is what kind of love each individual woman would want.

  3. Peyso on the BB Says:

    @ Nicki – I gave the historical background so that you can see what blk men have gone through. If you think the implications of our shared experiences are over, then how we do explain the current prison populations and other social ills that black men and more importantly the black family deal with. I didn’t give historical background to say that one sex had/s it worse than the other but to show how systemic the oppression of black men has become; it has been engrained in society since our arrival here.
    I don’t understand how can you love with no respect to the events that shaped them. Consider this (a bit crude so I apologize in advance) example: a women is raped. She proceeds with her life, gets counseling and the whole sha-bang. Do you think that her next relationship is gonna be a normal relationship? Wouldn’t the next suitor have to take into consideration the consequences of the events that made her the person she is.
    In principal, theoretically, I guess we could argue that love should be the same across lines but in practice that’s not the case. It appears that you’re describing in a broad cannon that would encompass things you do b/c you care for someone. In that sense I agree that love should be a constant; however, when you consider the specific actions and type of actions you would have to do for your SO this is where things may become race specific.

  4. Bamer15 Says:

    First off, I love this post Peyso. Especially how you talked about the points of loving a black man. You laid the thoughts out clearly in my eyes.

    Second, I completely agree with Nicki’s post. I don’t think there needs to be any differences in the way you love a white, black, etc. women.

    @ peyso’s response to Nicki: I agree with the crude “rape” example that the next relationship for that women will be very hard, akward, not-normal, etc. But where I have a hard time agreeing with you is how you relate that to the black male love and where they came from. (slaves, opressed, beaten, etc.)

    I understand that this is not old history and is even closer to now than the last world war as you described above, but that didn’t happen to you personally, so the affects it had on you personally are less, no? And I think it’s an unfair analogy or example to compare the two. Rape to an individual is talking about just that individual, but if Rape happened to your grandma, would you act the same way as she did during your next relationship?

    Just food for thought…

  5. “4) Be LIKE his mother but not his mother. A mother holds a special place in any man’s heart. There are very few men who do not have a deep respect and love for their mothers. They would go to the end of the earth for their mothers. In most instances, their mothers would go to the end of the earth to help and provide for their children. The reason that men hold their mothers in such esteem is because their mothers have supported them and their mothers demand respect from them. Women should demand the same respect of men that they give their mothers. Most men do not speak to their mothers disrespectfully so they shouldn’t speak to you in that way. You are someone’s (or will be someone’s) mother. At the same time, you have to respect them and support them like a mother would. HOWEVER, you are not his mother. You are not and should not be expected to teach him have manners or to be respectful or rear him in anyway.”

    Good post.

    This point gives me pause ONLY because a mother-son bond is so very different than one he would have with SO. But I agree the respect should be there.

    However I’m on the fence with the notion, most men PERIOD, hold there mother up to unreachable standards. As it should be. Thats mother love. That isn’t romantic love.

  6. I understand what you said Peyso… but I don’t think all men are still thinking about that THAT deeply…. I don’t think the prison population have anything to do with the fact that

    “Black men were once the rulers of their own tribes and kingdoms in an educated and resource laden Africa. They were stolen and enslaved in what are now the Americas. This is where the demoralization”

    Instead, I believe it can be attributed to bad choices (for what ever reason they made them) or racism (being put in prison and not deserving it), or other factors, but not because the above happened.

    At what point do we stop using the past as a reason for our actions?

    I agree with what you said about the rape victim but I still think that’s different from this subject.

  7. Jac Says:

    Excellent post Peyso!

    I can completely understand where you are coming from here.

    (The whole thing and likely to the disagreement to my fellow women)

    I am going to pose this question to the women:

    Last night a white man called our president, a black man, a lie during his address to Congress. He showed no emotion and kept talking…but let us remember he is human & shaped by the same mold Peyso speaks of above. His wife had to pat him on the back & say it was okay…after all she is his backbone, his world, admittedly his everything.

    Now…if that had been George Bush he’d’ve made an ignorant joke and laughed cause he’s still holding the good ol’ boys card from Reconstruction.

    This is why what Peyso is saying holds true…how can we expect to love a black man the same we love one whose never faced more than which blazer to wear with his khaki pants?

  8. “Last night a white man called our president, a black man, a lie during his address to Congress. He showed no emotion and kept talking…”

    @Jaci: I didn’t watch the address.. but did he call him a liar because he was a black man or because he didn’t like what Obama was saying?

    I think even if Obama was an Asian man, his wife would have to support him that night….. I didn’t discount anything Peyso wrote about, I agreed with it all.. I just failed to see how race lines made a difference.

  9. “how can we expect to love a black man the same we love one whose never faced more than which blazer to wear with his khaki pants”

    And I don’t think just bc someone is white we should assume they don’t have struggles.. sure some of them were born with silver spoons, but my white girl friend has been things also- her mama is bipolar and she basically raised herself from a young age. They just have DIFFERENT struggles.

  10. Jac Says:

    @Nic

    I agree any woman would have had to offer support, but I do think the color of skin played a large part in it which is why I made the comment about Bush. Never has a president been that disrespected during an address to Congress. Whether he liked what Obama was saying or not if the name were O’Malley it would NOT have happened…that’s the part that makes it more baffling.

    And yes, white people do have struggles, but they are also more likely to get help be it from family or elsewhere…but there are ALWAYS gonna be exceptions to that rule. I don’t think anything is particularly hard or fast when you get right down to it, but I just see black men as being more susceptible to this foolishness than any others.

  11. ” I do think the color of skin played a large part in it which is why I made the comment about Bush”

    @Jaci: But how can we make a valid assumption of this???? I could be wrong- but are there any other statements out there that this man has made against Obama? Did he express a distaste of having him as president?

    Or did he simply not agree with what Obama said at this time… I’m not saying I love Bush (I can’t STAND HIM) but he got shoes thrown at him..

    Yes Obama has been targeted for being black. I agree with that- but what I’m saying is- can we say this incident was soley based upon that?

  12. V Renee Says:

    “@Jaci: I didn’t watch the address.. but did he call him a liar because he was a black man or because he didn’t like what Obama was saying? ”

    @ Nicki – I honestly believe it was a combination of both, but heavily swinging towards him being a black man.

    Great post Peyso. I tend to agree that black men need a love perhaps expressed a tad bit differently than others. I esp. agree with your number 3.

  13. “And yes, white people do have struggles, but they are also more likely to get help be it from family or elsewhere…but there are ALWAYS gonna be exceptions to that rule. ”

    And so do some black people.. if I have a struggle, I have family I can call on….. I am sure I am not the only one.

  14. Bamer15 Says:

    @ JAc: Wow that is a big rip on the last president, regardless of color. Hmm, not sure if I agree with you, but I get your part about the supporting your husband. (that particular night)

  15. peyso Says:

    @ CBG – When I say be like his mother, I mean demand the same respect that she demands but also give him the world in the way he would and in return he should do the same. Yes the love is of a very different type but I think those are two things that the two types share in common.

    @ Nicki – I think you are misunderstanding what I’m saying. I am not placing blame on society or history for the ills that black men face today. What I am doing is creating a back drop to show how black men have become what we are today. Here’s another example: the notion white femininity has afforded white women a certain place in our society. In many cases they are seen as pristine and to be protected and valued. Their virginity must be saved at all cost. Many psychological studies have been done to show that black women dont feel this way about their femininity and in some cases they yearn to feel this way. So with respects to this arguement, b/c a black women is generally not held in such a high regard outside of the house I have to be extra mindful to give that to her inside the house. Yes, all relationships should hold their SO in high regard but I think a relationship should also focus on what is most needed.
    If race didnt matter, the argument about protecting the black male ego would not exist. The black male ego is so fragile due to the societal pressures and historical occurences, that is irrefutable and undeniable. Many women feel that they have felt pressured to protect the black male ego to the detriment of their relationship. Yes this happens across races but the topic that effects the ego is different making the whole situation different.

    @ Bamer –
    “I understand that this is not old history and is even closer to now than the last world war as you described above, but that didn’t happen to you personally, so the affects it had on you personally are less, no? And I think it’s an unfair analogy or example to compare the two. Rape to an individual is talking about just that individual, but if Rape happened to your grandma, would you act the same way as she did during your next relationship?”

    Your response is problematic for a multitude of reasons. No one said that black men are personally effected (affected, i always get these mixed up) by those historical occurences but you have to understand how they created the situation that we live in today. I was trying to point out how systemic and routine the oppression of black people and in regards to this conversation, black men has become in this country. Do you not think beating down a group of people for hundreds of years are going to have widespread implications? Implications on the way they function in this society? Take this for example, Bamer, If I’m correct you’re a white guy. To my knowledge, you’re forward thinking, respectful and open minded guy. You have never personally disrespected a black dude or any other race and probably dont have a racist bone in your body. However, can you say that you havent benefited from white privelege? Can you say that your place in society was in no way affected by the actions and crimes of white men in this country over the last hundreds of years. The same can be said for black men but in the opposite…

  16. LastTrainToParis Says:

    First off good post Peyso

    I agree with the list of constitutes. My thing would be that I feel that the list would apply to any man. I think you have to understand the struggles of black men. But not every black man has the same struggles so you have to take it on a case by case basis. Just like the woman who was raped. I would have to be more sensitive to her because of what happened to her. But I can’t treat all women like they have been raped. Just like not all of us if any have faced race riots, slavery, and other things that have happened before us. And a lot of those incidents involved all black people not just black men.

    @Jac
    I see your point but wouldn’t any woman do that for her husband. Being President is the hardest job in the world to me because everyone is scrutinizing everything you say from the time you announce that you are going to run. I am sure Jackie Kennedy (husband was shot) and Hilary Clinton (husband committed adultery) had to be strong as well.

    If someone can point something out to me that is totally specific to a black man that we need that no other race would need to be loved please tell me because I can’t think of anything.

  17. Bamer15 Says:

    @ All: This is just a completely open question to see how you react to it. By no means am I directing it at anything or anyone.

    Do you feel a sense of dislike or distaste towards another race, white, black, japanese, chinese, etc? I mean when you think of a certain race are your thoughts immediately or slightly negative in one way or another?

    Just kind of wondering how you would view this question I posed…

  18. peyso Says:

    @ LTTP – Obviously, every black man aint gonna fall into this category. And yes you should have a knowledge of your SO’s struggles. It is not that a black men needs something specific that no other man needs. I just think that when loving a black man you have to be a bit more mindful of some things like making him feel like a man inside of his house. Of course there will be white dudes, who feel emasculated outside of their homes and need to be boosted up a bit when they get home but on a large scale thats not the case.

    A relationship is supposed to give you what you need to take on the world. What a black man needs to take on the world, on average is categorically different than what any other man needs. This is where the difference lies

  19. “Do you feel a sense of dislike or distaste towards another race, white, black, japanese, chinese, etc? I mean when you think of a certain race are your thoughts immediately or slightly negative in one way or another? ”

    @Bamer: Not me…. If a person says white, nothing really comes to mind… or Asian… etc.

    But I do admit, when I hear things like “serial killer” I automatically think it was a white person… or I’m relieved if I find out the robber on the news wasn’t black.

  20. peyso Says:

    @ Bamer – To be honest, on the racial wide level I do feel negatively about some races. However, this does not dictate how I feel about or treat individuals of that race. For example, when I think of Chinese ppl, I feel a sense of dislike because I do not like the way that they often open stores in the neighborhood, collect all of our money and then make no reinvestment in the neighborhoods that they operate in. However, I think this has less to do with race and more to do with their business practices.

    I could care less how anyone felt about me. You want me to crawl back under the rock I crawled out from for all I care. However, I do demand that you treat me with the same respect and deny me no opportunities due to my race. You will judge me independently of my race, as an individual.

  21. @Peyso: I totally get it. I agree that the black men have struggled over time (I’m summing it up generically) with hierarchy (I’m sure I butchered the spelling)…. What I don’t get is the reason for understanding this when Loving us.

    I understand the psychological studies… but I thing one thing I never rely on is studies… I learned that cynism in a sociology class… but I always think of the people that conduct the studies- the data is sometimes altered so they can make a point.

    My virginity was sacred to me… as well as my little circle of girls at the time…. all of us but one didn’t lose it until our 20s. I think I’m having a hard time using those generalizations because I know exceptions.. and I feel like if I am an exception, there has got to be others!

    I think this is one we’re gonna have to agree to disagree on, Blog Brethren. 😉

  22. “To be honest, on the racial wide level I do feel negatively about some races. However, this does not dictate how I feel about or treat individuals of that race. For example, when I think of Chinese ppl, I feel a sense of dislike because I do not like the way that they often open stores in the neighborhood, collect all of our money and then make no reinvestment in the neighborhoods that they operate in. However, I think this has less to do with race and more to do with their business practices. ”

    @Peyso: From your statement, I’m thinking some of our failure to see this thang eye to eye has to do with our upbringing… for instance, I never saw Chinese people opening stores in the hood because I was never in the area we consider the hood until my late years of life but I still have prolly less than 5% dealings there. (in our hood, there’s an area called Portland which is for the hood whites)

    All my life I lived around the middle to lower class whites with a few black folks sprinkled about.

  23. Bamer15 Says:

    @ Peyso: “…Take this for example, Bamer, If I’m correct you’re a white guy. To my knowledge, you’re forward thinking, respectful and open minded guy. You have never personally disrespected a black dude or any other race and probably dont have a racist bone in your body. However, can you say that you havent benefited from white privelege? Can you say that your place in society was in no way affected by the actions and crimes of white men in this country over the last hundreds of years. The same can be said for black men but in the opposite…”

    You are correct, I think I am one of one white males that posts here. haha.. love it. 🙂 No I have never ‘knowingly’ disrespected someone over their race, although I did grow up in a country setting where racism thrived IMO.

    Yes, I have absolutely benefited from the fact that I am white. And I have benefited, as have you, from the fact that I am a male. I do not know what it feels like to be a different ethnicity, but yet I can try and understand the feelings that you have and listen to the way in which you think and how you feel about certain issues.

    I could talk about this for hours even days about my thoughts on racism and history involving our differing ethnicities and you are correct that they have influenced us heavily over the last 100 years. I wish everythign was even and I honestly have thought heavily on what it would be like to be an african american, so I could 100% truely udnerstand. (And vice versa, I would love to give you a taste of my life and the struggles I face that are, I bet, way different..)

    Would be cool… but yeah Peyso I see your point and I love your thoughts and post. They make me think heavily at times and I thank you for that.

  24. LastTrainToParis Says:

    @Peyso

    I can dig it!!

  25. peyso Says:

    @ Nicki – This is my last try to make you get my point after this we just agree to disagree lol. I think what I said to LTTP sums it up:

    “A relationship is supposed to give you what you need to take on the world. What a black man needs to take on the world, on average is categorically different than what any other man needs.”

    Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

    And for the record, you missed what I was going for with the whole white femininity thing. Its not about how you feel about you its about how everyone else feels about you.

  26. Jac Says:

    @Nick

    I can understand what both you & Peyso are saying…yes your virginity was sacred to you, but not to society. Society saw you as oversexed on the basis of one drop of black blood-much like the black man as the black beast rapist while the white woman is the paragon of all virtue & this is still holding true in a variety of ways (think Genarlow Wilson).

    @Bamer

    I don’t have any distinct negativity as much as I have curiosities. Passed that like Nick I do have some degree of relief when the robber isn’t black.

  27. peyso Says:

    @ Bamer – And you my friend are proof as to why we should judge people as individuals and not by wide sweeping categorizations.

  28. “I can understand what both you & Peyso are saying…yes your virginity was sacred to you, but not to society. Society saw you as oversexed on the basis of one drop of black blood-much like the black man as the black beast rapist while the white woman is the paragon of all virtue & this is still holding true in a variety of ways (think Genarlow Wilson).”

    @Jaci: I’ve never cared about “society.” All I deal with is the people that I talk to on a day to day basis… only men (black men, I might add) thought it strange that I was a virgin.

    I’m not discounting you nor Peyso’s theory… I’m just saying I don’t subscribe to that.

  29. “And for the record, you missed what I was going for with the whole white femininity thing.”

    @Peyso; You’re not the first person I’ve been told I missed the point of something on… LOL! I’m starting to think I just think a lil differently. 😉

    ““A relationship is supposed to give you what you need to take on the world. What a black man needs to take on the world, on average is categorically different than what any other man needs.”

    Do you agree or disagree with this statement?”

    I don’t look at relationships in that way… I can’t think of a good one lined definition, like yours but that just isn’t my ideal.. The second sentence I do agree on though!

  30. Jac Says:

    @Nic

    I think it to be excellent that you can discount what society thinks..most of us can, but there are many girls out there who cannot & they become the societal stereotype.

    And really the majority of the time society sees you as something you’re not-this contributes to why I’m sure UPenn educated Peyso prolly has people almost run from him on the street. Whether he cares about society’s opinion or not ultimately that will have some bearing on him.

  31. LastTrainToParis Says:

    “You’re not the first person I’ve been told I missed the point of something on… LOL! I’m starting to think I just think a lil differently. ;)”

    For some reason this makes me weak on the inside LMAO!!!

  32. “I think it to be excellent that you can discount what society thinks..most of us can, but there are many girls out there who cannot & they become the societal stereotype.”

    Why are we worried about the societal stereotype??? Shouldn’t we instead but more interested in finding those women and helping them to see themselves differently so that they don’t see THEMSELVES as the stereotype? U can’t help what someone else thinks of you.. I can be nice all day but if you are focused on the fact that I don’t smile and tell everyone that I am a bytch, I can’t help that…

  33. peyso Says:

    @ Nicki – That whole schpiel about it not mattering what society thinks and what not is nothing but horse radish. How society views you has a huge implication on your self esteem. Some ppl are able to get by that, other arent.

  34. “That whole schpiel about it not mattering what society thinks and what not is nothing but horse radish. How society views you has a huge implication on your self esteem. Some ppl are able to get by that, other arent.”

    @Peyso: That’s your opinion.. when I go into a job interview, I’m not worried about how my white interviewer sees me as a black person.. I’m just trying to be charming and get the job.

  35. peyso Says:

    @ Nicki – What you just said doesnt disprove what I said. I said that some some people are able to get by that (i.e. You)

  36. “What you just said doesnt disprove what I said. I said that some some people are able to get by that (i.e. You)”

    K.. i read that but applied it to the wrong sentence.

  37. Bamer15 Says:

    @ Peyso: “…And you my friend are proof as to why we should judge people as individuals and not by wide sweeping categorizations…”

    I completely agree with that and I kind of take that as a compliment.

    In fact, I am glad that I have used that approach to people in my life. (Judge as individuals and not as groups, etc.) If I wouldn’t have, for suredly I would have missed out on alot of the kick-a$$ people I have met in my life. I know of a few friends off the top of my head that the ‘first impression’ was FAR from stellar… lmao. 😀

    But if you have no biases and things of that nature before it’s a whole lot better my friend. Life is a blast actually..

    (Side note: Judging by the way Nicki writes, it sounds like she is happy 110% of the time regardless of what she does, I admire that trait… I try to have that in myself… almost to the point that she reads the good parts of someone’s replies and then types a reply of her own.. lol.)

  38. I skimmed the comment replies..but when does loving a black man (and being sensitive to his past injustices) teeter on enabling or coddling?

    The world sucks sometimes for black women too. I think black women deal with those injustices differently though.

    As for the “you lie” comment to Pres. Obama. was that because he was a black man? or a Dem.? last night i saw how party affliation sometimes runs deeper than color. I mean look at Pelosi and Biden’s expressions after the comment…they both looked like they were ready to RUMBLE.. it was disrespectful but this healthcare reform bill is a pressure cooker..there is alot at stake in its success. And the republican’s are trying to leverage it as a potential future win in 2012…

    so what does that have to do with race?

  39. “(Side note: Judging by the way Nicki writes, it sounds like she is happy 110% of the time regardless of what she does, I admire that trait… I try to have that in myself… almost to the point that she reads the good parts of someone’s replies and then types a reply of her own.. lol.)”

    Thanks Bamer.. that’s really sweet of ya… I try to be happy. lol. Some things do bother me, but I try not to harp on them. Life is to short, the sun is too beautiful and God has the final say 😉

  40. @peyso. good post. I would add (and you sort of hint at it in the be LIKE his mother bullet point ) and perhaps reorder so that it is understood that loving any black man starts with loving yourself. I think this is essential. A woman can do all of the above in grand fashion and still not be acceptable in the eyes of a black man because she has not put in enough self development to demand his love in return. You do speak on this throughout but i would implore that it be emphasized.

    Regarding the idiocy that was displayed by Congressman Joe Wilson last night, his actions are subconciously rooted in the disdain that has plagued our society regarding black men. The protocol that is required while in the chamber is explicitly delivered to any and every incoming representative. They know exactly what is or isn’t to be done. Hence the reason that people are saying that this has “NEVER” been done before. Many people have disagreed with the President, and there is a proper way to show that during the undertaking, however this action is a first. We also have our first black Prez. Those two “FIRSTS” can’t be seperated. They shouldn’t be and the correlation between them should be emphasized. Which makes more concrete Peyso’s argument regarding the remnants and affects of those actions taken many years ago on the black male. Racism and prejudice isn’t OUTWARDLY permissable today due to our young civil rights laws. Subconcious and under the tabe racism is rampant.

    And thought it is a utopian idea to judge people on their individual merits, it is unfortunate that the reality is most of us judge on the bell curve. What is most likely to happen. And black men (and women) are judged in this fashion on the regular. I will give more credence and belief to that we as as country are able to judge each other on our own merits when that premise is exemplified in the highest offices of authority in our land. That has yet to be done since November 4th.

  41. “Thanks Bamer.. that’s really sweet of ya… I try to be happy. lol. Some things do bother me, but I try not to harp on them. Life is to short, the sun is too beautiful and God has the final say”

    @Sunny..i gotta give you props for that too. I think happy people make better everything: friends, parents…etc.

  42. peyso Says:

    @ CBG – I’ve said that a guide may be needed for black women. Just because this post refers to the struggles of one group, it doesnt discount the struggles of another. I think that there are special considerations when loving a black woman too. Also, I think that this falls short of enabling/coddling in that we are trying to promote positive actions and not negative BS. I’ve said multiple times throughout the post that a woman shouldnt put up with any non-sense.

    Secondly, if you think that the way Obama is received by the politicians and America as a whole has nothing to do with race, you may be drinking from the post racial society kool aid. Yes Bush had a shoe thrown at him but it was in another country, that we had once waged for. You really think that it is coincidental that the first time in modern politics that there has been an outburst in modern politics it happens to be with a black president?

  43. “@Sunny..i gotta give you props for that too. I think happy people make better everything: friends, parents…etc.”

    Thanks Comeback! 😉 I agree- happy people are certainly more pleasant to be around.. I think it’s easier to reflect my happy self though bc I’m on the blog, everything is written and I can think about it, edit, etc. but sometimes the stuff that comes out of my life in day to day would make u gasp. lol.

  44. “Secondly, if you think that the way Obama is received by the politicians and America as a whole has nothing to do with race, you may be drinking from the post racial society kool aid”

    @Peyso: I don’t think that’s what Comeback was saying.. It sounded (read. lol) like she was pretty much going where I was.. yes, he’s facing some racism, but can we say this one incident was strictly attributed to racism?

  45. peyso Says:

    @ Nicki – read Robert Weaver’s comment. He eloquently expressed what I was trying to say

  46. “Secondly, if you think that the way Obama is received by the politicians and America as a whole has nothing to do with race, you may be drinking from the post racial society kool aid.”

    @ Peyso…Here we go again…Im having fight the power fatigue…if the “you lie” comment was racially motivated..then was Pelosi and Biden..sticking up for a “black man” soley or a poltician in their own party.

    I’m sorry when it comes to party agenda…AT Contentious times like these…they don’t see color..they see blue and red.

    Just ask every black repub. who was asked to speak at the convention..race was exploited for political game. Those repubs didn’t see a black man, they saw VOTES and McCain winning.

  47. peyso Says:

    @ CBG – Pelosi and Biden reacted that way b/c they have respect for the POTUS (not just Obama but the position also) and the decorum of those chambers. Republicans acted the same way when Wilson said that also. No everything isnt racist but there is alot of sh!t in the world that is racial.

    As for Steele, I think you have to realize what the democratic party represents to alot of republicans (not every one). Northern, liberal, black friendly. I would also implore you to do your research about the first black politicians in power and how they served as puppets to get votes for repubs and dems. Timeless strategy they are using, ashame its not working

  48. “I would also implore you to do your research about the first black politicians in power and how they served as puppets to get votes for repubs and dems. ”

    Thanks P…I’ll do my research..I had and have NO earthly clue about the role of reconstruction in this country…lol. and the history and shift of black party affliation.

  49. No More Says:

    They know exactly what is or isn’t to be done. Hence the reason that people are saying that this has “NEVER” been done before. Many people have disagreed with the President, and there is a proper way to show that during the undertaking, however this action is a first. We also have our first black Prez. Those two “FIRSTS” can’t be seperated. They shouldn’t be and the correlation between them should be emphasized. Which makes more concrete Peyso’s argument regarding the remnants and affects of those actions taken many years ago on the black male. Racism and prejudice isn’t OUTWARDLY permissable today due to our young civil rights laws. Subconcious and under the tabe racism is rampant.

    Quoted for truth.

  50. @cbg: I disagree. they see black votes, not just votes. they see the opportunity to confuse and divide the black vote by believing (that we are simple enough to fall for . . .) that putting a black representative would cause some of those leaning to vote for the black guy to shift to the other black guy for which they may relate to more. Micheal Steele was a strategic choice based on race in an effort to appeal to black and latino voters in future elections. It was the result of the more than apparent lacking of representation and support that they get from those two factions of the makeup of our land; which is the fastest growing population in the nation. Please believe that.

  51. Reecie Says:

    I read the post last night–I shouldve posted then. I’m of the thought that there is a difference in the how the love towards a black man should be expressed. I enjoyed reading and I agree with the distinction.

  52. I always have trouble with this notion that the “fight” or “struggle” is over with respect to creating a nation that embraces the diversity that it stouts as the fabric of the nation is over and something that we should move on from.

    men lie, women lie, numbers don’t . . .

    the first african slaves were brought in the 1600’s . . .400 years ago.

    the country as identified by its independence itself is 233 years old . . . .

    the civil war ended in 1865 . . . .

    civil rights legislation was passed in 1964 ( 100 years after the slaves were “freed”. man, you know people older than civil rights legislation). . .

    45 years is supposed to eradicate 400 years of racism?

    dem numbas don’t add up!

  53. Jac Says:

    The comments from Rob and Peyso couldn’t be closer to the truth.

    You cannot no matter how you cut it divide the disrespect the black man (including the Potus) dealt with, deals will and will deal with from the fact that he is black.

    Without a doubt the black man is the only one that has endured racism & unethical stereotyping for 500 years.

    Did the Jews? Absolutely…and yet today they’re a respected power.

    Do Muslims & Arabs?

    Sure…and yet they are able to command some respect…

    It’s also worth noting that in no other civilized country does this type of racial divide exist to such a degree.

  54. I think the struggle and fight is still going on- it’s just not the same struggle we were fighting in that we haven’t been the rulers of our tribes and removed from our land for quite some time now.

  55. Jac Says:

    *hi5* to Rob…

    No those numbers don’t add up…

    The black man is still robbed of the basic tenets the country was built on based on the theory of the founding fathers that they were animals and less civilized of course…

    …And this is still believed all these years later.

  56. peyso Says:

    @ Nicki – “I think the struggle and fight is still going on- it’s just not the same struggle we were fighting in that we haven’t been the rulers of our tribes and removed from our land for quite some time now.”

    No one is saying this either but to say that one doesnt have anything to do with the other, its severely problematic. Racism didnt just organically begin in this country. It started with free Africans being enslaved in the Americas (some would argue that it began before that)

  57. Jac Says:

    @Nic

    In the statement you made replace tribes with families and land with homes…

    Then imagine black men…the statement ironically still holds true.

    Hmm…

  58. @ jac: and understanding that these facts, numbers, truths have had an impact on the psyche of generations of black men will permit you to engage and deal with and make to your benefit your relationship with a black man if utlized correctly.

    funny thing, most black men don’t understand how this has impacted them.

    @nikki: black men are still being removed from their tribe (family) and land (homes). you get like four times the sentence for crack distribution than for powder cocaine. when the last time you saw powder cocaine being pushed in the hood? you don’t. it’s a social suburban drug. and black men are stripped from their homes for longer periods of time for a equivalent crime that a white male would have done. it provides the same sort of damage as is placed on the black family and race as when you seperated them off the auction block. it has simply been repackaged.

  59. @jac: i see we’re thinking along the same lines!

  60. “45 years is supposed to eradicate 400 years of racism? ”

    @ RW..and they probably never will.

    In 2009, the successful black person (ie, Obama) learns how to navigate the terrain, with a healthy level of rememberance and sensitivity to ongoing issues with race, and the ability to MOVE ON INSIPTE OF THE PAST.

    Like I’ve written many times before, I’m watching the revolution on tivo, and making moves regardless. Its true there are some things this country has done that will never be able to FULLY atoned for, not money, not even an apology.

    But I know my history.

    And understand the constant bit!ching only perpetuates MORE of the same, and takes us off our path from true accomplishment and forward thinking.

  61. “In the statement you made replace tribes with families and land with homes…

    Then imagine black men…the statement ironically still holds true.

    Hmm…”

    @Jaci: A black man is not the ruler of his home because he doesn’t choose to or his wife doesn’t let him.

  62. “@nikki: black men are still being removed from their tribe (family) and land (homes). you get like four times the sentence for crack distribution than for powder cocaine. when the last time you saw powder cocaine being pushed in the hood? you don’t. it’s a social suburban drug. and black men are stripped from their homes for longer periods of time for a equivalent crime that a white male would have done. it provides the same sort of damage as is placed on the black family and race as when you seperated them off the auction block. it has simply been repackaged.”

    @Rob: I know this.. I understand it.. but DON”T SELL CRACK. It’s illegal.. the system is unfair… we need to be accountable for ourselves and our reactions.

    I’m gonna agree to disagree with u, Jaci and Pey on this one.

  63. Jac Says:

    Yep!

    This is also a part of what makes me want desperately for Eric Holder to be able to deliver on his promise to make the crimes the same.

    A coke charge might get probation but a crack charge is 15 years? That’s crazy to me

  64. @cbg: you’re talking to a man who has “moved on inspite of”. and this is by no means to toot my own, but i have two degrees (like I’m sure most of us do), own my own home, car, have a wonderful wife, own three businesses . . . .and you know what . . . when I get pulled over I am just as scared as a black man that sells crack on the corner with respect to being treated unequally (or pulled out the car). why should i be? I’ve progressed “in spite of”. I respect the law. I vote. I contribute. But the simple fact is I have a STATISTICALLY higher probability of being caught up, falsely accused and erroneously sentenced. why is that? why shouldn’t I keep that in mind and execute on it?

    @nikki: I agree. don’t sell crack. but if people did what they are supposed to do those laws wouldn’t be necessary. they are present because PEOPLE do malicious things. PEOPLE break laws. PEOPLE make mistakes. . . .then why is it that BLACK PEOPLE aren’t judged with the same scales as white people? As if lady justice pulls one eye from up under her blindfold when they annouce that a black male has walked into the courtroom. Accountability? Absolutely. But when I mess up, those judging me need to be held just as accountable when they judge with bias based on the color of my skin. that is our legal system. we have to continue that fight. daily!

  65. “@cbg: you’re talking to a man who has “moved on inspite of”. and this is by no means to toot my own, but i have two degrees (like I’m sure most of us do), own my own home, car, have a wonderful wife, own three businesses . . . .and you know what . . . when I get pulled over I am just as scared as a black man that sells crack on the corner with respect to being treated unequally (or pulled out the car).”

    And you’re talking to a woman who had to prove I owned a range rover to the local city police, right around the corner from my mother’s (a 35 year resident) house. The mayor got involved. I was piss!ed. I am black. I acknowledge that shyt is still fycke up in a town I grew up in..where a gun was pulled on my school bus..

    most successful black people can go on and on…and play the “ive had it bad too”..at the end of the day.. where does that get me? or any of us?

  66. Jaci Says:

    @Jaci: A black man is not the ruler of his home because he doesn’t choose to or his wife doesn’t let him.

    Wow.

    I think Rob summed it up nicely in his comment.

    It isn’t because he doesn’t choose to…it could be because he doesn’t how…but now the questioned of why doesn’t he know how is begged.

  67. Damon Says:

    I think the first two on this list are extremely on point… especially No. 2.

    I’ve said it a million times, and I’ll say it again: The worst thing you can do to a man is emasculate him. If you do this, you will lose him, guaranteed.

    Good post.

  68. Shawnta` Says:

    Hey, y’all.

    @Peyso: Great post. I think you hit a lot of the major points. I definitely agree with points 1 through 3. Okay…going back to read over the other comments now.

  69. @cbg: that’s exactly it. WE as a result of our “in spite of ” success, ACCESS and abilities should be leading the charge of the continued effort towards equality and equity versus taking the “get over it” approach. that unified effort in just 45 years has gotten us to the point that we can own where we want to, drive WHAT we want to and do what we want to . . .so when you ask where will it get us . . . look how far it’s gotten you in 45 years of legislation. imagine the possibilities how far it will get us in another 45 with your talents, your abilities and your access that you are the result of the efforts of those who did “in spite of” 50+ years ago.

    on another note . . . . how do you like those range rovers, my wife wants one bad but i heard the upkeep isn’t too great.

  70. @cbg: that’s exactly it. WE as a result of our “in spite of ” success, ACCESS and abilities should be leading the charge of the continued effort towards equality and equity versus taking the “get over it” approach.

    I don’t think anything I’ve written has suggested for anybody to “get over anything”. I still remember a white neighbor weilding a gun at my school bus. I will never forget. But how is it that black people with the biggest bark, paying the most lip service to being “black in america” and “fighting the power” do the least amount of “real work”.

    I’ve heard Rep. John Lewis speak before about being a black man in the south inside of the civil rights movement and he is one of MANY black men who has a right to be fighting mad. But he isn’t. I’ve heard John Hope Franklin speak (before he passed) in person..again another black man who should be pi!ssed at some of the injustices…even Jesse Jackson Sr…I heard him talk about having to pull into to churches to use the bathroom..and how it would sometimes take them 40 miles off course. There are people even 20 years ago, who couldn’t buy homes because of racially restrictive deeds.

    It seems like the “fight the power” posse have lip service down pact. Many of them aren’t creating businesses. They’re looking for one President, one film maker, one revitalized economy…to save them and others. Everyone can’t be President. And certainly not everyone will make a million dollars a year, thats not how capitalism works.

    But certainly many can look forward and not regurgitate the same old stats, facts and findings.

  71. “A black man is not the ruler of his home because he doesn’t choose to or his wife doesn’t let him.”

    @nikki: Lawd, Lawd, Lawd! When I got my first pair of sneakers with laces, i didn’t know how to tie them. someone showed me and through practice, i am able to do so (still today. . .lol). children and families don’t come with owner’s manuals. so when you get one, you don’t know how to raise one . . . unless of course you have been show via example. So when we question why black men haven’t been the “ruler” of their home, history must be acknowledged and acted upon to turn the tide.

    @cbg: i’m not upset. being upset takes too much energy. energy which is required to execute. what you did insinuate is that we are asking for something that isn’t provided for us in our constitutional rights. you stated, “Its true there are some things this country has done that will never be able to FULLY atoned for, not money, not even an apology.” I don’t need any of that, but can I please get the same sentence for the same crime that the white guy standing next to me got? I know we won’t be given back pay for the unfair wages we were paid that built this country? I’m cool with that. I know there isn’t an applicable way to provide us the resources that were stripped of us? I’m cool with that too. But could you please alter the way we fund our public school system so that it isn’t based on property tax revenue which is inherently lower than white communities because you don’t receive much tax revenue from project housing and lower income housing and vacant lots and boarded up buildings in our communities? Could that be done? Could you please cease the racial profiling used in traffic stops? Could you please judge me in the workplace as you would my counterparts based on my productivity and not set the bar higher because of the color of my skin. Those are requests of legislation . . . not reparation. Those aren’t requests of payback for yesteryear, that isn’t a lack of knowledge of “history”. . . that is our present . . . that is happening today. . . as we “in spite of’s” continue to fight being taken off “our path from true accomplishment and forward thinking”.

    Maybe then we could have a more significant population of “in spite of’s” because they are products of adequately funded public schools from kindergarten to 12th grade, which would make college a more realistic option for them which would permit them the opportunity to contribute in our corporate and small business and entreprenuerial arenas and provide for their families on an economic and social level which would increase the likelihood of black family success and togetherness because there would be no need to make the decision to sell crack because you feel this is the only way to make a living for you and yours and that poor decision leading to an unequivocal jail sentence.

    Does that adequately show you the trickle down effect of how our efforts as “in spite of’s” could impact our race as a whole? Without handouts? Just execute on the document (the amended document) for which you are so proud of America. Execute the Constitution.

  72. Hugh Jazz Says:

    Great post, Peyso.

    I’d also add 5: Keep it to yourself occasionally.
    Women, don’t complain about everything. We know you like to talk to your man. We want to talk to you. We know you’re emotional. But we don’t feel like commiserating every time you stub your toe. As two of today’s finest philosophers have stated:

    Chris Rock: “You know what a man wants? Food, sex, and silence. Feed me, f*&# me, shut the f*&# up!”

    Dave Chappelle: “It ain’t hard to please a man. Make him a sandwich, duck his sick, and shut the he11 up every now and then.”

    I think this applies to all men, not just black men though.

  73. “When I got my first pair of sneakers with laces, i didn’t know how to tie them. someone showed me and through practice, i am able to do so (still today. . .lol). ”

    Say for instance, you are 25 years old and still don’t know how to tie your shoe laces- what do u do then??? keep referring to the fact that no one has ever taught you or get out there, ask for help or read a book and teach yourself?

  74. Hugh Jazz Says:

    Peyso: ”Outside of Hatshepsut, Cleopatra and Theodora (The Byzantine Empire included Northern Africa) I don’t know many women of African descent who had ascended to positions of power in those extremely patriarchal and often misogynistic societies.”

    Only other one I can think of off the top of my head is the Queen of Sheba, but this is on point.

    Bamer15: ”Do you feel a sense of dislike or distaste towards another race, white, black, japanese, chinese, etc? I mean when you think of a certain race are your thoughts immediately or slightly negative in one way or another?“

    Not really. Experience teaches everyone of every race will do something periodically that makes you want to push them down a flight of stairs.

    Robert Weaver: ”i have two degrees (like I’m sure most of us do), own my own home, car, have a wonderful wife, own three businesses . . . .and you know what . . . when I get pulled over I am just as scared as a black man that sells crack on the corner with respect to being treated unequally (or pulled out the car). why should i be? I’ve progressed “in spite of”. I respect the law. I vote. I contribute. But the simple fact is I have a STATISTICALLY higher probability of being caught up, falsely accused and erroneously sentenced. why is that? why shouldn’t I keep that in mind and execute on it?”

    Amen.

  75. ““Its true there are some things this country has done that will never be able to FULLY atoned for, not money, not even an apology.” ”

    that was not an insinuation, but rather acknowledgement that thangs is and was really F’d up. I give credit to that fact.

    “Maybe then we could have a more significant population of “in spite of’s” because they are products of adequately funded public schools from kindergarten to 12th grade… ”

    great sentiment in theory. I actually tutored kids..who were reading from 8 year old civic textbooks. I bit!ched and moaned. It was even topics of black round table (read dinner table discussions)…and I even mentioned something to the administrator of the program.

    We talked about current DC CIVICS..not the stuff from two mayors ago. And I wondered where the rest of the volunteers were..maybe somehwere theorizing and not pulling up their shirt sleeves.

  76. @nick: at somepoint you have to always stand on your own two feet. but let’s get back to the numbers. If for 360 years you prevented or even made it difficult for me to tie my shoes, is it a rational and reasonable expectation for me to be just as good as you at doing so if only 50 years ago you made it legal for me to tie my own shoes? what if in that 50, do to the institutionalized 360 years of prejudice, racism and glass ceilings prior you still held silent but effective barriers against me with respect to tying my shoes? would I be expected to do it on my own? Or what if I gave you deplorable shoe strings (unequivocal distribution of resources) and an outdated book on how to tie shoes (underfunded public schools)?

    I shun people who don’t stand on their own two feet. I don’t hate the drug dealers in our neighborhood solely for dealing drugs . . . in addition to that, I hate them for not having the wherewithall to launder that doughboy money into some tangible assets other than nice clothes and a car on 24’s (this is why Stringer Bell . . .you ladies know him as Idris Elba . . . is my favorite character from The Wire . . he was trying to flip that dough into something real).

  77. “what do u do then??? ”

    @ Sunny..join a group that bit!ches about and find people who agree with me…lol

  78. “Sunny..join a group that bit!ches about and find people who agree with me…lol”

    LMAO Comeback!!!!

    Got you, Rob.

  79. *** I didn’t like the Wire*** lol

    but I loved me some OZ (I know one show has little to do with the other though)

  80. not bching. executing. showing my reverence and respect and appreciation to those who provided me the opportunity to get where I am by continuing there fight. that fight includes dispelling these misconceptions of our community and attempting at keeping folks focused on the idea that our struggle isn’t complete. would have a lot more time to put my efforts at getting support behind legislation surrounding the aforementioned issues if we didn’t have to spend time explaining why accomplishing “in spite of” is just one part of what is necessary to make this a land of “liberty and justice for all”. but, everyone has their soap box i guess.

  81. . . . and The Wire is hot (plus Idris is the star . . I know you can appreciate that nick . . . or at least my wife does . . . lol).

  82. “. . . and The Wire is hot (plus Idris is the star . . I know you can appreciate that nick . . . or at least my wife does . . . lol).”

    @Rob: HECKY YEAH.. your wife has some splendid taste because he is very handsome. lol

  83. re CBG: “And I wondered where the rest of the volunteers were..maybe somehwere theorizing and not pulling up their shirt sleeves.”

    Shakespeare wrote, “All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts.”

    I commend you CBG for playing your role. You deserve applause. But you don’t shun those who have roles in other parts of the play for the entirety of the play is what’s important.

    And those same schools will continue to have outdated literature to read, if we do not address the funding issues. Most black and white issues usually are more affected with green. The powers that be knows this. Hence the fear they have over this brother in office having such a significant impact of the distribution of said green.

    Continue to tutor, I’ll keep pressing our local and state (and soon to be federal) leaders for institutionalized reform.

  84. Hugh Jazz Says:

    Robert Weaver: ”Does that adequately show you the trickle down effect of how our efforts as “in spite of’s” could impact our race as a whole? Without handouts? Just execute on the document (the amended document) for which you are so proud of America. Execute the Constitution.”

    Amen. Most black people have little respect or acknowledgment of constitutional rights because they never fully applied to us. This is why most blacks are conservative, but vote Democratic. The right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness isn’t applied equally, and due process was a myth for us for most of the country’s history. If the natural law was actually applied, and justice was blind, more black people would put more stock in the Constitution, and more white people realize those Negroes aren’t as lawless as they imagine (as RW used as an example; blacks locked up for minor drug offenses).

    Nicki, I hear you, but the above reasons are why we still have to do “in spite of”. The law lawgivers continue to spite us.

  85. “Nicki, I hear you, but the above reasons are why we still have to do “in spite of”. The law lawgivers continue to spite us.”

    @Hugh: I understand. 🙂

  86. “I commend you CBG for playing your role. You deserve applause.”

    Its not really about being commended. To me its how it really is how its supposed to be. I only mentioned that because i wondered what the “fight the power” posse does besides complain.

  87. Jaci Says:

    sparingly. LOL…appears to be the answer.

  88. your commendation is deserved. and i see you’re humble about it. but there is some strength in the “fight the power” posse clamoring. when you’ve been locked out the process, sometimes you have to stand at the door and yell for your right to be let in (through letters to legislators, marches, town hall meetings – – – hey it’s working for health care – – – , etc.) many of us do much, even if it is seeminly meaningless or not as impactful such as addressing these ills when they see them or sharing knowledge about it with the unknowledgeable. it’s when we start comparing each others efforts and making some more valid than others that the issues arises.

    . . . and you didn’t tell me how the RR is. I was serious. My wife starts drooling about it .

  89. “. . . and you didn’t tell me how the RR is. I was serious. My wife starts drooling about it .”

    The oil changes and regular maintaince are pricey..but you know what they say about those cars…it comes with the cost of driving an rr.

    You all should go to the dealer and go on their closed course..its like going to an amusment park. They show you how the car’s grill points directly at the ground coming off of a hill..you think your gonna flip it over..but the suspension like rises..its hard to explain..its just fyckin incredible LOL..

  90. I’ll be sure to not share this with the wife.

  91. “I’ll be sure to not share this with the wife.


    Your wife may not like that…though…I still am looking for a closed course in the dc area where I can really see what she can do..the down side though, is that it can draw some PO-PO attention, and for that my mother hates the truck.

  92. Lovely Paradox Says:

    I haven’t read the whole entry yet and have not even read the comments but I just want to answer that tidbit (that may or may not have anything to do with the whole post)

    Outside of Hatshepsut, Cleopatra and Theodora (The Byzantine Empire included Northern Africa) I don’t know many women of African descent who had ascended to positions of power in those extremely patriarchal and often misogynistic societies.

    There were a lot of women who were queens, chiefs etc of their tribes in subsaharan Africa. They are just not widely studied, written about or even known for the most part. But they did exist in greater numbers than often mentionned. (Zaria, Nzingha, Yaa Asantewa, Dahia – Al- Kahina to name a few).

    It doesn’t remove anything from your point because Black Men were kings in greater numbers obviously, but just needed to mention it. 🙂

  93. Lovely Paradox Says:

    I agree with all the points you listed especially point #3. To me, that’s the whole purpose of a relationship actually.

  94. Jaci Says:

    Hey LP!

    Thanks for the advice.

    I need to e-mail you–you busy this week?

  95. enyfilms Says:

    Race aside I am not that different than most non minority men in America. My taste and talk may come off urban and at times hood but when you peel them back its just a flip flop of what most middle American white guys like. I think all races need to be aware of racial quirks that seem to not matter at first but then only come back to embarrass that ass. Our history plays a role but not so much with subjective things like dating. But in more tangible roles like goin for a home loan who is likely to get it? A well to BM or his well to do girl? My life with dating has been more affected by the money and ever changin social roles and opportunities that were pipe dreams for blacks not that long ago. Besides Kevin Powell wrote how in college he pimped his “down brother lookin for a down sister” image. So in the end I think its how did you grow up is what really shapes you. Face it some blacks only got as close to the hoodlife as whatever rapper had their attn @ that time.

  96. AJ Says:

    peyso Says:
    September 10, 2009 at 8:28 am
    @ LTTP – Obviously, every black man aint gonna fall into this category. And yes you should have a knowledge of your SO’s struggles. It is not that a black men needs something specific that no other man needs. I just think that when loving a black man you have to be a bit more mindful of some things like making him feel like a man inside of his house. Of course there will be white dudes, who feel emasculated outside of their homes and need to be boosted up a bit when they get home but on a large scale thats not the case.

    A relationship is supposed to give you what you need to take on the world. What a black man needs to take on the world, on average is categorically different than what any other man needs. This is where the difference lies.

    @peyso

    On a psychological level, yes history is absolutely relative. And yes, a relationship is a source of support for what ever ails you. The black man/women relationship dichotomy is extremely popular right now as it is warranted. I conclude, based on your post and other blogs I read, that it is long past time that individuals (IMO – a significant number of black men) find some inner strength to help overcome these feelings you speak of so that it doesn’t cause his SO/soon-to-be SO to be so emotionally drained trying to help hold him and herself up.

    Let’s think about the other spectrum for a minute, because what you speak of has created a problem for the black woman. I’m speaking of the black woman that has found or uses her inner strength to push through. Is this demoralized black man capable of soothing his SO when she arrives home after having taken on the world?

  97. AU Tiger Gal Says:

    I agree with you!! I am a Filipino and recently grew a deep crush on a 2nd-generation Hatian guy… He is wonderful, and so intelligent and funny! However, I have been raised by a Caucasian, slightly-Southern family… It has been difficult, but I stand by my decision. I have read most of your advice, and of course I agree… However, I believe that most of your advice does not apply to only “black” men… it applies to pretty much MOST men!!! 🙂 Women must remember that “men and women” are different and forever will be different, which is probably a good thing! Men in general will be a total mystery, which is fine. But most women must admit that when a man TRULY loves you, “{He} is more daring than cowardly, and endures many dangers.” ~ quote is from Aristotle….

  98. Michael Says:

    This article hinges on using the history of black oppression to define the black male. More than any other point, you’ve claimed that slavery affects black men so thoroughly that they cannot properly be loved. You seem to imply that a woman must tailor her approach to a relationship with black men without providing any real support. Slavery affected many races throughout history. So did oppression. It still does. But to say that all black men require a woman to keep slavery in the back of her mind as she conducts a relationship is outright heinous and dumb. Slavery is history, yes. And as such it should be learned, respected, and remembered. But it’s not a reason to highlight differences between blacks and other races.

    Loving someone has nothing to do with slavery.

    Your generalizations are ridiculous at best. Some other points you made that were groundless and offensive are:

    :::There have been books and articles written about this topic but I feel like they do not speak from a black man’s perspective.:::

    Even the ones written by black men?

    :::No other group of people outside of the American and South American Indians experienced such a drastic fall from grace.:::

    Not only is this point irrelevant, but how on *earth* could you even BEGIN to know the suffering of all groups of people throughout history. You think Jews getting experimented on during the holocaust was any easier?

    :::I’m not saying that black women weren’t victims of this maafa but their fall from grace was not as drastic. :::

    Because we all know how easy women have had it through the past centuries.

    :::Beginning in the post-bellum period and extending well into the 50’s and 60’s, black men were hunted for sport and strung from every type of tree imaginable.:::

    Though I said this already it bears saying again. Suffering and humiliation have nothing to do with love. Love is not oppression. Love doesn’t know oppression. Love is love. Not historical consolation.

    :::Since then, black men have been removed from the black family structure:::

    I assume you don’t include all black men in this generalization (or even most). Believe it or not, even black men abandon their wives, girlfriends, and children without the aid of society.

    :::society has morphed that family structure into one not prepared to raise nor be led by a black man:::

    Society is such a buzz word and you’re using as a scapegoat here. Black men are people, not puppets of society. Society affects us all but to imply that it has an agenda to dismantle black families is racist. Racist.

    :::the black man needs a very specific kind of love.:::

    No. They are people. Like everyone else. They need a specific kind of love the way every *individual* needs a specific kind of love. Of any race.

    :::There is a way to deprogram a brainwashed man, given that he is receptive, respectful and actually wants to be with you:::

    Your use of the word “brainwashed” is… well it’s just odd. I’m not sure what exactly you mean by it. Do you mean that black men are damaged and need to be fixed? But this point is actually a good one, however. If and only if the individual man himself wants to be respectful then he has that option. If he chooses not to be, then that’s on him, not society.

    Thanks. I’ll not be reading any more.

  99. just passing thru Says:

    I agree with Michael’s post of March 11, 2010, and I also found the use of the word “brainwashed” to be odd… it immediately changed the whole tone of the article. It’s also interesting that nobody mentions the fact that slaves were sold by their own people to other Africans before they expanded into the “white” market, so to speak. Other races also have a history of slavery in one form or another but why does only one race still hold that grudge and still pass it on to their children?

  100. Rashunna Says:

    You can’t truly love anyone until you have learned to love yourself. What I have learned as a woman, we fail to learn our men…we’re always nagging about nothing…..we fail to take an interest in what they have a interest in, we fail to cheer them after the world has beat them down, we fail to rub their heads to let them know its okay to fail, but keep trying, we should be their cheerleader on the sideline cheering when he’s not making progress, we should be his conditioner – improve his quality of life – stop him from having breakdowns, help him to shine, be an environment transformer, and prevent static cling, and bring peace and order in his life..not try to “run” his life. So can you motivate him or are you a handicapper? Are you making cash advances and not making any deposits? Are you making him bitter or better….In order to get respect, you must first show respect as a lady…Be blessed…

  101. Ms.Joyful Says:

    I love this post and all it’s comments. Wish I was present in 2009, great read and great commentary. Two thumbs ups to you Peyso!

  102. UK Says:

    me too wish I was here in 2009. It’s 2015 now and many of those points still ring true. Having met a man in his 40’s who, for a better word, seems bitter at the treatment he’s had, the glass ceilings et al’ . Trying to compassionately get him through it, there’s a lot of reconditioning to be done. I give him space, don’t run his life. But, oh, sometimes wish he wouldn’t offload his past pain on me in the manner he does ( nothing physical). I am a strong woman and see it for what it is. But I am torn between sticking through it and growing stronger or leaving due to not wanting to be anyone’s emotional punchbag. He seems to think Black women haven’t experienced the same struggles ( assuming we ( I) don’t need as much care and attention, is my guess?) Our struggles are indeed different, but no less. It is still new, 1 yr old relationship. He is learning to open up more with me which is great.

  103. UK Says:

    update: I left his ass toward the end of 2015. Was too toxic with me and after about a 2 month break found he was sleeping with other women. I think the moral of the story is, if he doesn’t love and respect himself, regardless of his background, race, JUST DON[T GO THERE! He will go on to disrespect you despite your best efforts. Gentlemen, pls remember that Black women too also have similar struggles and sitting there waiting to receive without a thought as how you’ll give back, is a fundamental flaw. I’ve made it a point now to ask a man what he looks for in a women. They always reply with a long list. I sit quiet and listen then ask: ” …and what are looking to give a woman”. Almost always I am greeted with a look of perplexity, at which point I run in the opposite direction 🙂 If he hasn’t matured to that level of give and take, HE’s not ready for a relationship.


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