Most black women have no issue luring and trapping attracting a black man. Though there may be a challenge for some in getting through the games and the horseshit, the real trouble does not begin until you are in relationship with this black man. There have been books and articles written about this topic but I feel like they do not speak from a black man’s perspective. This isn’t a how to guide for making an “aint shit” kneegrow to a good dude. I’m trying to write a guide to keeping a black MAN not a boy. This is for the folk who seriously have a good dude and want to know how they need to love their man. I would love if one of the lovely ladies of SSSO could attempt at writing me a guide also. Many people argue that loving a black man should not be any different than loving any other man of any other race. This is line of thought is deeply problematic.
As many of you know black men are among the most browbeaten, subjugated group of people in the world. Black men were once the rulers of their own tribes and kingdoms in an educated and resource laden Africa. They were stolen and enslaved in what are now the Americas. This is where the demoralization begins. I’m not saying that black women weren’t victims of this maafa but their fall from grace was not as drastic. Outside of Hatshepsut, Cleopatra and Theodora (The Byzantine Empire included Northern Africa) I don’t know many women of African descent who had ascended to positions of power in those extremely patriarchal and often misogynistic societies. No other group of people outside of the American and South American Indians experienced such a drastic fall from grace.
During the slave era, men were emasculated in front of groups of slaves in order to instill fear in those groups. Beginning in the post-bellum period and extending well into the 50’s and 60’s, black men were hunted for sport and strung from every type of tree imaginable.
Since then, black men have been removed from the black family structure in various ways and society has morphed that family structure into one not prepared to raise nor be led by a black man. It is for these reasons (and trust that this they are abbreviated) that the black man needs a very specific kind of love.
I think the first step to loving black men is to realize that our history has an pyschological effect on both genders. Next, please understand the extent of the brainwashing that has happened to men as a whole (This generalization does not capture nor describe every man). Men have been programmed into believing that there are certain characteristics that constitute a “real” man. This is true, there are characteristics that make a good man; however, those characteristics are often not the ones being held today. There is a way to deprogram a brainwashed man, given that he is receptive, respectful and actually wants to be with you. That way is to be a good woman to him and here is what constitutes being a good woman:
1) Be his number 1. What I mean by this is that you should a host of number ones in his life. His number one fan; he’ll have support from everyone and their mama when he’s doing well but you may be the only supporter “when things go wrong as they some time will”. Do note that this isn’t blindly supporting him; you must hold him accountable for his actions, his successes and his failures. His number one critic; you know his dreams and his talents and probably understand better than he does his capabilities. You are in the best position constructive criticisms to help reach his goals. Whatever positives that he can receive outside the relationship, you should be the first person to offer them.
2) Allow him to be a man. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD PUT UP WITH THAT BS. Protecting another person’s ego should not have an affect on your own. However, do remember that though it takes just as much strength to follow as it does to lead. This doesn’t mean that you should be at his beck and call. Your opinion matters just as much as his. This isn’t the type of following that has you trailing behind him but you’re standing beside him ready to take on the world.
3) Give him what the world fails to. I think that the purpose of a relationship other than to be a life companion and knowing where that next piece of booty is coming is to provide your SO with what the world fails to give them. IMHO the world fails to appreciate the black woman. Where as white women and black men start off in this world with one “strike” (sex and race respectively) black women have two “strikes”. What black men fail to get in this world is respect. We don’t feel needed. We know you’re independent and that you can do it all by yourself but remember that it may have an affect on your S.O.
4) Be LIKE his mother but not his mother. A mother holds a special place in any man’s heart. There are very few men who do not have a deep respect and love for their mothers. They would go to the end of the earth for their mothers. In most instances, their mothers would go to the end of the earth to help and provide for their children. The reason that men hold their mothers in such esteem is because their mothers have supported them and their mothers demand respect from them. Women should demand the same respect of men that they give their mothers. Most men do not speak to their mothers disrespectfully so they shouldn’t speak to you in that way. You are someone’s (or will be someone’s) mother. At the same time, you have to respect them and support them like a mother would. HOWEVER, you are not his mother. You are not and should not be expected to teach him have manners or to be respectful or rear him in anyway.
I hope that I provided some insight into loving a black man. I’ve never loved a black man so I don’t know if these are facts. But what I did was think of things that my SO does for me and the stuff I see my mom does for her SO. Fellas any input? Ladies?