Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

My Ex is the Next September 9, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — cuzzo @ 6:15 am

A lot of people may agree that “an ex is an ex for a reason”. But, it’s so easy to get caught up in the hype, especially when the new man is acting up. Me, I’ve held onto exes. I may have had 2 dumb and ugly breakups in my dating years. So, those exes got the axe with no looking back. One happens to be my son’s father so, we kinda have to communicate from time to time. Buuuut, in my pot-calling-the-kettle-blackness, I am quick to tell another woman to cut her ex when she’s in a good relationship.

I mean that ex that you might have shared (and continue to share) everything with. The one you call when you act up and need advice. I only occasionally shoot the breeze with 2 exes.

I went out with one of my girlfriends this weekend and she was looking very chummy with an ex of hers that was at the party – mind you she has a man, and from what I can tell they have a solid relationship (they are ALWAYS on the phone…they were talking right before we went in the place). But, by the end of the night, she had some alone time with the ex – I don’t want it to sound like something it’s not so what I mean is, he literally asked me to walk away so he could talk to her (JUST TALK). They talked for like a minute. So, I asked her, what was that about? (not knowing prior that they used to date BUT knowing that she’s very much in a relationship and this other guys knows this as well). She tells me the story of what happened between them and now he wants that old thing back. I scolded her and told her to cut him off. She obviously still has feelings for dude, and she’s shared that they still speak….frequently…about everything. I told her that he is disrespecting your relationship by insinuating that you two would be good together again. She thinks…it’s not like that….suuuuuuuuure. I asked her, would you be comfortable with your man carrying on the same relationship in the same manner that you and this ex are…she said no, she hadn’t thought of it like that. Precisely.

Let’s ponder upon the things we do and conclude how we would feel if our mate (or just a friend) did some of the things we’ve done, or continue to do. Sometimes its much easier to just “do you” as opposed to putting ourselves in another person’s shoes.

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71 Responses to “My Ex is the Next”

  1. I think of this, all the time…. I would never do something to my beau that I wouldn’t want done back to me.

    I agree with keeping exes as exes for a reason- with exceptions, of course. lol. I think it really depended on the nature of your relationship and why you two broke up.

    I’m buddies with two of my exes- my first love (but we really don’t talk that often since both he and I are in new relationships) and this guy that I wanted. We don’t talk that often though- I’m more his relationship counselor, if anything. J knows about both of those.

  2. BTW- What your friend is doing is not right.. since she has feelings for this old dude, she needs to have a conversation with the new man.. it’s just not fair to him.

  3. Reecie Says:

    If you have to sneak about it, you know what you are doing is wrong. I don’t think this is too kosher either. I am cordial with all of my exes–mostly because I don’t typically date men seriously unless we are friends/friendly first but there is only ex one that I consider a true friend. He just got married and I was there. We’ve been friends only for about 8 years (we had a hs/early college “relationship”) so I don’t feel awkward being around him and his wife at all. I agree that in this scenario he is disrespecting her current relationship.

  4. LastTrainToParis Says:

    I don’t see nothing wrong with being friends with an ex as long as they do not disrespect the relationship.

    I was apprehensive about one of my SO’s ex because the convo that took place was not cool in my eyes. But that has not happened since we have been together (at least I think) lol.

    But your friend is wrong for that and if the new guy acts up in the least bit then it wouldn’t surprise me if she went back to that ex.

  5. “But that has not happened since we have been together (at least I think) lol.”

    From your S.O: No baby, it has not happened. 😉

  6. this ex thing is always awkward for me. my wife hates my ex (and she has reason to), but i’ve always maintained that if I dated someone for an extended time (like three years plus), regardless of our current state, we must have had enough in common to at least be cordial and concerned after the relationship has fizzled.

    but i also think that in order for that to happen, you both must be in a place in which there are no remnants or desire for the other person. i have always wished the best for my exes. I want them to find love, happiness, joy and content as I have in my wife. but if this isn’t reciprocated, it’s probably best and necessary that distance be kept until both of you are on the same accord.

    the funny thing about ex’s is people reminisce all the time and most of your conversation, as a result of being ex’s, is going to be about yesterday, what didn’t go right, etc. if you find yourself doing this often with your ex’s kill the convo. especially if you’ve got a new love.

  7. “but if this isn’t reciprocated, it’s probably best and necessary that distance be kept until both of you are on the same accord. ”

    Exactly!

    I think reminiscing can make the conversation awkard.. I would not be happy had I found out Mr. LTTP aka J was reminiscing with the ex, so I wouldn’t do that to him.

  8. @nikki, let me clarify, reminiscing is expected. it’s the convo regarding what went wrong which is the bad part. old friends reminisce about old times. that’s normal. trying to derive solutions to your old ex problems is where it goes wrong ( . . . man law requires that i clear this up so as to not be a catalyst for any future disagreements between you and LTTP . . . LOL)

  9. ” ( . . . man law requires that i clear this up so as to not be a catalyst for any future disagreements between you and LTTP . . . LOL)”

    LMBO!!! Got you.

    U know- I’m so protective though, I think I’d be weird if he was talking about, “remember that time we went to Kansas together….” But i’m sure it will happen. It’s just best I not know about it.

  10. peyso Says:

    My SO doesnt get how I can be cordial to ppl I broke up with. Just b/c ppl break up doesnt mean that you stop caring about them. Any girl I’ve ever dated, I still care about to a degree. I care enough about them that I would like to see them excel and succeed in all of their endeavors. I think this speaks to the fact that I’ve never really had a nasty break up

  11. andrea Says:

    I agree, if you have to sneak to talk to an ex, there is something wrong with that picture. I get terribly jealous. May be insecurity, but if I knew an SO was talking with an ex, I wouldn’t be happy about it. I also agree that I wouldn’t do anything that I wouldn’t want my SO to do. Do unto others…

  12. What do yaw think about if you are friends with people that you weren’t even bf/ gf with???? Like people u may have dated and it just didnt’ work out?

    Me and J were just talking about this… this guy I talked to before, I just friended on fb and hooked up with one of my girls.

  13. @peyso: that’s because as much as women don’t trust men, they don’t trust women even more.

    @nicki: dated . . . .or banged? cause this is a distinguishing factor in the eyes of you ladies.

  14. andrea Says:

    @robert-that was my question!

  15. “Me, I’ve held onto exes.”

    This should be a yaya rule in the reverse. As a general “rule” it is true an ex is an ex for a reason. Its like hording newspapers and other things you don’t need or use. LOL..Purging is a unversial law. I honestly don’t believe REALLY good men show up, when you’re hanging on to randoms.

    Its like telling the universe that you don’t trust that there is someone(s) who is out there for you to love. And you need to hang on to others…to make you feel “safe”. I also don’t think its fair to other women either. A) good men aren’t hard to find. B) by hanging on to an ex, you stand in the way of him finding someone that is BETTER-not every lid was made for every pot. C) its karmic. would you want someone hanging on to your man?

  16. peyso Says:

    Just for clarification, is this post about hanging out with exs, speaking to exs occasionally or speaking to exs regularly? I think there is a difference and it matters

  17. “Just for clarification, is this post about hanging out with exs, speaking to exs occasionally or speaking to exs regularly? I think there is a difference and it matters

    @ Peyso…i understand the post..but women don’t hang on to ex’s for “chill” reasons..lets just be clear. Maybe its true that men and women accure ex’s for different reasons..but as a woman, let me just say its not JUST about having someone “to talk to” and “chill with”.

  18. peyso Says:

    @ cbg – that wasnt directed to u, that was for my clarification cuz i didnt know wht the hell was going on.

  19. peyso Says:

    @ cbg – and further more, does “hanging on” mean speaking with occassionally as a sort of check in?

  20. “@ cbg – and further more, does “hanging on” mean speaking with occassionally as a sort of check in?”

    Peyso…what is ocassionally?

  21. peyso Says:

    @ cbg – like twice a quarter for no more than like 5-10 mins

  22. “@ cbg – like twice a quarter for no more than like 5-10 mins”

    twice is pushing it…LOL..honestly even if we ended on a happy note. I have no ex…good, bad or indifferent who I want to hear from this often.

    Once a year or around new years …in a christmas card is perfect for me LOL..im not kidding.

  23. “nicki: dated . . . .or banged? cause this is a distinguishing factor in the eyes of you ladies.”

    LOL. I had no intercourse with this guy…

    But in both situations… the guy LTTP is talking bout , I engaged in a fockership with.

  24. cuzzo Says:

    “Just for clarification, is this post about hanging out with exs, speaking to exs occasionally or speaking to exs regularly? I think there is a difference and it matters”

    @Peyso

    It’s about whatever one deems inappropriate with an ex. Like, the girl I’m talking about, I feel that’s wrong. But, I too have exes who I speak with…meaning, their number isn’t blocked and if they call, I answer. Not like I’m calling them all willy nilly. I bought my car from an ex (college relationship). And one of my exes is a police officer whose actually been shot. I check in with him because I do care about him and he’s in a dangerous line of work.

  25. @ Nicki and LTTP . . .I enjoy your tandem blog honesty. Hilarity!

    unfortunately, this puts guys at a disadvantage. we pointed out yesterday that dudes just don’t go looking for friendships with women. they end up having non-sexual friendships because women deem it so. women don’t go looking for these either, but they have more control because they can put dudes in these “friend” slots.

    that being the case, it’s an unfair rule to maintain.

    if women did like men, they wouldn’t have so many issues with this. men, when they put you in that “the one” slot, erase your sexual history. we actually have the ability to act as if you aint never done that monkey flip in the bedroom with noone but us. keeps us sane. when we see or hear about an ex, our first question isn’t , “did you phock her?”, why would we want to know. we assume you may have, but confirmation isn’t necessary unless i’m going to be in a room with dude like three days a week or something and might have to b*chslap him if he says something inapproporiate about his ex (you). otherwise, no need to know. women ALWAYS ask this question, then wake up mad at you the next day cause they had a dream you banged your ex on the living room sofa the night before. lol

  26. “I enjoy your tandem blog honesty. Hilarity!”

    @Rob: I’d told him I’d never do this but since we were kinda on the subject, I just threw it on in. lol

    ” women ALWAYS ask this question, then wake up mad at you the next day cause they had a dream you banged your ex on the living room sofa the night before. lol”

    ’tis true for me. lol.. I Don’t want to picture my beau with others.

  27. @nick: maybe helpful to LTTP. I check my wifes statuses on facebook before I call her on the phone sometimes. that way I know if there’s anything on her mind, something important going on today that I may have forgot and should be acting on. . .

    has kept me out of trouble on a couple occassions.

  28. andrea Says:

    CBG- you are def telling the truth! I had a chexual relationship with an ex after my divorce. Neither one of us was seeing anyone else, I didn’t have to go out and meet anyone and establish a relationship (cuz I don’t do one night stands), really didn’t want to get in the dating scene yet. So, that was a way to still get chex, but not get with anyone new. We still do talk pretty frequently.

  29. “nick: maybe helpful to LTTP. I check my wifes statuses on facebook before I call her on the phone sometimes. that way I know if there’s anything on her mind, something important going on today that I may have forgot and should be acting on. . .

    has kept me out of trouble on a couple occassions.”

    @Rob: Very good tactic… I know he’s learned some things from me from reading, also.

  30. LastTrainTo Paris Says:

    @Nicki and Everyone

    Let me clear this up since it was so poorly portrayed. The ex I referred to made fockership advances toward her every so often before I came into the picture. And this was someone she considered a friend. Why I had no idea but nonetheless. So I was concerned with the fact of if he would be respectful if she got into a relationship. That was my concern and she says he hasn’t so I am cool with that.

    The other guy…my point was you don’t have to be friends or more specifically just because you talked to someone for a brief period does not make you friends. The dude had all of like 5 friends and she was number 6. So my thing was what was the reason. More than likely to see what her status was and go from there. Whether she friended him or not made no matter to me. Maybe I don’t see why she friended him to begin with. I am not saying you can’t be cool with people you talked to but at the same time you don’t have to be cool with everyone you talk to.

    Last Train To Paris…Get On Or Get Off

  31. LMAO. Shut the hell up J.. so poorly portrayed LOOKIN.

  32. ” More than likely to see what her status was and go from there. ”

    My point was- my status says, “in a relationship..” there are pics of u and me everywhere.

    who cares what his intention was- he FAILED. lol

  33. LastTrainTo Paris Says:

    @Nicki

    Okay so what was the intention on adding him since he FAILED!! Shouldn’t that warrant a rejection?

  34. “Okay so what was the intention on adding him since he FAILED!! Shouldn’t that warrant a rejection?”

    @J: I wasn’t thinking about his intention because it didn’t matter…. when u first come onto fb, they ask to check your email for friends… they prolly checked and found mine and I was one of the few the accepted/ was on there.

    He’s pretty new.

  35. LastTrainTo Paris Says:

    @Nicki

    You missed the question entirely but okay babe!! 🙂

  36. “You missed the question entirely but okay babe!! ”

    ohhhh, I friended him bc it’s FACEBOOK and I knew him.

    It ain’t like I opened my leg and said, “u are my friend, come on it.” lol

    My facebook doesn’t get really personal so I didnt’ see it as a big deal.

  37. LastTrainTo Paris Says:

    @Nicki

    Yeah ok babe 🙂

  38. J: u done ran everybody off (YEAH YOU.) lol.

  39. LastTrainTo Paris Says:

    @Nicki

    Aww man come back everyone LOL!! Ya’ll can speak on it.

  40. “Aww man come back everyone LOL!! Ya’ll can speak on it.”

    Right. That is the whole point we put it on here- we wanted yaw to weigh in on it.

  41. andrea Says:

    I’m here! Enjoying this!

  42. i’m lost. i just ordered the cliff notes version off Amazon.com to catch up.

    what’s the sticking point again?

  43. LMAO.

    @Rob: Shat I forgot.. J, help him out.

    @Andrea; U are cracking me up.. This is my life with LTTP every once in a while.

  44. LastTrainTo Paris Says:

    @Rob

    The sticking point to me is to have an understanding about friends who are exes and if you expect your S.O. to act in a certain manner then you should act in that manner dealing with these friends or exes.

    Thats my take on it!!

  45. I don’t even remember how it started…

    Okay, J aka LTTP doesn’t understand or is trying to understand why I added an ex on facebook.

  46. And I didn’t see a big deal about adding him, but J suggests there is one.. is that right, my king? (*sticking out tongue*)

  47. LastTrainTo Paris Says:

    @Andrea

    Yes I give her such he!ll all the time. How she makes it through the day I do not know. Pray for her that she continues to be strong during these trying and difficult times and can endure the struggle. LMAO!!

  48. “Yes I give her such he!ll all the time. How she makes it through the day I do not know. Pray for her that she continues to be strong during these trying and difficult times and can endure the struggle. LMAO!!”

    Seriously???? that’s not what I was saying..

  49. LastTrainTo Paris Says:

    @Nicki

    “Okay, J aka LTTP doesn’t understand or is trying to understand why I added an ex on facebook.”

    Wrong!! LOL!!

  50. @LTTP. I have this failing argument with my wife all the time (notice the failing part). I agree with you. you can’t expect me to do A when you’re going to do B. The only problem with this notion is that neither of us have the past relationship with the other persons’ ex in order to be comfortable with them maintaining a friendship with that person. couple wit the fact that the both of us have experienced situations in which the ex has tried to re-up. therefore, at some point we had to come to the REALization that it’s either one way or the other way, it’s either okay to be friends or we cut ties all together. cause i’m like you LTTP, you ain’t telling me that I can’t do nothing if I can’t tell you the same. I’m glad yall cleared this up I thought yall was about to go through one of these situations. . . .

  51. “I’m glad yall cleared this up I thought yall was about to go through one of these situations. . . . ”

    @Rob: Naw…. lol. I’d delete the guy before I let that happen.. I just don’t take facebook that seriously!!!!!

  52. Tunde Says:

    i’m cordial to all my exes except for one (whom i see around campus and she only gets the head nod). i was friends/acquanitinces with all my exes before we actually got together so i really don’t see the problem with us being friends. my first ex even asks me dating advice, to which i have no problem giving.

  53. J’s ain’t telling the whole story.. he’s friends with exes.. I haven’t done anything he hasn’t done… I think his issue is how long of a history there was.. to me, I don’t care how long the history is, it’s the same thing.

    but if he expressed an issue with it, I’d delete all of ’em.

  54. LastTrainTo Paris Says:

    @Rob

    Naw never go through what they do in this video…but it is hilarious. My thing is you tell me and I rendered my thoughts. I never said delete the guy. I said I wonder his intentions that’s all. It’s one of those thngs that will be forgotten about by days end.

  55. LastTrainTo Paris Says:

    @ Nicki

    And see I believe history does matter. Someone you were in a relationship with for 6yrs is not the same as someone you talked to for a month. If that’s the case then I am the same as a guy you dated for a few months. Because the history and time we spent dont matter.

  56. “If that’s the case then I am the same as a guy you dated for a few months. Because the history and time we spent dont matter”

    U are my man J… that is not the same. Different results.

  57. LastTrainTo Paris Says:

    @Nicki

    So how does history not matter? Please explain that.

  58. @nicki and lttp: i was just joking with the video (i pee a lil everytime i watch this from laughing so hard. . . . TMI . . . i know). but on the real, yall dialoguing (sp?) right now to get some clarity, in a environment where people are being honest, supportive and looking at both sides of the issue (mainly because they have to or being blog attacked). that’s a good thing. we often don’t get a lot of that in our lives from our peers. yall on a good path.

    question @lttp? do you think the longevity of a relationship intensifies the need to distance or justifies the maintenance of a friendship after the thrill is gone?

  59. LastTrainTo Paris Says:

    @Nicki

    I just don’t think people would consider someone they dated for two months to be the same as someone they dated for 6 months or more. The end result was the same, they are with neither person. And neither person they were in a relationship with. So are you saying those two situations are the same?

  60. LastTrainTo Paris Says:

    Do you think the longevity of a relationship intensifies the need to distance or justifies the maintenance of a friendship after the thrill is gone?

    Actually I do. It took me a minute to get over my first gf and we were together for like 6 years. We are friends now and talk from time to time just to see how each other are doing. She is in her relationship and I am in mine. Now someone I was in a relationship with for say 2 years does not compare to that three. It didnt take me as long to get over her. But it all depends on the nature of the relationship but to me the more time invested, the harder it is to let.

  61. “yall on a good path. ”

    Thanks Rob… yep, we are looking for yaw to weigh in on this bc I am seeing apples and oranges here… I am seeing my point and then LTTP is totally coming out of left field to me.. .we just aren’t on the same page!

  62. “But it all depends on the nature of the relationship but to me the more time invested, the harder it is to let.”

    But it’s facebook J…

    The fact is you accepted and ex as a friend and so did I (even though we just talked.. never was my man).. Point is- they are both in the past.

    The history doesn’t really matter to me…

  63. “The history doesn’t really matter to me…”

    I meant the length of your history doesn’t really matter to me.

  64. LastTrainTo Paris Says:

    @Nicki

    Ok babe!! I don’t care that you accepted him. It seems like you did it because I have done it. Not necessarily because you wanted to with these statements…

    “The fact is you accepted and ex as a friend and so did I”
    “I haven’t done anything he hasn’t done”

    I never said delete him or that I had an issue. It was your delivery and the comment you made about one of my friends on my page to try to prove a point. That’s what started everything.

  65. “It seems like you did it because I have done it. Not necessarily because you wanted to with these statements…”

    Nope, that is my reason for validation of why your issue is WRONG… I will never do something “just because u did it.”

  66. LastTrainTo Paris Says:

    @Nicki

    There never was an issue but ok babe!!

  67. If there is no issue, there’d be no conversation.

    Okay. leaving for school.

  68. my thoughts (as if they matter):

    i’ve come to the conclusion that man logic and woman logic seldom coincide (apples and oranges right). i feel LTTP on his logic. this chick i got down with a couple times befriended me on fb a few weeks back and my wife asked who she was and I told her a girl I used to see back in the day and she asked THE question (stop asking THE question. see comment #25). i told her yeah and now i get a little stank face errtime homegirl comment on my status. chick was nothing more than a fun couple nights. like really. i was in full player mode, she had a dude that wasn’t on ish and i slid in with the game. nothing more. insignificant. she can yap on fb all day cause she aint nobody. just cool peeps who was attracted to each other physically. but trying to be honest, i came flat out with it without stutter.

    man logic = why even worry about this chick. i don’t get it. I feel LTTP on that strong. Cause if you talking about staying in touch with dude who you vibed with for like six years, those aint comparables.

    but like i said to begin . . . man logic and woman logic seldom match up.

    which gets me back to #50. we had to agree to disagree on the logic, then say we either gonna go this route or that.

  69. LastTrainTo Paris Says:

    @Rob Exactly!!

  70. andrea Says:

    Nicki–I’m from Louisiana. Please say ‘Y’all’!!

  71. FYI…..Plaxico Burress The NFL Footbal Player Begins Prison Sentence Today!
    Not that I have anything against the guy but finally these athletes might start to get it….You CAN’T just do anything you want and get away with it. If I get caught with a gun, I would have to do time too.

    Just my 2 cents…..


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