Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Relationship Killers September 16, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — cuzzo @ 6:32 am

Relationship Killers are different from “Dealbreakers”. A dealbreaker is a trait/action that you cannot compromise on before beginning a relationship with someone.  Now, your relationship killers are those that put a relationship in jeopardy.

1. Lack of Communication

Simply enough, right? Communication is the bloodline of any relationship. For myself, it was something that I always knew you needed but did not know how IMPORTANT it was. A lack of communication killed my engagement. When you lose that foundation everything that could have been solved is now building up on top of that shaky pavement, slowly cracking it. I believe this relationship staple builds trust, and steers you away from jealousy and just plain old confusion.

2. Bad Sex or Sexually Incompatible

Alright, this may vary across the board but, um, Cuzzo needs this in her life! A perfect man that is wack in the sack is not a perfect man. I should not dread laying down with my man. Part of what drew you guys together was that animal attraction (let’s not kid ourselves here) – an attraction that is a mystery that can only be solved by conquest.

Which of these or any other’s have killed or have the potential to kill a relationship?

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46 Responses to “Relationship Killers”

  1. I agree with your number 1 and 2. I always need I had an issue with communication but no one had ever confronted me on it, until J. lol. I’m working on it- but it’s not the easiest, since I have no patience, I get frustrated easy , etc. But since I want this to work, I’m TRYING.

    In addition, relationship killers:

    1. Suspect activity: I’m not an overly suspicious woman but sometimes a man will do things that will just make the hairs on the back of my neck stand or make my stomach hurt… when that happens, I know it’s nothing good.

  2. Shawnta` Says:

    Hey, y’all.

    Another relationship killer can be when two people are unequally yoked (especially in a marriage or if the two have a child or children together). Being unequally yoked can be a) one person believing & the other being agnostic or atheist. b) Or both are of the same faith/denomination but one is more orthodox, attends church, studies the word and prays more than the other. c) Or each person could be from different faith denominations. I guess it doesn’t have to KILL a relationship but it can definitely make things more complicated & difficult especially when trying to teach the kids or take them to church, temple, etc.

    Another relationship killer is when one (or both) people let their family or friends have too much say in their relationship or a voting option…again, this is more for marriages. Each person is supposed to leave and cleave, putting the other person before family and friends. A good example of this is the movie Not Easily Broken.

  3. I agree with that Shawnie!

  4. Shawnta, I am so glad that you used equally yoked in the manner it’s supposed to be used. I’ve heard this term being used a lot lately (mostly by single people) in reference to what people bring to the table in terms of degrees, finances, baggage, familial upbringing, etc. The true definition of it in relation to one’s faith seems to be lost. Society has associated personal preference (degrees, finances, baggage, etc.) with being equally yoked when two persons with identical amounts of all of that can be very, very, very unequally yoked.

    Other relationship killers may be

    1. Relationships with ex’s.
    2. Use of Finances
    3. Children (how many we’ll have and when)

    @nikki: do you / have you ever asked directly about those suspicious activities?

  5. “@nikki: do you / have you ever asked directly about those suspicious activities?”

    @Rob: In my past, i didn’t feel like i had a right to… because although we weren’t officially together (I was allowing everything to be done as if we were in a relationship), so nope, I never said a word… I either let it go or left.

  6. Let me add, I’ve only been in three official relationships in my life (including my current one), so most of the time, I’m talking about fockerships (and I was very delusional to what they really were).

  7. Mikki Says:

    I agree with the list. I would add being overly passive in a relationship. I believe as men ans women we all have a desire to be “checked” if my mate never got on me for anything i’d be dead lol

  8. Jaci Says:

    The two that Cuzzo listed are on point for certain. I’ve had to go back and forth over the past couple of days with my SO about this…like babe..we gotta talk lol…

    Now, I, too, am glad about the proper context of being evenly yoked being mentioned.

    I wanna add that knowing being able to speak the same Love Language as your partner can be a killer too. I feel like we all need to stop being selfish and attempt to learn what makes our partners feel loved. What works for one (wo)man might not work for the next.

  9. Lovely Paradox Says:

    I totally agree with those 2 listed.

    And another big one is the way people handle their Finances, which goes back to communication really. Both partners have to be either the same type of spender/saver and/or have a clear understanding of what the other’s style is and priorities should be for the couple.

    My SO and I have VERY different financial handling styles. I am very financially conservative while he’s not so much. I am a bit of an ant and he’s more of a grasshopper. We had to sit down and discuss what we understood about each other’s spending AND how we perceived it. We moved onto why we were this way. Long story short, it took us being willing to talk it through. It’s still not easy because I get irritated with some of his spending and he gets frustrated with my thrift-titude (I made us wait for a better dealand we missed out on a great piece of Land for instance)… It’s challenging, and I can see that if not discussed and/or talked through it could be a potential relationship killer.

  10. Jaci Says:

    @LP
    That is definitely a good one. I know I am the spender and he’s the saver…although as I get older I am moving towards being a lot more thrifty (groceries, utilities, etc.)

    Since finances seem to be a repeating category I have to ask how everyone thinks that should be handled within a marriage? Yours, mine and ours? Or just ours?

  11. V Renee Says:

    I agree with the 2 listed. I was going to add finances, but LP beat me to it. How money is spent is HUGE in relationships!

  12. Lack on effective communication can be deadly! Im kinda going through this on right now. It shouldn’t have to get to a point were one of you feels the need to spaze out in order to be heard, validated, or appreciated. Most of us are not given the gift of telepathy…

    I think in relationships you gotta have the same definitions tof common terms; for instance success and love. To you success could mean money and to your SO doing something you love well. A difference of this opinion could be deadly.

  13. “To you success could mean money and to your SO doing something you love well. A difference of this opinion could be deadly.”

    AMEN. You do really need to be on the same page.

  14. Jaci Says:

    Great point Tiffany!

    Man…seems like I better watch my $

  15. @jaci:

    regarding how the finances are handled, the way me and the wife handle it (not saying it’s the best way to, but it works so far) we put very close to 80% of our net payroll into a joint account. This amount covers all bills, car payments, student loans, mortgages, car insurance, join travel, joint meals and outings, etc, etc. It also accounts for a little overage to stay in that account to grow it month to month for when we want to make sizeable joint purchases.

    The other 20% goes to our personal accounts. That pays for things like personal car gas, lunches/meals, etc and in addition, anything we want to be able to spend on something that we don’t want to get joint approval for such as nights out with the boys/girls, clothes, etc. It also makes you have to be smart about what you’re spending that 20% on because it’s only 20%.

  16. Re: finances

    What about the women that don’t work- should they get an allowance or should they ask their husbands for permission to use money?

    Are there even women who don’t work anymore?

  17. @nicki: only way she shouldn’t be working is if his job title includes CEO, SR. VP, NBA, MLB, NHL or NFL . . . lol

  18. “@nicki: only way she shouldn’t be working is if his job title includes CEO, SR. VP, NBA, MLB, NHL or NFL . . . lol”

    LMAO!!!! I feel you!

  19. Jaci Says:

    @Rob

    You are A MESS! LoL…but you right though…seriously I don’t know if I could not work in a relationship…that drives me kinda nuts. I did it once before and I never wanted to take his money (I did have savings) but anyways, my SO thinks you should all dump it in one pile…I think I’ll keep a little something on the side…you know just in case…

    But I really don’t mind sharing the $…now do you jointly put money in church/give to charities or is that an individual thing?

    This is the one aspect of marriage that I am super interested in..because I don’t wanna not have lights and ish because of frivilous behavior.

  20. @jaci: my wife and I are heathens in the sense that we don’t tithe as we should (I’m sorry Lord). But we make charitable contributions out of the joint account for like political or social awareness joints. But those would have to be discussed. I don’t want to see a charge on the joint account for a “charitable” raffle to win a spa package.

  21. I’m definitely feeling the 80/20 idea. I want him to have a lil’ independence as well as me. I don’t want to feel liek I have to ask everytime I watn something.

  22. Jaci Says:

    we make charitable contributions out of the joint account for like political or social awareness joints.

    i really think that still counts…check with Nick to be certain…but yeah i can understand what you’re saying. honestly i am pretty big about giving to charity but no one I date really is…

  23. Lovely Paradox Says:

    What about the women that don’t work- should they get an allowance or should they ask their husbands for permission to use money?

    Are there even women who don’t work anymore?

    I have a couple friend in which the wife doesn’t work. They moved to the US with the 3 kids when her husband was sent to work in Haiti. He didn’t feel like Haiti was safe enough for the whole family so he moved them to Houston (where he went to school and where most of us – his friends were).
    Although she was working full-time back home, they decided it would be best for the kids to have her at home for the transition.
    I believe she handles most of the finances regarding the household. They discussed an amount that was acceptable and that’s what she uses.

    He has since found a job in Houston, and she’s now in her 3rd year of Pharmacy school, so soon she won’t be staying at home anymore… but in the meanwhile, I think it worked great for them.

    Now that I’m thinking about it, he did have a V.P in his job description. Lol! So carry on… 🙂

  24. Jaci Says:

    @LP

    Now I had so much hope and the biggest smile and you had to go and ruin it. Nah…j/k…

    But don’t you feel even if he has those acronyms Rob so eloquently laid out for us she should still do something? Doesn’t that whole being home the whole day thing contribute to a lack of self-worth?

  25. “i really think that still counts…check with Nick to be certain…but yeah i can understand what you’re saying. honestly i am pretty big about giving to charity but no one I date really is…”

    Nah Jac.. that doesn’t count as tithing…. it has to be strictly marked tithe. My church always describes it as giving ABOVE your tithes and offering.

    But tithing is hard. I slip every once and again.

  26. “I have a couple friend in which the wife doesn’t work. They moved to the US with the 3 kids when her husband was sent to work in Haiti. He didn’t feel like Haiti was safe enough for the whole family so he moved them to Houston (where he went to school and where most of us – his friends were).
    Although she was working full-time back home, they decided it would be best for the kids to have her at home for the transition.
    I believe she handles most of the finances regarding the household. They discussed an amount that was acceptable and that’s what she uses.

    He has since found a job in Houston, and she’s now in her 3rd year of Pharmacy school, so soon she won’t be staying at home anymore… but in the meanwhile, I think it worked great for them.

    Now that I’m thinking about it, he did have a V.P in his job description. Lol! So carry on”

    @Lovely: It sounds like they have a good financial future up ahead!!!!

  27. “Doesn’t that whole being home the whole day thing contribute to a lack of self-worth?”

    @Jaci: I think it prolly depends on the woman.. for instance, I would NEVER dream of sitting at home while my man works… But I think when you have kids, that can change your point of view too… LP’s friend has THREE of ’em.

    And we know/ heard Daycare is an ugly beast.

  28. Jaci Says:

    @Nick

    I slip all the time and now my church has this whole above tithe thing going on…and I feel bad because I wanna do it, but with everything else I’m asked for I just don’t have it.

    Now once everything becomes more settled and I’m not jus out here grinding my life away then sure.

  29. @jaci. truth be told, i think we subconciuosly pay people with those titles high salaries with the intent to pay for the spouse’s salary as well in a sense. any of those titles require long hours away from the home in which the spouse is going to have to do more than their fair share of handling the family’s needs. The at home spouse in that situation almost always has to do the things that the working spouse doesn’t have time to because their work keeps them at work for 12 to 16 hours a day. Paying a salary to the working spouse that sufficiently accounts for both is effective in the sense that it justifies the working spouse being away from home and giving such a large commitment to the workplace, which corporate america requires. As for self worth, ask any of these type of high earners how much their wives are worth to them being able to focus on the job they hold and 9 times out of 10, you’d get a response that she’s worth more than what she would earn in the workforce.

  30. Jaci Says:

    @Rob

    Yes, for those particular people I could see it. But for me? Nah…even if he made enough for us to comfortable I would still have to get up and somewhere and do something even if it was just teaching kids to read for like an hour or two…

    And I’m hoping and praying that your wife means more to you than what she earns in the workforce..LOL..if not you keep 20% and give her 80!

    LMFAO…but for real I get what you’re saying…it’s why the military pays separation pay..

  31. “I slip all the time and now my church has this whole above tithe thing going on…and I feel bad because I wanna do it, but with everything else I’m asked for I just don’t have it.

    Now once everything becomes more settled and I’m not jus out here grinding my life away then sure.”

    @Jaci: One of the church’s here has a pastor that HARPS on it. He seriously focuses on it so much that it’s a turn off (my homegirl goes there).

    My Sunday School teacher was telling me that HE should be paid before everything else because you are showing HIM who is in control.. I know that’s a lot easier said than done though, in some situations.

  32. Jaci Says:

    @Nicki

    Right..Render under to Caesar what is Caesar’s and the storehouse and all…

    See…I cannot stand pastor’s who harp on the money thing…seriously I think it works better when the pastor just lets the money come to him instead of trying to force people to give it to him..like once at church in nola he asked for 12 men to seed $100 in like minutes he had men and women lined up in four aisles of the church–I was like wow…

  33. Eightys Baby Says:

    Good Post Cuzzo….

    I definitely agree with #1…. We’re gonna definitely HAVE to be able to communicate.

    RE: Tithes….. Tithing is definitely a committment. I personally don’t like the attention that comes with it though. I tithe to my church at home since I’m there majority of the time and I’m still a member there…. But it’s some times when I miss some Sundays and then I give them a huge check… .And the people who “count” the money loves to come up to me about it. That was sooo good what u did for the church and blah, blah, blah…… I just feel awkward. Because I’m not doing it for recognition..

  34. “See…I cannot stand pastor’s who harp on the money thing…seriously I think it works better when the pastor just lets the money come to him instead of trying to force people to give it to him..like once at church in nola he asked for 12 men to seed $100 in like minutes he had men and women lined up in four aisles of the church–I was like wow…”

    Me neither… I don’t think they should harp on it.

  35. “But it’s some times when I miss some Sundays and then I give them a huge check… .And the people who “count” the money loves to come up to me about it. That was sooo good what u did for the church and blah, blah, blah…… I”

    AND WOW. 80s: I agree- they don’t need to be saying anything about it. Do u go to a smaller church?

  36. Eightys Baby Says:

    I agree- they don’t need to be saying anything about it. Do u go to a smaller church?

    @Nick…Heck yeah, it’s a smaller church… Nothing like the size of your church at all…….

  37. “@Nick…Heck yeah, it’s a smaller church… Nothing like the size of your church at all…….”

    @80s: It’s no excuse, but because they are small that is prolly why they do it.. they feel the effects of peopl tithing a lot more than big churches.

    LOL. Mine is HUGE. that’s why I stick to 8 am service! lol

  38. @jaci: you would have a full time job spending money in some way. Shopping, representing his/her interest at charitable functions, running the “High Paid Dude” Charity Foundation (cause every body making dough got one of those for tax purposes), keeping the fourth cousins removed away (that’s a full time job right there).

  39. enyfilms Says:

    I woulda said number 3 but I think it depends if the man or woman isnt being pleased. I always assumed if a mans sex is as boring as this one chick told me “watch the cracks in the ceiling” boring-she’d leave. No, this one (and I suspect more women than we would like to admit) stays in the relationship and is cheating on him left and right, done messed around & might be pregnant with the next man seed…she told me “well having another mans baby is sure one good way t end a relationship”.

    So I have no clue anymore as to what role “bad sex” plays. Its not the 50’s if a women aint getting hers sexually I say she run-NOW-hell buy a sex toy or something but why stick around just to have the excuse that your man is wack in bed?

    I have heard so many “deal breakers” but women dont leave anyway cant figure this one.

  40. Athena Nike Says:

    I agree with 1 & 2 are killers
    To working, I would like the option not to work, which depends on how comfortable I am with our financial situation, not him. If he justs wants me to stop working because of some machismo or I am not comfortable with just his salary, that could be a deal breaker. Even after kids, it has to be my choice.
    But he HAS to work, no if, ands, buts – even if pursuing advance degree, unless he is independently wealthy/we own rental property/have other income I NEED A MAN TO BE A MAN and provide for me and ours. Even if its manual labor and he has a masters degree, a man is suppose to work.
    I dig on the offering and tithes, but that is personal between me/you and God. I’ve chosen to move to one offering payment a month for Sunday services and tithes, and then track my own weekly/special service giving. Our new pastor would prefer us not too, cause he is worried about people giving less or not being moved by the spirit when a “sacrificial” offering is called, but 1. not his call 2. I don’t think so, if anything when I’ve already given my budgeted offering, I can see sacrificing or giving more when I find that I have extra monies.

  41. @Jaci: “Doesn’t that whole being home the whole day thing contribute to a lack of self-worth?”

    Seeing first hand what my Aunt did as a stay at home mom, ummm it is def a FULL time job! She did sooo much that is easily taken for granted. My Uncle is a police officer and at the time working a crazy swing sift, the kids were young and my cousin is a little more needier in school than her bro. So caring for the home, husband, and kids is a job. If anything I think it builds self-worth as a woman, wife, and mother. Beside daycare can cost more than eat you alive!!! I have the upmost respect for a woman who can stay home and care for her fam…she wasn’t restricted to the money or anything like that. He made damn sure she was well taken care of because of the job she did!

    Now I don’t think that’s for me..I def gotta work at least part-time! But that’s because I can’t imagine not teaching (Tiffany love the kids!!!).

  42. Lovely Paradox Says:

    Doesn’t that whole being home the whole day thing contribute to a lack of self-worth?
    If your self-worth is not defined outwardly by things outside of yourself, but solely defined by who you are intrinsically, then working or not has no bearing on your self-worth.
    If I am only seeing my worth through my paycheck, then what do I do when I lose said job? Your self-worth, IMHO, is not tied to any of those things… or at least it shouldn’t.

    if he made enough for us to comfortable I would still have to get up and somewhere and do something even if it was just teaching kids to read for like an hour or two…
    Maybe because I didn’t grow up in a daycare system… and I spent my youth at home and my vacations at home, if I decided to raise my kids in the US I will have a HARD time sending them to daycare. I do not like the idea behind it. Kids being put in a “system” of rules with strangers as early as 3 months old. I find it odd at best, very disturbing at worst. Given the choice, I would rather live far away from my kids than put them in daycare. I don’t get it and I don’t think it works for me. With that said, provided we can afford it, I would rather stay at home with my kids when they are young than go to work. To me, both choices can not even be compared. There is no reason valid enough for me to let my kids out of the house while I can raise them myself.

    Raising kids to be upright citizens, having a comfortable home for both your spouse and yourself is more than any “self-worth” corporate America can give me.

    Mind you as the busy buddy that I am, I will still want to do plenty of staff but the well-being and safety of my kids trump all.

    (and those are kids I have yet to conceive… :lol:… I may change my tune and just send them to their grandparents back home and call it a day… Ha!)

  43. Cynthia Says:

    #1 is a biggie. Communiation is “Almost”everything lol

  44. Penny Says:

    I certainly agree with the communication part. That is what broke up my engagement also. Widely differing political views (and the unwillingness of one partner to be tolerant of the other partner’s views) will also be a relationship killer.

  45. Tango Says:

    I agree with the list. It’s funny how most of us will think of communication as talking. My problem was listening. :S I know I should be shamed but it was brought to my attention and I am working at it.

    Great Topic.

  46. assuming I was in a committed relationship, some things that would cease the relationship to continue would be:

    1. lack of sex
    2. her having inappropriate contact with other men
    3. lack of support (rather it be emotional, financial, etc… her just being there for me in general).

    I don’t think these things could happen (as they never have) because before I ever commit to a woman, she’d have to be my main for a while….in which case I’d know if she wasn’t going to make a good partner.


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