A couple of weeks ago while perusing Facebook I came across a male friends status that read:
SOME women and men don’t know how to nurture relationships because they grew up in broken marriages themselves. They have no template of commitment, and it reflects in how they go about their own relationships. I notice a distinct difference in …the attitude, habits, and morals of a woman raised in a married house than a woman raised in a divorced or single household. Why is that?
This status struck a nerve with me and I had to respond immediately, because not only did I disagree but I felt that by being a woman who was raised in a divorced household I was being stereotyped even though he said “some”….. In addition, it put me into a little deja vu moment of a conversation I had with my ex a few years ago about the same topic. He also felt that women from divorced homes were very different from women who were raised in a house with both parents. His stance was that women who are raised in divorced homes didnt know how to be submissive (kinda funny when I think about this cause at 21/22 I don’t know if we truly knew what it meant to be “submissive”) and too independent…. kinda parallel to homie who wrote the status message.
I guess I was the first female to either see the status or maybe the first eager to put my voice of opinion out there, but I immediately responded with:
WHOA WHOA WHOA Mister… what have you observed??? Being that I am from a divorced home. I feel that I possess the same attitudes, habits, and morals as someone who may have grew up in a household where the parents were married. Also you have to look at the home life just because their parents are married doesnt mean that they are happy… I know that sometimes not having a positive relationship with your dad will affect how you approach and handle relationships, but if you did then it’s different. Like my parents divorced when I was 4, but I saw my dad everyday and in addition my dad and stepmom have been married for almost 25 years. I feel as though I have seen both sides of the fence- the single parent and the married happily ever after…. so my approach on relationships comes from the happily ever after and I don’t carry into relationships the reason my parents divorced.
And this is something I truly feel. I don’t think that my parent’s demise of compromise ever played a part in how I act in relationships or believe my role should be in a relationship. I honestly feel that I did see both sides of the fence. With my mom I saw how hard it was to raise a child by herself, even though she had help from my grandmother and aunt, but at the end of the day I was her sole responsibility. My mom never got remarried, but she did have a boyfriend who she has been with since I was maybe 6 or 7. I’ve never asked why she didn’t get remarried and her boyfriend has proposed on several occasions, but I’m sure it’s because she doesn’t want to put herself through the pain of divorce proceedings and other BS that comes along with the dissolution and liquidation of a marriage. One thing I really admire about my mom is that she never spoke ill about my dad to me. Just cause she felt a certain way she never attempted to taint my views of my father or men period. She never created the thought that are men are shat. She did however tell me that everybody isn’t for everyone. To me she allowed me to keep my Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty fairy tale ending thoughts. Now on the other side with my dad and stepmother who’ve been married for 23 or 24 years. I am able to see the ups and downs of marriage and how conflict is handled in a loving and Godly manner. Not to mention I know what my stepmom has to put up with from my dad and vice versa. So with having these two dynamics in my life I feel that when I approach a relationship I don’t bring in the bad that I’ve witnessed but the good. I definitely don’t come in the door singing Kanye’s Love Lockdown. I try to keep and maintain my rosy colored lenses while sipping from the half full glass of Ciroc Gimlet! What’s even more interesting to me about this subject is that my friend is not the only guy that I have come across that feels women from single family or divorced homes have issues and are difficult to deal with in relationships. There are several men who feel this way. I hardly hear women break down or discount a man based on the kind of marital status home he came from. I know for sure that I’ve never looked at a man from a single parent home or divorced home and thought this ninja will not be any good cause he is fostering so many problems and issues, he probably think all women are gold diggers trying to come up on spousal support. So it hurts me to hear that men think like that about women.
So my question for men is do you subscribe to the same thought? If yes, what are your feelings and why? To the ladies how do you feel your parental situation affects how you are within relationships? To both genders do you see some validity in my friends thought?