Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Where Have All The Parents Gone? November 29, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — FlawedBeauty @ 11:42 pm


I know that seems like a nuts question after all of have (or had parents), some of us are parents and I’m sure a lot of us hope to be parents in the future.  But over the past two or three weeks of times it seems as though parents have lost their complete minds.  Since I don’t have children I often play surrogate mommy to kids who already exist and I make it my first priority to insure they are safe.  I have that instinct, sue me.  Anyways, the first case I caught was the case of Shaniya Davis.  When I first saw this beautiful five year old on Nancy Grace she was missing.  From all accounts it seemed that she might actually have just been kidnapped but after a few days of speculation we learned that Shaniya had been murdered and it was possible that her tiny five year old frame had been raped and sodomized.  To add insult to injury it turns out that Shaniya’s mother, Antoinette Davis, actually sold the child for drugs, etc.  and is now being charged with human trafficking.

Just one week later, I found myself staring at the break room TV as the case of Angel Perez flashed across the screen. Apparently his mother left him in the car while she ran into the post office.  Witnesses saw a woman walk across the parking lot with an infant and we have still heard nothing further about this child’s whereabouts.

The VERY NEXT DAY, on my way to work I am hearing the DJ talk about how the previous afternoon he went outside to find two kids strapped in a car.  Mind you, I live in Alabama and while temperate it is much too cool to have children strapped in the car like that.  Anyways, he went on to detail that numerous people were looking to see what was going on with the children and after putting the stories together realized the children had been in the car approximately three hours.  Personally, I was appalled and I want to know why this is happening.

So… to the parents, non-parents and future parents:  Why is this happening?  Are people tired of their children?  If so, why are you having them over and over again?  Do you think this fundamental lack of watching kids starting from infancy is contributing to other societal problems (stories like Precious, for example)? Also, do you think that people have children at young ages is problematic as well?


Mad Music November 25, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — cuzzo @ 6:04 am

Lately I’ve been subjecting myself to the radio and I just have to cringe at some of the songs I’m hearing…because they can be so real to me and not always in a good way.

In Mario‘s song “Break Up“, he decribes what sounds like a functionally dysfunctional relationship…which I’ve probably had.

He’s confirming all of his wrongs: “I know I be…saying I’ll be right back, but take too long…I know I be…saying I’ll be faithful but, I don’t. I know I be, making you them promises, then breaking your heart again…telling you she wasn’t who she was, then we arguing – here’s the kicker – BUT BABY…I LOVE YOU! OH!

Yet in the same breath he maintains a certain sense of cockiness: “You gon’ get me up…I’m a take ’em down…I’m a change my ways…We gon’ work it out…Girl, it wouldn’t be the same if you was with somebody else…Girl, it wouldn’t be the same if I was with somebody else – yadda, yadda, yadda – I got what you like and you know…once you lay down, it’s on”

*side note: shhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiit Mario could get it…again and again!*

Anyway, I’ve been here and hearing it verbalized like this is all too microscopic in the sense that the lens is on me. I don’t hear…this dude is grimy, I hear…this chick is weak first.

Melanie Fiona has a song called “It Kills Me” in which she describes her qualms with her man who’s doing wrong but yet, she doesn’t want to leave all the while pretty much driving herself crazy.

She’s being very vulnerable:  “But I can’t be alone, I need you to come home…I know you’re messing around but, who the hell else is gonna hold me down

This pretty much sums it up for me…is this really love? or just being afraid to be alone? Searching the memory banks again, I KNOW I’ve experienced this as well.

And finally, Le Toya Luckett‘s “Regret“, I cannot relate too because I was never ballin’, lol. But, I mention it because the situation sounds dumb. She’s bragging about how the man that dumped her is missing out on all the shine she used to give him and how she used to take care of him. *Scratches head* Sadly, women trick too…but, our tricking is tied to an emotion. She’s trying to be like, haha…you’re a bum now…BUT sweety, you carried him throughout the relationship, tricked on him and HE dumped YOU. How is this triumphant? Anyone else agree or am I being too hard on Toya? The ex wants to get back and Ludacris is on the song also co-signing that she’s better off now.

I’m now thinking that I must associate the singer’s with their songs because radio people like Trey Songz and Genuwine just got way more appealing. Trey sang songs about doing whatever it takes to please his woman (Just Gotta Make It), not wanting to leave his lady but knows he has to make money…but HE’D BE BACK! 🙂 (Gotta Go), playing captain save-a-hoe (Can’t Help But Wait), and sounding a lot more flirtatious on his latest tracks about…well, sex 🙂

A lot of music affirms the trials and tribulations we go through in relationships whether good or bad. No one is saying anything new but I beleive they are saying it in new ways.


Shut Up and Pass the Yams November 24, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — inkognegro @ 11:19 am
Tags: , ,

I am a huge fan of Thanksgiving. 

Yeah, I know, Not exactly how it is supposed to be for hyper Political Negroes like me.

While I am quick to jump on the mythology and lies that are perpetrated in the name of American Exceptionalism, I have always had a soft spot for Thanksgiving.

I mean, sure, if Joe Pilgrim went and raped and pillaged the Native Americans as soon as the Itis set in and then covered it up with some sob story about scalping and Indian Rain-dances then I might be inclined to pass.

The reality is, people are ungrateful bastards who really should look into giving thanks whenever the opportunity presents itself, the politics of the day notwithstanding.

I will take this opportunity to be thankful for all the clicheish thigns in life that people should be thankful for.

I would be more thankful but I am not feeling very thankful right this second. I am sure I will be much more thankful when I get off work on Thanksgiving.

In the meantime, I would like to give thanks for being born Black and raised under the wonders of Afro-Centric Thanksgiving.

Except for Chitlins and relatives who show up late with integral parts of the meal. That is some bullshit and y’all need to stop.

I am positive I would be more indifferent to Thanksgiving if I came from a family that did Pumpkin Pie and not Sweet Potato Pie.

All y’all dudes crowing about white women remember thanksgiving in your calculations…I know my brother in law wishes he had. I wish I would walk into a house that didn’t have the smell of Sweet Potato Pie and the sound of Bad Detroit Lions Football.


Meet Me At The Creep Inn November 23, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — FlawedBeauty @ 9:49 am



I’m sure many of you can glean from the title what this post is about.  I’m also sure many of you have been in relationships and done some cheating or been cheated on.  The consequences of this are numerous and can be hurtful in a myriad of ways.  Today I wanna talk about what happens when you are the one is cheating (I’ll cover being cheated on later).  Now, before I go further, let me say I cast no stones.   I can’t because I have certainly cheated.

I won’t say that all the cheating I have done has been sexual, in fact, far from it.  A lot of it has been emotional.  It’s important in this day and time to realize that cheating is not necessarily something we do for sexual satisfaction.  For me, in one instance it was because I was missing the emotional connection I was seeing.  So  I began to share feelings, thoughts and dreams with someone else, which is becoming easier and easier with the advent of these blogs, Facebook, Twitter and the other thousands of social media sites.

What I’m wondering is when you cheat do you consciously think of the consequences it might have on your partner?  For those who are married or in long term relationships did  you ever think you’d get this far?  Do you think you could be in a situation where you love two people or is that as selfish as wanting a boyfriend and a girlfriend?  And if your partner finds out, do you think you’d apologize or not give a damn?


I think I get it Now…. November 18, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — peyso @ 10:21 pm

Yesterday was a bit heavy so I wanted to be a bit lighthearted. I recently had a convo with a friend of mine who is still attending my alma mater. Though it was just a rather quick “catch up” convo, it highlights some of the things that we discuss on this blog and blogs around the intranet. Topics such as: dating, why black men suck, sex, dating men with kids, sex in twin size beds and gf/mother relations. I hope that you find this as funny as I did.

PEYSO: enough about me how have u been? what have u been up to? How’s the fella u were talking to?

HER: uuuuuugh, fml

PEYSO: what happened?

HER: i’m gonna go from past to most recent


HER: Sorry, I’m gonna be slow on the responses since i’m writing a paper too. So do u remember guy #1 and guy #2?

PEYSO: vaguely

I don’t know who was who

but I remember there were 2

HER: o ok. guy #1=25, 2 y.o. son, iffy in terms of income and intelligence. Guy#2= TU sophomore, engineering major, works at JCrew, brother in Delta Eta

PEYSO: ok, I remember now

HER: so guy #1 started to get his ish together and got 2 jobs and an apartment. But one job was for a senator’s campaign so it ended at the end of October and left without enough income to pay rent or wuteva. so he was stressing and looking for a new job and stopped calling me cuz that’s his way protecting me from his drama. So I started to talk to guy #2 more, but he was slow on his response cuz he’s not good with time management. So eventually guy #2 has a free crib and invites me over for a sleepover. and I wouldn’t have gone, since I had no intentions of sleeping with him, but I hadn’t seen him in like two weeks and I wasn’t kicking it with anyone else so I went so I was there and stuff was good until it was time for bed. Apparently he wasn’t as cool with celibacy as he thought he would be theoretically. So we were at odds and got in an altercation and now we don’t talk anymore at all.

PEYSO: an altercation?

HER: an argument. In a twin XL bed. awkward to say the least. So I went back to guy #1. and things were good. and like a week passed. Then it was homecoming and I went with the alums to liberty place to find a dress for our banquet dinner and we were heading to Victoria secrets, and I saw guy #2 coming down the escalator on his way back to jcrew from his lunch break. I looked at the ground cuz I figured there would be awkwardness between us, but he came over to me all quickly and happily to say what up. In the end the convo got awkward but the gesture wasn’t lost on me cuz up until then he hadn’t talked to me at all since we had our falling out, so I just assumed that it was deaded.

PEYSO: I see

HER: but then he was all in my face talking bout how he’s been busy and how have I been so I thought things might be cool between us after all.


HER: moving forward, I didn’t hear from guy #2 but I was talking to guy #1 pretty consistently so last week I went to see him twice. The second time was Friday and I went to his place after this party, and by the time I got there I was shitfaced.


HER: So I only remembered getting into bed and the next thing I know its like 8am and he’s fully dresses and he’s telling me that he has to go get his kid, and to lock the bottom lock on my way out

PEYSO: fair enough

HER: so I said ok and drunkenly fell back asleep. He calls at 10am and it wakes me and he asked wut I was doing and if I got home safely and I told him I was still as his place.

He was all happy and said that if I could he would like if I hung around so he could say bye to me before I left (cuz i’m not gonna see him this week or next week) so I said I would.


HER: But at noon he still wasn’t back

PEYSO: did u call and say u had to go?

HER: I called and he said he had stopped at the dunkin donuts around the corner and his kid spilled milk everywhere but he was on his way

PEYSO: lol

HER: I called my girl to pass the time and we decided that if he wasn’t back by 12:30 I would be out, but then he showed up at 12:25 on the dot. So his kid was in the living room watching Sesame Street and he was in the bed with me, since I wasn’t feeling well. His kid would miss his dad and come jump in the bed and fuss over him for a while and then go back to the TV. Meanwhile we were just talking so it was mostly ok, except that his kid would like ask him to go in the living room, cuz like kids need attention, but when he had to choose he chose me

PEYSO: I see

HER: so I think I’ve got some bad blood going with the kid and I tell him that he’s neglecting the kid and should go play with him. He goes into the living room and i’m in the bed since i’m feeling lightheaded from the night before. Eventually I force myself out of bed cuz it’s getting late and I’ve got this paper to write (the same paper i’m writing at this moment). I get my stuff together and I got to him and I want a kiss before I leave but I don’t wanna do it in front of his kid, who is watching us intently so he goes in the bedroom with me but then we kinda just end up lounging in bed like we were earlier until his kid starts fussing for attention again.

PEYSO: lol

HER: and I start to feel sick again since I get a head rush whenever I try to get out of the bed but eventually I get out of bed and make it and get my stuff and I go and ask for a kiss so we go in the bedroom but he wants more than a kiss. I try to oblige but i’m not really feeling it since i’m never really feeling it, and i’m sick. Ten seconds later in we hear the pitter patter of little feet running to the bedroom door and his kid is too small to open the door and starts crying. H goes out and tells some lie to his kid and puts him in front of the TV

PEYSO: ur never into it?

HER: I’m only into it in the early honeymoon period when I wanna show off wut I can do, and like when I feel a vested interest in the other person’s satisfaction I try to put in the effort. But otherwise I’ve become pretty selfish in my old age and I just don’t feel motivated when i’m with him. So at this time he comes back in the room and gets in the bed again and I start talkin about how I’m not feeling it and how I’m sick and we’re bout to get caught and it’s not worth all this hassle for something that I’m gonna half ass anyway. However, he counters about how generous he has been in the past and how selfish I was the night before (mind u I can only remember sleeping) since I was drunk

So I start, and he stops me like 30secs in cuz he’s worried his kid is gonna hurt himself or fall in the toilet or something. So I go out and close the toilet and the bathroom door and peep on his kid to make sure he’s ok, and he is. Right after that his kid runs back to the bedroom door and does the crying thing.

PEYSO: lol @ fall in the toilet

HER: lol, but it’s a legit concern. So the kid hops in the bed and tries to get under the covers with his dad, which causes this hugely awkward moment since he’s naked. And then, just as that moment is passing his cell rings and it’s his (the guy’s) mother. He had told me that his mother was coming around three so they could all go out shopping later so I planned to be out at three. I mean 2


HER: But when I asked him to come say bye to me that last time, he had asked me to stay til 2:30, and I asked what time it was at that moment and because he said it was only two so I said ok. But he was lying and it was actually 2:20 and he wanted my attention before I left. So now his phone is ringing cuz his mother is parking outside. Of course I’m mortified, cuz I’m not trying meet his mom, ever. So before their convo is over his mother suddenly screams and the line goes dead

PEYSO: lol this sh!t is nuts

HER: so he freaks out and hops out the bed and runs for the door, butt naked and I’m running after him with clothes telling him to get dressed, and the kid is running behind me like “DaAAadddddYYYYY!!!”

PEYSO: hahahahaha

this is hilarious

HER: it’s my life, He dresses real quick and he’s running to the front of the apt building to see what is going on with his mom. and I wanna run upstairs to the next floor of the building to bide my time until his mom is inside his apt and I can leave unseen but he gives me this puppy dog look cuz if I leave the kid will be alone while he steps out. So…of course…I say I’ll stay with the kid while he checks on his mom. I’m with the kid and I had been pretty distant from him all day, cuz its not my place to all up on some guy’s kid, and cuz I don’t like kids. But now it’s just us so he gives me this Dora the Explorer book and I start to read it with him. I suck cuz I didn’t read it. I just asked him to identify Dora on each and every page of the book. Like “Who’s that” Dora…good job kid.” So now guy#1 returns with his mama in tow and she sees me and its awk

PEYSO: lol

HER: and I’m like “hi, I’m Z” silence on her end, awk look at her son, looking back at me, “hi”


PEYSO: lol

this sh!t is hilarious

HER: So she starts to talk in that stereotypical baby voice to the kid like “hey baby! come say hi to grandma!” and the kid is quick to say NO!! And she’s like “what? no love for grandma? I missed u baby! come give me a hug”. NO!!

PEYSO: lol

HER: Then he kinda pushes himself into the corner between the wall and the couch where I’m sitting in an effort to get as far away from grandma as possible; however, he is not fazed. “Come on baby” NO!! Then there’s an awkward silence. The kid assesses the situation and apparently I’m the lesser of two evils cuz he turns to me and reaches for the Dora book in my lap and says “LETS PLAY DORA!!” Thanks kid, now grandma hates me.

PEYSO: hahahhahahaha

HER: so I wanna leave, but guy #1 takes his mom to the bathroom to help her clean the mud off of herself. Apparently she screamed b/c she kinda lost her balance out on the street, where they’re doing alot of construction. And since it had been storming for two days or so the road was full or muddy potholes. So I cant leave b/c the kid will be alone which is why I stayed in the first place

PEYSO: Send him to the bathroom

HER: So I wait til they get back and then I kinda just drag guy#1 into the bedroom so I can get the goodbye kiss vie been after for three hours

PEYSO: u really wanted that kiss

HER: and we do, but it’s not as good as it usually is cuz he’s agitated cuz the situation is so stressful. Yeah I like kissing. And I tried to send the kid to the bathroom, but he wasn’t trying go anywhere grandma was gonna be. So finally I leave, and on my way out I say goodbye to his mom. Her back is facing me cuz she’s looking at the posters hanging on the fridge and she doesn’t respond. Guy #1 gets on her about it, and she says that she didn’t hear me cuz she was into what she was reading, but he feels embarrassed cuz it seems intentional but I could really care less. I’m trying to make moves so I get back to campus.

PEYSO: lol finally

HER: And I need a date for this dinner on Thursday but I know that guy #1 doesn’t have a suit (I went through all his stuff while I was waiting for him to come home) and this event is semiformal. So I call guy #2, who of course doesn’t answer. So then I tell J this whole story and she decides that I need to delete guy #2 number cuz I’m kinda jockin him. and I need to set an end date for guy #2. I don’t think I’m really gonna set a date, but her advice has been noted and I deleted the number the end.


HER: Also that fool #2 hasn’t called me or anything since I left on sat so really the end.

PEYSO: I might have to write a blog today and if I do, I’m gonna use this story. Now go write ur paper!

HER: lol. don’t use my name. and don’t you think blogging is kinda nerdy? cuz it is

PEYSO: it isn’t anymore; some of these joints are as far from nerdy as they come

HER: you’ll have to enlighten me some other time. as far as I know the avg blog by the avg person is….I don’t even know what to call it.

PEYSO: Lame? To say the least.

HER: lol. ok. I thought u were gonna take the story and replace guy #1 with a girl and say this was ur Saturday morning

PEYSO: No No, I’m gonna jus tell the story

HER: o ok lol, do not cite ur sources

PEYSO: I shant

HER: lol @ shant


The “Deadbeat Dad” takes your questions (or non-questions)

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — inkognegro @ 12:03 pm

For those of you late to the party….the source material.

I realized that perhaps 7 days was too long to wait to address the questions at hand in the comments.  The internet being what it is, in seven days no one would care what my answers to the questions asked (or not asked). Many Thanks to Cuzzo for giving me her day to address some of the issues that arose in the post.


Jara asked an particularly necessary question:

“Why is it so easy for men to leave their own biological kids to then take care of the next woman’s kids (bio or not)?”

The easiest thing to do is to feed the children in the house.  They are there.  The needs are evident.  There is no need to navigate out of state banks and money orders and blah blah blah.  Hell, they just eat what you eat.  You don’t even have to LIKE those kids.  All you are is a border who happens to sleep in the room with their mother.  (eww…THAT sounded horrible…Let me go shower). Of all the decisions that I made, moving away to Texas isn’t it.   Moving away to Texas into a dysfunctional situation that impacted my ability to make decisions that were best for MY children is far and away the biggest mistake I made.

Cuzzo Comments further: My dad was not around but maybe in the past 2 years or so (since I’ve had my son) he’s been very supportive and more like a parent now. Granted I’m all grown up but I still like that connection of being daddy’s little girl. He never expressed remorse though, not to me anyway. He has congratulated my mother, in those or maybe more words, on a job well done.

My children are still years away from that part of life, but I can see the allure from here.  When I got married the first time, my father ruined the marriage he had just started (his SIXTH, which is a WHOLE OTHER POST) to make sure he got to MD from CA to see his namesake grow up.  He passed away suddenly and rather unexpectedly of a brain aneurysm days before he was to make a trip back east with wife #7 (!) to see the first born child of his only son.  (that’s right for those of you scoring at home. My father’s line at death read the following:  Wives: 7, Children: 1, Grand-children: 1)



Sunnydelyte21 said: My dad is a deadbeat.. he tried giving me excuses as to why he wasn’t there..but I shut him down. When I tried to open up to him at age 24..he tried to treat me as if I was 2 or 3 years old. We don’t get along because we are too much alike. Which is crazy cuz he has been around since I was 2 or 3.

One of the great unavoidable errors absentee fathers make is that children get frozen in time.  Whether absent in the physical, or in the mental and emotional…your children become suspended in whatever space they were left in. This is the magic of nostalgia.  If your father unplugged from you at 2-3, you will always be 2-3.

Harry Chapin Says it best



Athena Nike: Not knowing the whole story I am quite concerned that you were comfortable leaving your children to your all but sexually capable ex wife. That is a strong component to the marital relationship, but would you have separated if she was screwing you crazy but your kids went to school everyday looking like who shot john?

Whenever Folks delve into the demons in their life in a futile attempt to grasp onto whys and wherefores, invariably details get lost.  I made the mistake of choosing a latent thought I have been pondering and highlighting it as though it was the final straw.  It wasn’t.  It was a straw I was pondering for reasons that a blog post could never do justice. I will simply say this:

People break up.  People fall out of love.  People wake up and find out the person they committed their lives to is a figment of their imagination and that the person next to them may be a hell of a person but will likely drive them to a life of misdemeanors and felonies of varying stripes if they remain this close to each other.

I don’t associate intimately with people who lack the necessities to be good parents.  at all.  Men or Women. I just don’t.  There is no prospect for me to conceive a child with a woman who has a proclivity for being a wack mother.  I’m just not wired that way.    I got 99 problems, being a poor judge of parenting skills ain’t one.




LP: Personal responsibility is so very important and you’ve clearly taken that path. But in all of your essay, I’ve not really seen mentionned the impact/effect you think being an absentee father might have had on your children. It seemed that the importance was placed on whether or not the mother and ex-wife was able to do it. While she might be excellent at being a single parent, it doesn’t necessarily solve the problem of the missing parent from the child’s perspective.

If my own history is any indication, the jury is out on the net effect of our divorce vis-a-vis the children.  I didn’t really grasp what was happening to me until I was damn near thirty and in the midst of repeating the mistakes.  Part of that is a result of not having closure with my own father as the result of extended period (six years) where he pretty much completely abdicated the lion’s share of his responsibility.  by the time I got a sense of what he was feeling and dealt with my own feelings I was balancing those feelings with my own fatherhood and marital situation.  My sons are eleven and eight.  When we spend time together, we focus on cementing our relationship and building trust, because the time is precious.  I am in tune enough with my sons to know that they are unique individuals and their effects are different because of who they are and how I relate to them.  I am conscious to deal withthem in away that enhances our relationship.  Only time will ultimately tell the tale.  I don’t think they even know yet.


R4P had more of a comment than a question: You already know you’re trifling so I guess there’s no need for me to point it out. You took a coward’s way out and your children’s mother and your children will suffer for it. The only person you made the right/easy decision for was yourself.


Trifling.  Cowardice.  Right/easy.

In light of such a certain feeling, there is no need for me to attempt to persuade or inform. You have confined me to a box that men in such situations belong in and that is your right.

However frank and unflinching you think your assessment is, it is a teaspoon of water I can add to the buckets of frank and unflinching assessments handed down by those who lived this story…

as opposed to the 600 words you read.

And THOSE assessments are merely buckets of water on the head of a drowning man who spends the rest of his parenting experience attempting to keep his head above water in the ocean of self-doubt and self-hatred that he created when he was separated from his Family.

Your teaspoon is but the cherry on top of a very Unpleasant and very large sundae, but thank you for your contribution.  I am sure it appears more appetizing now.

And a few words on your choice of words.

Trifling: This is one my mother’s favorite words.  I know it well.  I’ve lived it a time or two.  I will probably live it again before long.  I don’t embody it.  If I did, this shit wouldn’t be so fucking hard.

Right/Easy: There is NOTHING easy about Writing this, to say nothing about LIVING this.  But those who toss about words like right and easy don’t have time to see if the object of their scorn actually feels what they claim.

Cowardice:  Cowards live a life ruled by fear.  They let fear make their choices for them.  If I was a coward I would let my bi-weekly check handle my business and go on about my own.  Or I would just keep my head down and KIM in peace.  I damn sure wouldn’t be explaining myself and my decisions to someone who has already condemned me to trifling cowardly niggadom after 600 words.

I will take any more questions on this subject at my email address, david.inkognegroATgmailDOTcom

See y’all on Thanksgiving.


Ink-Stained Tuesdays #2 Inside the mind of the Deadbeat Dad November 17, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — inkognegro @ 12:00 pm
Tags: , , , ,

I spent yesterday working on a Post about the Comparison made between Sarah Palin and Black women at large on the dawn of the Great PalinOprah.

I couldn’t finish it for a couple of reasons.

A. By the time Tuesday came, I didn’t care that much.

B. It had largely been Dead Horsed by the time I Sat down to get into it.

C. I couldn’t find a way to Fold My TX Government assignment into it and reuse the work for class (Like I am about to do right now)

I have been a parent for almost twelve years.  I have stood by  two different women through the child-bearing process.  I am actively Co-Parenting and Parenting three children in two states.  I have been a custodial parent with joint custody and a non-custodial parent.

For a brief period of time, I was an absent parent, a state of being that affected me more than I will ever be able to put into words.  What made matters worse, I was taking care of ANOTHER set of children WHILE I was absent from my own.

(Bear in mind, Absent in my eyes is the absence of consistent phone calls and regular timely visits.  I still made it up to Take them to the first day of school and saw them for a week during Christmas that year…but still…I was absent in my eyes)

I made the conscious decision to move as far from my children as i did knowing that I would be entrusting their fate almost solely in the hands of my ex-wife.  This was an easy choice for me because while my issues with her were diverse and substantive, they were with her as a wife. Not her as a woman and mother.  I never would have laid down with her, much less married her (although it should be noted that part of the eventual undoing of our situation hinged on Sexual incompatibility that revealed itself as we were practicing celibacy during our relationship.  See if I do THAT shit again…but thats another post for another time) if I wasn’t confident in her abilities to successfully raise children. I knew that despite our situation withering and dying, she was not so broken that she wasn’t capable of a successful relationship OR able to navigate the dicey Multi-tasking that single mothers endure finding love and raising children simultaneously.

My situation is different.  I accept it.  I apologize for it.  I am haunted by the accompanying demons that dwell within…

Do not think for a second that I am not affected by those decisions mentally and emotionally, even as you draw your conclusions on my decisions.  The evidence currently suggests I have made the right decision.  The Tale will be told YEARS from now and there are MANY MANY more decisions to make.




I’m Sorry, I Just Don’t Like “The Game” November 16, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — FlawedBeauty @ 1:19 am

ADMIN NOTE: I’m sure you’ve all noticed some changes around here like several more guest post than usual and a new writer.  Thanks for sticking with us through the many changes that have taken place and the ones that will take palce in the future.   Much love to you all and have a wonderful week. On a lighter note… I snuck over to One Fourth Random and borrowed this one from JG…Enjoy!

The other day I asked all my tweeps if I was the only Black person in America that does not like the show The Game. This show gets more love than Chris Brown has bowties. Without being its biggest fan I know that it was canceled on whatever channel it was on initially, but old episodes can be seen on BET. (Which means I’m REALLY never going to watch it.) I have also gathered that they are very prone to playing the same show over and over again, but that’s no fault of theirs. While many of my twitfam responded that I am in fact the only person in TEH WHOLE WURLD that does not like this show, others held me down and made me feel sane by echoing my sentiments.

Let me say that I have given this show a try. I really have. All of my girlfriends would rant and rave about this show and I was starting to feel left out. Me and my bff had already watched every season of Sex & The City over bottles of wine and blocks of cheese and I felt like she was moving on without me. So one night I went over to hang out with a bottle of wine in tow, and she was watching The Game. I was excited! I was finally going to be ushered in and addicted to this new show! Yes! Ehhhh no. Here’s an example of an episode I watched:

I just don’t think I get it. Like is this a drama? Is it a comedy? Because they are acting dramatic one minute, and it’s serious, and I think we’re on to something, but then…… OH! There it is. Lame goofy moment and now Twin A is chest bumping Idiot Athlete. I just don’t get it. The acting is piss poor, the writing is bad, and where is the other twin!?

I really started to think about it and it made me kind of sad. I know, I know it’s just a T.V. show but I think it points to something else. I grew up at the Token Negro™ and so I related to shows like Saved By The Bell and hell even Friends. I never really got into Girlfriends (although I do believe this was a good show) and I didn’t watch many Black Television shows growing up. This actually sucks to me and I wish that I had. I’m also not that big on drama. So while The Game is “funny” it’s too dramatic with this girl sleeping with this guy who has a girlfriend, but who’s mama is over here doing this or that. However ultimately I just don’t relate to the characters. I’m not into athletes and girls that love athletes so it’s all just a bit much to me.

This takes me back to Madea. I enjoyed the first few “Madea” movies but after that I just felt they were too predictable and I hung them up. But a lot of people’s defense of that character is “everyone has a Madea in their family” and it almost makes me feel left out again because I don’t. I don’t relate much at all to any of the characters except to say that my uncle is pretty loud and funny and perhaps one day when he’s old and senile he’ll be like Madea’s brother. But as it stands now….nope.

So could it be that The Game really does just suck and I’m not some poor lost girl that needs to get in touch with her roots (no Kunta). Oooooooor (Tom Joiner voice) is The Game truly the best show on Earth and I just need to suck it up, watch some marathons, and drink until I fall in love with it?

Any other shows out there that the masses seem to love but you hate? (If anyone says House you will be banned).


Sorry, No Stalgia Allowed. November 12, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — inkognegro @ 3:00 am
Tags: , , , ,

Nostalgia is a seductive liar.  ~George Wildman Ball


In Tuesday’s post, I invoked the term Dinosaur.  I realize I didn’t do proper diligence to defining that term and Intended to devote today to outlining the length and breadth of the term.

Dinosaurs Are Creatures of the past.  Creatures born to rule in a certain period of time.  A periend where men were men, women were women, and sheep were nervous.  The rules were clear,

Men: Win Bread. Retrieve Bacon

Women: Make Home. Receive Bacon, and Fry it in a pan.


Men: Keeper of Castle

Women: Kept in Castle


Men: Slayer of Dragons

Women: Baker of cookies


As the story goes, these were the good old days.  Men NEVER left the house.  EVERYONE had Ward Cleaver Huxtable  And Donna June  Huxtable at home and if your kids came out screwed up, it had to have been because you didn’t love them enough and let them run the streets like the folks in the projects did.


And Papa was a Rolling Stone was a song about How Daddy used to Carry Mick Jagger’s bags before he came home to raise a family.


I refuse to believe that Papa was a Rolling Stone became a huge hit as some kind of a Fantastic inverse fairy tale.  The song resonated for many folks.

Yes….many of you will run over timid woodland creatures to comment about how fabulous YOUR family was.

and how long your Mom and Dad were married.

and how Your Dad Walked on water and your Mom washed his feet with her hair, and liked it.

And to that I say.  You, Sir/Ma’am, are Fortunate and blessed beyond measure.

The reality is the Black family in America is an Immaculate conception.


That we have ANY family heritage, ANY tradition of ANY kind, other than that akin to a team of horses, is a miracle on a par with the virgin birth.

The Black family was BORN broken and purposely left out to die byt the AnteBellum Society that sought to build an economy on its back.  It has limped along and fought for its survival, in the face of unspeakable odds.

In order to heal the enduring birth defects that the Black family still suffers, first we must avoid the tendency to act like the problem is somehow recent.  There has been a worsening of the circumstances that fit perfectly into the narrative that goes back to Jamestown (first one of you to usher the name of Willie Lynch into this narrative gets a one way ticket to time out)

This whole part of the game where we Yearn for Yesterday is wack – ESPECIALLY for a people whose freedom is tenuous and embryonic on a good day.

Any fond moments of yesteryear come from sporadic triumphs of the will and the grace of God (how much of which depends on how hard you go in on Saturday/Sunday)

Dinosaurs existed to guide through a period in our history…a period which appears to have long since passed.


Let them roam the earth in peace in their twilight years…Please do not act like The Dinosaurs have a future.  They do not.


Consumption Junction, What’s Your Function? November 10, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — cuzzo @ 11:48 pm

I noticed something intriguing about myself today. I was driving, got lost, and of course became very FRUSTRATED. After deciding I just wasn’t going to make it to my destination, I started heading back home.  I guess in trying to justify not wasting a trip, thoughts of shopping came to mind. *But, I’m on a shopping hiatus for the rest of the month. (I’ll revisit this) I was on a main road so there were a lot businesses. I passed a nail shop and thought “ooh, I could use a manicure”…when I passed Popeyes, “I haven’t had their chicken in a long time”…while at a red light with intentions of staying straight, to my left was a small plaza, “should I turn off and check out that Old Navy?” My thoughts even turned beyond food and clothing – which I powered myself to avoid by the way 😉 – and turned toward men. I wanted to consume (or be consumed) by someone. My mind flipped through my active “friendships” and pondered on who to call for some quality time.

Thoughts of CONSUMPTION, consumed my mind.

When I initially thought about the food, I attributed it to emotional eating from being disappointed about not making it to my destination. But, it was emotional eating with consumption at the root. I don’t want to get too psychological up in here as I could go on about voids and hoarding.

As stated, back to my shopping hiatus…

I decided to go on a shopping hiatus for the rest of  November for a few reasons:

  • My shopping was getting out of control.

Now that I’m back in retail, I’m surrounded by all that good stuff every time I go to work. I think I was coming home with something just about everyday for maybe 2 weeks. And, both myself and my sons closets are already packed. We’re good on all that stuff and I’m reminded of it every time I do laundry.

  • When I’m not the customer, I’m the associate.

At my job, I witness some of the same customers come in day after day, spending, returning, then spending again. It just becomes disgusting after a while.

  • I want to experiment.

I want to see how much more I’m saving by not buying a shirt here, a boot there, or a new coat. I have EVERYTHING already. And, if I don’t have it, I’ll improvise and shop my closet – something I’ve failed to do time and time again. I would really just buy a new outfit or piece of clothing instead of trying to think about what I already may have at home.