Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Ink-Stained Tuesdays #2 Inside the mind of the Deadbeat Dad November 17, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — inkognegro @ 12:00 pm
Tags: , , , ,

I spent yesterday working on a Post about the Comparison made between Sarah Palin and Black women at large on the dawn of the Great PalinOprah.

I couldn’t finish it for a couple of reasons.

A. By the time Tuesday came, I didn’t care that much.

B. It had largely been Dead Horsed by the time I Sat down to get into it.

C. I couldn’t find a way to Fold My TX Government assignment into it and reuse the work for class (Like I am about to do right now)

I have been a parent for almost twelve years.  I have stood by  two different women through the child-bearing process.  I am actively Co-Parenting and Parenting three children in two states.  I have been a custodial parent with joint custody and a non-custodial parent.

For a brief period of time, I was an absent parent, a state of being that affected me more than I will ever be able to put into words.  What made matters worse, I was taking care of ANOTHER set of children WHILE I was absent from my own.

(Bear in mind, Absent in my eyes is the absence of consistent phone calls and regular timely visits.  I still made it up to Take them to the first day of school and saw them for a week during Christmas that year…but still…I was absent in my eyes)

I made the conscious decision to move as far from my children as i did knowing that I would be entrusting their fate almost solely in the hands of my ex-wife.  This was an easy choice for me because while my issues with her were diverse and substantive, they were with her as a wife. Not her as a woman and mother.  I never would have laid down with her, much less married her (although it should be noted that part of the eventual undoing of our situation hinged on Sexual incompatibility that revealed itself as we were practicing celibacy during our relationship.  See if I do THAT shit again…but thats another post for another time) if I wasn’t confident in her abilities to successfully raise children. I knew that despite our situation withering and dying, she was not so broken that she wasn’t capable of a successful relationship OR able to navigate the dicey Multi-tasking that single mothers endure finding love and raising children simultaneously.

My situation is different.  I accept it.  I apologize for it.  I am haunted by the accompanying demons that dwell within…

Do not think for a second that I am not affected by those decisions mentally and emotionally, even as you draw your conclusions on my decisions.  The evidence currently suggests I have made the right decision.  The Tale will be told YEARS from now and there are MANY MANY more decisions to make.

 

 

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9 Responses to “Ink-Stained Tuesdays #2 Inside the mind of the Deadbeat Dad”

  1. Cuzzo Says:

    thanks for being so candid about the events in your life regarding your children. It feels good to know that some absentee parents can be remorseful and regain a position in their children’s lives while they are still young.

    My dad was not around but maybe in the past 2 years or so (since I’ve had my son) he’s been very supportive and more like a parent now. Granted I’m all grown up but I still like that connection of being daddy’s little girl. He never expressed remorse though, not to me anyway. He has congratulated my mother, in those or maybe more words, on a job well done.

  2. Jara Says:

    Powerful post. It’s nice to hear a “deadbeat dad” be so introspective and public about being an absent father. After reading your post, I’m still left with the unanswered question: “Why is it so easy for men to leave their own biological kids to then take care of the next woman’s kids (bio or not)?” I see this so much and am very puzzled by it.

    You mentioned one reason why you justified leaving your kids in the care of your ex-wife: because you knew she was “capable” of juggling single parenthood with life but…is that really fair? Just because women CAN do something alone doesn’t mean they SHOULD be doing something alone.

    I don’t know if your ex-wife is a black woman but I do know that “the strong black woman” myth running around is often used as an excuse for men to leave “strong black women” with the job of raising kids solo. That myth does a disservice to black women and black men.

    Thanks again for sharing your story.

  3. LP Says:

    Interesting perspective. I honestly don’t really have experience with the subject so my views/opinions may be skewed and unfounded.

    Personal responsibility is so very important and you’ve clearly taken that path. But in all of your essay, I’ve not really seen mentionned the impact/effect you think being an absentee father might have had on your children. It seemed that the importance was placed on whether or not the mother and ex-wife was able to do it. While she might be excellent at being a single parent, it doesn’t necessarily solve the problem of the missing parent from the child’s perspective.

    But all in all, the most important is to analyze why decisions are made and realize what can be done to prevent them.

    Great follow up on the series. 🙂

  4. reads4pleasure Says:

    You already know you’re trifling so I guess there’s no need for me to point it out. You took a coward’s way out and your children’s mother and your children will suffer for it. The only person you made the right/easy decision for was yourself.

  5. sunnydelyte21 Says:

    I’m surprised you were open enough to admit your faults. I respect you for that.

    My dad is a deadbeat.. he tried giving me excuses as to why he wasn’t there..but I shut him down. When I tried to open up to him at age 24..he tried to treat me as if I was 2 or 3 years old. We don’t get along because we are too much alike. Which is crazy cuz he has been around since I was 2 or 3.

    You can change your situation, by reaching out and doing more. Quality time is all a kid ask for…it helps open up doors.

  6. Athena Nike Says:

    I guess I’ll get in the bashing line
    Not knowing the whole story I am quite concerned that you were comfortable leaving your children to your all but sexually capable ex wife. That is a strong component to the marital relationship, but would you have separated if she was screwing you crazy but your kids went to school everyday looking like who shot john? Would you have taken custody if you knew she wasn’t going to, though it might thwart your plans for sexual exploration?
    Very candid indeed

  7. […] The “Deadbeat Dad” takes your questions (or non-questions) November 18, 2009 Filed under: Single Sisters On… — inkognegro @ 12:03 pm For those of you late to the party….the source material. […]

  8. Jaci Says:

    Excellent post.

    I am all tardy to the after party here but I wanted to say this is a good post because it is reflective of the man who has made mistakes and knows it. To me, this is good because you can admit where you were wrong and you are not seeking to fault anyone else for your misdeeds.

    While I don’t know the entire story (and probably don’t want to) I am curious to know how this series of events have affected your children. Although they are young to enough to still have you for a majority of their formative and man-becoming years.

    Also, do you think you would be able to leave your children’s lives again? Meaning, if you realized your presence was to their detriment?

  9. […] My response to Inside the Mind of a Deadbeat Dad: […]


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