Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

What do you like? January 27, 2010

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — peyso @ 10:50 pm

 

 I’m back!! I know I haven’t written in awhile but that’s because I’ve been too lazy to write busy. But when I get a topic handed to me that makes it much easier. I was asked the question “What attracts men the most outside of looks?  Is it a personality issue?  Are you looking at our potential as well?  Furthermore, since there’s a large debate over black women being single because we refuse to lower our standards, is it possible that we are also single because we are not showing “wife” potential since we’re too strong of professional forces?”

 Wow!! This is like 8 questions in one but I will break em down one by one.

What attracts men the most outside of looks?  Is it a personality issue? 

Let me start off by saying that men are individuals and thus this answer will differ from person to person. Also remember that for us men, unlike all some women, the pursuit of sex and the pursuit of a relationship are not one and the same. Yes, most times sometimes the pursuit of relationship started as the pursuit of sex. However, I feel comfortable saying that for a large percentage of black men it is a personality issue. Meaning that after a woman’s looks, personality is the next important factor. I’ve heard many women say “O he looked good but I couldn’t talk to him because he was a total jerk”. Men operate in a similar fashion. The things that you do and say can deter our particular pursuits. If a man is pursuing sex only he will either accept all of your BS or none of it. He’ll decide you’re either not worth the trouble and bounce or he’ll decide that he isn’t going to be around for long and put up w/ it.

If he’s willing trying to get into a relationship. He’ll accept somewhere in the middle when it comes to personality. If you’re too annoying he will not talk to her.

Are you looking at our potential as well? 

Yes. Men are always on the look out for potential. Its not conscious as it seems to be with women but men are paying attention. Some men are openly looking for relationships, some men are not looking for one but will get into one and others are just looking to get the benefits of a relationship w/o the work. All three options are based on a woman having the potential of being the wifey jawn. So ultimately, potential is important if you want to be anything more than a side piece/jump off jawn.

Furthermore, since there’s a large debate over black women being single because we refuse to lower our standards, is it possible that we are also single because we are not showing “wife” potential since we’re too strong of professional forces?”

I think the first part of the question has nothing to do with the second part. I’ll address both parts. I don’t think anyone should lower their standards. However, I do think that people should: a) set realistic expectations and b) be willing to suffer the consequences of having those standards. Some (emphasis on some) have completely unrealistic expectations. You expect him to be amiable, God-loving, great degree, business owner, can cook, loves his mom and generally have no flaws but you don’t have half of that? Create a reasonable list of must haves and like to haves and stick to it. Some people have their expectations and then are angry when they meet no one who meets them. You set the expectations not everyone else.

Now on to the second part of this question: “is it possible that we are also single because we are not showing “wife” potential since we’re too strong of professional forces?”

Women are single for 3 reasons. #1) The numbers game. There has always been more women than men. In prehistoric times, men were fighting saber tooth tigers and died as the women were hunting and gathering. During the crusades, there weren’t many female soldiers. Historically, men have gone off and done stupid sh*t (i.e. fight wars, do stupid things while drunk, etc.) and that makes it so there are more women. In this day and age, add in black on black crime, drugs, gay men and white women and the numbers don’t look good. #2) Women forget that men are not really attracted to “resumes”. Because men are expected to be the providers, if maintaining this standard is important, women have to look at the resumes. Men know that regardless of a woman’s position they are going to be looked at to be the “provider and protector” of that family, so what does that woman’s job matter? #3) It is a tough pill to swallow that you cannot get into a relationship the moment you want to. You work hard to get a degree and you get it. You work hard to get a good job and you get it. You work hard to get a condo and you get it. You work hard and preparing yourself for a relationship and then you don’t get one. Some things just don’t come when you want em. Doesn’t mean they wont come at all though.

I’m a bit tired of beating this dead horse. And of being a prescriptive black man who cannot understand because I cannot relate. I just want this to disappear because quite honestly there isnt much we can do about it. But if you ask the question, I’ll do my best to answer. So what do you think about the questions listed in bold? Agree? Disagree?

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2 Responses to “What do you like?”

  1. Sunny Says:

    I think you have some great points…

    I just think it’s very hard to generalize or be the voice of the “men.” In my heart, as many times as women say, “all men are the same,” I refuse to believe it…. simply because I know I’m not like every woman. I know you were doing the task that was handed to you Pey, so you get a job well done sticker. 😉

  2. sabrina Says:

    I think the issue of black women remaining single is more complex than we realize because a lot of it is cultural I am married to a man who is from north india who shares with me aspects of his cultures that ensures healthy families and financial security getting married is something that everyone does unless the person is mentally challenged or some other reason they can’t partner with someone other than that they marry usually with someone from equal class or higher. Black culture promotes variety that being in a committed relationship and married only with one person is dull and boring the culture pushes black men to be playas and even the black males who are educated and have a career sometimes don’t want marriage either. I think this mindset stems from the after effects of slavery in that institution black men who was made to reproduce impregnate many diferent women was called a buck that was what his job description was to breed like a animal now during that time a buck was looked down upon by other blacks who wanted to learn to read and be viewed by others as normal people but that mindset of the buck has resurfaced in our culture. The situation is even more driven by the fact that men can get sex without a commitment since women don’t require that anymore so why should men commit?


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