Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Lean On Me (The Black Relationship as a Foundation) February 23, 2010

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — FlawedBeauty @ 10:42 pm

I’m sort of late with this post, but I figure it’s relevant not just on Valentine’s Day, but everyday. 

Early on Valentine’s morning @lovebscott tweeted, “I don’t wanna scream independent anymore…I wanna start depending on you.”  In my grogginess I was unsure of how I felt about that, but now that I have had little more than a week to think about it I have come up with how I fully about it.

She’s right.  The media is currently selling the nightmare that most black women are going to always be single.  I don’t believe this, but I do know we might have a better chance if we stopped wearing the I-word on our foreheads.  I say this not because I don’t know my sisters have it going on.  I see you and I’m proud but ladies, not every man needs to hear about your MBA, your new house or how much money you have in the bank.  None of those things are going to get in bed and keep you warm at night. 

That said, this post is not just designed to preach to the ladies about how they need to stop telling me how they have gotten to be so independent.  This post is also to ask the men to be the rock that we can depend on.  If you know she’s looking to you for support, don’t shirk that responsibility…That’s the worst thing you could ever do to us.  I want to see men do it like the men of olden days (just like I wanna see women do the same). 

I believe with this we can the black community back to where it used to be.

What say you?  Ladies, are you ready to depend on a man?  Gentlemen, are you ready to depended on?


13 Responses to “Lean On Me (The Black Relationship as a Foundation)”

  1. Melzie Says:

    I agree that a healthy amount of independence is needed, but there’s also nothing wrong with depending on someone who you love and vice versa. It’s one of the basic foundations of any good relationship (platonic and romantic). Finding a happy medium may not happen, but it would be worth the try in my case.

  2. FlawedBeauty Says:


    I think you’re right. Honestly it’s worth a try a little depending myself. I have a feeling that some of the depending from the woman’s perspective is hard because we are not letting go of the past…We need to do that though or we’ll never have the meaningful relationships we want to have.

  3. Here’s a conundrum that I have yet to figure out.

    Women like being independent however have this expectation that we provide for them which (in man thought), if you’re independent, we shouldn’t have to provide. Being told “I don’t need a man for anything” while requiring from us “love, companionship, intimacy, support, trust, encouragement, faithfulness, etc” leaves many of us staring at you in awe.

    I do much better when my wife expresses to me in clear and plain terms what thing’s she’s dependent on me for.

  4. Peyso Says:

    I think alot of women need to remember that men are not attracted to them because of their stats. I say this not to say that this is the main thing that women are attracted to. However, many women are looking for “good providers” and man’s stats (degrees, jobs, etc) are directly linked to his ability to provide. Because women are not looked to to be providers, men dont care as much about these things. This doesnt mean dont get these things, but it does mean that you shouldnt expect men to be as impressed as you are by them.

    I think the reason that men are getting married later is because they understand the full responsibility of being in a relationship and many men dont want that until later in life.

  5. Smiley Face Says:

    One of the hardest things for a (insert buzz word here) woman to do is admit she “needs” and will turn the need, quick fast and in a hurry into a “want.” One of the biggest fears I had to admit in pre-marital counseling was letting myself be weak (even now I cringe slightly at that word and connotation of it) and lean on him sometimes. You know how freeing it was to admit that I was scared of giving up control of every daggone thing and nitpicking? LAWD.

    He was there all the time waiting(for lack of a better word) for me to ask him to do anything, to be there, to share the responsibility….my fear was him letting me down, which is an oxymoron considering how much I trust him…smh. My own worst enemy…ain’t that about a blip? lol

  6. FlawedBeauty Says:

    Robert- I think you are so right. We do need to be clear about our wants & expectations where you are all concerned.

    I will admit that I do need a man for those things. Honestly, it’s natural & that’s how God created it.

  7. FlawedBeauty Says:


    I think you’re right. Women are looking for a man to take care of them & we don’t understand why our stats don’t matter.

    Damn… Work just beckoned …I’ll be back in a bit.

  8. I think this is interesting. Some women feel like they have to do for themselves because they had some strong woman in their lives telling them they had to do it, while others saw a woman who was living off the ephemeral kindness of some man in their lives and decided they needed to be independent. This post makes me think of the Jill Scott song “I need you”.
    @ Robert, if you haven’t heard it take a listen. (I’ll sum it up in case you don’t want to)
    I think women are rightfully proud of what they have done for them selves. Saying “I don’t need you to do for me” isn’t the same as saying “I don’t need you”. Just because I CAN do it for myself doesn’t mean that as I man you can’t show me that you can’t be a provider. I can’t speak for all women, but some women think long term (marriage and kids). A woman does want to know a man can provide for his family (and she can add what she has to the pot).

  9. Jac Says:


    I feel exactly what you are saying… The word does have a horrible connotation… truthfully both women and men need to learn to be weak in the presence of their partners. It is a prerequisite. I am really glad that you took the time to say those counseling words as well…

    Do you think it is beneficial for couples to go through pre-marital counseling before they make the big jump or is it just a bunch of mumbo jumbo?

    As usual you are slinging the truth on us here!


    I did a post on that song too (a loooong time ago) but yes, you’re right… I find myself telling men hey look I can buy my own diamonds (looks at hand) and my own designer bag and hell I can even pay all my own bills, but baby… I need you because you are a man.. and I am that small part of you that needs to be loved and protected by you… I think it’s give and take a 50/50 kinda thang.. I am starting to think women are screaming about being independent less because of feeling like they don’t need a man and more because they don’t wanna be vulnerable and open to being used… Does anyone else feel that sentiment?

  10. Smiley Face Says:

    Jac…I think it’s a definite advantage to have pre-marital counseling..too many folks are so busy planning a wedding instead of a marriage. It can get uncomfortable at times but you learn you’re not perfect and hardly blameless in any given situation. It helps to get knocked off your high horse every now and then. My word of advice is to definitely research who you’re having counseling with need to approach it like “Marriage for dummies” lol.

  11. lapreghiera Says:

    I am ready to depend on the right person.
    What is independence really but the ability to maintain a job that keeps a roof over my head and food in my stomach until I get married, because our parents no longer let us wait around in their households until marriage?

  12. enyfilms Says:

    Kinda late but…look if she wants me to be vulnerable-not a wuss then she has got to learn or accept that I do know my way around the stove, actually know how to do some of the chores that sum men balk at. Also if I say it then I am gonna do it no need to remind me again and again. She can’t allow me to lead and then stand there lookin @ her watch with the hurry up look on her face.
    Also men who went to collge care more about their sucess post degree not so much the degree and the first 3 yrs after graduating.Look @ the beer brewer who makes Sam Adams-he quit a hi paying gig to make beer, can you imagine the convo on that nite with his girl. Keeping it real I feel most women woulda told him to not do it. Right now Sam Adams is doin well and is seen as “beer” ppl don’t realize its a small company created on a very smart risk. How many women can ride by a man like that?

  13. Wow, this is a great piece…..yes, im tired of screaming independent when i am with the right person. There’s nothing wrong in depending on the right man….sometimes being independent gets tiring

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