Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Promises and Pacifiers: The Not Quite An Engagement Ring February 24, 2010

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — FlawedBeauty @ 10:32 pm
Tags: , ,

 

Is it worth your soul?

Just after Valentine’s Day as I was on my way to work I was listening to the Steve Harvey morning show.  Since it was the day after Valentine’s Day the show was taking calls and finding out what people got and if what they got was good enough for them to put out.  As they show was getting really good, a woman called in and said her man bought her a ring.

*crickets*

Now you would think if a woman got an engagement ring for Valentine’s Day she’d still be in bed with the lucky gentlemen at 7:20 the following morning, but as this lady went on to explain this was not just a regular ring.  Apparently, this man gave her a ring that wasn’t a promise ring and wasn’t an engagement ring.  Now, I am sitting in the car completely enthralled by this conversation… I was kinda wondering why she was taking this foolishness. 

I’m sure someone out there is wondering what I could be mean that and here’s what I’m trying to say:  I been with you enough time for you to spend nice money buying me a ring but it can’t be an engagement ring?  So essentially what he just did was give her a pacifier.  She’s a hungry baby and he doesn’t have time to fully fix her a bottle so he just figures that this will tide her over until he can put some water in a bottle (the diamond necklace for her birthday) and now she’ll likely never get that Tiffany solitaire.

This all goes back to the whole thing of you stand for what you tolerate.  To me, this woman is tolerating pure foolishness and is allowing this man to complete disrespect her and her feelings.  How can you sit there on national radio and admit that you don’t so much find anything wrong with this man buying you a damn cocktail ring under the guise he’s just not ready yet?

Now that I’m done blowing off steam I wanna know what everyone thinks about this…Is this a new trend among men?  Are women going to just start receiving rings left, right and center just to pacify us and make us stay around while you continue to just do whatever you wanna do?  Ladies, is this something we’re going to just sit down and accept?  I mean diamonds are nice and all… but isn’t self-respect and HIS respect more important?

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18 Responses to “Promises and Pacifiers: The Not Quite An Engagement Ring”

  1. Sunny Says:

    Did she mention how long they were together?

    To me, a ring is like everyother type of jewelry, i.e. watches, earrings, necklaces. SO, that being said, just because he bought her a ring, it doesn’t have to be an engagment ring- it’s just a nice piece.

    I need more info in order to make an assessment on their situation but reading the blog right now, I don’t see the big deal.

  2. FlawedBeauty Says:

    Hey girl!

    I think the big deal behind it all was the fact that they’ve been together awhile & she’s stated that she is ready to get married & indeed wants that commitment so to her (and lots of others apparently) this ring was really just a way to make her quiet down while he really doesn’t have to commit.

    To me, that’s testing her & her patience but then as I said you stand for what you tolerate. So do you stand for trying to commit & he buys a frivolous peace of jewelry to placate you? To me that’s just not cool.

  3. Peyso Says:

    I cant knock the dude at all. He aint ready. I am strong believer in the idea that people shouldnt get married until they are ready. Furthermore, he knew what she would like, that’s love right there.

    However, I am from the school of thought where you dont buy a ring for a woman unless its an engagement ring. If you’ve exhausted all of the options (earings, bracelets, necklaces, broaches, etc) buy her another one!!!

  4. Sunny Says:

    Hey doll.

    ” she’s stated that she is ready to get married & indeed wants that commitment so to her (and lots of others apparently) this ring was really just a way to make her quiet down while he really doesn’t have to commit”

    The key word is SHE is ready for commitment. Is he? She’s got two choices, like Brian McKnight said, “stay or go.” Homegirl chose to stay so she better be happy with that ring that he got. it was a piece of jewlery- a great Valentine’s dinner.

    I have to go with Peyso on this one, people shouldn’t be getting married until they are ready. It’s a big commitment.

  5. Sunny Says:

    On the ring thing, me and Pey disagree tho. To prove my point, I checked out the Kay Jewelry website and looked up rings:

    http://www.kay.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/CategoryProductsView?storeId=10101&catalogId=10001&langId=-1&categoryId=15283&topCatId=15054&bcCatIds=15054.15080.15283&N=0&Ne=1&Ntk=Category&Ntt=15283

    There are a TON of rings, not just engagement rings. Perhaps he stumbled acrosss a great ring and wondered who else to give it to but her.

  6. Peyso Says:

    O i didnt say that they didnt make rings other then engagement and wedding bands or that a woman shouldnt own any, I just feel that there are 2 gifts that GENERALLY dont go over well w/ woman (and their friends b/c you know they’re gonna make their opinion heard). Those gifts are rings that are not for an engagement and/or wedding and workout equipment.

  7. Sunny Says:

    ” I just feel that there are 2 gifts that GENERALLY dont go over well w/ woman (and their friends b/c you know they’re gonna make their opinion heard). Those gifts are rings that are not for an engagement and/or wedding and workout equipment.”

    @Peyso: I don’t know… I haven’t ever really thought about it (because it hasn’t been done) but I dont’ think I’d mind a regular ring from a beau, depending on whether we’ve talked about the whole marriage thing.

  8. FlawedBeauty Says:

    @Sunny

    I understand what you’re saying to but I also feel Peyso. To me that’s false advertising & then on Valentine’s Day no less. I can’t handle that. To me that’s cruel.

    Now if commitment is the issue then he should have said I’m giving you this because you deserve it but I’m not ready to fully commit & not said well you know this is almost an engagement ring but not quite.

  9. Sunny Says:

    “Now if commitment is the issue then he should have said I’m giving you this because you deserve it but I’m not ready to fully commit & not said well you know this is almost an engagement ring but not quite.”

    @FB: I just think it’s dumb for a woman to get her hopes up anyway… my cousin did the same thing- got her hopes up to be prosed to on Vday (last year), then on her birthday and didn’t get it. I told her, just like I’m saying here, it’s your own fault for hyping yourself up.

    The two of you talking about it, and BOTH being ready to take that step is one thing. And even still, I don’t think you need to be putting so much pressure on a specific day- it’ll happen when he proposes. (but if he’s trying to push that thang out for years, THEN we will have problems), but I digress.

    For a woman to ASSUME because she is ready that he is ready – or- hype herself up, is another thing, and it’s completely silly.

  10. FlawedBeauty Says:

    @Sunny

    You’re right. Women need to stop hyping themselves up for failure. It’s crazy. They’d do much better to just hold on & let the man get right.

  11. Sunny Says:

    “You’re right. Women need to stop hyping themselves up for failure. It’s crazy. They’d do much better to just hold on & let the man get right.”

    @FB: Exactly.. or leave his butt. Let’s face it, the majority of us aren’t trying to hold off (if we approaching 30. lol) for 5 years for a man to get right and get set for a marriage. If that ninja ain’t proposed by then, he’s probably not gonna.. so we have to stop being so scared to move on.. It’s just not meant to be sometimes.

  12. FlawedBeauty Says:

    @Sunny

    Right! We must hold out!

  13. lapreghiera Says:

    @ Sunny
    Yes, life would be a WHOLE lot simpler if people could just state their intents off top!! I don’t have to shout from the top of my lungs I want to get married when I meet someone, but women should be able to tell after a short while what the man is in it for.
    I would not take a ring from a man unless it was an engagement ring, and really if you are going to start buying substantial jewelry for a woman, you should go ahead and use that money as down payment on the emerald cut solitaire.
    Too many women allow themselves to be pacified, but after a while you realize there nothing coming out and you’re still hungry. Some wisely move on so they can meet someone who will fulfill their needs, others just die and end up bitter.

  14. Sunny Says:

    Yes, it would be a whole lot simpler if they’d state it.. but unfortunately most do not or lie about it.. But I think if we listen to our own instincts, we can come up with our own conclusions. When I think back in my dating history, I knew then who was really into me and who wasn’t or was just using me, but it was my own weakness that allowed me to stay. I think every one of us is built that way- we know!

    “Too many women allow themselves to be pacified, but after a while you realize there nothing coming out and you’re still hungry. Some wisely move on so they can meet someone who will fulfill their needs, others just die and end up bitter.”

    Exactly!

  15. jewel Says:

    I love the site. I just wanted to agree with what everyone is saying. I feel like a lot of guys are angry that some women are saying what they want. I am just about to turn 29, no kids, never married and I plan on letting everyone know, I am looking for a serious committed relationship because I want to be married. I had my time of fun(running around with dreams in my head but not presenting any standards). Guys have to know that most women are looking for stability. I think it is easy to figure out if the girl you are excited about is a gold digger. At what point do you stop going after the type of person that you don’t want?(or that you say you don’t want).
    I feel like I have a lot of good qualities to offer a man. It seems like a lot of guys are not willing to turn down the free good good that is being thrown in their faces, then they wonder why they aren’t happy or they want to call girls crazy, maybe you were trying to kick it with a crazy girl. I just wish more people could step up and be honest instead of commending me for my honesty.
    I have to keep telling all of my friends to not give up hope and that God will bless them. At the same time I believe you have to be doing the right things to attract good people into your life as well. So here is to the good men and women who are trying to do the right thing and live with respect for self. It is powerful.
    Sorry for the rant 🙂

  16. kamakula Says:

    Just because they’ve been together for a while and she wants to get married and he’s not ready, doesn’t mean that a ring is just a ring.

    First, any guy who has been in that situation knows that there is no pacifying a woman. Therefore, if he bought her a ring and said it was just a gift, it really is just a gift.

    Otherwise, it would mean that once a relationship has entered the mismatched stage, men should hold off from buying any future presents so as to not give the impression that said present is really a stand in for the issue between them. And that is just dumb to me. Just because we currently don’t agree on something shouldn’t limit my ability to show my affection for you, even if it doesn’t go as far as you’d like.

  17. kamakula Says:

    that should have said “doesn’t mean that a ring isn’t just a ring”.

  18. Sandra Says:

    Recently I have been given a ring ~ a commitment ring not engagement ring. Reason: Engagement leads to marriage and he is not ready nor may ever be at 50 years old. We have both been married before dating for almost 2 years ~ 80 miles apart ~ seeing each other only on weekends. We met through one of those popular dating sites that base their love findings on compability. Needless to say women in my office question “when is the date” I simply say there is not date. We are going to purchase a house together in his neck of the woods and live together. My friends think this is CRAZY especially since I own a house ~ and he lives in an apartment. He makes far more than I will ever make therefore; it’s me moving to him because of his job and his fear to drive more than 15 minutes for work. He has two daughters who are teens and they visit during the week and on weekends. I have three sons ~ two who are teenagers and 8 year old. He is up and down with the idea of raising my children when he fears that his own children will get mad. His friends tell him he is nuts for getting involved with me because he is 50 years old and at this point in his life he should be playing the field and not think about playing house with a woman with 3 young children. The part that bothers me is that he hasn’t played the field. I am the second woman that he dated since his divorce over 7 years ago. His personality is up/down ~ he loves to present me around his family and friends. But was upset to tell people on FB (co-workers) that he is engaged. Obviously to me that he doesn’t want someone at his office to know or keep his objections open if the “right one comes along”. So I am at the point of ?? Do I hang in there ~ relocate and short sell my house ~ move my children to a place where we know no one and hope and pray that it works out eventually. Or find someone closer to me that would love to be married to me and not make me sacrifice everything in my life to be with him? I feel that he gave me a “promise pacifer” just to keep me hanging in there ~ But at 46 years old and he is 50 years old ~ he wants to know if it’s common for people to get remarried knowing there will be no children conceived. I told him to live his life and stop worrying about what a 50 year old man should do. If you love me the way you say ~ and propose with a ring ~ saying I want to spend the rest of my life with you ~ what does this mean? No marriage? Just a companion ~ somone to watch your children on weekends ~ play the role of your former wife ~ cook and clean for you. Split the bills down the middle 50/50 but if it doesn’t work out be expected to leave and not get anything in return?

    Men these days are so scared ~ view us all as gold diggers. They hate paying child support ~ afraid of commitment ~ worried about someone taking their retirement. He asked me how much of a deposit am I putting down on the house and how much am I paying towards his mortgage with his name only on the title. I replied how much did you exwife pay towards your mortgage or how much did you ex-wive give you as a deposit – His answer – ZERO.

    We are not getting married ~ I’m not getting a child out of this relationship ~ why should I be expected to put a down payment on a house knowing if it doesn’t work ~ I need to move.

    Call me CRAZY ~ my friends feel that I deserve someone much nicer that is going to treat me great ~ love the great women that I am and my children too ~

    Any comments or feedback gladly appreciated


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