Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Unreal Love March 5, 2010

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — FlawedBeauty @ 11:11 am

*If you haven’t noticed already, my goal is to entitle every post I write with a word that starts with “U.” Its my own little game of scattergories, flow with me. 🙂 *Last week, I went to this town hall-like discussion on Black Love and Relationships held by our local chapter of The Urban League’s Thursday Network. This is a group up smart, talented, and motivated young professional African-Americans  some to bougie for my taste- who are making strides on impacting our communities around us. I encourage you to check out your local group. The black love panel included a pastor and his wife, a psychologist, and two professional matchmakers.The discussion went on as they usually do about black love. One of the matchmakers is a single woman who gave advice to single women to go where men hang out, smile, be approachable, yet be particular on who you spend your time with. Good advice, right? But I take issue with the encouragement to be “particular” in your choices of eligible men. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying don’t have standards for your mate or want a certain criteria met before you consider them a mate, I just suggest that we re-evaluate what makes a man a good candidate for our love and devotion. It is true what countless other bloggers and writers have stated~ (generally) every professional and driven black woman wants the same prototype of black man. He’s equally as educated, driven, and successful. You know him, he’s a power broker by day and a thug at night. (My reverse take of lady in the streets and freak in the bed, lol)This man does exist and many of you have him, but oh yeah, did I mention that the sista matchmaker was SINGLE. I find it a little hard to take love advice from someone who is single and not in a successful relationship. How can you tell me, if you are not living it? I’m not knocking her, but does anyone else think this way? If those methods of finding men work, wouldn’t you have one? #imjustsayingI’m a Christian and have always took solace in hearing true dialogues about the realities of dating, love, and marriage. Those generations before us weren’t caught up these lists of traits that their mate must possess in order to consider them suitable. Courtship was a period to learning the core foundation of the that person and seeing if this was someone with a vision they could support and see themselves in forever. It didn’t matter the job title or average salary, it was about his work ethic and ability to manage what resources he did have. The pastor on the panel made several good points. One that has stayed with me is this concept of compromising in a relationship. Compromising has a negative connotation, it usually means that one person is giving up something for another and expects something back in return. He suggested that we don’t want someone who just compromises for us, but someone who will sacrifice for us. Sacrifice in this context means that someone gives in to their partner’s desire ins pite of their own wants, because they love them and want to make him/her happy. In by making their partner happy, they are happy and satisfied.What are some of the real and unreal love advice you have heard about love, dating, and marriage? Did it help? Got any you want to share?

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3 Responses to “Unreal Love”

  1. I guess I don’t really look at compromising as a single sided sacrifice. To REALLY compromise both people have to give a little. Otherwise someone just gave in. That same idea of sacrifice can make someone bitter…especially if it just seems to be one person who is sacrificing. Women do it alot….

    In terms of the matchmaker, I def get what you’re saying, but it makes me think of the adage “those who can’t do, teach”. She might be single BECAUSE she is a match maker. It’s her job. She might not want to be expend her energy that way b/c it’s how she makes her bread and butter. Just a thought.

  2. Thanks for your comment. I didn’t think about the principle of “those who can’t do, teach.” I still have much respect for the work she does at bring other together to find love. I sure her time will come.

    As for my thoughts on compromising vs. sacrificing in a relationship, I agree with the point you made. I like how it is described in this new documentary on black love by the bloggers of http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com called “You Saved Me.” Check it out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzkmGkgZEg4&feature=player_embedded

  3. lapreghiera Says:

    I love the Millionaire Matchmaker on TV cause she is a trip. But all the local and personal advice people give unsolicited I dont really listen to. A lot of it is generalizations, and I am a unique individual with unique life circumstances and a particular mind set. I wouldn’t pay for a single match makers advice, yet I couldn’t take the condescension of some newlywed to school me on what I am doing wrong. I’m kind of at the ‘if it happens it happens’ stage, though I try to put myself in a place to “be found.” They say you can’t buy a Thoroughbred at a glue factory, so I am trying to find the fast horses 🙂
    Courtship, even in our parents baby boomer generation began and concluded while people were still young for the most part, and hadn’t developed all the quirks and issues someone who is waiting until the finish Med school, Law School or make their first millions – or after they had been serious with several men/women and had a child or 2. They grew together, not grew then tried to find someone to fit into their garden, and I think that is something lost for the subsequent generations.


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