Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

Ink-Stained Tuesdays #2 Inside the mind of the Deadbeat Dad November 17, 2009

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — inkognegro @ 12:00 pm
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I spent yesterday working on a Post about the Comparison made between Sarah Palin and Black women at large on the dawn of the Great PalinOprah.

I couldn’t finish it for a couple of reasons.

A. By the time Tuesday came, I didn’t care that much.

B. It had largely been Dead Horsed by the time I Sat down to get into it.

C. I couldn’t find a way to Fold My TX Government assignment into it and reuse the work for class (Like I am about to do right now)

I have been a parent for almost twelve years.  I have stood by  two different women through the child-bearing process.  I am actively Co-Parenting and Parenting three children in two states.  I have been a custodial parent with joint custody and a non-custodial parent.

For a brief period of time, I was an absent parent, a state of being that affected me more than I will ever be able to put into words.  What made matters worse, I was taking care of ANOTHER set of children WHILE I was absent from my own.

(Bear in mind, Absent in my eyes is the absence of consistent phone calls and regular timely visits.  I still made it up to Take them to the first day of school and saw them for a week during Christmas that year…but still…I was absent in my eyes)

I made the conscious decision to move as far from my children as i did knowing that I would be entrusting their fate almost solely in the hands of my ex-wife.  This was an easy choice for me because while my issues with her were diverse and substantive, they were with her as a wife. Not her as a woman and mother.  I never would have laid down with her, much less married her (although it should be noted that part of the eventual undoing of our situation hinged on Sexual incompatibility that revealed itself as we were practicing celibacy during our relationship.  See if I do THAT shit again…but thats another post for another time) if I wasn’t confident in her abilities to successfully raise children. I knew that despite our situation withering and dying, she was not so broken that she wasn’t capable of a successful relationship OR able to navigate the dicey Multi-tasking that single mothers endure finding love and raising children simultaneously.

My situation is different.  I accept it.  I apologize for it.  I am haunted by the accompanying demons that dwell within…

Do not think for a second that I am not affected by those decisions mentally and emotionally, even as you draw your conclusions on my decisions.  The evidence currently suggests I have made the right decision.  The Tale will be told YEARS from now and there are MANY MANY more decisions to make.




I am NOT the father June 23, 2009

So, Father’s Day has come and gone. And I received 4 “Happy Father’s Day” text messages from well-meaning friends. I don’t know when it became cool to start calling our mothers our fathers because they’ve done everything for us (those from single-parent homes) Yes, she may have done everything…and I do everything for my son, but….mother’s can never replace fathers. There is a bond and a different feeling you have towards your father, that you cannot have with your mother. I did not have my father in my life for the majority of it. We spoke a little. I knew who he was. To many of my siblings (who I feel are bitter that he wasn’t there) he’s Fred….to me he’s dad. There’s just something there that’s unexplainable and reach’s beyond his lack of parenting as I was growing up. Maybe I’m just more forgiving because you can’t change the past but you can work towards a better future.

I don’t think anyone if given the choice of having both parents instead of one…would choose to have their mother parent them alone. Though I am not marrying the father of my child, I can only hope that my son’s father would remain in his life in the fatherly capacity. I never experienced a step-dad so I don’t know how my son will feel towards my future husband. I feel like the blood bonds you. I have family members that I did not grow up with but care about just off the strength that we are connected through blood. Ones that I CAN’T STAND but love regardless.

My bigger and main point is mother’s…all mother’s…single, surrogate, and what not…have their day. Whether they’re “playing” all the roles or not…they have their day. Leave the father’s day to acknowledge the father’s that embody the word and not water it down to make mother’s who do it all by themselves feel comfortable about it. It’s been proven that it can be done, but no one WANTS to do it by themselves.