Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

The Great Marriage Debate May 24, 2010

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — FlawedBeauty @ 10:07 pm

As I listen to the news, read blogs and Twitter and just generally walk through the streets I am encountering more and more young women who are divorced.  It is somewhat troublesome to me that there are statistics out there which clearly state that Black women are less likely to be married, etc. First off, I want to be sure that it is understood there is nothing wrong with Black women wanting to be healthy, wealthy and wise on their on accord & I think a man should be able to share in this, but I am curious why Black women can’t have it all?

I am young, successful and black.  I have a very caring SO who is also young, successful and black.  I don’t think either one of us would have it any other way, but I also realize there’s a very sacred and strong understanding that each of us must play a certain role in order to make things work.  These roles are not defined by societal norms. but by what we as a couple have deemed the necessary parameters for each of us to dwell in so that our relationship is mutually beneficial to us in a variety of different ways.

What I am curious about then is why can’t married couples come up with the same degree of communication?  Is there no way to have a middle ground?  Is it possible that some of these issues are stemming from a lack of communication or self-worth and esteem or is it that we are all so selfish that we can’t see the forest for the trees?

Just a couple of muddled thoughts from a former blogger….

Advertisements
 

8 Responses to “The Great Marriage Debate”

  1. kamakula Says:

    I’m a bit confused here. When you say <> what communication are you referring to? Were you talking about where you mentioned <>

    I think the divorce numbers are a systematic American society issue, not a black one. Divorce numbers are up for everyone across the board. We have been destigmatization divorce for many years now and making financial survival after divorce a lot more tenable for some couples.

    Like it or not, many marriages survived because there was the extra motivation of religion, tradition, and children to keep people together during the hard times.

  2. kamakula Says:

    Hmm, apparently wordpress removes things inside double ‘<'s. So, here is a slight repost:

    I’m a bit confused here. When you say what communication are you referring to? Were you talking about where you mentioned

  3. kamakula Says:

    Or maybe it doesn’t like me quoting you. . . One more try:

    When you said “What I am curious about then is why can’t married couples come up with the same degree of communication? “, what communication are you referring to? Were you talking about where you mentioned “but by what we as a couple have deemed the necessary parameters for each of us to dwell in so that our relationship is mutually beneficial to us in a variety of different ways.”

  4. FlawedBeauty Says:

    I was speaking of communication between couples beforehand & during the marriage.

    And yes, I think you’re right… At this point being a divorcee doesn’t throw up red flags the way it used to… However I will say (and agree) that religion, children & finances are keeping people together now…

    I should’ve written this better… I think I’m gonna disect it more for tomorrow.

  5. Tara Says:

    I would definitely agree with the comments above, but I think a lot of it has to do with the way we date as well. It used to be more of a courting and engaging the couple with the family and incorporating the relationship into multiple aspects of your current and future lives.

    Now there’s more of a “fast food” mentality for dating with speed dating and eHarmony and things of that nature. Even in “traditional” dating, we don’t spend enough time getting to know the person and where they come from. Rushing into marriage is a big factor in the trend to rush out of it.

  6. kamakula Says:

    I agree Tara. I think both parties need to spend a lot of time talking about their values, what they expect from each other, the things they want to accomplish, how children fit into it, how many children, how old you want to be when you start, where you want to live, the kind of house (if you don’t want to rent), how you are saving/plan on saving money, retirement plans, culture (being from a Nigerian culture and mostly dating Americans, sometimes there are things which are quite different. . . though Italians and (now I’m finding) Jamaicans have similar cultural expectations in the relationship between parents and children/spouses of children. There is religion, what you feel about the issue of the day, the environment, politics, people being homosexual, etc. This is by no means near an exhaustive list.

    There is so much that should come up. I will admit to being engaged before, and believe me, I’d gone through as much of this as I could (or that I thought was important at the time). It ended because we grew apart in the last six months – I went from being able to spend 8+ hours a day with her to 4, where most of that 4 I was asleep, for a couple months. Then after her summer away at home, she’d changed on some of the items I mentioned in the previous paragraph.

    These things that both couples should discuss are probably what lawyers term “irreconcilable differences”. They are absolute deal-breakers, things that for the most part, you don’t really compromise, you instead either mesh your lives like two well designed and oiled gears coming together, or you go apart with a jarring grinding sound like someone who’s still learning to drive a stick.

  7. Is-za Jelass Says:

    @flawedbeauty..Good job for bringing this issue up.

    @Kamakula, I do agree with your observation that many
    marriages survive because of adhereing to a higher motivation such as religion or children.

    @tara..as for the fast food reference I think we can add that people “want to have it their way” too. ..I don’t think its the AMOUNT or QUANTITY of time that people aren’t spending before the marriage, rather it is the quality of time. If you are busy be googily eyed and focus too much on physical and emotional connection it could come back to bite you later as many folks discover once they are married. For example, through all the marriage studies over time we have yet to find any evidence that age or length of engagement period/dating period correlates to a more successful marriage.

    People don’t date like they used to, where the main purpose was to get married, therefore the stakes were higher…hell there are folks who date for years and still cant and havent had a decent conversation about commitment and “deal-breakers”…remember all those magazine articles we have out there on how to get guys to commit? If people had a made a point to state their intentions or goals before dating, it wouldn’t be an issue.

    Also, people are selfish. I think there are more important factors which plague the black community such as lower partner availability for why they are less likely to enter and stay in long term relationships but aside from that we have a very selfish society. Men and women conflict more on ego and inability to sacrifice and that always leads marriages down a dark hole.

  8. Aurie Says:

    the way things are going right now, i think i little old school values wouldn’t hurt. i agree that role definition is a key ingredient, but i still think that people don’t respect the institution of marriage enough because their faith is so weak in God and His ability to help bring you through the tough times…If He’s not first, I don’t understand why you even consider getting married.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s