Single Sisters Speak Out

The Modern Life of the Single Sister

I Choose You: What Makes Love Work February 9, 2010

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — FlawedBeauty @ 8:42 am
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I’m a firm believer in taking the advice of people who have what you want.

The best quote I’ve recently heard came from First Lady Michelle Obama. In her Christmas interview with Oprah she stated that you have to find someone you actually like. She gave the example of arguments with the President… She said, “I still like like him when we fight”. I had an “Aha!” moment because I always thought you had to love the person & like is irrelevant.

Mr. Obama stated that he liked his wife at all times & the fact that she had her own opinions and even as President he knows how to defer to her.

I took something from that. I’ve always said that I wanted someone I could fight with & still love the person. But I realized that I often don’t like them and that’s not good.
That’s my “Aha!” relationship advice that I’ve taken note of…what’s yours and who said it? I bet ol’ Ink’s got something for me…
I’m listening :-)

 

Ink Stained Mondays- Love Conquers All February 8, 2010

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — inkognegro @ 11:09 am
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And now…some Poetry.  Sorta.

Part of the nature of being human is that  that attracts those who have been pushed down and had their lunch money taken by love is that you realize how much of a bully love is.

Love knows you need it.

Love knows that despite your superhuman feats in your career, you are predisposed to love another person, whether family or stranger.

At the very moment you believe yourself incapable of taking another step down the road that leads to love, you see something that inspires you.

You hear THAT song

You smell THAT cologne

You see THAT movie

You go to THAT restaurant

The Nostalgia rolls through like the Tide

You want that feeling again…and no memory of the pain you used to feel will overcome those instantaneous moments where it all just clicked.

You say to yourself, no.

I’m tired of losing.

I’m tired of being used and abused

I don’t NEED love to be happy.

Maybe you don’t.

But you want it…you know you do.

Because THAT feeling is singular.

You can’t fake it.

You can’t simulate it in an avalanche of sex and debauchery.

You can’t bury it under your work.

That desire will never go away.

It is what it is.

You are who you are.

Stop fighting it.  It’s as natural as breathing

Just be patient and don’t try to get love to be what it isn’t or do what it can’t.

 

From Sit-ins to Put-downs – Prologue February 4, 2010

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — inkognegro @ 10:21 am
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I am a waiter.

A DAMN good one.

Good enough to go dollar for dollar with the average American and trump them on most days.

About 85% of the time, I am at peace with how I make my money.  For a man with an ample serving of God-given talent, I am often considered by others what is popularly referred to as under-employed.

My Take:  I am a master craftsman in a Skilled service profession who performs at an elite level and is compensated at the 90th percentile of those in my field.

At the end of the day, the Money is pretty good, and I genuinely love what i do.

I am going on 20 years in an apron.  From random spots no one ever heard of, to 4-star spots under award-winning/book-writing/national tv-show appearing/reality show winning culinary geniuses, to well established regional and national chains, to strip joints, to music awards after parties, to national campaign fundraisers, to more lobbyist dinners than you can shake a W-2 at.

I have broken up fights over bills and run down folk trying to skate on bills and got robbed for some of my bills.
waited on such Bills as Duke, Cosby, and Bennett

Waited on John Mayer, Kerry,  and Lewis

Never waited on Denzel or Michael, but I waited on BOTH of their wives.

Waited on Tom Hanks AND the guy he portrayed in Apollo 13

I waited on Bill Gates (mind you this was more than a few Billion Dollars ago…Think right after Windows 95) and slipped food out of the restaurant to hit off the homeless dude who lived down by the parking lot where I parked.

I once walked up to a table of 4 where the shortest person was 6′10″. (Thompson,Mourning,Ewing,Mutombo)

If I never wait tables again in LIFE…I got enough stories, theories, and experiences for 10 full movies.

But what is MOST important to me is the peculiar relationship between Black People and the restaurant industry.

(caution: there will be generalizations….bear in mind this is not ALLLLL Black people, but a significant number…perhaps a majority, perhaps not, but always a significant portion)

I have almost always worked in places that have a significant Black clientele.  Usually that clientele exists because of the cuisine that is served.

Black folk LOVE to eat, but they love to eat what THEY want, the WAY they want, HOW they want.

The Restaurant industry thrives on the APPEARANCE of “the customer is always right” but LIVES AND DIES on getting as much as they can while giving as little as they can.

Restaurants have service and hospitality as their foundation.

Short of having someone wash your ass, or getting hair or nails done there is no more intimate act than the act of serving someone food.

There is an inherent subordination that takes place when your job revolves around putting on an apron and running to and fro for strangers.

Add in the dynamic of race and privilege and you have an intriguing sociological dynamic.

Toss in on top of that a compensation structure that is 95% VOLUNTARY and hinges almost entirely cultural expectations, the whim of the person who receives the service and their perception of said service, and you REALLY have something to talk about.

As someone who loves Black people with the passion of his own Kin, I am very protective and watchful of how it is that Black People are treated and served where I work.  As the senior server on my staff and the head trainer,  I am in the prime position to affect how my coworkers handle themselves when dealing with customers.  For the Next few alternating Thursdays, I will be addressing the challenges that have affected the restaurant industry and the Black Folk who work in and patronize said establishments.

 

Womanbeing vs. Womanself: The Aftermath February 3, 2010

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — FlawedBeauty @ 10:54 am
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I wrote this post for Flawed Thoughts some months and decided this first Wednesday in Black History Month is the perfect time to bring it out over here.  I do this with the reality of being a black woman in 2010 and with the knowledge of each of the books I read in this class (where I got an A) and the characters from Hurston’s Janie to Marshall’s Selina.  Those women and their self and being live on in each and every one of us (and the men who loved them and love us) Today I salute who I am, who they were and who we will all be. Enjoy!

My senior year of college I took this magnificent class on Black women writers.  The basis of the course was to discern between womanself and womanbeing.  Before I go on any further let me stop and define both of these things:

Womanself is who you really are without putting on pretenses for others.

Womanbeing is what you have to show the world you are.

The best example of this I can give is in Zora Neale Hurston’s Their Eyes Were Watching God, during a funeral for her husband, Janie tells us that she has “starched and ironed her face” into sorrow, but in her mind she is running through fields of flowers.  Her being is grieving because that’s what people expect her to do, while herself is so glad he is gone she is running through fields of flowers.

As I grow older, I am forced to stop and think about myself versus my being.  I know that society expects me to be this hardened and strong woman.  I am able to handle all things…For my family I am the rock.  I can hold it all together, make sure everyone feels loved and make sure everyone feels good like they need to feel.  For my employer, I am early to get there then I stay late and then I bring work home with me.  And when all that is said and done, I have to be his woman.  I have to cook, clean and wash everything…and still manage to put it down in the bedroom.  Ha.  That’s my being…professionally intense, personal controlled.  This is my being.

As for myself, She is still tough as nails, but she wears her heart on her sleeve, like most people wear smiles.  My heart is weak and it aches and sometimes I wonder if it can take anymore, but then I know I have to…simply because it is my right and I deserve it.  In fact, my self…well she’s always smiling really because she’s got a story to tell and she knows where she is, where she has been and where she’s going.  In fact, what makes myself even better is I know who I have to be….

Ladies, do you know the difference between your being and your self?  Do you subscribe to the duality that exist within ourselves?  For the men, do you ever feel like the woman in your life has to struggle to maintain too many roles?  Does anyone feel themselves overwhelmed trying combine the two?

 

I Can’t Let You Go February 1, 2010

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — cuzzo @ 11:40 pm

There are some great actors who have done phenomenal works throughout their careers and yet every time I see them in a movie I can’t break them away from their most memorable character in my mind. No matter what the role is…profound and prolific…comedic or dramatic…the movie in which I saw them first or saw them best overrides. Allow me to share some of these people and their characters with you :)

Morgan Freeman as Joe Clark in “Lean on Me”

sorry my brother, I don’t care how many God-like (Bruce Almighty) or detective (Seven, Along Came a Spider) characters you play…you’re always gonna be polyester suit wearing, megaphone-toting, tough love giving, Principal Joe Clark. (also dude to the right will always be “Candyman”)

Denzel Washington as a Detective in “Training Day”

his first villainous character that shocked the heck outta me and a lot of people too I’m sure.  You can’t say “BOOM” and laugh like a maniac throughout a movie and people not take notice.

Angela Bassett as Tina Turner in “What’s Love Got To Do With It”

those guns, I mean arms, of hers in that movie alone make an impact.

Omar Gooding as himself on “Wild and Crazy Kids”

I know he hasn’t been in many films and this is probably why. I was almost convinced of his tough-guy character in Baby Boy…ALMOST. I know I can’t be the only one that watched that movie and thought, come on now…this dude was on Nickelodeon…and you want me to believe he’s a thug???

Keshia Knight-Pulliam as Rudy on “The Cosby Show”

play all the strung out prostitutes (Madea Goes to Jail) you want, you can’t shake that cute little girl who lip-synched those BAY BAYS from Ray Charles’ “Night and Day”. (if you google her, she’s got a lot of sex-ed up images out there, I’m still not convinced)

 

Ink-Stained February – MY personal context for Black History Month February 1, 2010

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — inkognegro @ 8:14 am
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Despite what my knees and back tell me, I am still a young man.  Cursory conversations with Grandmother (may she RIP) always  put to rest any ideas of reaching out to AARP for the privileges that come with membership.

But while I haven’t reached geezer status, I have accumulated a fair bit of tread on the tires and I have been around the block enough times to say I got a pretty good grasp on how the last 40some years have played out in the lives of Black folk.

And to say that it has been a historic period for Black folk is to greatly understate the bittersweet nature of the time.

Black folk have made a major come up in the past forty years.

Black folk have also woke up to find themselves on the Sole end of a foot in the ass from the the very institutions that coalesced to bring about the foundation  of an America that lives up to the true meaning of its creed.

You know, that whole “All men are created equal” stuff.

1968 Marked a watershed moment in my History, and when I say  MY History I mean the history of the American People which I have always considered myself a part of.

People have the whole notion of the Whys and wherefores of Black History all screwed up.

For the cheap nickel tour of Black History month feel free to get your Wiki on, I will deal with my own history with it.

While Black History Month has been in February as long as I have been in School, I have had the unique opportunity of having History be taught to me with ME included in it throughout my life.

No one ever tried to sell me that line about Columbus discovering America.

No one ever told me that Lincoln freed the Slaves.

No one ever told me that Martin had a dream and President Johnson made it  come true.

From the door of Pre-School in the projects of Pittsburgh; from the day I was Old enough to turn the channel and see the news; from the day my mother found out that I was clearly not the average 3 year-old when I took to phonics faster than I took to the potty, I was blessed with the real story.

The Tooth Fairy put a quarter under my pillow, but My mother showed me her invisible wings that protruded out of the back she carried our household on.

I always left cookies by the tree  for Santa Claus, but I knew my mother would be the one wiping the crumbs  from her chin in the middle of the night.

I was a child in the sense that my mother allowed me to maintain my innocence organically, but when real life intruded, she let it, but not without her watchful eye.

When i was 6 my bedtime was about 8:30, but for one week in January, 1977, I stayed up and watched Roots with my mother.

There was no ongoing commentary that I am aware of, just me, a precocious boy who had more brains than sense, and his mother, a woman of intelligence that no test could measure,  in the projects of Pittsburgh, PA, watching history unfold on a screen.

Momma Ink raised me as though God told her that life was going to be like this.  She left me in public schools that white folk would NEVER send their children to and those teachers taught me a history that apparently doesn’t get taught to most children.

She never missed a chance to send me somewhere to add on to the story.

We attended a church where the Pastor had a passion for the Word and a passion for the History of his people.

I emerged into adulthood with the full story.

I may have grown up in the shadows of the last gasp of the industrial revolution, under the cloud of a neighborhood that was strangled and then devoured by the the changing times, but I understood what was happening and why.

Maybe YOUR history was a tale told by the victors, but mine was told by the victims with the sweat of their labor, the blood of their Savior, and the Tears of joy in anticipation of the victory that time and diligence would bring, as surely as  it came in a different incarnation for them years ago.

 

The Mind is Willing, But The Flesh Is Weak January 28, 2010

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — FlawedBeauty @ 11:37 pm

It’s said that men think about sex about every 7 seconds. Sure we may seem like oversexed teenage boys stuck in a man’s body at times, but we’re so much more than that. Wait. Yep. We are. I promise. For example, there are key times when a brother just doesn’t want to have sex. If we acted upon every sexual impulse our balls would look like a deflated balloons, our pelvises would have more glitches than Windows Vista and I would venture out to say that all human innovation would stop. Daunting huh? Yeah I know. So why so much grief when we say, “no” to sex?

Ladies you’ve got to admit, nothing can turn a sweet, wholesome young lady into a Gremlin quicker than rejection. And what’s worse is sexual denial. You would think you shut down her very soul.

Why is it that a man must always be ready to go? Ladies, I’ll be honest – every once and a blue moon, your man (or sex buddy) doesn’t want to have sex. I know, I know. You’re wonderful, amazing, and gorgeous even, so trust me for once – it’s not you, it’s us. Sure we’re supposed to, and usually are, ready to go at all times, but hey, rules are meant to be broken. After a 15 hr working day, my mind may be pumping like a piston but my body is temporarily paraplegic.

Plus, why can you say no and I always have to be ready to go? You want equality, well like a closet racist White man would tell you – it goes both ways. Don’t you come over here expecting me to be good to go when you can tell me you have a headache at your discretion. This is reverse sexual harassment. I have needs too. And sometimes one of them is a full night’s sleep after a hard day’s work. So baby, could you just rub my back?

Who gave y’all the option to determine the sex? It takes two and dammit this is America! I can drink, smoke (in some states), vote & say no to sex if I want to! Don’t expect me to exercise that right too often, but dammit it’s mine. So ladies, how come we can’t say no without you catching feelings? Is it the pure rejection? Or is it because you just always thought we’d be in the mood? Let me know, but in the meantime – could you just rub my head? No, the one on my neck. Thanks.

Seattle – OK, But Only If You Get On Top – Washington

 

What do you like? January 27, 2010

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — peyso @ 10:50 pm

 

 I’m back!! I know I haven’t written in awhile but that’s because I’ve been too lazy to write busy. But when I get a topic handed to me that makes it much easier. I was asked the question “What attracts men the most outside of looks?  Is it a personality issue?  Are you looking at our potential as well?  Furthermore, since there’s a large debate over black women being single because we refuse to lower our standards, is it possible that we are also single because we are not showing “wife” potential since we’re too strong of professional forces?”

 Wow!! This is like 8 questions in one but I will break em down one by one.

What attracts men the most outside of looks?  Is it a personality issue? 

Let me start off by saying that men are individuals and thus this answer will differ from person to person. Also remember that for us men, unlike all some women, the pursuit of sex and the pursuit of a relationship are not one and the same. Yes, most times sometimes the pursuit of relationship started as the pursuit of sex. However, I feel comfortable saying that for a large percentage of black men it is a personality issue. Meaning that after a woman’s looks, personality is the next important factor. I’ve heard many women say “O he looked good but I couldn’t talk to him because he was a total jerk”. Men operate in a similar fashion. The things that you do and say can deter our particular pursuits. If a man is pursuing sex only he will either accept all of your BS or none of it. He’ll decide you’re either not worth the trouble and bounce or he’ll decide that he isn’t going to be around for long and put up w/ it.

If he’s willing trying to get into a relationship. He’ll accept somewhere in the middle when it comes to personality. If you’re too annoying he will not talk to her.

Are you looking at our potential as well? 

Yes. Men are always on the look out for potential. Its not conscious as it seems to be with women but men are paying attention. Some men are openly looking for relationships, some men are not looking for one but will get into one and others are just looking to get the benefits of a relationship w/o the work. All three options are based on a woman having the potential of being the wifey jawn. So ultimately, potential is important if you want to be anything more than a side piece/jump off jawn.

Furthermore, since there’s a large debate over black women being single because we refuse to lower our standards, is it possible that we are also single because we are not showing “wife” potential since we’re too strong of professional forces?”

I think the first part of the question has nothing to do with the second part. I’ll address both parts. I don’t think anyone should lower their standards. However, I do think that people should: a) set realistic expectations and b) be willing to suffer the consequences of having those standards. Some (emphasis on some) have completely unrealistic expectations. You expect him to be amiable, God-loving, great degree, business owner, can cook, loves his mom and generally have no flaws but you don’t have half of that? Create a reasonable list of must haves and like to haves and stick to it. Some people have their expectations and then are angry when they meet no one who meets them. You set the expectations not everyone else.

Now on to the second part of this question: “is it possible that we are also single because we are not showing “wife” potential since we’re too strong of professional forces?”

Women are single for 3 reasons. #1) The numbers game. There has always been more women than men. In prehistoric times, men were fighting saber tooth tigers and died as the women were hunting and gathering. During the crusades, there weren’t many female soldiers. Historically, men have gone off and done stupid sh*t (i.e. fight wars, do stupid things while drunk, etc.) and that makes it so there are more women. In this day and age, add in black on black crime, drugs, gay men and white women and the numbers don’t look good. #2) Women forget that men are not really attracted to “resumes”. Because men are expected to be the providers, if maintaining this standard is important, women have to look at the resumes. Men know that regardless of a woman’s position they are going to be looked at to be the “provider and protector” of that family, so what does that woman’s job matter? #3) It is a tough pill to swallow that you cannot get into a relationship the moment you want to. You work hard to get a degree and you get it. You work hard to get a good job and you get it. You work hard to get a condo and you get it. You work hard and preparing yourself for a relationship and then you don’t get one. Some things just don’t come when you want em. Doesn’t mean they wont come at all though.

I’m a bit tired of beating this dead horse. And of being a prescriptive black man who cannot understand because I cannot relate. I just want this to disappear because quite honestly there isnt much we can do about it. But if you ask the question, I’ll do my best to answer. So what do you think about the questions listed in bold? Agree? Disagree?

 

Tree Theory and Why Guys Aren’t Ready To Get Married…..Yet January 27, 2010

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — FlawedBeauty @ 8:24 am

Hey ladies and gents! In the interest of continuing letting the gentlemen school us here’s a post from my fave Detroit blogger! Check it out! I think you’ll enjoy it :-)

Uh-oh. There’s a trouble-a-brewing. By now, we’ve all seen those videos describing how women are tired of being single, how guys won’t marry them, or the thousands of other e-complaints that are tossed around. I hate to see people sad, and even more, hate to see people complaining, so I offer this explanation. We’re simply not ready. No seriously, it’s not cause we want to bang strange every other day (well, lol) or be big ass kids with goo-gobs of disposable income, or be able to act like raging dickheads without having to answer to anyone. Okay, it’s partially for those reasons. But after we find out that it ultimately leads to nowhere, there is still a better explanation. see…guys are like trees. Some trees grow really fast. Some trees you’d never think would sprout end up being awesome. Some come all prepared and perfect. Some must be groomed, nutured, nursed into towering giants. Some don’t want to have saplings…which is fine too. Some start off great, yet fizzle out, or catch Elm disease and rot. Some might never be ready. It happens. But In order to be able to adequately fend, lead, and provide for our wives, men need to be ready. For some, on the job training and wild luck is more than enough. For many others, failures will have to be experienced before tying up knots. Like trees, we must have strong branches to climb and build swings on. We must be shade, companion, and bear (ideas) fruit. Grounded, with deep roots, yet leaves that still reach to the sky. [that was kinda poetic, but I'm not patting my own back *pats my own back*] Trees must be sure how they want to grow, before intermingling their lives with marriage. WIth modern medicine, it’s possible that we could have android bodies and live forever. Who wants to be married forever to an android-human that was never sure how they wanted to grow anyway? I feel, as a husband, and a father, my job is to be responsible for the wealth, health, happiness, and general awesome of my family. (Not singlehandedly; wife must put in equal, different effort.) But I know that it ultimately lands on me to be the leader and source of strength. Might be my male pride talking; I won’t apologize for that. As much as I can understand the push for kids and family, and the tick of the clock biological, don’t confuse guys waiting for the right time as us not wanting to get married. We want you…we just want to make sure we’re ready. I’d like to end this off slick with some good advice. but nope! – why so awesomeness

 

Why Do Guys Sleep With So Many Women? January 25, 2010

Filed under: Single Sisters On... — FlawedBeauty @ 11:06 pm
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Today we’re continuing letting the Brothers speak… Enjoy a post from the doctor! Dr. J’s got all the answers (well most:))

Little Miss Sunshine is one of my favorite movies, my favorite character is the grandfather and I think he became my favorite character when he told his grandson the following; “F*ck a lotta women, kid, I have no reason to lie to you. Not just one, a lotta women.”  As much as that statement was crazy, should you ever need this advice it’s a definite sign that your parents or grandparents think you’re not that into women.  Simply put, men are born with a natural instinct to have sex with a lot of women.  It’s quite disgusting, I know, tell me something I don’t. Women wonder sometimes, why is it that men will stick their junk in anything?  I’m going to attempt to answer them today.  In exchange for immunity, I’m going to tell the women the motive.  (Note, I’m only really snitching on the men who aren’t really on top of their game.) Men are genetically designed to sleep with a lot of women.  Haven’t you heard the following before, “If God wanted us to be with one woman, why did he give us all that sperm?!”  The average man ejaculates about 200-300 million sperm a pop.  In addition, men don’t have to take any days off during the month.  Women can only fertilize at most, two eggs at a time, and spend 3-7 days a month going from rags to riches.  (I understand that someone of you are reckless drivers and don’t mind running the red light, but for the sake of the argument, please slow down.)  Lastly, men don’t get pregnant, and with 52 weeks in a year, a pregnancy can take a woman out of the game for 40 weeks.  You thought I was going to leave this argument open to discussion? Men need something to talk about with our boys.  Men only really talk about three things; money, sex and sports.  And even when talking about money or sports it comes back to a conversation about sex.  So the more sex we have the more stories we can tell.  And every sex story must be outdone, the conversation is not over until no man can tell a better sex tale than the one before him without recycling a story heard by everyone who is present.  If there is a new person in the conversation you may recycle because that person has not heard the tale before.  These games can go on for hours. Some of the hardest things in life to say no to are; crying mothers and sex.  Barring a few exceptions most men will tackle any tackle box they can find, whether it be conscious or not.  A lot of men would like to admit they would remain faithful to their partners, but they fail to realize the effects of a completely naked beautiful woman’s attempts to seduce him.  I mean, any man who has had sex before know the feeling of being inside of a woman and he tries to do it as often as possible. For the sake of argument, I’ll throw one excuse out.  Some people believe you have to see what you like, you don’t have to sleep with a LOT of women to find out what you like.  For men, the end result of sex is pretty much the same wherever you go, you came.  They are different variations and certain quirks to different types, but you can sleep with less than 12 women to find out, this is not a valid excuse. Last, but not least, and probably the best reason is because there’s no reason not to sleep with a lot of women.  It’s socially accepted that men will sleep with tons of women.  It’s also always more than enough women offering up sex.  If a man sleeps with 100 women by the time he’s 25, in reality, what is going to happen to him?  He’s going to have a kid or two, big deal, he’ll probably just not take care of them anyway.  The point is, society is set up in a way that enables men to sleep with a lot of women.  The men who don’t sleep with a lot of women, well they’re going against the grain.  (Clap for them.)  If you really want to see the sad state affairs think about how many women blame other women when their man cheats.  Think about how many mothers, aunts and grandmothers tell young women, “Well, a man has to be a man.” “These are my thoughts, I sleep through the night.” – @DrJayJack